it's good to see my sister grow. a constant reminder of how brave she is and how much fear i have towards fear. i believe if physical appearance is not one of the factors we consider in being with someone, she will beat most people hands down.

i hope my brother will grow too.

now what about me?

i just cannot forgo the idea of wanting to be a celebrity or famous or whatever.
power.

should i go for the money or power programme?

ang wei ni, karen wai, so many others.. teach me something.
i still cannot break the notion of finding successful people so pretty and beautiful in their ways.

going to take a sampan and see firefly later. cool.

make it my own today. be selfish, so selfish that it becomes selfless.

i still cant help but still have the habit of destroying myself when i'm in a semi-conscious state. who will now love me and still not judge me because of what i do but why i do.

ok. it was about to going to hurt badly and i thought it can be my true feelings and not my mechanisms when my sister just intruded my space. i cant continue. but i really envy grace and kim wei. and as i saw kim wei's blog entries, i realised how much he grew as compared to me. his are actions and while my are words. i still cant get over the camera incident and i feel guilty yet i do not want to bring myself closer to him fearing that i will end up imitating him or that we are different in life. this is a issue i got to handlle myself. i still cannot accept i cannot the best friend of everybody neither is everybody is my best friend.

i cant wait to bare myself out to anyone but who will not judge me because the truth hurts and will shock all. it changes relationships. it hurts when i do not know who to go to.

the good thing is i believe, we all do our best to be appreciative and good to everyone. god bless the japan victim. i'm going to donate some money to them now.

ps: i feel like a fucktard writing to myself. but i still pity myself that i dont think that is wrong, now that's fucked up. someone please help me.

just thought i would like to share this:

Are things said in anger a truer reflection of someone’s feelings (meaning unflitered) or are things said in happier times the real thing?
I don’t think the question here is IS ANGER TRUER. I think the question is HAS ANGER TAKEN YOUR TRUTH? And the only one that can answer that is you.

- Angry

jiayi just called. i'm not going to curse and swear because it has been happening in my life. i just need to control my reaction. i wish to meet the poly friends too but i've already made arrangements. guess this is just life. no point cursing or being angry. i'm quite sad actually. but there's always next time. now it's to appreciate my meal with them. enjoy yourselves. thanks for taking the initiative to invite me. next week perhaps? kw's bday too. now, i'm starting to think of you now. -.-

i guess it is not about trying to impress someone but to be totally true to ourselves. therefore we can accept ourselves and grow from there. this also means being very vulnerable and honest. i am admit i am not perfect, doesn't mean i'm lousy. i am still struggling to accept myself. i still pretend at times. i have been reading theangrytherapist.tumblr.com i think he's very wise and knowledgeable.

did quite a bit the past month. one of the more eventful one was really opening up to someone whom i didnt dare to. thank you for listening and just being there. thank you for trusting me. i wish you will be really joyful and fulfilled in whatever you do.

my birthday was a mixture of feelings. felt stupid for not wanting to celebrate with anybody, then again if i did, i wouldn't be able to go for the course and learn something. did i mentioned i treat chee heng to a meal? i neglected zhi hao. i'm sorry zhi hao. thank you for always helping me 'financially'.

got closer to my colleagues. i am not so afraid of my superior anymore. that doesnt mean i dont respect him. played soccer with him too. it's good. it's amazing how the different people in the office get together. i feel amused yet amazed and happy with them, but not really the working part. behaving more of my 'true' self with them now, and not so much in accordance to the working role when not necessary.

excited about having a supper with the whole family later, meal with chee heng and kevin tmr night, buffet lunch with zhi hao next week.

i need to be present and appreciate them.

something for those who read my entry to ponder about:
whose bone will you see?
for me, i guess it's my family, and two other friends. i'm still not very sure. have you got yours? it doesnt matter if you have only got 1 or 100. the question is who really matter to you? what are you going to do now before they die or you die?

reminder to self: pick up and learn from the course, not just attend it for the sake of attending to prove something and not applying what i learnt.

ps: i initiated to hug my neighbour after our conversation outside the lift just now even though i was quite reluctant at first. i made that first step. we hugged.

i did not keep up with the tragedy in japan, i'm not interested in the news. i don't feel really feel sad for them. but still, bless them.

friends who need hug anytime, you can look for me. happy birthday to all march babies.

