perhaps i have been always looking for a surrogate elder sister or mother. that's why i never find love. that aside.... i'm so glad and felt so lucky that yue chin replied my email. i just read it for the second time because i cant really fully process everything right now. i'm feeling very tired and even though i'm not i might not understand it fully too. this shows she's so much more mature than me? i am tearing and i dont know what is the exact reason.

Dillon said that by reading blackjetta.blogspot.com, it makes me feel that i have a connection with her. a false one. it hit me right on the spot and kept me thinking. it have been a rough week. i succeeded in making myself high by listening to ipod every moring on the way to work only to feel all empty again once i reach the workplace.

i hope she sleeps tonight. it's just harming her health. i wonder if i reply tomorrow will she reply back? on a happier note, tomorrow is friday.

i wanted to write about how a lady working for prudential apporach me at lot 1 and rave about her but i guess i will not do that today. i saw g and k too, but they didnt see me. oh haha. this is what love birds do to you.

god bless all.
night.

felt v sad again when i read phoon yc's entry.
talking to jiayi now, but i'm more of like stoning.
syncing my ipod...
and i dont know if i should just tell her, like it might add on more to her problem?
i so wanted to talk about myself, but i was suppressing it. now i just dont know what ot talk. the conversation is getting awkward and i think i'm being a spoilsport and i cant advise her on any job offers.
i am typing this right now assuming she doesnt read my blog. and if she does, i dont know. i just got a feeling she might read this.

ok, i lost my plot.

it's still all about me afterall.

i just hope blackjetta.blogspot.com will never close down. i wanted to copy and paste the entries in MS word so i can read through them again in future. but there's too much to do, and i dont have the heart to do so. reading the archive gives me a better understanding. she is the coolest/most beautiful/most unpretentious female blogger ever. through her blog, i know what is moleskine and begin to have interest in shoes. i idolise her in many ways and just wanna follow her. perhaps its really time for her to move on for herself, just wanna wish her all the best in whatever she do.

pictures from her blog..



isn't she pretty?

m1 bills doesnt show the talktime usage and it always irritates me. it is getting more and more expensive again... ahhh. kinda regret getting the rebate which spreads over 2yrs which i signed last july. i cant wait to change to another line. i cant remember the reason why i chose m1 but ok... i'm happy for now. i needa get out of the house soon before the feeling comes back. and i do feel more and more lost whenever i am alone on days like this. if only i could exercise right now!

orchard to buy stuff to protect my new gadget,
go borders to visit ps and read a good book?
watch a movie?
and i dont know who to ask out thought i have someone in mind... but...

just read yj's blog and for the first time in a long time, i feel happy for her rather than being envious. yeah!

she's away on msn and i wanna talk but i dont know how to start. ok, i dunno, still scared. i shall stop using the com. dont rain pls.

i was lucky and so later is a free day for me! yeah.

i think having optimism is a good way to start. ah, just starting to 'debate' with my mum about keep a blog and providing too much personal info.

ah, i've try to think of the positive side the past few days and i was happy and then good things happen though we got lectured. hope to continue to do so, hoping to change to a better person. does it work this way? being happy will bring all the good things? but i'm still scared i will grow so fat and unhealthy and i fear for the future again. i need to hurry recover and go exercise. but staying in the office is also very cool except....

oh, GT! i just read your blog and it reminded me of sat night when i smile to you and you smile back because u know what i was thinking/doing..... now i get so excited i can't slp! i supposed its a good thing better than emoing now.

to sec sch friends: if you saw the photos on the facebook, i didn't mean to hide anything. i was seriously thinking what should i get because i could only get one and was undecided. i didn't expected or knew beforehand that both wishes were fulfilled by poly mates. i think this is the power of blog? macs was good, just that i had to work the next day. i think i need h2h talk with u all another time soon. i still love you all.

i really had a wonderful bday and i dont know what to say. i need to learn to stop finding which i have been doing all these years because i have a grps of friends who love me for who i am.

i need to focus on my mental well-being for now. sorry if i seem rude on the net when i say good night and go offline immediately as i needa rid of hiding behind the com so often.

