hopefully, everything will be over soon. the workload the school gave is unbearable and it caused unhappiness among people; friendship.

i guess i cant be a good friend to anyone. i just cannot put others before self even if playing soccer now. what happened?

i feel so lost, tired and moody without friends around me especially when i'm at home. think this is not a very good sign. talking to yong kai now, it's been such a long time since i last saw him. a very good trustworhty friend who is also good in soccer.

these few days have been crazy. i never read a single blog. everyone is doing their work and i like this feeling of unity in class. all of us chionging our work, helping each other. i don't like to owe people thing. i'm just afraid i can't help/repay in future. oh well, i guess that's just a stupid excuse to say i'm really selfish ultimately. there's lightning and thunder now i doubt there will be napfa. and if i carry such a big bag to sch, it looks so idiotic. i'm feeling so tired. my energy is being drained off so quickly when i woke up just an hour ago. it sucks to fall sick at the crucial moment. sorry to everyone whom i have spread my sickness. pls let me get well soon.

actually, i was sleeping at 10 but i just can't continue to get to sleep now. so damn tired and i don't know what should i do now. hrf or memorise mqe script and presentation or read about bmd if not i dun know what defects are what , how to do the project. i like my friends but i dislike schoolwork. getting sick soon.

please tell me when should i be sensitive and when should i not? i think i'm too much in a way, but i meant good. all the lifeskills IS modules i took is still not enough. how do i balance it.

although i slept very late yesterday, i had enough sleep and was fresh. i just didnt know why i was so moody today. partially because i missed the quiz and i had to admit i was sad. but when i was going to totally heck care abt it, george yuen gave me another chance when i gave him that stupid face. he was so nice to me and i felt bad/guilty.

i was abt to give up again when both of you helped me out in the quiz. thanks. it was fun/meaningful that i managed to talk to kx,yj and grace kwan a little more. i guess i get to know them a little teeny wenny more after today but i might be wrong.

i realised i judged too much in the past. i'm still doing it now and it sucks. i totally do not know if this change is good or bad, i'm feeling happy at the moment especially in school when i joke or laugh but i'll tend to worry more for my results more than ever. should i keep my mouth shut because i talk without thinking much now and it might have hurt others unintentionally without me knowing.

there's so much more but i can't really think anymore. pls let me fall alseep soon.

all was good until now. it seems that things have gone back to the same but no. once there's scar inflicted, there's just this insecurity/fear that will remain forever. it seemed that he have changed but he should put himself in her shoes. actually both parties should do that (but she's hurt so she don't really have to do that) and then look at it from a 3rd person's point of view so that they can understand each other better. balance is the key. quarrels and jokes happening at the same time confuses me. it's fucking scary. i can't get to sleep again.

dear god, please bless everyone especially my family and friends.

my left toes still hurts now. well, i hope it will be ok soon, if not it's like my right ankle now and i wonder when will it recover. it sucks. but i should be grateful that it didn't break my toes.

i guess all of us have to move on in life at one point of time, it's only just when. it might take some time but you can do it. :)

i'm easily influenced. reading my classmates' blog makes me want to blog just for the sake of it. taking long 963 bus ride alone to vivocity was depressing. i wanted to approach mrs law in vivocity but i need the toilet urgently and then i lost her. she's one of my favourite teacher and the one i let down for o's chem too. sitting by the sea taking an hour long long john silver dinner alone makes people think you're a pervert/lunatic espcially when there are couples everywhere.

but standing on the barricade, feeling the sea breeze while looking at the monorails and cars travelling past the gateway was therapeutic especially when i was so frustrated and getting a headache because i do not know what to get. it was so awkward that one of the pull and bear staff recognised me and must be thinking - "why this stupid boy walk in and out for five times and not buy anything. no money don't enter the shop la. a piece of tee only cost $20++ still take so long decide. customers like him should go and die."

well, i guess soccer and window shopping doesn't relieve my pain anymore, i need to find a new solution. i just have a weird house.

cutest pic.

i need someone to cure me or help me end my misery.

