i think i was seeking attention all along. sorry. ignore my entries because they are not my 100% true feelings . i dont even know what i am doing. i hope i wont wake up to be so tired because i know i cant wake up feeling refreshinig. i didnt have this feeling for year(s).

stupid but i dont know if this shld be the last entry.

my hands are always so itchy that i'll try to put a mark to almost every pimple on my face. and i really look horrible when i see the mirror. now i wonder how stefanie sun get all her motivation,strength and willpower from.

reading blackjetta.blogspot.com makes me have mixed feelings again though i dont understand today's entry.

i wanna thank all my poly friends and sec sch friends... i had a wonderful time with all of u. i really loved the hugs. i'm flawed and.... i just cant think properly now.

i had quite a good day at work and thought that this might be a good start. looks like i can't get through the second day. the self absorb feeling is slowly engulfing me. i didn't watch survivor even though i intended to. i dont even know who to talk to be and make sure i wouldn't screw up their life. ok, i'm not as emo as i though i am or feeling now. i'm typing nonsense again. i dont want to spoil anybodys mood tmr and i'm falling sick.

i dont even know what is the real purpose of blogging anymore. its weird. perhaps when blackjetta.blogspot.com close down, i should stop blogging too? i really wish to meet her and know her life. anyone who reads can just comment to me. i feel like an idoit now. i wish someone can just scold me now. so i can stop typing. i cannot control myself. i wish to experience the life of phoon yue chin.

the feeling is on and off. it sucks. when i'm about to come back home, i feel happy. now when i reach home, i feel devestated and think about the next day. i am tired perhaps i shouldn't use the com. perhaps i should stop watching movies/show. to be honest, these shows give me more disappointment than hope. scarlett johansson is so hot when i watched he's just not that into you. i am the same height as her. how pathetic. seth green gives me hope. but he is the only one in 1000000000 people in the world who make it big. making it big doesnt have to be in the media. ok, i'm losing the plot again... phoon yue chin is so beautiful. i'm making myself overexhaust as i'm feeling sleepy right now yet i use the com. ok, i'll try to slp now. good night..

i think in time to come, all i want is to have a partner who is like my mum.....or i wanan try being a girl. i cant live without my mum. how screwed can i be... i always tell her to take care of herself but at the end of the day she is always taking care of the family sacrifacing everything. it hurts but i always cant do anything and sink in deeper and deeper. ok i just teared.

happy birthday pei shan if i didnt sms you at night. sorry. i do not want to spoil the mood of anyones bday. hopefully, i wont.

happy birthday yvonne yeo.

i just cant stop typing.. pardon me. what will happen to rui en and elvin ng. will that happen in real life?

night.

knowing that blackjetta.blogspot.com is closing down makes me feel empty and sad now.

1. i bought my first levis jeans.

2. i thought i was handsome and popular,too complacent and proud in the past thinking that people who couldn't do well in their studies are bound to fail in anything they do in life.

3. i think i got my retribution now that i have to live with it forever. short, ugly and self-centred.

4. intend to start a new blog and leave everything behind once i reach 21.

5. hopefully i can do that and it i know it will be hard because all i did was procastinate and act like a stupid boy who is so superficial and shallow.

6. having the hottest body doesn't mean that you are healthy. fit does not equate to healthy.

7.





i had a pleasant experience in SGH. my mum said i am weird because i wishws that i could stay there longer. these pictures were taken last week and it is healing well. and no, it not as painful as it seems because that caucasian surgeon injected morphine into me. but the itch is killing me. i miss that female surgeon.

8. i doubt that once i start a new blog i will stop raving about the female species.

9. being a doctor is very noble and its not about earning big bucks. kudos and respect them.

10. i'm trying to think properly now but i keep thinking of that female surgeon. ok, time to get ready to go back for appointment. i do not know if i want to see her later because i want to enquire about embarassing question that make me seem stupid.

