i'm living in a 5 room flat, yet i squeeze with my parents and my sister in a master bedroom. lying on the floor everyday with a matress which is not longer than me. have to wake up now because the clock radio is being blasted so loud everyday by my dad and i wonder how he slp with it. doesn't he spare a thought for others thought he's in depression or feeling bad? don't they know that i'm feeling bad too? maybe i should really do something to attract some attention, and i know i can't really take it anymore, feeling so weary. but it's isn't fair to my mum.

religion is making my family upside down, especially my sister. she find comfort in church and hence being influenced by the preaching of her church friends. i do not object to it, but then which parents aren't concern with their children? now i see why singapore doesn't talk abt religion. it's so sensitive. osama bin laden. saddam hussein. war. there will never be peace as long as religion is concerned. my brother is using vuglarities at the rate of i do now, which is bad. he's going to a new school, and i hope he will not get influenced or anything especially at this age. and i wonder why do i use that damn f word every single day now with the middle finger. it's christmas and i was thinking if i can go to school for a swim since no one is there to laugh at me on how slow i swim and the way i swim. happy birthday jesus christ.

i never really liked christmas or christmas eve since 13.
tsunami. may they rest in peace.

thomas ong is so so so so so so so so so so so so duper freaking handsome!

i'm going gagagagagagagaga over him.

Thomas Ong ROCKS! he's the first actor i liked since young. he's so boyish,handsome,tall. love conceige is a nice show.

although yesterday was a day filled with activities, went to snow city and played soccer after that. it didn't manage to keep me happy today. sentosa on monday wasn't that fun as i thought though i played volleyball (which i sucks) with some yr3 IT students from np/sp and students from nus sci faculty. one of them who has permed hair, wearing a white esprit top with a beige-brown billagbong shorts and pink roxy slippers is so attractive, the way she speaks makes me want to melt. and she's taller than me. haha, talking about her makes me happy now.

i envy the 3 'siew' sisters. their blogs makes me happy and sad. their famil, friends and everything is so good.

fuck is a useful word. it can be a noun or verb or adjective. fuck shit.. fucking hell. fuck you.

i don't know what i want for christmas and who to give present to. if i'm going to do so, this will be my first time.

sometimes i hate people to say thanks to me, it's so formal that i feel i'm not their friend thought i start to believe that i'm motivated by appreciation. it's should be that way, we should help each other and it should be out of concern. but i'm doing it hoping to rekindle that kind of closer relationship 5years ago.

i dread tests, it's so fast, half the semester is gone.

been very tired these few days due to schoolwork. i think i'm being condemn by my advisor just because i don't bother to distort a smile on my face. so much about first impression...
being consistant doesn't help at all, it's the exams that all counts. watched superhost just now. i can only say humans are hypocrites. fake people using feelings to deceive others. damn it. i don't want to see my advisor tommorow or anymore. i just don't realy like her.
school sucks.

been very tired these few days due to schoolwork. i think i'm being condemn by my advisor just because i don't bother to distort a smile on my face. so much about first impression...
being consistant doesn't help at all, it's the exams that all counts. watched superhost just now. i can only say humans are hypocrites. fake people using feelings to deceive others. damn it. i don't want to see my advisor tommorow or anymore. i just don't realy like her.
school sucks.

i was starstrucked today.
i saw 'baluku' on the bus on my way to school.
i saw daphne khoo during lunch. she sat at the next table beside me, just less than 2 metres away. she's quite slim, the tv is supposed to beautify a person, but not for her case. i almost wanted to take the bottle of water chestnut that she drank, but thought it was weird and stupid.
i thought i saw blinkymummy again, but it wasn't her.
i saw an old actress at carrefour just now. she's so tall.
i saw another caucasian. he's so tall that his head is just sweeping the top of the bus. he's gigantic. i want to be his friend!

i thought i saw blinkymummy on the 960 bus on saturday night. but it wasn't her.

Just decided to read through Electrical Systems tutorial questions and call it a day for my schoolwork. Was surfing friendster, i feel happy for my friends who are happy and have moved on in life. Yet i am struggling with my own life. Holding on to this small little faith has this excruciating pain of wondering when it will come true again. I dislike this semester timetable which does not allow us to have regular sleeping time. I slept for 8 hours yesterday, and i'm left with 3hours of sleep now. There's 4 different tutorial tomorrow, also the most tired day of all. I have finished 3 other tutorials, leaving ELS half done.

