i'm freaking bored. i have no plans i don;t know what to do. might be going out later. hopefully. i dont know whats going on. freaking me out or maybe not. cure me out of my boredom. this change is i-dont-know-what-is-happening. i'm not pleading for anyone or want attention (which i do in the past when i blog). this is it. well, i can't feel . ok, gotta stop. needa do soemthing and get out of the cycle. its getting worse and worse. i cant stop. i really do. ok, stop. stop. break otu. bye.

gotta fight the devil and not him defeat me. hopefully.

gwen stefani, kate beckinsale motivates me for now.

cast away all the evil temptations.

this week have been a rough patch.

endure and fight away all evil thoughts my friend.

happy for yj.

take care of ur leg evon, don't end up like me. touchwood.

hope you take care of your health jiayi.

hope u're happy kw and cw. way to go.

hope you won't get depressed xd. depression is scary. its a vicious cycle. i know it's difficult to get out. i'm feeling the same way too. wonder if both of us are the same now. its difficult for peopel to trust me i feel. its very confusing, and u can only talk to one, one whom is a stranger but u trust and believe that person is good. its difficult to tell ur friends because u cant feel the say even though u know they wont discriminate u.

elfie, wk, grace kwan, jo, agnes,sj hope doing well whatever u're doing.

ok, i'm not feeling sincere now. shall stop typing bye.

2/6 pple i know i've been less or never think much or meet up. but still hope all of u are well thoguh i feel distant but i sincerely do though i dont know much of all ur personal life already. take care.

may god bless me and all. (though i never pray, its wrong but i don't know. there's no motivation, forgive me)

i can't do anything but regret not going out much to orchard these two weeks. perhaps i'd have the 0.1% chance to see phoon yc in person. maybe she's one of the people in the crowd i've passed by but didn't notice. not that i know her well or in person or anything but by just reading her blog, i feel she's a nice person. ok, she's nice. i don't care what u think.

i've stop and try to stop emoing. i really do. i feel a change, real change, like perhaps i've matured abit more and willing to change. there's just this weird feeling that i've never felt before. i didn't even know what i was doing, really numb. i can't even figure out for a moment why i gave up my seat. i didn't feel anything. is this the feeling of being numb? i can't feel anymore. the conversation with mum yesterday was enlightening but am i not feeling anything? i can't even feel anything even though i'm thinking of phoon now.

the only thing i can feel is the frustration towards my sister just now. how i want her to change and learn. i'm not even doing it , how can i demand her to do so. how funny.
on a happy note, i've bought my casual outing shoes.

god blesss all.

it's so frustrating to not know my condition fully if it's a tear, partial tear or strain. how long should i wait before i can continue my regime. i don't know if i can fully recover or regain full strength.i really don't want it to end up like my knee or ankle. wonder why must i get injured everytime i graduated from an institution. it really sucks. now my eyes might have a little problem too, i'm not sure. seriously, i don't even know or know the reason why for what i do in almost everything. i'm not even emo-ing as i type this. is this called self pity or something? or just numb or i'm already psychotic. going for some retail therapy later, hopefully it can help me liven my mode. being happy helps to speed up recovery. i erally dont know how kaka can get back and become so famous after he injured his spine when he was 18. at least he have a proper rehab program. full of admirations. perhaps he's the special one. let me get out of this vicious cycle.

god bless all.

i just read the first 4 pages of last friday new paper. i don't really think think the teacher is in the wrong. call me horny or whatever you say. civilisation/society seems like a false statement. what is right or wrong? why being topless is a wrong thing? how can we really learn if we're not exposed to it?

oh, we were never ourself once we enter this world. our thoughts/visions are already formed once we are in any country/tribes. oh how fun.... f.

hope i can slp later. it's past 11pm. f.
night.

hahahahha. this is so cool. good. happy. i wish both of u can see me smiling now... it's weird how i can get so high after reading blog la.

shi jun is cool too. anyone is cool.


but, phoon yue chin is the coolest though. she's so pretty and sexy and smart and artistic and everything that u can think of.

go read http://blackjetta.blogspot.com

high. but hopefully, i can get to sleep at night later. one of my classmate got presribed sleeping pills... if i know i should have seen him today. they said he's so nice today. wow. miracle. thank god i survive today. way to go jiawang, u're coming out very soon.

