you know you're screwed when ms singapore can run 10km in 67mins.

sometimes i wonder how they can go thru life after the pagant or whatever competition and lead a normal life yet again. how can they be so down to earth i wanna know. i need to learn from them. but then again, they're so beautiful and they know that only more opportunities will come. they wont starve. not saying they're bimbos cos i know they're all graduates from uni. prolly 2X smarter than me.

its so sunny and by the time i reach the pool the sun will set and i cant tan anymore.

wtf if i can run faster than her. she's so beautiful and have so much more to offer to the world or whatever thing than me.

sometimes i wonder what will happen if u put a long scar across the face or body of beautiful people. or what if they aren't born with the looks. how their life will change. worse than mine or ?

fing off from the com to do something outdoors amd save myself b4 its too late.

i'm so pissed off with the trojan horse thingy cos i cant solve it.

i cant meet kelly,andeline and all cos it'll be 9+pm once i reach there and it makes no sense for me to see them for 15mins and all the rush i need to go through. i want to see them but i havent shwoered or eat or anything.

i havent had my dinner.

i havent hydrated myself properly today.

i'm so bored.

i'm so tired yet i cant sleep.

i feel liek going for a run but it's a exercise day tmr.

i dislike what my mum cooked for dinenr today.

i dun know if i pissed her off again or something. i jsut cant stop complaining. hopefully she's just a busy wonderwoman these few days.

i didnt sleep well yesterday.

i feel very itchy and dirty but its a waste of water if i'm gg to shwoer b4 i run.

my muscle cant heal and i'm not imporving if i do not have inadequate rest due to lack of slp and adding mroe stress to it tmr.

now i think i shld have ignore all my homework in the past and jsut go to slp because i'm not a scholar . hard work doesnt pay.

i'm so screwed. i feel like buying a new computer/laotop now and use this one as a punching bag now.

i need someone special to save me.
i need salvation.
i need to change my life.
i cant type much because right now i'm typing to atract attention and this sucks.

there was this girl in the bus who was talking to her friend and it makes perfect sense and i realised i've been so fake.

or denstined to lead a lonely path?

no i'm not emoing. definitely. i cant apprecaite pple who care cos i dun feel special, jsut someone a fridn to them.

everything is getting meaningless.

ok, i'm f ing it up again. bye.

ok, sidetrack. i was looking at my back in the mirror durign showers and it reminds me of yj spine. idk why. but i like her spine. its really sexy.

hk was fun. might post pictures when i get hem and sought the permission from my friends. sorry peishan i didnt reply ur sms cos i didnt know what to reply afraid that it will trigger u to be more sad.

k, i cant be bothered but only to attract people attention to know how different i am in real and behind the com but i dunno what the hell is it beneficial to me. more like helping others to know my weakpoint, the more f up/scary/horny/disillusional/whatever f side of me .

i shldnt even start typing becos i cant stop now.





























































































































f up.

today's miss sng's bday.
today's stefanis sun's concert.
today's exactly 10mths before most of my friends ....
today's 1yr and 10+ days before i can f off frm e org.
i cant wait for stefanie's sun bday next year.

it taught me not to dream but to live for others and get slapped back on the face.
it taught me how to feed the ego/pride of others.
it taught me to treasure time.
it makes me feel worse than usual.
i totally do not have respect for e org.

if possible, e birthplace of my sons, anywhere else but not here.

happy belated kelly and joanne.

lifes f up.

suck it in and give 2years to them. yc said. still trying. i havent talk to her in awhile.

not eanring money on a sat, neither am i 'enjoying' myself but wasting life at home cos i got to suck it in.

i cant control my anger management. i secretly think that i can pick up fighting fast and have thoughts of taking up so i can vent my anger. i miss punching the everlast in the hotel.

spore is so $%^&*(.

there's alot to learn from Padma Lakshmi. i think she's really beautiful.... and sexy.

wasted my sunday. wait and wait. fucked up weather. wasting my time. perhaps its time to consider doing things that doesnt involved anyone. no more team sports? needa think of how to earn big money. every man for himself. but still gotta get help from others. socialisation. whatever.

sometimes love ain't enough. it will never be.

i can't control the urge to type. hence, there's this entry.

i can't differentiate what is feel and think. 'm

and no, it's not emo. i still can't imagine what's going to happen next if i do change. and in some ways i'm comfortable with what i have now though i claim its not enough cos i want more. i want to try many things. i wanna hit rock bottom but afraid that i cant get up. or neither do i want to be 'traumatised' my whole life. awnt to be there for everyone, but i knwo i'm not that selfless enough to die for anyone. ok, running late. gtg before i get punished.

perhaps i have been always looking for a surrogate elder sister or mother. that's why i never find love. that aside.... i'm so glad and felt so lucky that yue chin replied my email. i just read it for the second time because i cant really fully process everything right now. i'm feeling very tired and even though i'm not i might not understand it fully too. this shows she's so much more mature than me? i am tearing and i dont know what is the exact reason.