11. happy birthday cliff! ok, i sound gay but.. i miss you and your antics. like seriously. you're a nice boy. damn! i wanna hug you now.

its very sweet to get nice smses. and i nvr see evon for like a long time. now i feel i'm missing out something when i 'cant' go.

i cant wait for mid 2010 to come and get away from this org.

i wanna be a girl at times.

can anybody tell me or motivate me to do something productive? if only i have the brains of phoon yue chin...

i've got a feeling that 2or 3 or 4 years later i will be still the same as the person i am now. wtf.

ok, i'm so bored i wanna conk off and die.

maybe i'm thinking too much, this org might not be as bad as it seems to be. i'm pessmisitic again, ok bye.

sucks. i hate it but i enjoy talking to the com. wtf. i think i've brain damaged.

a good time to chiong all the tv serial and the books i wanna read these few days since i can't do anything.

good night world. slp early xd,kim and grace.

i wanna buy many pairs of shoes.

onitsuka tiger corsair blue/red/white
adidas vespa white/white
adidas harvard black/white
new balance 1500 white/beige
that pig lining puma shoes i saw beside ngee ann city stadium shop
nike air trainer III blue/white!
nike air yeezy!
nike lunar trainer

and many more! but i cant remmeber them for now or totally cannot afford to buy.
gotta research for formal shoes and running shoes.


oh so high. imagine i wear different shoes on every saturday. it's like for about 1/6 of the year i will be wearing differnet pair of shoes. how cool is that?! wow. time to sleep. i'm totally have a girly side. i love shoes.

shit! i have accidentally click and read part of the unread email xiaode send me regarding the request to felicia chin from him to wish me on my bday two years ago. now i cannot undo the email to unread status! i'm so so so ... first time in the entire two years i have never had the intention to read that email. it was meant to be a surprise forever! how can it happen now.. argh. i am so dumbfounded. ok, time to sleep. i have been offline on msn for an hour reading postsecret and bloggig again.

postsecret




-----Email Message-----
Sent: Sunday, January 25, 2009 8:28 PM
Subject: I feel like you don't want me to know anything about you.

He didn't want to know anything about me because it changed the perfect image he had in his mind of what i should be. so I left him and found someone who likes the flaws.

you know you are not very down to earth person when you do not want to do such job but still get triggered by:

female sales assistant in far east plaza

male assistant in left foot

perm staffs in giordano


i respect them. life is totally not easy.
when i'm worried about being stagnant, fat, or what's not. i'm sure others will also feel the same way. they still take things in their stride. i wonder where do they get such confidence or is it only on the surface?

ok, i'm only on the surface with no substance. i'm f-ed.

i ran yesterday evening. it didn't help me to sleep better. how weird. i slept from 11-3+am and i couldn't fall asleep anymore. now i'm feeling so tired. there is run again later. i know i'm going to be pek cek. should i let it happen? whenever i want to start something good. something always screw up. i can't get enough rest anymore if i can't come back home on thursday.

i wanna blast some loud music now. ok, i'm kind of late. bye.

god bless all.

i am like so high now cos i'm looking at miss selfridge website. hohoho. the clothes are so nice. i wanna be a girl!

changeling
seven pounds
passengers
the reader
the curious case of benjamin button
underworld: rise of the lycans
the wrestler
the woman


i bet anne hatahway is super rich now. she is like starring in every movie.

today's weather is very good to spend it outdoors wiht your love ones. but i dunno what to do.

and i really like ying jia. her 'ah lian of a kind' photo inside facebook. oh so pretty and cool, if i'm her bf i will feel so good. tatoo and sheesha! double combo!but i dunno how to sustain a conversation with for long. ah. ok, she just signed out. want also cannot talk already.

how weird i thought of yj and mich the last two days too. new zealand. wow. so cool.

ok i know nothing and act as if i know everything sometimes. so now i know its my 'retribution' when people laugh at me. its so sad when you are lousy/ugly/or whatever. trying to learn is always not easy. crap. i dont have innate talent.

i'm feeling so disappointed with myself right now! i send bday greetings to yc at the wrong day. i'm so sad. i think i made a fool out of myself but she still appreciate it. she's such a nice person/blogger.