i didn't dare to express myself just now in front of chee keng. i kinda feel stuck and then blamed it on the drinking yesterday. loser. i felt happy when he said he wanted to give me his clothing if i like them. who wouldn't be happy? levis, armani exchange, etc. i wouldn't bear to buy all these my own. i dont care if it was worn before... i wish you can see how my heart is feeling and acting inside. thank you chee keng!

i feel that sometimes he is an elder brother to me even though we didnt even hang out once before other than soccer.

okay. good night. i'm tired. soccer again tomorrow with felicia. i guess i might get something for her before she leaves because i'm not sure if i will ever see her again. same goes for caiyu(as an advance birthday present too).

ps: i saw how zi bin has recovered so well and become so fit now, his abs are super amazing. its good to play soccer with him again. it's been more than a year since we played together.

whenever i see jiayi(or poly classmates) is like going overseas, or at least seems to be. i have a tinge of jealousy. and suddenly, i just feel that no one really cares about me. i am all left to be alone. but it is not true. i need to understand why did i feel that. and xiao de is right, i'm always neutral so i am not close to any group. that is the danger. but being in a group is also dangerous, but the dynamics are much bigger and this will pull you towards a certain direction. what i do affect others, and what i not do still affect them. it isnt always just about me in this world. i still do not understand the meaning of 'i am others and others are me'. i guess no matter what i do or not do affect others, so i might as well do something that can help forward me as long there is mutual consent.

being overconcern is not good, because i am impatient and i do not like to communicate. everyone seems to want it to be their way, thinking that it is the best solution for everyone. but is that true? i dont know. perhaps, it is ego. perhaps it's real genuine concern. i am guilty of that.

i always think and hope that i will die in my mid thirties, provided that i can leave a legacy or have a certain achievement like bruce lee or marilyn monroe or athena. i kinda like the idea of death. i hope to survive the moment when i am in the realm outside this world yet you are not yet dead. i haven't really survive any major accident except that i was almost being knocked down by a car once at river valley road and down the hill at outram secondary and i wasn't that conscious as a person at that time.

i am thankful for my secondary school friends because they are so concern about me. i do not think i deserve their friendship. then again, we seem to understand each other yet we do not. we do not talk about our private life. then again, what is it so different from my poly friends then? then again, i'm not in any group so i'm outcast. even if i do join a group, i still feel like an outcast. i do not think our activities are very healthy too compared to poly ones. then again, it's just me. i hope all of you are working towards your dreams/wants because i can feel most of my poly mates are already doing that.

in fact, i think ying jia have already fulfilled one of her 'dreams', but found out for some reason that she cannot continue to hold the job or maybe put it on hold first because there's something more important to be done or maybe that isn't the way she thought it was or maybe that isnt the job she wanted anymore.

i dislike to type what i type sometimes because it doesnt mean anything anymore. it seems like no one cares. even if they do care, i dont think they can help unless they know how to bring out the best in me. i am not pretending. it is of no use i start to realise, but i just cannot let go out it. and i am sure how many people do realise it is kind of a 'waste of time' therefore they rather do something in the real life than to get caught up in this virtual world. when is mine? why do i feel the need to get attention yet i made a unconscious vow when i was 4 or 5 that i need to be independent and that i can be alone. i need to reframe.

happy birthday cliff ang. you got the same birthday as cindy crawford, kurt cobain and rihanna. i think you behave more like athena more because u seem change people's live (by making them laugh) but then you dont talk about your life. it seems you have that perfect life, no one can see through you except that you are 'happy'. are you really happy? have you found joy already? god bless.

PS: i just realised i behave so different from athena. i hope to meet her one day or walk her path but she is already dead.

had dinner with chee heng and zhi hao. it's nice to see how two friends that i care mingle around each other even though our conversations are not deep. just casual. but it's a good start. both of them are so different. i'd hope you will try the escargot, because i hope you would see something different with trying new stuff out. but i'm glad i didn't force you to do something you didn't want to, or not ready to do yet. and i hope you don't feel obliged to treat me something again just because i treat you to dinner or you feel pai seh. i'm not rich or anything but it's something that i want to do for us. because if i ever leave one day, i hope you will be happy for me and know that whatever i do is to compete with myself and break barriers. but i will not forget you. and i hope it always will be.

friends are those who disagree, but still hold hands together - quoted from weini.blogdrive.com


i need to focus. there's so many things i wanna do. need to dig into the core. i'm still all talk or complain and no action yet. call me selfish but i really need to feel/find/be myself and then contribute back to the society. for now, i am glad i still care about people who matters to me.