Dillon said that by reading blackjetta.blogspot.com, it makes me feel that i have a connection with her. a false one. it hit me right on the spot and kept me thinking. it have been a rough week. i succeeded in making myself high by listening to ipod every moring on the way to work only to feel all empty again once i reach the workplace.

i hope she sleeps tonight. it's just harming her health. i wonder if i reply tomorrow will she reply back? on a happier note, tomorrow is friday.

i wanted to write about how a lady working for prudential apporach me at lot 1 and rave about her but i guess i will not do that today. i saw g and k too, but they didnt see me. oh haha. this is what love birds do to you.

god bless all.
night.

felt v sad again when i read phoon yc's entry.
talking to jiayi now, but i'm more of like stoning.
syncing my ipod...
and i dont know if i should just tell her, like it might add on more to her problem?
i so wanted to talk about myself, but i was suppressing it. now i just dont know what ot talk. the conversation is getting awkward and i think i'm being a spoilsport and i cant advise her on any job offers.
i am typing this right now assuming she doesnt read my blog. and if she does, i dont know. i just got a feeling she might read this.

ok, i lost my plot.

it's still all about me afterall.

i just hope blackjetta.blogspot.com will never close down. i wanted to copy and paste the entries in MS word so i can read through them again in future. but there's too much to do, and i dont have the heart to do so. reading the archive gives me a better understanding. she is the coolest/most beautiful/most unpretentious female blogger ever. through her blog, i know what is moleskine and begin to have interest in shoes. i idolise her in many ways and just wanna follow her. perhaps its really time for her to move on for herself, just wanna wish her all the best in whatever she do.

pictures from her blog..



isn't she pretty?

m1 bills doesnt show the talktime usage and it always irritates me. it is getting more and more expensive again... ahhh. kinda regret getting the rebate which spreads over 2yrs which i signed last july. i cant wait to change to another line. i cant remember the reason why i chose m1 but ok... i'm happy for now. i needa get out of the house soon before the feeling comes back. and i do feel more and more lost whenever i am alone on days like this. if only i could exercise right now!

orchard to buy stuff to protect my new gadget,
go borders to visit ps and read a good book?
watch a movie?
and i dont know who to ask out thought i have someone in mind... but...

just read yj's blog and for the first time in a long time, i feel happy for her rather than being envious. yeah!

she's away on msn and i wanna talk but i dont know how to start. ok, i dunno, still scared. i shall stop using the com. dont rain pls.

i was lucky and so later is a free day for me! yeah.

i think having optimism is a good way to start. ah, just starting to 'debate' with my mum about keep a blog and providing too much personal info.

ah, i've try to think of the positive side the past few days and i was happy and then good things happen though we got lectured. hope to continue to do so, hoping to change to a better person. does it work this way? being happy will bring all the good things? but i'm still scared i will grow so fat and unhealthy and i fear for the future again. i need to hurry recover and go exercise. but staying in the office is also very cool except....

oh, GT! i just read your blog and it reminded me of sat night when i smile to you and you smile back because u know what i was thinking/doing..... now i get so excited i can't slp! i supposed its a good thing better than emoing now.

to sec sch friends: if you saw the photos on the facebook, i didn't mean to hide anything. i was seriously thinking what should i get because i could only get one and was undecided. i didn't expected or knew beforehand that both wishes were fulfilled by poly mates. i think this is the power of blog? macs was good, just that i had to work the next day. i think i need h2h talk with u all another time soon. i still love you all.

i really had a wonderful bday and i dont know what to say. i need to learn to stop finding which i have been doing all these years because i have a grps of friends who love me for who i am.

i need to focus on my mental well-being for now. sorry if i seem rude on the net when i say good night and go offline immediately as i needa rid of hiding behind the com so often.

i know knwos about gadgets and i have been on the com since 9+pm figuring out how to use itunes. stupid i know. hahahaha. i'm learning. take it slow and steady.

i think i was seeking attention all along. sorry. ignore my entries because they are not my 100% true feelings . i dont even know what i am doing. i hope i wont wake up to be so tired because i know i cant wake up feeling refreshinig. i didnt have this feeling for year(s).

stupid but i dont know if this shld be the last entry.

my hands are always so itchy that i'll try to put a mark to almost every pimple on my face. and i really look horrible when i see the mirror. now i wonder how stefanie sun get all her motivation,strength and willpower from.

reading blackjetta.blogspot.com makes me have mixed feelings again though i dont understand today's entry.

i wanna thank all my poly friends and sec sch friends... i had a wonderful time with all of u. i really loved the hugs. i'm flawed and.... i just cant think properly now.

