went to polyclinic to take somemore cream to apply for my fungal infection and went to the library to borrow books on mon. borrowed two books, one titled 'addicted to unhappines' , another a non-fiction murder mystery book. left the self improvement to rot , there's too much words and i'm so not interested after i din really know what it's talking abt. just bits and pieces over there.

played soccer on wed with ivan kor kor, and i called the person, i'm not working anymore.

read blinkmummy's blog. haha. she's so intellectual or i should say read entries that makes me go saying "blinkymummy!" to myself and start smiling/laughing. ah, she's attached liao. haha. if she was my sister... or gf. or even my mummy! btw, i'm not psycho.

i smelt blood when i washed my face one week back, and now it's scarred.

i see and smell blood when i brush my teeth since few days back, and my teeth is so yellow despite brushing my teeth everyday. i feel like rinsing my mouth with listerine twice a day to spare me the agony of brushing my teeth when i enter the batheroom. i used listerine to cure ulcers recently [because lazy to apply cream], but will it weaken my gums?

i ate home cook food for the first time this year consecutively since three days back, and i realised that i'm taller than my dad! but he might be shrink, since he's getting old. so i might not even grow at all.

my dad is finally back. the first thing i realised was his stomach [will see why is it so in the later part of entry], it was buldging out like nobody's business. he brought back so many clothes [for himself, since it was given by my uncle] . i know the nike shirts are authenic, but for nautica and lee pants i'm not too sure. the mp3 players in china are not cheap.

this was what my dad told us...

my uncle could afford a condominium in guangzhou, travelled around in a cab all the time, brought my dad to restaurent everyday for meals. the monthly amount for living in the condominium is sgd 3000.

the haircut there was sgd 2 (but my dad's hair doesn't look that good). the real lee jeans was sgd 180, but he bought it in the warehouse for sgd 12.50 . [ i wonder why the lee jeans over there is so expensive... i rather buy two levi's in singapore.]

oh yes, he bought a imitation tag heuger watch when his current one isn't faulty yet. also bought another imitation mount blanc 'look like purse cum sling bag' kind of girly bag for sgd 30+, the real one made of full leather was sgd 100+.

anyway, glad that he is happy after this trip.

=)

didn't go to church, felt a little out of place during service that day when they eat the biscuits and drink.

i spoilt the refrigerator. it was those 30yrs back type, whereby it doesn't defroze and u have to clear the ice every week. i was happily 'carpenting' into the ice and it went into the metal system on the top leaving a 'slit' shaped hole and all the refrigerant escaped. it was very smelly, like the smell of those new shoes we buy and lingered around my finger for few hours.

how am i going to pay for a new fridge? even if i worked for two weeks, it'll be only $400+, and there goes my first pay, so memorable. the worse was my mum just bought lots of frozen food back today, and now it's all in a styreoform box. probably all the 5kg ice i bought have melt by now. haha, so maybe we will get a bigger fridge like the one 6mth back, hope the court pple won't come and seal the items at home again.

feeling that i've done something wrong, i went to start the car engine for 5-10mins, and i stayed in the car for abt an hour [an excuse to escape from home]. looked at the moon, listening to 98.0 or 98.7. everything was same as the other day, except i realised it was only today that i made full use of the dark transparent compartment of the car to look at the sky, after having this car for 3-4yrs. most probably it will be sold off soon, and i will miss the car.
thought of how wonderful it was to go to the beach every week/month to look at the sky with someone close whom i can talk to easily.

thought of how it will feel like to slp in the car without switching on the air-con, thinking if i've tried it, will my mum call me and if i didn't pick up the call, will she come down to the car and save me.i've almost tried it, i was getting rather slpy and my brother just had to call me.

also thought of how people committed suicide breathing cardon monoxide in the car [i still can't figure out till now]. haha, i like one of the techno song playing just now, it just make me grooze to the music and the car was shaking as if something meant not to be seen was going on. makes me want to go clubbing.

yeah, my dad is coming back tomorrow night. finally! and he has got me a lee jeans, which cost only S$12 over there. he seemed so concern abt the family when he's there. i really hope this trip will change him, and he's on his way to become a successful man!

just came back from raffles place. we took 4hrs+ to decide where to go after joseph quarelled with his parents at 11+am. went marina to bowl, then the marina's food junction there eat, raffles place's food junction and had free barley[because yi wei work there part time] and herbal chicken, then drinks at the burger king downstairs.. yi wei has grow up quite alot. the experience he learnt from working at ntuc and food junction. his ngee ann sci course camp, badminton camp, lecturemates, classmates, etc. he told me so much.

