was happy yesterday. the feeling with chee heng , kevin, deborah and ivan is totally different. its so fun but i still think and feel that i am extra. they make me feel welcomed but...... perhaps i'm thinking too much.

i need a restraining order from blogging or msn messenger and i wonder who can help me.

what she said made sense but i do always ignore what she said and dont put it into action. and she started to ask me to be honest with myself. am i really honestlying willing to change or am i just bluffing myself? now she knows part of the reason is to get away from camp. so what's next? how do i forgo everything and start afresh? feels like a loser though i am already am at the losing end for the past 6 yrs.

beatrice tan seems so nice and perfect. i wonder how can she be her when there is so many distractions. admire her.

bye before i talk shit again. ok, i did amend a few sentences and talked shit.

couples retreat was good. i always dig such romance movies.
i'll definitely want to watch valentines' day cos there is julia roberts, jennifer garner, jessica alba, ashton kutcher, topher grace and many more.

aspire to be like jennifer garner and ben affleck, gwen stefani and gavin rossdale. or perhaps i will never be.


i think acting shld be fun, but i'm not trained in it and i think i view it different from those hollywood actors/actresses. i respect them.

outfield with reservists was fun/sucky/etc.
they freaking camo super fast, do everything super fast.
i cant imagine gg thru that for another 10yrs.
reading kw's blog but too stone to really fully understand or doubt i will ever understand.
xd reminded me of stargirl.
and then it reminds me of yc not replying to my emails anymore.

went shopping with sis and am glad she is beginning to learn how to dress up and all. how excited she was when she like that fox dress thingy. but it is just too exp. glad for her. and when i see the shirts, it reminded me of yc.

havent read sec sch friendsb lolg yet. it seeems that i dont read blog often anymore neither do i update. good or bad.

moleskine but i dont know if it helps me or my penned up feelings will not work after few months becuase there isn o one to talk to.

disappear seems good becuase i dont feel that i have anyone even if they say till will be there for me cos i dont think i will even be there for myself. crazy.

starting afresh is best. sonija kwok is so pretty. i like her character in walk on the beat. i like doesnt mean that i can get. cos it is a preference. everything will be different if i am not competent.

oh well, i jsut wanna do what i want.. as in enjoy what i am doing, have enough to survive. then start to earn abit more. and hope everything will go smoothly. first step is hard. enjoy what i do. be happy.

ok. gotta stop cos i jsut realised pple will be reading and so i am going to start my shit. bye. sleep now to replenish the lsot of sleep the past 4 days.

oh yes, some reservists guy are hot and cute and nice. like wow esp that young lieutanant. i got his number when he called me to run errand but i havent save. wow. ok, i sound super gay now.

bye.

the only reason why i'm on msn cos of xiaode and not xiang sheng. it's irritating me. now i know why yue chin doesnt talk to me after awhile. i am so fucked up, now i realise. i dont know if he still envy me or what. or if he sense me being hotsile to him. i reall hope he dont do that to others cos it will irrittate the shit out of them. i havent email yue chin for close to 2mths, its getting kind of alright not to talk (read:irritate) her. still think of her soemtimes, and it can be sweet to see her wide smile on facebook. i hope she is doing well. i dont mean it now not cos i'm bnlgogging and people is reading but in my heart when i'm on the bus or walking alone or just have thoughts of her, i hope she is happy eating properly.

ok, i need to slp before i fuck up further.

bintan, i dont know ifi 'm lookng forward towards it but still. i hope it wont screw up. pls dont judge my scars on my back, face, ass, thigh. i am happy to be with them even though i dont talk much or play soccer or not understanding half of what they say half the time.

sometimse i htink the organisation is screwed up. sometimes i think i am screwed up. now i'm feeling abit fucked up. and because of what was said yesterday and during sunday's night dinner for ye ye's bday.

i get irritated easily. i hate to lose to feel lousy. i hate to be imperfect not like this girl i saw in the bus where she had a nice body i supposed with flawless skin and no scar. my skin is getting worse. i shld not complain and what fuck or not i dont care. this is my blog. i am solo, selifsh, bastard , whatever i dont care.

join the osama clan perhaps.

i hate my back. i hate being dirty everyday with grease,oil, hurting back. i cant have good sex. i cant please my partner. i cant turn properly or bring the ball over smoothly without straining my back. i can do well in sprots industry. i dont have money. i need to plan. i dont know hwo to start, where to save and when i want to start other things fuck me up mentally. i cant do a sit up without feeling painful. megan fox can rape me anyday.