i had quite a good day at work and thought that this might be a good start. looks like i can't get through the second day. the self absorb feeling is slowly engulfing me. i didn't watch survivor even though i intended to. i dont even know who to talk to be and make sure i wouldn't screw up their life. ok, i'm not as emo as i though i am or feeling now. i'm typing nonsense again. i dont want to spoil anybodys mood tmr and i'm falling sick.

i dont even know what is the real purpose of blogging anymore. its weird. perhaps when blackjetta.blogspot.com close down, i should stop blogging too? i really wish to meet her and know her life. anyone who reads can just comment to me. i feel like an idoit now. i wish someone can just scold me now. so i can stop typing. i cannot control myself. i wish to experience the life of phoon yue chin.

the feeling is on and off. it sucks. when i'm about to come back home, i feel happy. now when i reach home, i feel devestated and think about the next day. i am tired perhaps i shouldn't use the com. perhaps i should stop watching movies/show. to be honest, these shows give me more disappointment than hope. scarlett johansson is so hot when i watched he's just not that into you. i am the same height as her. how pathetic. seth green gives me hope. but he is the only one in 1000000000 people in the world who make it big. making it big doesnt have to be in the media. ok, i'm losing the plot again... phoon yue chin is so beautiful. i'm making myself overexhaust as i'm feeling sleepy right now yet i use the com. ok, i'll try to slp now. good night..

i think in time to come, all i want is to have a partner who is like my mum.....or i wanan try being a girl. i cant live without my mum. how screwed can i be... i always tell her to take care of herself but at the end of the day she is always taking care of the family sacrifacing everything. it hurts but i always cant do anything and sink in deeper and deeper. ok i just teared.

happy birthday pei shan if i didnt sms you at night. sorry. i do not want to spoil the mood of anyones bday. hopefully, i wont.

happy birthday yvonne yeo.

i just cant stop typing.. pardon me. what will happen to rui en and elvin ng. will that happen in real life?

night.

knowing that blackjetta.blogspot.com is closing down makes me feel empty and sad now.

1. i bought my first levis jeans.

2. i thought i was handsome and popular,too complacent and proud in the past thinking that people who couldn't do well in their studies are bound to fail in anything they do in life.

3. i think i got my retribution now that i have to live with it forever. short, ugly and self-centred.

4. intend to start a new blog and leave everything behind once i reach 21.

5. hopefully i can do that and it i know it will be hard because all i did was procastinate and act like a stupid boy who is so superficial and shallow.

6. having the hottest body doesn't mean that you are healthy. fit does not equate to healthy.

7.





i had a pleasant experience in SGH. my mum said i am weird because i wishws that i could stay there longer. these pictures were taken last week and it is healing well. and no, it not as painful as it seems because that caucasian surgeon injected morphine into me. but the itch is killing me. i miss that female surgeon.

8. i doubt that once i start a new blog i will stop raving about the female species.

9. being a doctor is very noble and its not about earning big bucks. kudos and respect them.

10. i'm trying to think properly now but i keep thinking of that female surgeon. ok, time to get ready to go back for appointment. i do not know if i want to see her later because i want to enquire about embarassing question that make me seem stupid.

11. happy birthday cliff! ok, i sound gay but.. i miss you and your antics. like seriously. you're a nice boy. damn! i wanna hug you now.

its very sweet to get nice smses. and i nvr see evon for like a long time. now i feel i'm missing out something when i 'cant' go.

i cant wait for mid 2010 to come and get away from this org.

i wanna be a girl at times.

can anybody tell me or motivate me to do something productive? if only i have the brains of phoon yue chin...

i've got a feeling that 2or 3 or 4 years later i will be still the same as the person i am now. wtf.

ok, i'm so bored i wanna conk off and die.

maybe i'm thinking too much, this org might not be as bad as it seems to be. i'm pessmisitic again, ok bye.

sucks. i hate it but i enjoy talking to the com. wtf. i think i've brain damaged.

a good time to chiong all the tv serial and the books i wanna read these few days since i can't do anything.

good night world. slp early xd,kim and grace.

i wanna buy many pairs of shoes.

onitsuka tiger corsair blue/red/white
adidas vespa white/white
adidas harvard black/white
new balance 1500 white/beige
that pig lining puma shoes i saw beside ngee ann city stadium shop
nike air trainer III blue/white!
nike air yeezy!
nike lunar trainer

and many more! but i cant remmeber them for now or totally cannot afford to buy.
gotta research for formal shoes and running shoes.


oh so high. imagine i wear different shoes on every saturday. it's like for about 1/6 of the year i will be wearing differnet pair of shoes. how cool is that?! wow. time to sleep. i'm totally have a girly side. i love shoes.