it's good to see him really enjoying yet studying. he has open up alot. haha. =) but i knew joseph was bored all the while, he din talk [he became me, who can shut up thru out whole day without uttering less than 10 sentences] . i tried to ask him what happened and he didn't tell me. most of the what yi wei said, he knew almost everything. i've learnt alot from yi wei, yet i didn't manage to make joseph happy.

took the bus back, and there's a girl who sat beside me directly under the air-con. she was so polite, said sorry when she wanted to take a seat. i feel uneasy. she wore a white flowery design skirt and white slippers, carries a white cloth bag. i took a peek at her from the corner of my eyes and she saw wore a black jacket.

coincidentally, when she hang up on the phone, my sister called me. she's so sweet on the phone, so polite and everything. she tried to slp, and curled up, it was obvious she was cold. i wonder whether was i being a gentleman. i wonder if i asked her if she wanted to change place, then i can see her face properly. i knew it was lust.

i was scared to do so, and i had to go to the toilet urgenly, i can't sit under the air-con, it will be worse. so in the end i didn't. i thought she might be older than me, because seldom will female teen willingly to see with a boy she didn't know. if she did, it shows that she don't mind, and most probably she's mature. if at that time, she was my gf. i would gladly exchange place with her. but i guess she has a bf already. i was thinking of the pros and cons of why i had to sit at my place or exchange seats with her, what position shld i sit, what should i be doing, where my eyes will be looking. then it was reaching my stop, i wanted to say sorry to her when i alight the bus, but i didn't. i tried to look in from outside the box, and i think she look quite ok. although i've forgotten how she look like.

i'm mad.

the company still hasn't contact me yet.

and girls are getting taller and taller, my face is so scarred already, pls pls pls let me grow till 173cm.

surfing the websites of overseas universities makes me go mad. hahahahaha. there's so many thing to be learnt and some many things to see and feel and touch in this world. just too many things that i can do and read up on the books to keep me occupied than to get upset and think about what's over in the past.

finding peace with myself shall not be an obstacle anymore.

=)

i envy and feel happy for my outram friends, that they're enjoying their life now. not literally not studying, but the times spent together happily with friends.

too haunted by the past.

my biological clock is still upside down. and the company hasn't email me the information about the date, attire, venue of my job. i don't know why i agreed to meet up with the flagfootball boys when i'm not interested in it anymore.

i'm reading blogs of people of my age studying overseas and realised my dad has went to guangzhou since yesterday morning. and i forgot to say i love him.
now i dun even know whether i miss him or not. but he sure does miss us. he called more than 5 times since he arrived over there. i shouldn't have been so hostile to him. he even asked me what i want to get from china.

maybe i should go overseas to study, then i will really learn how to treasure the people around me. the feeling of not being able to grow up fast and being stuck in between this society makes me not to know what i'm doing.

it is weird not to hear my dad's snore.
i hate myself sometimes.

the first good few songs [25minutues and sleeping child] i've listen when i was 7-8yrs old and memorised part of it are from this band.

Michael Learns To Rock

You Took My Heart Away
(Music and words: Jascha Richter)

Staring at the moon so blue
Turning all my thoughts to you I was without hopes or dreams
I tried to dull an inner scream but you
saw me through
Walking on a path of air
See your faces everywhere
As you melt this heart of stone you take my hand to guide me home and now
I'm in love

Chorus: You took my heart away
when my whole world was gray
You gave me everything and a little bit more
And when it's cold at night and you sleep by my side
you become the meaning of my life

Living in a world so cold
you are there to warm my soul
You came to mend a broken heart
You gave my life a brand new start and now
I'm in love

Chorus: You took...

Holding your hand
I won't fear tomorrow
Here were we stand
we'll never be alone

went faith community baptist church yesterday. was more comfortable because the cell group is all boys and there's malcolm. there's so many teachers there. from nj and nus high school. i like the solemn environment, but not the way how the pastor gave the sermon. maybe i should learn how to like lively environment, then city harvest will be good for me. anyway, it has make me happy scared but happy till now. but it's like hidden agenda to go church. bad, and sinful? and my heart is still unwilling to commit to him?

went to see my grandma yesterday, she was looks alright. hope she can walk as soon as possible, then she'll be able to go out whereever she wants.)

hope it's a good day for everyone today.

played soccer just now again.