the singapore women everest team is so cool. they set their minds to do what they want when they are 21,22. and i am 23. ok, reframe. bye.

i am sad that michelle is flying off. not that she will not come back, but then. the feeling sucks not knowing she is in singapore even though i seldom talk to her or anything. i'm cluttered now. then again, as long as i get to see females in the bus. they can take her off my mind. not that i always think of her. it is only like a day like that that it happens. well, nothing can happen. at least, know i need someone as sweet as her, then also someone who is sporty. i am a fussy person though i am not handsome nor tall nor smart nor anything.

i have reframed and want to thank her for being in my life though i had thoughts of what if i didnt know her at all. she is like chasing for what she wants i supposed, her dream, her ideal life, etc. this fuels me. i need to love myself more. thank you michelle/giselle. i'll be happy for you as long you're happy. guess it's friendship love. and then there's also a crush on you. not that we are close or i am close to anyone. perhaps zhi hao is the closest to me right now as i assumed closeness to be doing things together. i will also leave to find my place in this world. hopefully soon. i read nat ho's blog. security and freedom are mutually exclusive.

for to anyone in this world, even if i might not know them or become a couple or friends or whatever, i will be happy for them in general when they get what they want. i believe our hearts are good.
for most people will understand me even though we do not talk.
for when i do it, i will serve as an inspiration.
for i will have to go through my own journey myself and no one else can do it for me, all i can do is lend a helping hand along the way to people:friends,family or strangers whom i do not know when it is within my ability.
for no one is responsible for my life.
for i want to suffer pain and sadness, and experience happpiness, joy and fulfilment.
for if i see her in the airport, i hope i will have the courage to hug her.
for i cannot hide my emotions anymore because it is 'hurting' me.
for i do not want to be bothered by what others think of me (even though i still do)
for i wanna hug many others too (not because i'm horny though sometimes i am but u get my drift)

good night. i need to slp now. i'm tired. i'm slowly letting go of soccer... and i do hope i can sleep.

ps: i cant feel the same raw emotions and feelings as i felt when i was at jiayi's house and on the bus. girls on the bus are good distractions but it only fills the void. temporary but not lasting.

i'm glad i'm going to make it happen. it's halfway through. but i do not want to rest on my laurels because only when you are 90% done, then you can consider it to be halfway through.... this 'context' can be found in paulo coelho's like a flowing river. i hope it will somehow impact her life even if it's like 0.1%. god, please continue to bless me. thank you. i'm not complacent, i'm just excited though it is more for myself than her and i can get her along with me in my small adventures and fulfil her wish even though it might not be completely identical to what she wishes for. there's still many opportunities to fulfil her wish. let me just make this one small step first.

tired and it's so late. i hope i will not be restless tomorrow. i won't be. there's steamboat and soccer. wow. all events clashes together all the time , when there is none, i'm so bored to death and wished i had more friends whom i can hang out with within my pathetic budget. i can't really sleep now. ahhhhhhhhh.......

was randomly surfing and stumbled onto clairecia's and cherie's blog. i did not know why i i have a crush on them and envy them because perhaps they were 'popular and famous' in school. we all have ups and downs. it's just my own assumption of mine on them because i don't really talk to them or know what to talk to, to understand their situation. anyway, i already apologised and tried to clear things up with them but clairecia didn't reply. it's like part of growing up for me for me to cause them distress especially cherie. god bless them.

am i supposed to say this? it feels i'm not sincere enough because i dont talk to them though when i see them or something. i hope they're doing well though i guess we can't really be friends because alot of effort and communication is needed to break that barrier plus there's already a self defense mechanism that will be activated subconsciously. and i might fall back into that cycle again though my values are slightly different now. is it just me or everyone actually feels that?

just like writing this blog. i can't control myself because i need to let it out. but i can control it because i knwo what i read will affect me(and i still decide to bare it out with the consequences in mind).

ah. now i wished i didnt permanently delete away the 2002 and 2003 entries so i can reminisce and look through how much distress i've caused everyone while 'growing up'. some things just stays with us, we can only consciously(control) or subconsciously(thru self defense mechanism) put it away.

ok, i'm talking to myself. and imaginary friend, please comment. thanks. :)

i am pissed. well, i am allowed to feel that. perhaps that will fuel me to be more brave. do more things, gain more experience. and there are some things i know i can do with alacrity. so it's good. i might not be as good as those 'good' people or celebrities or celebrity bloggers or whatever. i will find a way to make it. even with the wrong reason, at least get started. then realise it on the way, or when i get into bankruptcy, i will go into another twist and appreciate things. then again, wait until it happen.

