working part time doesn't help me to be self sufficient. growing up really sucks. now i know why people don't bother to exercise when they are adults. why you should learn how to be independent. you don't even have time for yourself to sleep yet you can't survive. this world is totaly screwed up.

Does everybody's life revolve around surviving and looking good only to hope that we will have enough money for our retirement? is that our ultimate goal in life? does anyone really give a damn? now the government says even after 65, you can't retire. by that time, you are too old to go backpacking around the world only to know that you wasted your prime years taking care of your children and surviving. think for a moment how many of us are strong enough to do that even if we do not understand how things work in future?

what will the world become? earth will be a haunted and lifeless place sooner or later. so much for the self proclaimed achievements till everyone gets lost. so i prefer the aliens to invade earth right now to save us. god bless.

maybe it's because of the void that i couldn't fill in. i can't feel happy. it's been 3 years. not that i did not do anything, though i have to admit not much was done. but there's some things that id like to try but can't try, to mask this void. it's still empty. even soccer can't help now.

perharps it will be like this forever. is this how a life-time regret is supposed to be?

how can i not try to feel anything and continue to live on with reality? it's just human instinct. i can't control how i feel. it is living dead, worse than being dead.

fuck tertiary educational system.

i fucked my brother up just now when he asked my sister whether she can help him wash his bowl. it's her birthday today and we did not celebrate it. i feel very bad now and i don't know how to apologise to him. i always lose my temper at him. poor brother. youngest and he can't do anything. i'm stuck with schoolwork. damn fucking busy.

i fucking hate projects. i wonder what will happen to my final year project. i realised that guys are lazy but they have a rough idea of what to do for projects. for girls, they're hardworking but they do not know what they have to do. this sucks. i'm feeling trap in this vicious cycle . i totally do not know what i'm studying for anymore, just to survive, to live but not achieving any goals of mine.

i thought my dad changed. but he did not.

i'm trying very hard to like what i'm doing now. but really school sucks, studying sucks too.

i hate school now even though i improve by gpa of 0.3 every single semester. only the second week of school and i have a absent warning email sent to me. i was late, but the lesson was meant to be 2hrs, not 15 mins.

i wonder if i get the job tommorrow, how am i going to cope. i'm so unfit now too.

i feel like a lousy son now. all my parents effort wasted for the past 18 years. i can feel with my heart that my mum is really tired yet i can help but i don't know how to just because i never take initiative too learn. i'm too comfortable with what i have and i take it for granted, not that i don't appreciaite it.

i can't get to sleep and have been lying on the bed for the past 2 hours. In just a few hours time, i'll be in vietnam. i know i make it sound so drama but this is my first time.

god bless me.

i love my family.

it's been quite busy these days. a little not used to having so much stress during the holidays and i think the template i made for the blog is one of the best i have done not to mention spending the most time on it.

i'm not really looking foward towards the trip to vietnam because i'm worried i might die there or something. or make many many enemies when i can't control my temper or get super frustrated as i'm not one who can handle so much stress. one of my concerns is also failing this module. but i hope that once we reach there everything will be fine and i will not be as concerned as to fail or pass because the main objective is to learn and serve.

tomorrow is the day i'm going to take the plane without any relatives. i'm tired. i'm a little worried about my family. i'm paranoid. i hope i won't break down.

i'm tired and sleepy now.

i made rosanne bored again. i really dislike it when i converse with girls online or face to face. it scares me and 90% of the time, i bored them. sigh.

i'm getting worried for my brother. i just don't know why there's this feeling that he might smoke or turn bad. i hope not. as an elder brother, i need to spend more time with him. but it's always going out and i do not know where to go, shop, eat or play. we can't afford to do so. but at the same time, i'm slightly more enthusiastic about working. i feel guilty and unhappy whenever i spend my money when i'm with my friends. i realised i spend more money with others (reluctanntly or not) than on my family. i feel so damn bad now.

although my left wrist still hurts from friday, talking to rosanne made my day. i think i'm having a crush on her again. i wished i can talk to her all day. i need to hone up my conversation skills, it's always bore people when i keep asking questions. but what else can i do when i don't know much about other stuff?

although the probability of me failing the exam later is 50% (lateness probability is also 50%) , but seeing the smile on my mum's face while watching guess guess guess on channel u is worth it. so pure, so innocent like a child.

i love my mum.

happy birthday to my brother and lee yi wei.

i think i'm screwed for exams and god might not help me again since i deserve it.
i realised sadness can turn into obsession and then into hatred.
i just can't get down to study for 10 mins. hope i won't fail my exams.

i hope i won't get emo and destroyed everything they planned for jiayi later. it's always me and me although it's not my birthday.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hwwx2kfSa6Q&NR

although this is nothing really related to me, but it never fails to make me tear and sometimes think back of the past. i feel like such a anti social failure. i want to live in it, not memories. but how?

i was horny but not now because of the last post..

maybe i'm not open-minded or traditional or whatever you call that. but after the last post yue chin put up. it drives me nuts and left me thinking about something for a while. i want to be her younger brother or cousin or boyfriend. hahaha.
why am i born so short and ulgy and stupid and unfit?

i'm so pathetic that i talk to myself.

i totally dislike my father's attitude. he sucks. after peeling his dead skin on his feet, he doesn't wash his hands and went to touch the switches all over the house. the worse was he didn't showered (definitely) or changed(maybe) for 3 days since he didn't come home. he even tried to deny what he did and went to use wet tissue paper to clean all over the switch. i think there's something very fucking wrong with him. he just had another fucking accident outside knocking don't know what freaking car.

I REALLY DOESN'T WANT HIM TO COME BACK HOME EVERYNIGHT, COME BACK WHENEVER I'M IN SCHOOL OR OUTSIDE.

i've been waiting for him to say he doesn't want to provide for this family so that i will be forced to work and earn my own living.

happy birthday audrea lan. i hope you're alright and do not do anything silly at the other end of the world. god bless.

i skipped two different lessons in three days, landscape managment lecture and property management tutorial, a total of 3 hours. i'm scared i will fail propert management exam.

i saw the same girl at the balik kapmpong bazaard today. she was wearing a navy blue cotton knitted sweater and a bright green billabong or ripcurl( i can't remember) mini skirt. she is not that tall but is attractive and most probably from mass comm. smart. also tanned skin.

today, elfie and i jogged (4km) and went to the gym for a while to do 'upside down' situps (i don't know what you call that).

my right knee hurts and is still hurting now. it's starting to screw up everytime i run or play soccer recently. i was wondering whether the dislocation/bulging bone in my left knee is a blessing in disguise since it doesn't hurts except that i can't kneel down on it.

i surfed some sites related to soccer and forgot the time till now. haven't started on my work and is having 9am lesson tomorrow. and i think i have to redo tutorial 7 since there's no time to do so tomorrow as it's torn when i lent kim wei.

i so feel like not doing any work but go to sleep right now.