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNaJOWp-R2qhywvdJpXJNk3dBmeseJyIEzQIWX4AlK6ww2ZJmL0QiYcdMZ3Hu1n9WSgjsjWcl7d8alVz2N2FVa37zSxWoJdrEZ8BN1BIM2npumScP2zHOV4pq9akVK4IkMzyKY/s1600-h/enough.jpg

and maybe i might feel this if i let it go...

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiwXUdaH9USZUpucdByj2Ci7uzs_R-7om4nCETEufcUIYJAxXzSsY0oZtDjQhIIdeqpHXqh2JCMePwniabZcIX6GsMAaFEmkUuBeBCHSIUArasXqtuA_JDZWnH7RjghqbmxYD6/s1600-h/direction.jpg

i feel like just letting it go and be a kid for once. can i?

how many of us can be what is being protrayed in the media?
perhaps i should totally avoid media like how the np lecturer desmond wee does. oh so confusing.

is it a kind of diesease when you are so tired yet you jsut can't sleep because u think of stuff almost every day?

ok, good night world.

http://sports.yahoo.com/top/news?slug=ap-sprintershot&prov=ap&type=lgns

this article taught me something.

i just realised something.

i think....due to my insecurity, i tend (if not always) to fuck everything up even though that person cares for me. but i don't really know hwo to diffenrentiate who really care. and if he/she cares, then i should care for them too. but it's always them who sacriface (or maybe not). i dunno.

so much for wanting perfection which is more than i can handle. why can i just believe. i'm losing motivation. tired. can some rich pretty girl(or at least can cultivate emotional attachment) rape me and own me. wtf. i'm laughing at myself now.
hope it doesn't rain today though weather reprot says it will in the late afternoon and evening.

when i go back to sch to swim these 2 weeks, i see students studying/doing projects at the atrium. i wonder how many of them can be successful. maybe 1/10 of them? for the rest, i just hope they will go on and do their thing happily.

there's so many different kind of living organisms in this world. it's so confusing. god bless all.

i wonder what is wrong with being inked. i don't really see it as a big deal. why do people stereotype. why do i think everything is seriously ok or i can't really be bothered? something i haven't really figure out. i thought i'm always weird since i was young.

screwed up.

there's this sec two girl (i think) i see on the bus everyday. she look more developed than the rest and she's not like very sexy. her face is puffed up, her eyes are swollen every morning and the way she sleeps is kinda cute. looks like she didn't shower(not to say i know everything about her) but well heck, cos i don't shower in the morning since i entered the army.

maybe cos she's listening to mp3 everyday, carries a crumpler. maybe cos she's the few person i see that smile and being more active in the bus though she sleep most of the time. her actions are very exagerrated and cute.

i wish i'd try those young and dangerous stuff. wonder how it feels to be more rebellious. perhaps i can learn more from it rather than being a good ol' boy. being hardworking is not enough cos it only drains your energy away.

everyone is so sleepy and tired on the bus everyday, i think they practically drag themselves to work/school everyday. civilisation? it's like going against what we want. going against nature. trying to achieve so much when we can't and screw ourselves up.

there's this new girl i saw on the bus yesterday too. she looks like a malay when i was so close to her while letting her board the bus first, only to realise that she's the chinese girl who attracted my attention the day before. she's not very tall, but she wears a green adidas watch. wonder if i can get to know her better. maybe she might be my motivation to go camp in the early morning for the rest of the course if i see her frequently. using lust as a motivation. wonder how long can it last.

not a very good weather today, i'm beginning to dislike rain.

honestly, i can't be bothered because this are my 'past' feeling for yesterday. i'm writing it down to attract attention, love, concern. or i'm like a phildophile if it makes you happy. i'm not willing to tell anyone anything yet. so wtf. i'm talking to the computer. ok, i dunno what i'm really talkign now. bye.

