although the probability of me failing the exam later is 50% (lateness probability is also 50%) , but seeing the smile on my mum's face while watching guess guess guess on channel u is worth it. so pure, so innocent like a child.

i love my mum.

happy birthday to my brother and lee yi wei.

i think i'm screwed for exams and god might not help me again since i deserve it.
i realised sadness can turn into obsession and then into hatred.
i just can't get down to study for 10 mins. hope i won't fail my exams.

i hope i won't get emo and destroyed everything they planned for jiayi later. it's always me and me although it's not my birthday.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hwwx2kfSa6Q&NR

although this is nothing really related to me, but it never fails to make me tear and sometimes think back of the past. i feel like such a anti social failure. i want to live in it, not memories. but how?

i was horny but not now because of the last post..

maybe i'm not open-minded or traditional or whatever you call that. but after the last post yue chin put up. it drives me nuts and left me thinking about something for a while. i want to be her younger brother or cousin or boyfriend. hahaha.
why am i born so short and ulgy and stupid and unfit?

i'm so pathetic that i talk to myself.

i totally dislike my father's attitude. he sucks. after peeling his dead skin on his feet, he doesn't wash his hands and went to touch the switches all over the house. the worse was he didn't showered (definitely) or changed(maybe) for 3 days since he didn't come home. he even tried to deny what he did and went to use wet tissue paper to clean all over the switch. i think there's something very fucking wrong with him. he just had another fucking accident outside knocking don't know what freaking car.

I REALLY DOESN'T WANT HIM TO COME BACK HOME EVERYNIGHT, COME BACK WHENEVER I'M IN SCHOOL OR OUTSIDE.

i've been waiting for him to say he doesn't want to provide for this family so that i will be forced to work and earn my own living.

happy birthday audrea lan. i hope you're alright and do not do anything silly at the other end of the world. god bless.

i skipped two different lessons in three days, landscape managment lecture and property management tutorial, a total of 3 hours. i'm scared i will fail propert management exam.

i saw the same girl at the balik kapmpong bazaard today. she was wearing a navy blue cotton knitted sweater and a bright green billabong or ripcurl( i can't remember) mini skirt. she is not that tall but is attractive and most probably from mass comm. smart. also tanned skin.

today, elfie and i jogged (4km) and went to the gym for a while to do 'upside down' situps (i don't know what you call that).

my right knee hurts and is still hurting now. it's starting to screw up everytime i run or play soccer recently. i was wondering whether the dislocation/bulging bone in my left knee is a blessing in disguise since it doesn't hurts except that i can't kneel down on it.

i surfed some sites related to soccer and forgot the time till now. haven't started on my work and is having 9am lesson tomorrow. and i think i have to redo tutorial 7 since there's no time to do so tomorrow as it's torn when i lent kim wei.

i so feel like not doing any work but go to sleep right now.

there's so much work to do, i don't know where to start. i want to run, swim, play soccer and grow taller yet i can't afford to fail my modules.

suddenly i don't really know what i really want or i never did.
getty image's pictures are just breathtaking.

i can't finish my work and feel like sleeping now. do not have the motivation to do anything as i'm having a stomach pain since 9pm and it's not the kind i experience frequently. it just hurts inside, not gastric or bloated or anything. maybe it's the pear i ate. anyway, i wished my dad didn't come home. i'm so used to him not coming home. in fact, when he comes home, i can't really get to sleep.

i am late and i can't be bothered. i dislike projects. i have no friends. when there is proejcts, i want to do the things i want to do. but when there is no more project for the week, i feel so empty because i'm already so used to doing project to occupy my time even though i get frustrated because i think all of the content is what i did and i don't know how to explain. i'm already to used to doing something that i can't do what i want to do. i'm feeling so lonely today. what shall i do after school? it sucks. i don't want to work/do tutorials/study all my life as i think i won't be in this industry.

went to watch pirates of carribean: dead's man chest at jurong point with my siblings today. it was good to see that they are growing up and learning. how i felt at that moment cannot be described. it was the first time they ate in subway and after i taught jeremy how to order. i made him teach jasmine how to order, choose whatever topping, sauce, etc that they want.