before that i helped an old uncle crossed the overhead bridge from my bus stop to the 4th storey of the opposite block which is his house. he raised his voice at me when he asked me for help when i was walking to the bus stop and whenever i didn't have enough strength to support him when he hold my wrist, i didn't quite like it because i'm trying my best. i mean yes, if he's angry or anything because his left leg is bent and he still has to collect cans or his child is unfilial, but how much he can expect from me when one of my hand is carrying his three bag of cans, and the other carrying my hp, shoebag and wallet. i'm carrying a bag also.

he was telling me how good that person was, gave him money to take taxi back home before he asked me for help.

the after effect : thought of being a volunteer, to pity him or me, perspired so much for the first time by just walking a overhead bridge, wasted 38mins , donated $2, my left hand ache so much that i can even hardly lift up or bent it backwards. i'm still angry, thinking of him scolding me as if i owe him a living, and everybody stared at me at the bus stop and on the overhead bridge as if i was his grandson. or i'm acting to be a kind soul.


i realised there's people worse off than me. i seriously hope that it will be better for them. i want to help them, but i still can't help myself. however, all of them are girls. now, i respect jc students even more.

i like talking to my mum nowadays. she's such a funny and interesting person but still doesn't like technology.

love you.

my maternal grandma just had a operation. i hope she will recover as soon as possible. thank god for the successful operation.

it's still so difficult to let people know the real me.

i've passed all the modules. there's isn't any A. all B except bcn and cats , i got a C. wahahahaha. i'm so happy. cos i din study much and didn't really expect to pass. it's good not to compare. i hope no one ask me or tell me their results cos i know theirs are bound to be better than me.

had a talk with malcolm yesterday. should i go touch or chc. touch is nearer and more convenient, opposite my grandma's house. somemore the cell grp consists of all boys. i want to go touch community, but how am i going to tell yingying that i won't be going chc anymore.

=)

oh my.... all the best to those having exams!

i've begin to regret taking up the job which is starting next week till the end of my holidays. no more mixing around with my sec sch friends. somemore next week, it will be free for everybody in school, except those taking a's and o's. everybody will be going out, be together, etc. while i'll be stuck at work.

went to a poly clinic the first time. the doctor was so fierce. her appearance reminds me of the small pri6 girl who buys things from my mum. i shall be as fussy and clean as how i was in pri sch. 1more month to stop doing vigorous sports.

it was the first time i bought something from pacific plaza today. a black reef slippers. i hope it last. usually people will buy those with design to show it's from which company, but weird me only bought the one with no design except a small logo less than 1cm at the bottom of the slippers. and i like it. in fact, i like to buy branded stuff that people can't notice the brand, unless they scrutinise the whole thing. i'm wondering why i like to spend money like that.

met up with lee yeung, paul wai, joseph and yi wei to catch 'the myth' in ps gv. talked for a while, played pool and arcade. felt so much more relaxed and happier with them. =)

hope all the j1/pri sch/sec1-3 students will not be stressed out by the exams. all the best to them, esp my sis, brother, shu zhen, shiling, wei ru, york san, joy.

meet yingying for the 1st time after knowing her online since 4yrs ago.

went city harvest church for the 1st time. the building is nice. learnt something from the service today.

talked to rosanne, chee heng online. i didn't know what i suddenly had the courage to say i still have crush on her on and off. told chee heng something about our friendship, wishing it to be like how it was when we're p6. something so random that i think he didn't know what to reply. but i was too selfish anyway. just hope that he's really happy with his new friends.

reading a jc student's blog. and just did the quiz from the link of her blog.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who have a split personality - cold as ice on the outside but hot as fire in the heart. In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored. You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change. You would be forced to break up with someone who was arrogant, acting like the dictator of your life. Your ideal relationship is comforting. You crave a relationship where you always feel warmth and love. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage. In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

i've got the admin job at tuas warehouse , most likely will start work in mid october and will last for two weeks. 8.30-5.30pm. wow, the time spent there will be worse than when we're preparing for the o levels. hope i can survive, i know nothing about admin. i still prefer giving brochures house to house, can earn more and exercise. most probably, i will join nti and learn things from them; the mlm system, how to speak with more confident and make more friends. but i will try not to pull people in... maybe, by then, when i join, my mentality will totally change? can i go chijmes church to pray?

had a two hours long talk with my mum about life and cheating since 12+ to 2+am yesterday night. i said the whole world was cheating but it's not considered cheating cos majority of the world is doing that. it's human nature to 'cheat' or be 'greedy', including me.