on my way to from far east plaza to hong lim park today, i overheard the conversation of two sisters sitting behind me talking about their mum who is sick and alone at home. shortly after, their mum called. she didn't take her meals, was sick since friday, etc. they didn't know if she went to see the doctor, etc, etc, i guess they were busy with their lives....BUT

one of them was on her way to meet her boyfriend(marcus), decided to go back home to keep her company. it's so sweet of her. it's a good virtue. she called her boyfriend to inform him about her decision and he told her he was also going to visit his grandma later in the evening too. i don't know if they met up eventually at vivo but i was thinking it will be so damn sweet if the bf go her house and accompany this girl and her mum... but well, he's got something else to do (probably he's in the SAF). i think she also know that i'm like observing her but i jsut wanted to tell her that she's nice... hahahaha.

ok, i'm losing the plot now. the strong feeling of wanting to blog this thought is lost. anyway, the gist is ... their conversation woke up me. i realised wanting to get out of this country is kind of a selfish thought. my parents need me to be here. their unconditional love is something i can't ever pay back and yet to learn. but being here for them is the least i can do. it's something i still have to learn. well, i don't know if i can do it in the end....

i also hope the girl and marcus will spend their lives together forever and continue to be filial.
PS: the sihoulette of this girl from outside the bus is attractive. Then again, most girls look attractive to me nowadays or sexy if they wearing like less clothing

i almost wanted to tell the indian guy beside me in the bus happy deepavali just now but i didn't. his baby daughter is so cute... i thought it will be fun and it somehow made me smile when i saw how all the indians are talking and smiling to each other in 960.


after dismantling my three umbro soccer boots, i realised all the soccer boots do not have real cushion. all they have is insoles, some wooden thing(which has another additional layer at the heel), a stick-on netting to act as the second layer of glue, and small rubber pieces sticked on middle part of the feet. the heel counter is always made up of sponge(1st layer) and (cupboard liek thingy). you will see how much material is missing but sitching and glueing the whole boots is not easy.

ok, i sound like a noob here describing all these thing. but please do not keep soccer boots after the mouth is open. small tiny living organisms are living crawling the wooden parts! how cool is that. so fascinating. it's real. try to open your branded shoes if you decide to throw them away (trust me it's very interesting) or you can donate to me!

happy belated chin wei, happy deepavali all.

ok, gotta shower and FO my assignments due at 12AM before i feel f-ed up again.

i always have regrets.

at this moment, i cant wait to quit this organisation i'm work for.

happy birthday felicia chin! :D

may everyone be blessed with happiness.

i wonder if there's such thing as female raping male?

i think i wanna meet siewping and yue chin and blinkymummy.

think that arm_ will help to change me , but i get more confused than ever. i'm not sure if its arm_ that make me miss m_ friends (fake illusion), or i reall_ do care for friends now (real). but part of me/heart tells me i do reall_ care, juz that i don't know how to express it. wonder if an_one felt the difference.

feels like life is restarting now, onl_ that i'm 20. got to learn about lots of basic humane stuff again because i've lost it since man_ _ears ago doing something i didn't know that i'll want to pursue now that won't probabl_ happen.
dreams, realit_.

if i've got a chance to have an hour with:
mother theresa,
paolo maldini(faithful longest serving pla_er in the same club),
robbie fowler (m_ fav pla_er who isn't doing well now),
kaka(injured his spine at 18 and now is a world famous pla_er),
gwen stefani (faithful respectable lad_ who is so forgiving and have her own st_le) ,
louis koo(criminal turn actor),

ok, crap, i don't know do i reall_ respect e most in this world. ma_be m_ parents? how ironic.

what is more important? all jumbled up. mone_, appearance, character, personalit_, mental, ph_sical, happiness.......,

faith. god bless all.

i wish i can run with joanne peh in today's nike human race.

how far would you go to pursue that?

are you ready to sacrifice and faces the consequences?

are you ready to be on your own if no one understands why you are doing that?

are you ready to fail?

are you ready to presevere right to the end?

are you ready to welcome the new you/future?]

are you willing to give it a try?

i don't really see the need to keep ranting off to the computer after 6 years because it doesnt help.