i seriously wish they will not follow my footsteps of being antisocial and insisting on doing what they like when they know they don't have the training/or groups of friends/willpower to do what they want solely by themselves. they have to choose another alternative unless they want to suffer like me. i can't explain to them but can only see them go through the somewhat similar process that i went through. this makes me feel useless.

i seriously hope neither of them are having an affair outside or anything. i had moodswing yesterday and suddenly i didn't feel like doing any work. i didn't even swim for two weeks already neither did i went to jog. unable to curb myself, i sinned not too long ago.... i also started to wonder if i was walking by faith and it takes such a long time because i know something will happen. i am like bluffing myself to be happy and i know that will not last as it is a deception.

i'm officially shorter and lighter now. 163cm and 54.9kg. i wonder why.

god have been kind to me. i have been reading the book and my thoughts are not so negative these few days. started to go swimming and jogging two weeks ago. intending to make it my weekly routine if time and schdules allow. swimming does makes me feel satisfied although some elderly and kids swim so many more laps yet much faster than me and my hair is totally dried out/spoilt (i don't know), not smooth and silky anymore.

i have begin to feel the pain in my right knee rencetly even if i don't walk much. the workload from school is getting so much heavier day by day. i can't decide whether to join a cca. the awkwardness of being a yr2 together with yr1, projects, time management, friendships and really being happy in that cca... but the rest of my schoolmates are getting so many cca points, experiences, friendships and resume built up. but my pride and being not contented. 2 wrongs.

i'm starting to worry again. the third wrong.

oh yes, i saw a lady/female young adult on the bus today when i get back from ttsh. talking about this. let me digress a little, i went ttsh twice and i wasted my time and money travelling there. i have to make an appointment to go there again with at least another two classmates/tripmates so i will get to save about $35 on consultation fees. it's so expensive and troublesome to get a travel pre evaluation because everyone have different timetable/schdule, which is the main reason(that i forgotten) why i wrote an entry today.

coming back to the lady, i think she stays in the condominium just beside raffles town club. she's like slightly taller than me and wearing a black flowery designed dress and flats. she have long hair, nice skin, pretty(i don't know what is pretty) and good figure(i supposed) and there is a charisma about her. she just attracts me and melts me heart. i was feeling as if jessica alba/keira knightley was standing beside me. she was not dressing skimpily though she did stretch her dress down a bit and she uses a samsung phone of an old model. only after she left the bus that i thought i should smile at her when she looked at me and tell her she is very sweet looking and attractive. maybe this might start to become a good social psychology experiment in the bus. maybe if i dressed in jeans and carry a crumpler that makes me looks more mature she would have a deeper impression and i would stand a chance to know her. maybe she's already married but i assume she's 22. but seriously, i can't even remember how she looks the minute after she alighted from the bus. i can only remember her dress, her footwear colour, her purse, her phone, a mole on her face, the colour of her bag, her toe nail colour and where she stays. i might want to take 190 every tuesday opposite far east plaza around 5.30pm.
one word.
lust.

i wish i can attend my cousin's wedding tea ceremony later in the morning but there is freaking property management test at a freaking 9am. it sucks because i just started studying not too long ago and i might just fail it if i forget all the calculations tomorrow as i can only have about <5 hours of sleep, and i can't memorise for nuts. stupid course that requires so much memory work.
thank goodness financial management has many calculations, but i forget all those theory part i memorised so i hoping to get >75. girls who don't look like they play soccer yet they do, are getting more and more attractive.

screw financial management. F it.

i don't really like those who are better than me (born smart or hardworking) and talks so much or being sarcastic. especially if you are born rich and think that you can survive without going through all those shit (though you really might, but by then your freaking ego is burst) ... if you are born poor and that you are not improving anymore and you think you're so good because there is people better than you... quit acting if you can't act well anytime of the day of this whole social game in your life. i'm a bastard. are you?

sitting on the bus on the way to botanic gardens last monday made me recalled

how my primary school soccer team sung in the bus...

i think we either draw 1-1 or won 1-0 for our first match.

mr donald tan bought rose syrup for us to drink during half time on the way to queenstown field...