Reading blogs have become an essential part of my life. It cheers me up or sets me thinking. I think that i've read through lots of emotional stuff, and put myself in that person point of view. I like being a passerby in blogs, and just tag something encouraging or cheering them up. I'm an introvert,sensor,feeler,judger. So means being a psychologist is difficult.

Talked to my Econs tutor for awhile after i stayed back to ask him some question. Being in poly gives me no chance of studying psychology in NUS, unless i go overseas. I'm in this emotional phrase of life, so maybe it's just curiousity and not passion. I'm easily faltered.

Still have tons of homework for every single module to do, but then i haven't touched it at all. Really starting to lose the motivation of going to school. I've wondered why some people are in the school team, and when they go to another institution, they don't want to continue in that sports. Passion or learning more things is better? Which will lead to success and happiness?

Just a random entry, just to let the 1 or 2 people who reads my blog that i'm still alive.

the past few days was meaningful. got to learn something from church again. saw malcolm baptised, being push down the water and 'resurrect' again. went on city harvest, and there was overseas pastors preaching. both of them are very interesting, esp the guy who sung the song. he's so cool. that was also the first time i offered tithe. played soccer yesterday, and this time i didn't lose my temper, but i know kevin is disappointed with us, because we didn't improve anymore and the whole team is relying on him all the time esp the centre midfield.

i'm still trying my best not to dislike school and being friendly. i don't understand why can't we have the november/december holidays. i still have an hour to slp before going to school. couldn't slp on sat night and just now, i could feel the 'sensation' i felt when i slp very late during upper sec days. and when i was lying down on the bed till 2+, i could feel the 'pain' literally being taken away. is it just my mind or it's god?

wed.
celebrated chin wei's birthday, it wasn't that successful and i got everyone moody at one point for the first time organising a bday surprise. talked during dinner at pastamania about relationship when shi jun took out her horoscope book, and they've concluded i'm a typical piscean.

after watching 'hai you ming tian' just now, i've begin to wonder whether why i liked older girls, is because i'm lack in love and wants someone to take care of me like my mum. but it's not that i'm lack of motherly love like 'ah hong' in the show.

thurs.
pei shan and gang wanted to go for steamboat for a mini 2/6 gathering. but it was raining, watched flightplan and dine at terra at bugis in the end. made jia wang so pissed off that he didn't pick up our call because we cancelled the steamboat last minute when he rushed down to marina bay after sending priscilla off the airport.

i don't mind watching flightplan again! jodie foster is so attractive in the movie. her motherly love.

i don't feel like blogging anymore. but i felt happy on both days except i still can't really be my real self and jiawang was pissed and we didn't bother to sms him to say sorry. and whenever i'm alone, all the negativity just sinks in straight away.

what's the difference between worldliness and reality?

i wanted to press the 'send' button just one minute back, but she was offline already. wait for almost 1hr also no use. haha.

i must be mad. cos i ask wenhsin whether i can get her permission to use the idea to celebrate chin wei's bday. anyway, i've got a feeling tomorrow won't work out and since it's going to be raining, it will be in the mrt station, and i will be super embarassed.

i've just added her in my msn. i'm mad. i even told her my particulars in the email when she replied me asking who am i. i was trying to be fair since i read her whole blog and roughly know how tall she is, her weight, etc. so i was being fair. i think she thinks that i might be a stalker, since she didn't reply my email back.

i want to go swimming with the girls later, but i will oversleep and most probably be embarassed and tired , which will make things worse cos i'm already so moody abt tomorrow.

current desktop background.

Frente!
Bizarre Love Triangle

Every time i think of you
I feel shot right through with a bolt of blue
It's no problem of mine but it's a problem I find
Living a life that I can't leave behind
There's no sense in telling me
The wisdom of a fool won't set you free
But that's the way that it goes
And it's what nobody knows
While every day my confusion grows
Every time I see you fallingI get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for that final moment
You'll say the words that I can't say

I feel fine and I feel good
I'm feeling like I never should
Whenever I get this way, I just don't know what to say
Why can't we be ourselves like we were yesterday
I'm not sure what this could mean
I don't think you're what you seem
I do admit to myself
That if I hurt someone else
Then I'll never see just what we're meant to be
Every time I see you fallingI get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for that final moment
You'll say the words that I can't say

i'm still scared , didn't go for service and cell grp ended when i reach there. i agreed to go next week for cell and service because malcolm is going to baptise next week.

this one comment made my day even though i'm sad/stone for the whole day. never expected this person to leave a comment.