F.

i need to focus. bye.

i hate god sometimes.

donated blood for the first time last friday. wasnt as scary as i thought though it hurts a little and felt so weirdly uncomfortable when the blood is draw into the packet for that few minutes.iiits coming to the end of the year, and its christmas. siloso beach party. i shld have let jy and evon dunk me half naked into pool thingy last year. wasnt spontaneous enoguh was too self conscious now i dont think i can ever let them do it anymore.

what can i do from now till 10am?

call up driving instructors?
exercise?
my entire arm and chest hurts for 3days after 2 sets of 30. result of not doing any push ups for 2-3mths. how weak can i be.

ok.bye.

when you are 13 and 3cm shorter, u can do it in 10.30
when you are 21 and 3cm taller, u barely make it thru with 11.50
when most people did it in sub 2hr, and you cant even do half that length.

could have normal skin like others but due to my perfectionist nature, i ruined it and made it worse. maybe if i slept more and not do my homework religiously even though i dont know what i was doing hoping that miracle will happen, i might have grew taller.

maybe maybe maybe. maybe i shld be a femalel. dreaming. why this why that? why get defineed by a piece of paper? why? what will happen if i becoem a parent? how can i help my children to find their strength asap? enrol them into millions of programmes? let them do what they want and figure it themselves?

since it's been screwed why still think of it? why not improve or other thigns and everything will fall in nicely in time to come.

i think both of them will put some people to shame.

gwen stefani: singer, mother of two, 40, starts work like almost immediately after pregnancy, amazing abs, $26mil in 2007.





natalia vodianova: supermodel, mother of three, 27, had a difficult childhood, blessed with amazing body, almost $5mil in 2007, founder of charity foundation.



since i cant be extraodrinary, i shld try to learn how to enjoy the simple pleasure of life. so what people say, i shld fuck it unless it makes sense? then again, nothing makes sense because everything is grey.

i hope i can roller blading later though the last time i did was still around the 'training area'. weird. tanning sessioon at the pool now?

this taiwanese show is pissing people off. it is very endearing but no one in this world will let this happen cos most of us will be doing something about it before this happens. it has to be like total coincidence for it to happen. but for me to become as fucked up as guocongmin is easy. so soemtimes watching this show is bad for me.

meet up with zhi hao on fri. it's been years since we sit down and have a properl meal together. played soccer with him too. i'm glad that chee heng, zhi hao and i was in a team just now. soccer dont mean as much as before now, being a the same team feels better. cliff and zhi hao are police colleagues. such a small world.

i feel like moving out. i find it kind of messy. my apretns and our slping time and our hoseu environment. at the same time, i can be real indepedent, wash clothing, settles meals, doing housekeeping, paying bills all on my own = less meeting out, less budget for bdays. i feel like leaving sg. i hate my scars. i feel so ashamed of it but it is my fault. i cant play soccer half naked like the rest. there is nothing much left for me now that can or will keep in this country. no one will love me. even so , i dont feel it. i need to achieve something to feel good.

time to slp. lie on bed 10pm every ngith since thursday but i am always waking up almsot every hour thru the night. this sucks.

pls click the close button on the right if you feel uncomfortable with me discussing abt topics related to sex or think that i'm horny right now but i am not.

i jsut wonder how it feels to be a female pornstar. their life and all. i would want to experience it before passing remarks on them. being topless and washing cars is not degrading in my opinion as long you dont get the wrong idea or just keep thinking of getting the pants of those models because it is natural to be naked. we shldn't be ashame of our body but feel very comfortable in our skin.

scubadive.
skydive.
bungee.

love self before you can love others.

wonder yc came here to club or work. i didnt stop by orchard since fri till now. supposed she might fly back already.

good night.

using a blackberry that was found and unregistered sucks.

10pm. I was lying on bed. Things on my mind run wild. I couldn't sleep till now. But I'm really very tired after today's swim. Perharps I didn't exercise enough till the extent such that I can KO immediately. Those kids especially the girl in blue and the boy with ronaldo world cup hairstyle swam so well I felt ashamed of myself.
Ece



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10pm. I was lying on bed. Things on my mind run wild. I couldn't sleep till now. But I'm really very tired after today's swim. Perharps I didn't exercise enough till the extent such that I can KO immediately. Those kids especially the girl in blue and the boy with ronaldo world cup hairstyle swam so well I felt ashamed of myself.
Ece

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Trf

hopefully when i write this entry. i will not revert back to who i am who type all those crap....

i've realised how such a procastinator and how much i pissed peopel off when i complain, justify myself, etc. i need to thank this army friend who kind of keeps thinking i'm very good and made me realised i was (amybe still am) such a person to phoon yc. now i know how irritating i can be. some things cant be forced. soem things you dont have to try too hard.

it was great to see poly friends yesterday. i thought it would be very awkward but it was still a fun bunch. i still didn't take initiative.

i still adore beatrice tan, claire jedrek and annoymously check out the profile of others whom i adore.... hopefully, someday, oneday, soon i will not need to do that again. when the tiem comes, this will mean that i've become a more secure person.

