to join or not to join? it will be difficult to convince people to join, unless they see the results. which might be few months from now if i join. talked to my mum on the phone just now. i got a feeling that she's crying or sobbing in her heart. her voice is so unlike her. everything is last minute. my dad;i've got nothing to say. it's lucky my mum is strong.

i'm worried if i join, then i give up halfway, then the few hundred dollar will be wasted. the results will only been seen in few months time, or even a year. i'll also be very busy. flag football[that's if i join, not feeling like joining already but i initiated to open that as cca], befc soccer, sch work, soccer with carlvin/ivan kor kor, socialising/going out with friends. so many many thing. i wonder why everything just come crushing on me , and when it doesn't, i'm real bored as if i'm wasting my life. i'm not good at juggling my life. and now i'm just got closer to my classmate, i don't want to lose them.

the people there are also so mature, the way they dress and talk. i don't want to grow up so soon. though i saw another guy in causal wear just now. but he's in long pants. i just don't like to wear formal. even if i wear jeans and polo tee [my most formal clothes i have], it seems out of place there.

the only motivation is money, and i hope my mum will not be so stressed out anymore, and my dad to be more sane. and it's like your own free time job. but then if i'm not hardworking, then how will people look at me. i'm worried they will not be too happy with me. cos i'll affect their income.

going down to help my parent tmr. hope my mum doesn't break down any sooner. i want to join nti, yet i scared i cannot make it and waste even more money. what if i lose all my friends? so so many things on my mind now....

out of sheer concern, i asked my brother what happened when he come home. he just was so agitated. moving his hands here and there. so ya. damn it. it sort of makes me angry.
going to bathe and meet alixues. i wonder how to reject them , if it involves products. i want to go sentosa real soon with my poly classmates. but then the fungal infection. can't do anything at all. no shopping, no sports. rot at home.

i'm saddened and a little pissed and bored and everything. i hate holidays. since upper sec. always alone.

ok, i've cooled down. and he's coming out. shall go eat something and bathe.

half pose half candid.


red face.


another red face.


uhuh.. who's smoking?


setan kim wei? or satan? =x


super me!


beggars. =x


flying on titanic. opps, i mean escalator.


tired beggars who didn't got a single cent.



our photo taking session on thursday bumming arnd orchard after movie.

i've begin to like taking photos.

i think i saw ruoci. wearing a white chung cheng high (main) volleyball tshirt, carrying a quiksilver[ if i'm not wrong] slingbag she boarded the 196 at the bus stop opposite bukit merah central at 6.28pm just now. wahahaha.

i was so excited and looking forward to join NTI. until i told my ivan kor kor about it. he told me it's not that simple. we must sell products or something like that. but i told him we're concentrating on recruitments only.
my enthusiasm dropped to 0 immediately. ah. i'm not too sure yet also. later i don't even get a single sales how? then how my colleagues will look at me? how to reject their approach on tuesday if they ask me to join immediately. how how how? i sure get so lost and confused again that i dare not ask questions.
ah, at least i know something about network marketing now. hmm, reading the aladdin factor doesn't really help much, only to remind me of 'asking is good, but be afraid to ask.'

what am i supposed to do tomorrow ah? rot at home again? i've wasted 1/2 of this year doing that.
HATE the fungal infection. i'm fine if i look like a freak, since my acne scars will be there for a few years at least. by that time, i enter the army. and my whole face will be rotten. *touchwood* BUT i hate it when i can't do sports espcially soccer. damn it.

hope someone call me out tomorrow doing something i never do before and it's meaningful but i want to get back home by 6.45pm. i want watch shui ling long. she's so cute. not to mention, the pretty mother, ivy lee. wahahaha.

it's the holidays.

after exam on thurs, the boys went seoul garden. i didn't eat much as expected, cos i just not used to eating so much of the same thing at one shot, will make me go to the toilet. but at the same time still hungry and feeling like vomit. wasted lots of money. weird digestive system i have. we went to watch 'the cave' after that. i admire jack who sacrifices his own life to save his fellow friends. i find it quite a nice show.

went to meet alixues yesterday night and got to know more about the job. but it involves money. and then u really must have the determination to do it, then u will be successful. i'm in a dilemma. i just don't really want to work everyday. then what impression i will give my other colleagues if i join them. but it's a kind of investment whereby i 'pump' in money first. and the result will be seen after some time.
is it time for me to grow up? i don't want to work. but what they told me yesterday makes sense. but if i i take a very long time to succeed, by the time, everything will come to naught. i just want a simple life for now.


another boring day. sigh.

i seriously think i going to fail bcn though i spend about 5 hours studying, no is read through the whole book and go to mel read thru some powerpoint slides, tutorial qns and exam paper. i want to sleep but i can't sleep now. dont really feel like sleep but i scared i can't wake up or become too tired later. i'm physcially awake but mentally exhausted. oh, contradicting. shall go try slping.


i've studied more than what i did for mes.

wake me up when tmr ends.