growth after angsty puberty. i am a late bloomer. perhaps people will say why is it inappropriate or why am i already 23 or whatever that i behave like that. if you cant embrace me, then forget it. i have not embrace this world yet, but i am learning how to face disappointments and do better. still damn caught up in my own world, surrender my life and body and soccer. ok, leave this country. meet people with love. embrace them more, kick people out without love or anything and learn how to deal with the society and all.

be ruthless yet gentle, be fearless yet fearful. learn when is the right time. i believe. hopefully. now it's dying down. fuel me. make me angry or piss me off. come on, test my patience. train me up. i will beat you hands down. and i will forgive because its for me, not for you. cos for now, i want it to be for me first, be selfish then you will know what selfish is, be selfless, then u will know what selfless is. i'm both. but i havent experience extremes. i need one, and then bounce back. then i be selfless, then bounce back and find my balance. not yours. i might regret when i am old. but at least i have lived. no?

would you rather lead a monotone life or a life with ups and downs? let me finish...... now let me move on. i will forgive because i know how all of us are different. i hope you will share with me what you have, and i'll share with you. though most of the time, i cannot do that with the family. maybe i need to leave before i can embrace and appreciate them. i'm digressing. i hope we all will share because then we can create a better world then again, ok. fuck. i am fucking stuck. good. i am jealous at times, then again i can be understanding at times. and i hope marilyn monroe can inspire me to create melvin koo. bye. go nude, hug more.

wonder when janet hsieh willl leave singapore and what she is doing now since everywhere is closed. perhaps just practising her violin in the hotel? or maybe not. it doesn't looks it's not her style or tv persona (which i believe she's who she is on the media which makes her so real). she will find something interesting to do.

i guess i will have like 0% probability to be able to see her at the rate i'm being cope at home and just wait for time to go visiting. i supposed there's this inferior complex. i guess she can handle it very well and i wonder how it feels to be her apprentice for a year. maybe i have a different talent and ability.

happy holidays. :)

happy birthday MY.

i can see how my brother took the initiative to ring me up and tell me that my sister is sick and was so worried for her. he's getting more responsible. he loves us, just that he expresses it differently or do not show them for some reason. i would also like to thank him for that if not my mobile phone will be stolen, and i'll curse myself because there's gwen stefani pictures in it. that's why i'm still using it despite the dying symptoms have shown up.

i experienced how someone who is trying to take again my phone just because it slipped out of my pockets trying to be a good friend to me, listening to my conversation with my brother and advices me on how to deal with my sister's fever. as i alighted the bus, one guy who boarded at the same stop with me, mentioned that he saw her taking away my phone when i dropped it. thanks to him, i realised why the lady would do whatever she was doing. like, literally jumping to the seat next to me and asking me how much my blackberry cost after i hung up the call, leaving me so puzzled. how naive i was to tell her so much about myself and felt so stupid afterwards.

as i let my sister hold my hand for support in the lift, i felt that was love. my love for her, it's not like i would let anyone hold me. it's an exception when i am trying to do-what-a-guy-friend-is-supposed-to-do for a female friend, totally different feeling. when i was folding up the jeans of my sister for her to wash her legs while she was putting her hand on my back to balance herself, i wondered if i can do all these for my partner. i'm not ready yet but i know when meet that person, i'll do whatever it takes. so i got to learn from now. starting with my sister. now i know how much effort and energy it takes to take care of someone who fall sick. so i appreciate my mum for doing that all those years.

i guess today is the first time in many years, if not the first that i actually do so much. i feel inferior to my brother but i shouldn't be because we all have different growth at different time.

today was spent getting myself motivated and trying to get something done but it all crashed when i started to stare at facebook and read about genecia luo and then the obsession just went on. it's like what julia mentioned: masturbating in the head. i better start doing something if not all these bubbles will be broken. dreams wont transform into reality if you do not do something about it.

ok, better start to inform people that i will not be contactable on 25-27th feb from 9-7pm before they keep that day free for me. then again, i believe not everyone will. i'm totally fine with that as i realised we cannot wait for others. we have our own life to run for.

there's this quote from dr.seuss: Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

i do not agree on how my mum expressed herself to my sis, but i do know where she is coming from as a mother who is concerned about her daughter who has a 39.4degree fever. i am guilty of that myself like how i sound to my brother when he called me just now. i'm glad he did what he did and wasn't mad at me. i was trying to prove my point before i understand where he was coming from.