god bless all.

puay tze, thanks for the steamboat treat. :)

happy 40th birthday gwen stefani.

and also the other oct babies: pt, alex, xd, grace, cw, yy.

you know you're screwed when ms singapore can run 10km in 67mins.

sometimes i wonder how they can go thru life after the pagant or whatever competition and lead a normal life yet again. how can they be so down to earth i wanna know. i need to learn from them. but then again, they're so beautiful and they know that only more opportunities will come. they wont starve. not saying they're bimbos cos i know they're all graduates from uni. prolly 2X smarter than me.

its so sunny and by the time i reach the pool the sun will set and i cant tan anymore.

wtf if i can run faster than her. she's so beautiful and have so much more to offer to the world or whatever thing than me.

sometimes i wonder what will happen if u put a long scar across the face or body of beautiful people. or what if they aren't born with the looks. how their life will change. worse than mine or ?

fing off from the com to do something outdoors amd save myself b4 its too late.

i'm so pissed off with the trojan horse thingy cos i cant solve it.

i cant meet kelly,andeline and all cos it'll be 9+pm once i reach there and it makes no sense for me to see them for 15mins and all the rush i need to go through. i want to see them but i havent shwoered or eat or anything.

i havent had my dinner.

i havent hydrated myself properly today.

i'm so bored.

i'm so tired yet i cant sleep.

i feel liek going for a run but it's a exercise day tmr.

i dislike what my mum cooked for dinenr today.

i dun know if i pissed her off again or something. i jsut cant stop complaining. hopefully she's just a busy wonderwoman these few days.

i didnt sleep well yesterday.

i feel very itchy and dirty but its a waste of water if i'm gg to shwoer b4 i run.

my muscle cant heal and i'm not imporving if i do not have inadequate rest due to lack of slp and adding mroe stress to it tmr.

now i think i shld have ignore all my homework in the past and jsut go to slp because i'm not a scholar . hard work doesnt pay.

i'm so screwed. i feel like buying a new computer/laotop now and use this one as a punching bag now.

i need someone special to save me.
i need salvation.
i need to change my life.
i cant type much because right now i'm typing to atract attention and this sucks.

there was this girl in the bus who was talking to her friend and it makes perfect sense and i realised i've been so fake.

or denstined to lead a lonely path?

no i'm not emoing. definitely. i cant apprecaite pple who care cos i dun feel special, jsut someone a fridn to them.

everything is getting meaningless.

ok, i'm f ing it up again. bye.

ok, sidetrack. i was looking at my back in the mirror durign showers and it reminds me of yj spine. idk why. but i like her spine. its really sexy.

hk was fun. might post pictures when i get hem and sought the permission from my friends. sorry peishan i didnt reply ur sms cos i didnt know what to reply afraid that it will trigger u to be more sad.

k, i cant be bothered but only to attract people attention to know how different i am in real and behind the com but i dunno what the hell is it beneficial to me. more like helping others to know my weakpoint, the more f up/scary/horny/disillusional/whatever f side of me .

i shldnt even start typing becos i cant stop now.





























































































































f up.

today's miss sng's bday.
today's stefanis sun's concert.
today's exactly 10mths before most of my friends ....
today's 1yr and 10+ days before i can f off frm e org.
i cant wait for stefanie's sun bday next year.

it taught me not to dream but to live for others and get slapped back on the face.
it taught me how to feed the ego/pride of others.
it taught me to treasure time.
it makes me feel worse than usual.
i totally do not have respect for e org.

if possible, e birthplace of my sons, anywhere else but not here.

happy belated kelly and joanne.

lifes f up.

suck it in and give 2years to them. yc said. still trying. i havent talk to her in awhile.

not eanring money on a sat, neither am i 'enjoying' myself but wasting life at home cos i got to suck it in.

i cant control my anger management. i secretly think that i can pick up fighting fast and have thoughts of taking up so i can vent my anger. i miss punching the everlast in the hotel.

spore is so $%^&*(.

there's alot to learn from Padma Lakshmi. i think she's really beautiful.... and sexy.

wasted my sunday. wait and wait. fucked up weather. wasting my time. perhaps its time to consider doing things that doesnt involved anyone. no more team sports? needa think of how to earn big money. every man for himself. but still gotta get help from others. socialisation. whatever.

sometimes love ain't enough. it will never be.

i can't control the urge to type. hence, there's this entry.

i can't differentiate what is feel and think. 'm

and no, it's not emo. i still can't imagine what's going to happen next if i do change. and in some ways i'm comfortable with what i have now though i claim its not enough cos i want more. i want to try many things. i wanna hit rock bottom but afraid that i cant get up. or neither do i want to be 'traumatised' my whole life. awnt to be there for everyone, but i knwo i'm not that selfless enough to die for anyone. ok, running late. gtg before i get punished.