i didn't guard the post properly because someone was unmarked and i thought it was my job and left the post, lose 2-1. albert being the goalkeeper scolded me. i teared in the bus sitting at the inner seat while others noticed. albert apologised to me. i learnt never to leave the post no matter what after mr donald tan told me off my mistake...

the moulmein no.7 striker took me down after the goal kicked was taken.. they carrying on playing and thomas scored but i didn't see how he scored... i was taken out and malcolm played. i wasn't that badly injured but the next morning, the whole morning session knew i was the player and is a prefect who was taken down, 'dedicating' my life to school...

our highest scoring game 6-0 played in bukit ho swee primary school (now gan eng seng primary school)

we lost to st. micheals 4-0 and got 2nd in south zone. half of their team was at least half a head taller than us and they were physically fit, they deserved to win.

we lost 2-1 our last match in boon lay secondary school, the muddy field. knocked out off the first round of nationals.. i remembered how nicholas headed out the ball unitentionally if not we could have draw... how the whole goal post tumbled down before the corner kicked was taken becaused wilson pesik guarded the post and grabbed/pulled it down.. how mr donald tan rotated the squad and try to let everyone play... but say thuan did not play for the last match as i played his position while the 6H guy( i forgot his name) took my position as he didn't play before... how we sat there after the match and went back dissapointed.

my short stint of this competition has made/break me to become who i am now and i can't forget it ever in my whole life. friendships, trainings, going through everything as a team. the only thing i know i want more than other thing i want. i want to live in it, i don't really want memories... participating in competitions is important to me... i guess if shi ling sees this blog she will understand so much more especially when vjc soccer girls won this year competition and was last in last year's.

somehow losing hope in soccer, the only constant i have... after i realised how i played today...
i can't seem to improve anymore even though i haven't get to the top yet. stagnant for 6 years with cca i don't really like (but still do have memories) in sec sch and ccaless in poly.

self fulfiling prohecy. pass the 5 credit tests or have retest? i really begin to lose interest in studies.

it's been more than a month since i blogged. this semester, i feel that the lecturers do not really teach that well or maybe it's just me that can't absorb what's going on though i pay attention in class. the only lesson i enjoyed is the social psychology module taught by desmond wee. i think i'm doomed for the individual presentation on tuesday.

common test is this week and next but i haven't started studyinig. i've got totally almost no interest. i think i might fail some modules. no more a or b or c. life has not been bringing me to anywhere. i still can't take the intiative to do something first, afraid that it might offend/affect others. i've got to know recognise the face of more people knowing their names in school, but that doesn't help. some others i know online did a better job though.

the inter jc competitions of soccer, hockey,netball,basketball, badminton has ended. this time round, i never never saw a match being played. tears of joy and sadness. some people didn't make it to their wish of having 8 years of gold medals on this last competition. some came back and fought for gold, that they reigned for many years. some never gave up despite knowing that their opponent is going to win. some was torn apart when they had to play against their friends from secondary school. it's only just been a week or two... some are already healed, some are not. some are having mid year exams, some are having their after the june holidays.

and i never had a chance to feel like any one of them since 6 years ago. i'm still as lifeless as ever. totally numb living in self fulling prophecy. just like my dad whom i don't even know whether he's improving or not.

i've signed up for the vietnam community service trip in september hoping that it will help me to realise that leading a simple life is nothing bad but good, look at the kids over there. but that will definetely burn a hole in my parents' pocket.

yeah. i think i did a super duper small contribution... but my words was full of mistakes.
jessica alba wrote an entry too.

hahaha. my dream is to hold the hands of jessica alba or keira knightley or kate beckinsale or jennifer aniston walking down the beach.

i can't get my eyes off you... hahahhahahahaha. i'm stupid, dumb, spoilt, short, ugly boy.

i hurt the feelings of an online friend whom has been a great friend to me for 2 months since before the exams start. we talked everything under the sun revealing my darkest secret no one ever knew. i shouldn't have said anything at first. i'm still so fucking judgemental and immature bastard. things will never ever be the same again. i think being hang to death will be my death sentence in future. i have no feelings as i type this entry and i know something is very wrong.
i ought to be shot to death.