i dont mean to be a spoilsport but it's just not me. ok, i think it's mostly my own fault. we're late and going to get scolded later. yeah.

i wonder how a friendship that is so close 10 years ago will become like that. i feel weird telling him so many things right now on msn. i dont wanna disturb him but i can't stop saying things vaguely because he needs to sleep now and i dont think he will understand too. i'm missing you right now. the days we study, eat, play together even though we are in different class.

we still see each other and play soccer together but why it feels so different?

rape me.

good night.

it's rare that these things in my mind won't affect me in sleeping but i'm trying to make myself not to sleep by thinking and thinking even though i can't think.

so different from what i experience most nights in the past.

alot of thoughts was running through my mind while i was on my way back home on the bus.

great to have people who are concerned about me. i should appreciate it much more but i still feel like i'm forever a small boy to everyone. i got to admit i still don't know alot about how the socialising thing works, what drinks are offered in club, what is spirits, housepour, draught.

what is what? how do you know if you're concern or you are just doing what you should do? when someone go missing, you will want to know where they go at that instant. you will want to contact them. but if you do that, they might think you thought they can't take care of themselves. but if you do that, you will feel more at ease. so what is what? what should you do?

maybe i should take up dancing lessons.

should i just retreat back and try to live and achieve the lifestyle i believe in which doesn't involve socialising. or does this means i'm a coward or loser or failure or stubborn mule who doesn't want to change, afraid of failure? they say there should be a balance in everything. so for instance, should you try sex/smoke?
just like partying late at night, i believe it's not good for the long run. because i can't adapt to changes fast. a loser. but to some others, it's fun or is it the way of socialising, networking, building friendship, enjoyment.

my english is so broken, people might misunderstand what i mean or might be able to know what i am saying. this is actually for myself to read, but i guess it's wont be because it's on the net.

showing my vulnerabilities to the whole wide world is a stupid thing to do but i believe as long i'm willing to admit my weaknesses and change, i won't need to be afraid.

i'm just typing for the sake of typing cos i always do not have the feel once i get of the bus. but there is no use cos ........... it can go on and on... and no one will know what i am talking because most people, my friends or army mate do not understand what i say most of the time cos they cant find any link.

bye bye.

happy bday js.

don't know what to talk about today.

quite some time back, one of my army mate used my account to add him cos he saw giselle's photo.

watching manchester united vs bayern munich match makes me so wanna play soccer again. but i cant do that competitively.

as most of us grow up, i realised all we want are the simpler things in life. how ironic. but i'm still chasing materialism cos it is essential to survive before i can get true happiness.

looking at caiyu's photo cheers me up cos she is so adorable when she is happy. the one with her hugging the robinsons bag with her motuh wide open when kimwei told her he's giving her for no terms and condition.

i don't know what i live for. lost all the zest of life. seriously, when will i ever get 'enlighten' and live life to the fullest.

recently, i unknowingly literally feel my heartbeat pumping. felt like i was going to die anytime today while doing a pathetic 4.5km which i walk-jog. i wonder if i will really die of heart attack.

i don't know why do i feel tired everyday. how can people take things lightly while i take every single thing so seriously. ok, i hope i wont start thinking again and i can't get to sleep.

if i care for myself, sleep at the same time during the weekends, i will not have any friends anymore. but if i stay up till so late at night, my sleeping time will be screwed cos i take so a very long time to adapt. tried to sleep before 11pm for two days and knock out immediately but it still doesnt help.

i hate everything. sometimes i hope i just die. sometimes i think of wei ru and i feel like a failure. bye.

with about 3+months left in my service, i just got to know my pes status is a temperory oneonly yesterday and now i might be pes b. wow. amazing.

surfing facebook makes me feel like i'm missing out so much in life cos everyone is going for overseas trip. i dont feel so envious of them as before. maybe i've grown up a little. got to take things in my stride. then again, i wish i can learn more things from each other but it's so difficult.

i dont know how i feel and how can i help others.

instead, it's the other way round cos most people is helping me most of the time. non-applicable to camp mates though.

sometimes, i'm glad i'm 'emotionless' but it is not good cos no matter how hard i try, i can feel the same as the rest.

good night. hope tmr is a new start for everyone surrounding me.