i do not know what should i do now. it's so screwed up cos i slept in the afternoon. anyway, many things happened. sentosa was fun. i'm hope the girls had fun. i like it when everyone enjoys themselves and there's peace and harmony. mum's birthday was screwed again because i quarrelled with my siblings. the incident in the bus make me realised something. i feel inferior when standing beside a girl taller than me but i like tall girls. it's too conflicting. this two weeks term break doesn't rejuvenate me. it was a monday blue for everyone. how difficult can be to wish someone happy birthday in front of the boys. i still can't do it. i'm so tired of everything. but it's paolo maldini birthday today. :)

i realised there's so much to life. sometimes i just feel education takes up too much of our life that we can't even do and enjoy the simplest thing. now i might know why my paternal aunt and her whole family migrated to new zealand for slightly more than a decade ago to live by a sea and open a small convenience shop there. i still haven't got a chance to go visit them yet. sigh.

i need to escape to the countryside of some other country and probably do some social work overseas later. first, i need to find myself again but i doubt i can do it in this environment. i'm still in the process of doing that but i think i'm just weird. i'm like totally lagging and not not in tune with my age. when i'm 12 i do what a 10 year old does. when i'm 16 i do what a 14 year old does. even till now i still get lost in orchard. i should be doing stuff like working part-time, learning driving, partying, socialising, etc. yes? i just can't do what a 19 year old should do when i'm missing out any other "younger phrases" of life. this might explain why i'm such a freaking loner and so anti-social.

this sem might be a flock. tutorials aren't like tutorials. i've this habit of being late for the first lesson everyday at least for half an hour. i don't know why there isnt any motivation anymore. i have this very strong feeling i won't be lucky anymore since god bless me with improving results every sem when i do not put in extra effort.

i've changed. i do not care as much as i do in the past. i do not agree with my friends anymore when i feel it's wrong. i screwed evon, and made some others not so happy especially grace tan when i tried to tease her. it's become a habit for me to be less polite to her. it definitely feels better when i can joke and talk more, but relationships are more fragile.

watching the inter-jc soccer matches make me so nostalgic. i want to experience that too. but i can't anymore. i just keep thinking about it. even if i quit school now, it wouldn't help. how do i fill in this empty void inside me? what can be done? it sucks to live everyday without filling what i really want to do but to do what the society demands of you. i don't want to live with regrets anymore.

working part time doesn't help me to be self sufficient. growing up really sucks. now i know why people don't bother to exercise when they are adults. why you should learn how to be independent. you don't even have time for yourself to sleep yet you can't survive. this world is totaly screwed up.

Does everybody's life revolve around surviving and looking good only to hope that we will have enough money for our retirement? is that our ultimate goal in life? does anyone really give a damn? now the government says even after 65, you can't retire. by that time, you are too old to go backpacking around the world only to know that you wasted your prime years taking care of your children and surviving. think for a moment how many of us are strong enough to do that even if we do not understand how things work in future?

what will the world become? earth will be a haunted and lifeless place sooner or later. so much for the self proclaimed achievements till everyone gets lost. so i prefer the aliens to invade earth right now to save us. god bless.

maybe it's because of the void that i couldn't fill in. i can't feel happy. it's been 3 years. not that i did not do anything, though i have to admit not much was done. but there's some things that id like to try but can't try, to mask this void. it's still empty. even soccer can't help now.

perharps it will be like this forever. is this how a life-time regret is supposed to be?

how can i not try to feel anything and continue to live on with reality? it's just human instinct. i can't control how i feel. it is living dead, worse than being dead.

fuck tertiary educational system.

i fucked my brother up just now when he asked my sister whether she can help him wash his bowl. it's her birthday today and we did not celebrate it. i feel very bad now and i don't know how to apologise to him. i always lose my temper at him. poor brother. youngest and he can't do anything. i'm stuck with schoolwork. damn fucking busy.

i fucking hate projects. i wonder what will happen to my final year project. i realised that guys are lazy but they have a rough idea of what to do for projects. for girls, they're hardworking but they do not know what they have to do. this sucks. i'm feeling trap in this vicious cycle . i totally do not know what i'm studying for anymore, just to survive, to live but not achieving any goals of mine.

i thought my dad changed. but he did not.

i'm trying very hard to like what i'm doing now. but really school sucks, studying sucks too.