i know knwos about gadgets and i have been on the com since 9+pm figuring out how to use itunes. stupid i know. hahahaha. i'm learning. take it slow and steady.

i think i was seeking attention all along. sorry. ignore my entries because they are not my 100% true feelings . i dont even know what i am doing. i hope i wont wake up to be so tired because i know i cant wake up feeling refreshinig. i didnt have this feeling for year(s).

stupid but i dont know if this shld be the last entry.

my hands are always so itchy that i'll try to put a mark to almost every pimple on my face. and i really look horrible when i see the mirror. now i wonder how stefanie sun get all her motivation,strength and willpower from.

reading blackjetta.blogspot.com makes me have mixed feelings again though i dont understand today's entry.

i wanna thank all my poly friends and sec sch friends... i had a wonderful time with all of u. i really loved the hugs. i'm flawed and.... i just cant think properly now.

i had quite a good day at work and thought that this might be a good start. looks like i can't get through the second day. the self absorb feeling is slowly engulfing me. i didn't watch survivor even though i intended to. i dont even know who to talk to be and make sure i wouldn't screw up their life. ok, i'm not as emo as i though i am or feeling now. i'm typing nonsense again. i dont want to spoil anybodys mood tmr and i'm falling sick.

i dont even know what is the real purpose of blogging anymore. its weird. perhaps when blackjetta.blogspot.com close down, i should stop blogging too? i really wish to meet her and know her life. anyone who reads can just comment to me. i feel like an idoit now. i wish someone can just scold me now. so i can stop typing. i cannot control myself. i wish to experience the life of phoon yue chin.

the feeling is on and off. it sucks. when i'm about to come back home, i feel happy. now when i reach home, i feel devestated and think about the next day. i am tired perhaps i shouldn't use the com. perhaps i should stop watching movies/show. to be honest, these shows give me more disappointment than hope. scarlett johansson is so hot when i watched he's just not that into you. i am the same height as her. how pathetic. seth green gives me hope. but he is the only one in 1000000000 people in the world who make it big. making it big doesnt have to be in the media. ok, i'm losing the plot again... phoon yue chin is so beautiful. i'm making myself overexhaust as i'm feeling sleepy right now yet i use the com. ok, i'll try to slp now. good night..

i think in time to come, all i want is to have a partner who is like my mum.....or i wanan try being a girl. i cant live without my mum. how screwed can i be... i always tell her to take care of herself but at the end of the day she is always taking care of the family sacrifacing everything. it hurts but i always cant do anything and sink in deeper and deeper. ok i just teared.

happy birthday pei shan if i didnt sms you at night. sorry. i do not want to spoil the mood of anyones bday. hopefully, i wont.

happy birthday yvonne yeo.

i just cant stop typing.. pardon me. what will happen to rui en and elvin ng. will that happen in real life?

night.

knowing that blackjetta.blogspot.com is closing down makes me feel empty and sad now.

1. i bought my first levis jeans.

2. i thought i was handsome and popular,too complacent and proud in the past thinking that people who couldn't do well in their studies are bound to fail in anything they do in life.

3. i think i got my retribution now that i have to live with it forever. short, ugly and self-centred.

4. intend to start a new blog and leave everything behind once i reach 21.

5. hopefully i can do that and it i know it will be hard because all i did was procastinate and act like a stupid boy who is so superficial and shallow.

6. having the hottest body doesn't mean that you are healthy. fit does not equate to healthy.

7.





i had a pleasant experience in SGH. my mum said i am weird because i wishws that i could stay there longer. these pictures were taken last week and it is healing well. and no, it not as painful as it seems because that caucasian surgeon injected morphine into me. but the itch is killing me. i miss that female surgeon.

8. i doubt that once i start a new blog i will stop raving about the female species.

9. being a doctor is very noble and its not about earning big bucks. kudos and respect them.

10. i'm trying to think properly now but i keep thinking of that female surgeon. ok, time to get ready to go back for appointment. i do not know if i want to see her later because i want to enquire about embarassing question that make me seem stupid.