god please bless everyone and help save me to not waste my time in camp waiting for time to pass everyday trying hard not to fall asleep and get reprimanded everyday.

i need someone to teach me how to make unit trust or bond investment cos i dont really understand even though i read it on the internet.

erm, my leg is very itchy now. i don't know if it is the effects of brushing against the sea urchins. my whole right feet is like full of mosquitoes bites, 13 of them and some rashes. but i know it's not because i wore socks the whole day. i hope i won't die of the poisoning.

thanks for the treat. i feel excited sitting in the car. as i was in the car, i was feeling calmed and happy for the both of you as i was visionalising both of you in the tgt in future before i fell asleep and drop my phone. hahaha. it's time to sleep and report sick for my itching leg tomorrow.

if anybody wants to go diving or learn diving, i won't mind joining them going for the diving. but i need time to save up first. oh evon is so sexy, xd is so street-smart, jason is so meticulous. you get to know the other side of the rest on such trip.

there's so many things i wanna do. if i have the talent to sing live like sara wee.. wow.

hope i wont die of heart attack one day cos of lack of slp. night!

need to dive more often and practice my buoyancy because i still cant stay underwater, not above water. my mum seems very surprised when i tell her that i have difficulty staying in water rather than floating up.

this trip made me realised i have a long way to go. i've got alot of things to learn. and i'm kinda confused. i need to be more indepedent. so if one day my mum reads my blog, i hope she will stop doing everything and let me suffer alot to learn.

i saw an example of two good friends though both of them seems to quarrel all the time. i feel happy when i see the both of them like that. its so nice and simple. xd was v good, at least to me cos he saved me so many times and i'm not his main responsibility. his buddy is evon. that's what friends are for. jason was very accomodating especially when i was behaving like a girl. thank you.

sorry for knocking and kicking everybody so many times. when they surface up, i dont know if they are angry or tired and i cant seem to relax.

another 101 reason not to get into a r/s now cos i cant even take care of myself. when i try to help, i'm creating more trouble and feel as if i'm an attention whore. wow.

i've got not much to share cos second half the time while the rest was touching the sea animals, i was struggling to sink down. -.-

god bless all.

it's so weird i don't feel excited at all. why?

i just read an article about angelina jolie cutting herself cos she dont feel emotionally connection to anyone. i'm feeling the same way.

i am screwed. watching cruel temptations always leave me feeling very tight in my chest i dont know why. i tear but i cant never seem to cry. sometimes i feel the tears in my eyes are forced out or i still can feel for others. i dont know if i'm fake or real.

god bless all.

wow. justin biber looks kinda cute for his age. i bet girls all over the world is swooning over him. his voice is mesmerising... like a baby. too bad we're of same gender. if not....

it seems like i've lost track of the lastest music since oens, time to keep up with the lastest music.

lazy and tired to read the book which i didnt read for two weeks. hope i can pass the test though i was told it answers can be copied (must copy from right person).

feel like sleeping now but i'm listening to 98.7fm. it feel so good to listen to radio and i'm beginning to like desiree lai though i haven't listen to her dj before.. so cool i wanna be a deejay now.

i respect all the other young stars espcially miley cyrus. so young yet so talented and mature. vocal trainer on american idol. oh miley, will you marry me?
:D

driving tmr, it's kinda depressing i'm stuck at vertical parking and i dunno how to do directional change anymore at lesson 16. sad case. :(

some called me to call them and then try to exaggerate things by making it as if it is so important or difficult but in actual fact it is not..

now i know why am i so stupid but i've lost all the common sense or the ability to think because whatever others said are "common sense" and they try to confuse me and trick me.

dear god, please discharge me from the army soooon and help to relief some pain from my grandma. i hope my parents wont be like her when they're older.

i always agree on something before i realise that i'm being taken advantage of especially duty. this is the army. army mates will say how much they cover my ass just because they talk well while i always keep my mouth shut and do the work. the way they talk to superior is as if they are their friend. i still draw a very clear line between superior, friend and army mate. maybe i shldn't do so to make my life easier.

wake my bloddy idea up and being to vain is of no use. somethings are best to be left natural. i feel too perfect in some areas now. i think my mum is disappointed with me and wonder why she have such a son who doesnt behave like a man.