i'm so happy that rosanne talked to me on msn. but the excitement just died when i dunno how to continue the conversation. my 'not yet revise 1/10 chapters' for my exams tmr and the channel 8 show... now i'm stuck and keep staring at her window... hoping she will type something again.

put a title jusdt to see what fonts and color will appear.

i was just surfing friendster. and i saw john liu's profile. he has a gf now, in the same sch. most probably classmates. then i was thinking back how much he liked stacy in pri sch for 3 years. i think he's still faithful as in the past. i hope so.
then i was wondering....
what is life so funny and contradicting?

anyway, i thought i could get an B or A for the paper today. to my disappointment, i realised i didn't answer what the qns wants when my classmates discuss about the answers. but i know i will pass the paper. argh, they should have give me some hints. then i can explain everything to them. i lose more than 20marks on diagram cos i dunno how to draw. i hate drawings! yucks. i hope he will give me some marks cos i wrote down and explain all the components, i just dunno how to draw only.
anyhow, i shld thank god. cos everything was really so last min.
time to slp.

i keep typing redundant post. i left with one chapter but it's all understanding and not memorising. haha. i'm so proud that i came up with the blog's title all by myself. and she just went offline. i need to close my eyes and take a rest after i finish the last chapter.
it's so fun blogging. like talking to someone.
but seriously, i'm not mad. maybe just some pre exam excitment that makes me do what i'm doing now. wahahaha.

i want to thank myself for listening during lectures. and god for giving me this nature of if i slp in lecture, it's a kind of disrespect to the teachers/lecturers. i realised i've quite a few common characteristics as umay. but i've no originality.

I'M SO SCARED NOW! TILL I CAN'T STUDY! THIS SHALL BE THE FIRST AND LAST TIME I DO LAST MINUTE REVEISION. SOMEMORE LEFT WITH 3/4 OF THE BOOK. I WONDER HOW TO SURVIVE FOR BCN WHICH NEEDS EVEN MORE REVISION TIME. I DON'T WANT TO GO THROUGH THIS SCARY FEELING ON THURSDAY MORNING AGAIN.

god save me.

i didn't know allan wu graduated with a degree in biology at University of California, Berkeley till i randomly read the sunday's straits time. One of the top univerisities in the world! OMG! and he's so muscular! Though he's abit haolian, but he's both brawn and brains. WWWOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOO!

i'm so dead. it's like i did read thru another chapter only. i can understand what's about. but i just can't bother memorising all thing things. if only there's some clues for tmr's exam.

yanzi always never fail to cheer me up with her actions and her songs! i just wish she was my sister. i'll be the world's happiest boy!

i want to attract alot of people to read my blog nowadays. i dunno why. attention!

i'm still not scared. this is weird.

i was sad when i can't maintain a conversation with rosanne since like about a year ago. i still can remember the last time i talked to her, i pissed her off. i think i did the same thing again, as in she doesn't want to talk to me.
i'm such a boring person who can't start or end a conversation with a girl properly. i sms her just now but she didn't reply. i'm sure she didn't change her hp number. i think she's still online now though she's offline in my contact.
i just felt awkward just now. there's nothing much to talk since we're in different school all along, and i dunno much abt her already, except what she typed in the blog. it was elva that we have a common topic to talk about, but now i don't bother to find out abt her, so there's really nth to talk anymore. hope she will be truly happy like who she was when i knew her in irc.

though i felt she's not as pretty as the last time i saw her pic[alright, i don't have the right to comment cos i'm ugly]. i don't really mind. i still read her blog every now and then. the feeling is different from the rest of the other girls' blog i read. it's like i will be more 'worried' abt her and there's like no lust. unlike from the rest, cos i find them attractive or smart or in s'pore netball team or anythng like that. but i always do that for my online buddies, who's all girls. and she's one of them. also the one that i have crush on and off for the past 3 yrs.

i have to admit i've attracted to joey man/meng [the female actress who act as 'ma xiao ling' in 'my date with vampire' series] . she's very attractive though there's a birthmark above her left lips. and i realised she has very nice legs in the show.

kelly chen is another celebrity i find attractive though they have birthmark that is so visible on the face. maybe it's the confidence they have that's attractive. or it's me who doesn't know how to define what's pretty. i never use pretty to describe a girl before for quite a long time. and i dunno why i lost my sense of how to define 'pretty'. it's the influence of the media, though i have some different preferences.

i think in the end its ultimately me. i only care for myself. cos it seems like i'm not really into bothering much about pple anymore. i just want to enter other people's life[esp girls] so i can gain from them. to feel that friendship bonding, that joy, fun and laughter. of cos i would want boys, so i can play soccer with them and learn volleyball from them. i'm waiting for someone to teach me how to play tennis volunterily with paying them. lol. preferbably, a female. oh yes, i admire tony leung. he's so charming though i find him average looking. he acts so well!

i've studied 2 out of 10 MES chapters. and it's not done at home, but at my grandma's house.

joseph rejected me to study with him in sch library tmr. =(

all the best to those who's taking their prelims and exams tomorrow.