11. happy birthday cliff! ok, i sound gay but.. i miss you and your antics. like seriously. you're a nice boy. damn! i wanna hug you now.

its very sweet to get nice smses. and i nvr see evon for like a long time. now i feel i'm missing out something when i 'cant' go.

i cant wait for mid 2010 to come and get away from this org.

i wanna be a girl at times.

can anybody tell me or motivate me to do something productive? if only i have the brains of phoon yue chin...

i've got a feeling that 2or 3 or 4 years later i will be still the same as the person i am now. wtf.

ok, i'm so bored i wanna conk off and die.

maybe i'm thinking too much, this org might not be as bad as it seems to be. i'm pessmisitic again, ok bye.

sucks. i hate it but i enjoy talking to the com. wtf. i think i've brain damaged.

a good time to chiong all the tv serial and the books i wanna read these few days since i can't do anything.

good night world. slp early xd,kim and grace.

i wanna buy many pairs of shoes.

onitsuka tiger corsair blue/red/white
adidas vespa white/white
adidas harvard black/white
new balance 1500 white/beige
that pig lining puma shoes i saw beside ngee ann city stadium shop
nike air trainer III blue/white!
nike air yeezy!
nike lunar trainer

and many more! but i cant remmeber them for now or totally cannot afford to buy.
gotta research for formal shoes and running shoes.


oh so high. imagine i wear different shoes on every saturday. it's like for about 1/6 of the year i will be wearing differnet pair of shoes. how cool is that?! wow. time to sleep. i'm totally have a girly side. i love shoes.

shit! i have accidentally click and read part of the unread email xiaode send me regarding the request to felicia chin from him to wish me on my bday two years ago. now i cannot undo the email to unread status! i'm so so so ... first time in the entire two years i have never had the intention to read that email. it was meant to be a surprise forever! how can it happen now.. argh. i am so dumbfounded. ok, time to sleep. i have been offline on msn for an hour reading postsecret and bloggig again.

postsecret




-----Email Message-----
Sent: Sunday, January 25, 2009 8:28 PM
Subject: I feel like you don't want me to know anything about you.

He didn't want to know anything about me because it changed the perfect image he had in his mind of what i should be. so I left him and found someone who likes the flaws.

you know you are not very down to earth person when you do not want to do such job but still get triggered by:

female sales assistant in far east plaza

male assistant in left foot

perm staffs in giordano


i respect them. life is totally not easy.
when i'm worried about being stagnant, fat, or what's not. i'm sure others will also feel the same way. they still take things in their stride. i wonder where do they get such confidence or is it only on the surface?

ok, i'm only on the surface with no substance. i'm f-ed.

i ran yesterday evening. it didn't help me to sleep better. how weird. i slept from 11-3+am and i couldn't fall asleep anymore. now i'm feeling so tired. there is run again later. i know i'm going to be pek cek. should i let it happen? whenever i want to start something good. something always screw up. i can't get enough rest anymore if i can't come back home on thursday.

i wanna blast some loud music now. ok, i'm kind of late. bye.

god bless all.

i am like so high now cos i'm looking at miss selfridge website. hohoho. the clothes are so nice. i wanna be a girl!

changeling
seven pounds
passengers
the reader
the curious case of benjamin button
underworld: rise of the lycans
the wrestler
the woman


i bet anne hatahway is super rich now. she is like starring in every movie.

today's weather is very good to spend it outdoors wiht your love ones. but i dunno what to do.

and i really like ying jia. her 'ah lian of a kind' photo inside facebook. oh so pretty and cool, if i'm her bf i will feel so good. tatoo and sheesha! double combo!but i dunno how to sustain a conversation with for long. ah. ok, she just signed out. want also cannot talk already.

how weird i thought of yj and mich the last two days too. new zealand. wow. so cool.

ok i know nothing and act as if i know everything sometimes. so now i know its my 'retribution' when people laugh at me. its so sad when you are lousy/ugly/or whatever. trying to learn is always not easy. crap. i dont have innate talent.