i think my only resolution now is to be less vuglar and not throw tantrum at my mum. less than 5 vulgar words from my mouth when i'm not working. how weird i do not sprout any vuglarity during work. maybe is my skeleton in the closet. kind of f up. i wonder if my future partner is like my mum... ah. anyway, it doesnt matter cos sooner or later she will leave me if i continue to f up. i jsut read phoon yue chin blog and i really like her work especially the chinese entry. she is so cooool.

oh yes, i just talked to evon on msn. it was cool too. i need to stop hiding behind the screen and do all these in real life. ok, i just feel like giving her a hug now. no lust involved.

good night. now, i think of xd and subsequently the rest of theclass. weird...

ok, i just realised i used like many fs in this entry. bye.

was sitting down and i felt my chest was uncomfortable. i dont really know what is going on but they diagnosed me with nothing wrong though i have slow heartbeat like 1-2mth back. i think something must really happen before they will take action. its just so freaking weird. this is .........

on the other hand, i just knew that my ligament is not torn. so i'm very thankful for that. however, i do not know how true is it. because my mate had his ligament torn, but nothing was done. no op. no nothing. so ironic.

went to mustafa. made me very high and i didn't know how to go around shopping. i want to buy that casio watch. hahahah. seldom i see non digital casio watch. damn cheap and classic and nice. like wow. too bad i've got a digital one already.

i've very happy with my buy. hahahahah. i like it alot. boxer shorts. that is the one and only design left. ok, maybe i should start a underwear collection of the different brands soon. hohoho.

one lady in blue or black satin dress with denim shorts was smoking while jaywalking across the pedestrain. luckily the malay motorist slow down. i wonder what will happen if his bike hit her. ok, the main thing is. she still smiled at him and smoking away. she was so cool. i seriously salute her and her smile was so mesmerising. for a moment, i wished i was her bf/cousin/younger brother. i dont know what. ok, i dont know what i'm talking right now but i like her already. i'm starting to think she is about the same age as zhang zi yi. hahahahha.

i think there is nothing wrong with sunbathing. i would want to sunbath if i can to get a even tan. she makes me feel that i'm normal because if she's so pretty and she has a 'slight bulge' at the tummy area, then i'm normal too. all along i though i was freaky fat because of that bulge. kinda dumb. i hope she won't get defeated by these paparazzi. way to go zhang zi yi!

nowadays my pain threshold is getting lower and lower. somehow i'm starting to bleed more as i rid the hair. i'm starting to feel that my immune is getting worse and worse as i grow older. but the peak of health of a normal healthy person is 24. i wonder if i get any diesease/illness or something.

i seriosuly hate waking up every 2-3hours every night and look at the clock. it just happen. hate to be so tensed.. luckily my cough medicine have been working well for me these few nights.

i also gotta make it a point that i wont go botak anymore because people will discriminate u no matter where u are. public or org.

seriously, i wish to be a girl sometime because guessx3 is on and these girls are so powerful. i want the power of a girl. it can make a guy go crazy. so cool with tattoo.

ok, i'm starting to write for others to see again. shall stop here.

god bless all

ok, i decided i like natalie portman too. she' so so so so so so so X1000000 smart! psychology. 5 langauges. oh so attractive.

dont worry about growing old. grow up.

men make love to woman to seek revenge. (ok, dont get traumatise, not all males are like that)

emptiness kills slowly.

ok, i sound like a 12 year old kid. byebye.

how to become closer to everyone. what happens when you become closer but cannot help to solve the problem, you will feel useless or irritated or don't feel like bothering at all. disappointed with yourself, and then the friendship wont be as stable anymore cos when people tell you something they expect (at least most of them) help... unless really connected, then emotional support can help. ah, then gotta learn how to be good at everything now. wow. scary.

elegy is nice. but some parts i still dont understand. gotta learn how to watch more of such movies. so artistic. salute penelope cruz. i have a crush on her already.