all i am now is because of what i have done to myself and i wish i can turn back the time.

please dont laugh at me when you see me the next two months. i hope everything will be ok. on a sidenote, even though it looks weird but i'm glad it grew back. please dont treat me like a freak if you see me in trunks.

i hope it doesnt rain heavily this fri to monday.

god bless all.

i want to update seomthing but i gotta go for my driving leson now hopefully i can remmeber what i wanna write in the next entry. i cant wait to get out of the army and i hate it i wish i dont ever step into any military camp anymore after this. sigh.

if i'm going to have chronic ankle pain or arthritis . i'm going to curse and swear at all the doctors who have diagnose me before. i'm going to hate all of them forever especially the army. gdi.

listening to 98.7FM on the computer makes me happy. wow. i feel young like during lower secondary school days which i love. and 98.7fm djs are so cool. i miss jamie yeo and carrie chong.

fearless by taylor swift makes me super happy. yeah.

my moood is being lifted now but i can only use my sis's laptop till 10pm.

i bought something that i kinda regretted and that sum of money can be put to better use like buying a pair of nike cross training shoes on sale now. i always buy things that i kind of regret except for footwear and my green hooded sweater.

it's weird how i can lend double of this amount of money to people and dont feel as sad compared to the thing i bought when they dont bother returning it back to me. but i will never ever trust this person again.

i need to seek help. lots of it. moleskine or not? to write what i feel/think on the bus which i can't recall any single thing now.

this week is kind of a good week because those kids dont have to go school. so bus is less crowded.

bye before i get super tired (which i am already lack of slp)

so much things to say but don't know who will really care abt everything. anyway, it's mostly complains. few more months and life might change. hopefully for the better and i will be able to adapt to it cos i' ma stubborn mule. working from the stratch again. money is f-ing important, so is appearance, fitness and health.

somethings in life, you must try to let things fade and find something new to replace it and bring you to the next level. i think all business think this way, isn't it? i still need to learn to be more flexible. army mates are not colleagues, they can be friend. i'm taking a small step this sat though that is not the life i would want to lead.

the song on grace's blog is very soothing.

why no one have faith in making sports as a career?

i am not a person who diversify, i focus on one thing and this is not enough to ensure survival in this world now. it sucks. everyone is so multi-talented.


god bless all.

Some people have stretch mark on their body, some have chickpox scar,etc some are so brave to wear two piece, some wear skimpy trunks. I still find them sexy and for the guys alright... But I just can't accpet myself to be less than perfect. Or am I too horny that almost every lady 'look attractive'. No offence evon, I don't't mean you're just one of the girls but you're more than an eye-candy. I don't need to be perfect now, I just want to be normal and not ugly but some thins done can't be undone unless I have lots of money to go operation. My legs and thighs which are my only assets are ruined by me. I really hate myself. Who really like me? I'm not handsome neither am I smart or rich. Now you got to have at least 2 of the 3 to survive. It's so difficult to even feel good. Bye.

Writing it down here that evon is kinda of attractive in her wet spag/shorts and dressing today. Kinda like very casual young girl and I like the denim shorts the most cos of the stars design at the back pocket. Xd don't kill me okay.

Two of my superiors bday fall on the same day as me. So there's 6 person I know who share e same bday as me. I couldn't fall asleep yesterday and kept waking up every few hours. I thought of mich, evon, yc. I just realised my english grammar sucks becaue I don't know is it wake up every few hour or wake up every few hours. Diving is so tiring. I feel like sleeping now but I scared I can't sleep tonight. I can feel the after effect of staying in the sun and now I'm sunburn. My face is starting to get red. I feel so ugly now even though there is so many people who saw my scars and ugly tan though they didn't talk about it. I think even if I prositute myself for 25dollars, no one will even want to f me. How pathetic a useless male horny slut I can be. Sometimes I wonder how some people can have such nice figure even though they don't have to exercise much like mich and kw. I scared I might get slapped or scolded and might embarrass someone if I said it face to face to her in front of others so I'm writing it down here that u're kinda