time to sleep. my eyes hurts again. i do not want to wear spectacles. someone, get me out so i'll stop staring at the screen the whole day. i'll apperciate you for that. i do hope i do not flare up and accompany my dad if he goes shopping tomorrow since i cannot play soccer or meet ben.

i guess i need to decide quick if i still want to put in time for soccer because it is preventing me from fully exploring other things. i've already started to type the last sentence without 'thinking or feeling', i dont know which but it's going to be a pretense and if i do not stop typing, the cycle will come back. so good night.

i was reading the previous entry i just typed less than 10 mins ago. and i want to say that it's not about the mother but the daughter. because she's so enthusiastic about her writing and music lesson which i supposed is piano. i want to just look at the young girl and be present to everything she do. i kept looking at the mum and daughter and i guess everyone knew i was noticing them. i wanted to express myself by smiling out heartily but i didn't because i was afraid of being judged when inside of me is beaming with joy for this little girl. this reminds me of samantha's daughter now. i passed a note to the mum , and i noticed how the two ladies in front of me were puzzled when did i give a postit note to the mum.

i thought they might think i was going to woo this mum, but i didn't let my assumption take me over. after that, i was filled with happiness. it wasn't easy, i struggled a little to decide if i should give her and paid lots of attention to the mum and she know i was observing her. i want to say she's amazing which i didn't in the note. she looked so tired and all.

anyway, after both of them alighted the bus, i thought to myself. it'll be worth it to go thru all the hassle if it can make a difference in one person's life. i'm inspired to want to help even more people. and this energy gave me the momentum to do what i did for chee heng. not the most expensive or glamourous stuff, no present. but it was with love.

i'll be kidding if i say i'm not addicted to blogging again. i've been reading random entries of my blog tonight after i changed my template using the basic design that was available from blogger. i just realised i take 5 years to get a little less stuck, or 7years if you were to consider when all the 'low' of my life starts to happen.

there's so many things that i thought i understand but didn't and i want to thank jean for staying by me these few years despite not seeing me before. i appreciate that. but a thought came to my head, was she pitying me because i'm going through the hard time because it seems she doesn't change about me anymore. then again, it's my assumption because i havent ask her. relationships can be so vulnerable and fragile. the thought of being happily married for 20 or even 30 years seem so far.

i felt i was filled with love just now when i was doing something for chee heng. i also did a spontaneous act of courage on the bus just now. i hope it didn't ruin it or make it worse because i forgot to express my appreciation but i did appreciate this mother. i think she's pretty but amazingly i do not have a crush on her until now as i'm typing this. then this crush thought is gone again, and comes back as i type about her again. a pattern of myself to take note of.

my sister seems sad. i haven't buy a cake for her yet but i'm going to do it tomorrow. then again, i wish her well and i feel that she's doing something that she wants and believe in strongly on her big day, so i'm glad for her though i'm not in it. may this gives her the courage and strength to be fulfilled.

even before i type this entry, i know it isnt causing me any major problem but i just cant get to sleep. no more pretense. as i take a step back to observe myself, i guess i'm doing this to attract attention. because i have no one to talk to now. should i restrain or let everything out? ok, i cannot observe myself properly because i'm too stuck. good bye before it becomes the unhealthy habit again. typing an entry is supposed to relief some tension but it isnt helping now. good night.

saw Y online on facebook. i hope to talk to her but she didn't reply. the need is still there but then i'm not as needy as before or get very disappointed if she didn't talk to me. i'd be happy as long she's happy. i just want to know if she is happy, though i do not know what to talk about and still think i'm not on par to talk to her. perhaps, i'm having a glimpse of what is love. friendship love. as i am typing this, my pattern is beginning to show up, how will i cope with it later? let's see how it will affect me.

ps: if you're curious who Y is, you can ask me. if i decide you're allowed to know. i'll tell you. don't be afraid that i think you're busybody even if i do not know you well.

i wonder if i am allowed to destroy it myself and seek the truth, because i still wanna invite her to my wedding, and design my house if my wife agrees. what if the truth doesn't need to contain her anymore. i'll be scared because i do not want this memory to be gone.

i want to understand her better.

read this article and perhaps you might understand what i mean.

http://theangrytherapist.tumblr.com/post/998965250/are-you-addicted-to-love

happy birthday lian jie and jiaming. :)