for example, if there isn't any water. then someone found a way to recyle water, selling at $1 per bottle. at the same time, the government brought water back to the country, selling at $0.30. who would u buy from? most people, in fact all will buy from the government. but then no one will buy from the person who 'invented' new water, so it's like 'cheating' on him. because we're not helping him, and credits should go to him since he found a way to help human survive. there are still many reasons to that questions. and my mum kept giving so many other examples.

i realised i've always contradict myself and i was quite convinced that there's not 'cheating' in business world, excluding rob, steal, etc. since everybody has the same nature, but it's because of greed. i'm not as generous as mother teresa, like how much she had contributed to the world. hmm, but if i can't even help myself, how can i help others? if i can't love myself, how can i love others? that's what people always say. so we must fight for what we want, and when we become rich, then we're able to help others?

everything has a good and bad reason, even from taking drugs to drinking plain water.

never went sentosa yesterday, was raining. so rot around harbourfront centre and went cineleisure. watched 'the red shoes'. didn't know what's all about and made me screamed once. i was getting very stressed watching that show wondering when the scary part will appear and hungry and a little something wrong with my head. dropped my phone the first time in the cinema theatre. almost lost it, lucky the staff answer chin wei's phone call.

told kim wei about network marketing, and like most of the people, he told me to think again. and i didn't know how to go on talking, after that , we didn't talk through the whole day anymore even though we took the same bus back home. anyway, hope his toes is alright cos he fell down from the escalator.

came back and i ask my brother when he used the com in a not-so-nice manner, and he screwed me. i used the 'f' one the first time on him. shut down the com. and had a good night slp.

i seem to keep on using the 'f' word nowadays even though i'm not angry. something is wrong.

feel like sleeping again. hope next week will be a better one, cos i supposed all poly students are having their holidays.

i just love the night. it's so quiet and peaceful. =)

i just read sandra ng's lastest entry. though i don't really understand it. but i know it's sort of 'xin shi'. she's learning and growing up at the same time through all these experiences. everyone does. but i just dunno why i like such posts. and i'm not a saddist. anyway, my parents are back. it's 3.24am now. that's why i hope that don't break down any sooner. working so hard.

anyway, i want to say. i love my mum and dad. hope god will bless them, not to forget my siblings. time to go eat my supper which is rice. wahahah. the cruches i do just now will be gone to waste. then slp. i dun want to die on the beach. lol. all the best to those who is mugging for exams, a's , promos, o's, eoy. cheers. =)

i wondered whether it's a dream or not. it looks like a dream, yet when towards the end of the story, i knew what was going on around me, the chirps of the birds, the raindrops, i scratched myself, etc. this is how the story goes:

it was out of the sudden, jie wei and i was in the swimming pool, and we wanted to rescue the people in there because something bad is going to happen [like a big wave is going to kill them all]. so we wanted to enter the office building[well established] that operates the swimming pool. we swam thru the swimming pool into the office building, crept in secretly without letting the camara tracking us down. entered a few lift, emergency exits, had some narrow escape when disguising as one of the staff in the building.

when we reached the top story, there were so many camaras that we have to walk sticking towards the wall. we were tired and took a seat at the other end of the building. in front of it, it's a office with transparent glass[looks like police station/security station of the building].

~by this time i was awake as i was scratching myself and i knew what was happening around me at home, the birds chirps, raindrops, cars motor,etc~

the three of us, jie wei, me and alex (i dunno how he appear) were seating around when a guy from the office came out. it was jie yong, he was in casual wear. *but i think he's a CID* he talked to us for awhile and we sense something was wrong. since jie yong is jie wei's brother, he let us go. there was only another guy in the office behind the seats, so it was ok.

[shall stop my story over here. ROSANNE talking to me now on msn! =D]

we walked by the side, sticking onto the wall and just went off to the carpark for awhile to hide. and i saw alex started to play and look around at the cars. i sort of got crazy, and said "let's steal a car and play with it."

it was too scary to carrying on dreaming. i woke up.

am i from bad to worse?

alixues also just smsed me. i wonder if they ask me not to be too harsh on myself. then why keep pressing me. ah. i dunno. they say everything we do that is to learn. to be more confident in talking and mentality, how to stand up when u fall down again, etc. and everything is based on recruitment, not products. how? i'm so stressed now. though i'm a newbie, but whatever they explained looks logical and everything. how the director of the company gets his income, etc. from his other companies and products sold [which we needn't do anything abt it]. will someone please give me an answer?