Just came back from the market after having shredded chicken porridge. Walked around for abt 20mins. There's such a big crowd. Some of the children are helping out. It's so nice to see that. Being a housewife is not easy. Gotta wake up so early and do marketing before 6.30am. Then I thoguht how nice will it be if I go do marketing with my partner in future, cook together eat together. Just the basic. There's so many essential thing to do in life but I always wanted to achieve more than just marketing, being happy, etc. Cos this is a real wordl. Money counts. Those food sellers are just part of the society, not to be look down upon but they don't earn much. Saw dad at e market too, his grey hair triggered how much he've aged... More than my mum. I want to dabble in stock to earn money. I eed advice on what shld I study in uni. I need to know my passion, but I don't. I love myself too much that I wanna stay in my comfort zone but once my parents leave, I'm worse than anyone who is struggling to earn a living, why is angelina jolie earning so much when she is not that pretty. But she's very charming and so much she's done for the third world country. I'm dfirting out of topic I can't rememeber what I wanna say initially. I know that I hope you're doing fine right now even if u don't want to reply my email. I'm done with my constipation now. Shall try to go back to sllep. Tc all.

Hope you girls enjoy your movie later and have a good heart to heart talk. Tc ps... I've not mood to do my physio exercises today. Perhaps gd night? Anyway, local uni application is on till 21feb. Perhaps I'll update again tmr.

My laptop broke down abt 3weeks ago so I seldom use the net so frequent. There's so many things to say. But... Ok. I'll be happy for u if u passed your driving today or ytd. Evon thx for your comment. I was surprised that someone commented on my blog. Thx annoymous. Whoever u are for the article that I just read. Maybe u can email me and tell me who u are, I'll be v grateful. My heart sank when I read it just now. I always thought I've irritated her so shw don't wanna reply to my emails or messages. My heart sank I didn't know what to do but I know now that it's more of a concern for someone than 'love". I still envy her. I'm not as "worried" or keep thinking abt her. I just hated myself for being selfish and only thinking abt myself. I keep asking yong zhen if he have mild seven cos its the pack that she posted on her blog. Its in my conscious though I never think of her so much. Coincidentally, I wrote her name down during the seminar course just now. But its not love I don't know what. Ok I'm ranting again.

zw. am i the one who pissed you off by the previous post? if i am, i'm sorry.

saw two girls on the bus this morning. thye look like sisters or maybe good friend. nice skin, average looking but i really wont look at them a second time if not for their big bag and clothing.... they shared a bottle of water together, yawn together. probably working together. so sweet when they look out and take care of each other.

keep in mind try to listen to others cause i have forgotten how to do that but only complain and f people through the years.

friends is not easy.

ok, can feel that i'm having fever soon.
night before i faint or shit/fart/die in the parade tmr.

suddenly i'm so scared i will be paralysed and i know i cant be as fit as before plagued by injuries especially when i see zibin and chee keng like that i should be lucky. but i can't. i hate it that i cant perform to my potential. have been playing soccer without thinking for years since i think i am quite good caused me and my friends to be stagnant.

felt like a gigolo few moments back...

no. i dont need a gf but someone who can make me less slutty a better person.

i'm typing too much. bye.

last year:
ankle recovery
join more races
less abdominal fats
more happy (glad that i feel i'm more myself around poly friends)
stop thinking of those two vicious cycle
grow taller
no signing on (comfortable but scary thought when i think of it)
be myself in front of more people (but not irritating them)
give hugs to more people esp kw,evon and 2/6 people (friends and family)
phuket or some other place close to nature overseas
people around me to be happy
love myself
health of parents
maybe stargirl
maybe driving?


only 1 completely done. still fighting the other one unless i ord already for 1-2years. there are two half done. one cancelled last minute but it is okay if not i wouldn't have so much fun during christmas with co3.

people around me to be happy
health and life of family
love myself
build stronger bond among old friendship
healtheir and fitter
be myself in front of others
be happy and less temperamental
be less horny (still dont understand why most of the girls are pretty)
driving?
more savings
ankle recovery;check up on my right ankle (but it is already almost 2 years will it be the same again?)
take care of my back and right knee
go to somewhere close to nature overseas
learn a new sport
gf?
study uni?

hello huiyu. hahahaha. thank you. see you. good night. i am so weird and happy and this is a good start to 2010 hopefully.

i dreamt of ying jia on two consecutive days and i dreamt of president nathan too.

i . omg so much to blog. i am v happy now. i need to sleep. bye bye.