i was furious when i learnt my dad wore the wrong undergarment. and it was one of the only two i feel comfortable wearing it. he has been doing that since so long time ago, maybe even 2 yrs back. i just wonder why. don't know how how to recognise just a simple piece of clothing.
and now i'm getting more and more immuned to it. that i can share any piece of clothing that is being wore by others but washed.

i think i will be working this hols. so to get the things i want. x japan cd, yanzi's new album, a sling bag, somemore new clothes esp boardshorts, and maybe a shoes. and the rest to keep so to pay my sch fees or to 'feed' myself. ya, i still have mentality of those people who just come out to work. unlike those who have been working for quite some time, who thinks working is to feed themselves, no need to reply on parents. i'm a child and i want to be a child forever.

i feel nothing to exams, this is worse than o levels. i feel like i'm ready to retain another 1/2 yr though my relatives and parents will nag/scold/ get disappointed at me. though i know by tuesday morning, i will start studying for mes. i hope i will pass the exam. there's bcn too.

i've wasted 5 days again.

celebrated angela's bday by going kbox yesterday. it was the first time i went bbox and also the first time i try to keep people occupied so that they others can get ready the things to surprise her. i feel quite achieved until they walked the wrong walk. and angela saw them. but i guess she pretended to be surprised, so not to waste the effort of the 3 other girls. shijun was in the dark. she didn't knew anything about it. i think i was a spiler somehow in kbox, though i felt happy for them cos off of them enjoying, maybe except for jiayi who felt the same way as i do. cos it will be awkward for us to sing english songs.

though i read the blog of vanessa tan everyday since this tues, and made me feel i was fortunate than her for a moment. i felt like running away from home yesterday. i hate to be at home. but i hate to be alone outside or to be with those people i'm not comfortable with. my brother and sister is always at home during the hols, and i think they're going to feel the same way as me too sooner or later.

i miss 4/9...

















and a little bit of 2/6. though i've forgotten much about 2/6, i was friendly and getting along with everyone.

i'm excited about project superstar, just after watching the competition on thurday.
i want to see kelly, candyce, chanel, ai ling, wei lian and wei jian in person.
more poly students are becoming singers. too bad i can't sing.
i shouldn't have stereotype poly students. more and more people doesn't want to go jc anymore. majority of the poly students are equally good. maybe they're just lazy during o levels?
but jc students are also not totally nerd. they know social skills too.
i'm neither gd in studies nor have gd social/communication skills.
where am i?
now i'm quite sure that beleving in yourself and ur attitude is so important. but how're being taught affects u.
and i wonder whether i'm being too greedy or gives up too easily that caused me to become what i'm now. my only hope, which is soccer was diminished as i grow up. i wanted to be a professional soccer player. but why do people mature so fast? freddy adu is only 16 or 17 only. cristiano ronaldo is also so young.
ah. i shouldn't compare.
i'm thinking too much and babbling nonsense.

i will pass my bmf test, but it will not of a good grade.

i didn't went to meet up with them again, the bcn project had some problem. everyone was pissed off over the project. when i called weiru, jason had to leave plaza sing. i'm glad that at least i talked to him over wei ru's phone, but it felt weird. i didn't know how to start talking to him.

it's already in me to try to help people without any motive since young. i used to donate alot of money thinking it will help people when i was a little boy. now i know why my parents always tell me not to donate $10 one shot. but as i grow up, i try not to offend anyone. maybe i'm the person who wants to stay out of trouble since i can't handle the problems in the "adult world". i will try to be neutral. i don't do that because i want to be popular among friends. but i want to be known for my sports, as in for my soccer or something like that.

i sound like i'm trying to argue to defend myself. sorry.

i feel that i'm slowly changing to become like my dad now, or to a procastinating hypocrite.

i'm excited to meet my secondary school friends later in the evening. but i doubt i will talk much, become a scardy cat again. ah. i can't really study right now, not really absorbing the info/facts and my head feels weird. last min study. feels like the last day of my o levels, chemistry paper. woke up in the morning to study till the early afternoon. chem rox though i got a c6, i wonder why.

i haven't started revision yet, i hope i will pass bmf test tmr... anyway, project superstar is a nice show. it's quite touching. i teared abit when kelvin won. and i hope to see kelly, candyce and xin huay in person. i was angry/sad intially, esp abt my fungal infection. but luckily not now. if not i can't get to study later. ah, i shouldn't have mention it. now it comes back again.




that's me. a candid shot taken by evon when i just came back playing with the water. i was wet. so had to pull up the shorts abit. actually, i feel this picture is not bad. wahahaha.

quarrels at home again right now.

i still think my poly classmates doesn't really like me somehow esp one girl.

i finally finished my autocad sample test 2 paper just now.

sometimes i dunno whether to thank god. this will make me stronger, but then won't i be more heartless? though this society is heartless.

finally, everybody is eating. no more quarrels.

i think i know why i didn't quarrel with my parents, becos i'm too dependent on my dad to drive me around. therefore i keep my mouth shut though i still tell my dad his fault in the car. i think he doesn't seek what i say though. my sis says i always act in front of him. i'm not. but now i'm wondering whether am i?