i didn't dare to express myself just now in front of chee keng. i kinda feel stuck and then blamed it on the drinking yesterday. loser. i felt happy when he said he wanted to give me his clothing if i like them. who wouldn't be happy? levis, armani exchange, etc. i wouldn't bear to buy all these my own. i dont care if it was worn before... i wish you can see how my heart is feeling and acting inside. thank you chee keng!

i feel that sometimes he is an elder brother to me even though we didnt even hang out once before other than soccer.

okay. good night. i'm tired. soccer again tomorrow with felicia. i guess i might get something for her before she leaves because i'm not sure if i will ever see her again. same goes for caiyu(as an advance birthday present too).

ps: i saw how zi bin has recovered so well and become so fit now, his abs are super amazing. its good to play soccer with him again. it's been more than a year since we played together.

whenever i see jiayi(or poly classmates) is like going overseas, or at least seems to be. i have a tinge of jealousy. and suddenly, i just feel that no one really cares about me. i am all left to be alone. but it is not true. i need to understand why did i feel that. and xiao de is right, i'm always neutral so i am not close to any group. that is the danger. but being in a group is also dangerous, but the dynamics are much bigger and this will pull you towards a certain direction. what i do affect others, and what i not do still affect them. it isnt always just about me in this world. i still do not understand the meaning of 'i am others and others are me'. i guess no matter what i do or not do affect others, so i might as well do something that can help forward me as long there is mutual consent.

being overconcern is not good, because i am impatient and i do not like to communicate. everyone seems to want it to be their way, thinking that it is the best solution for everyone. but is that true? i dont know. perhaps, it is ego. perhaps it's real genuine concern. i am guilty of that.

i always think and hope that i will die in my mid thirties, provided that i can leave a legacy or have a certain achievement like bruce lee or marilyn monroe or athena. i kinda like the idea of death. i hope to survive the moment when i am in the realm outside this world yet you are not yet dead. i haven't really survive any major accident except that i was almost being knocked down by a car once at river valley road and down the hill at outram secondary and i wasn't that conscious as a person at that time.

i am thankful for my secondary school friends because they are so concern about me. i do not think i deserve their friendship. then again, we seem to understand each other yet we do not. we do not talk about our private life. then again, what is it so different from my poly friends then? then again, i'm not in any group so i'm outcast. even if i do join a group, i still feel like an outcast. i do not think our activities are very healthy too compared to poly ones. then again, it's just me. i hope all of you are working towards your dreams/wants because i can feel most of my poly mates are already doing that.

in fact, i think ying jia have already fulfilled one of her 'dreams', but found out for some reason that she cannot continue to hold the job or maybe put it on hold first because there's something more important to be done or maybe that isn't the way she thought it was or maybe that isnt the job she wanted anymore.

i dislike to type what i type sometimes because it doesnt mean anything anymore. it seems like no one cares. even if they do care, i dont think they can help unless they know how to bring out the best in me. i am not pretending. it is of no use i start to realise, but i just cannot let go out it. and i am sure how many people do realise it is kind of a 'waste of time' therefore they rather do something in the real life than to get caught up in this virtual world. when is mine? why do i feel the need to get attention yet i made a unconscious vow when i was 4 or 5 that i need to be independent and that i can be alone. i need to reframe.

happy birthday cliff ang. you got the same birthday as cindy crawford, kurt cobain and rihanna. i think you behave more like athena more because u seem change people's live (by making them laugh) but then you dont talk about your life. it seems you have that perfect life, no one can see through you except that you are 'happy'. are you really happy? have you found joy already? god bless.

PS: i just realised i behave so different from athena. i hope to meet her one day or walk her path but she is already dead.

had dinner with chee heng and zhi hao. it's nice to see how two friends that i care mingle around each other even though our conversations are not deep. just casual. but it's a good start. both of them are so different. i'd hope you will try the escargot, because i hope you would see something different with trying new stuff out. but i'm glad i didn't force you to do something you didn't want to, or not ready to do yet. and i hope you don't feel obliged to treat me something again just because i treat you to dinner or you feel pai seh. i'm not rich or anything but it's something that i want to do for us. because if i ever leave one day, i hope you will be happy for me and know that whatever i do is to compete with myself and break barriers. but i will not forget you. and i hope it always will be.

friends are those who disagree, but still hold hands together - quoted from weini.blogdrive.com


i need to focus. there's so many things i wanna do. need to dig into the core. i'm still all talk or complain and no action yet. call me selfish but i really need to feel/find/be myself and then contribute back to the society. for now, i am glad i still care about people who matters to me.

the singapore women everest team is so cool. they set their minds to do what they want when they are 21,22. and i am 23. ok, reframe. bye.

i am sad that michelle is flying off. not that she will not come back, but then. the feeling sucks not knowing she is in singapore even though i seldom talk to her or anything. i'm cluttered now. then again, as long as i get to see females in the bus. they can take her off my mind. not that i always think of her. it is only like a day like that that it happens. well, nothing can happen. at least, know i need someone as sweet as her, then also someone who is sporty. i am a fussy person though i am not handsome nor tall nor smart nor anything.

i have reframed and want to thank her for being in my life though i had thoughts of what if i didnt know her at all. she is like chasing for what she wants i supposed, her dream, her ideal life, etc. this fuels me. i need to love myself more. thank you michelle/giselle. i'll be happy for you as long you're happy. guess it's friendship love. and then there's also a crush on you. not that we are close or i am close to anyone. perhaps zhi hao is the closest to me right now as i assumed closeness to be doing things together. i will also leave to find my place in this world. hopefully soon. i read nat ho's blog. security and freedom are mutually exclusive.

for to anyone in this world, even if i might not know them or become a couple or friends or whatever, i will be happy for them in general when they get what they want. i believe our hearts are good.
for most people will understand me even though we do not talk.
for when i do it, i will serve as an inspiration.
for i will have to go through my own journey myself and no one else can do it for me, all i can do is lend a helping hand along the way to people:friends,family or strangers whom i do not know when it is within my ability.
for no one is responsible for my life.
for i want to suffer pain and sadness, and experience happpiness, joy and fulfilment.
for if i see her in the airport, i hope i will have the courage to hug her.
for i cannot hide my emotions anymore because it is 'hurting' me.
for i do not want to be bothered by what others think of me (even though i still do)
for i wanna hug many others too (not because i'm horny though sometimes i am but u get my drift)

good night. i need to slp now. i'm tired. i'm slowly letting go of soccer... and i do hope i can sleep.

ps: i cant feel the same raw emotions and feelings as i felt when i was at jiayi's house and on the bus. girls on the bus are good distractions but it only fills the void. temporary but not lasting.

i'm glad i'm going to make it happen. it's halfway through. but i do not want to rest on my laurels because only when you are 90% done, then you can consider it to be halfway through.... this 'context' can be found in paulo coelho's like a flowing river. i hope it will somehow impact her life even if it's like 0.1%. god, please continue to bless me. thank you. i'm not complacent, i'm just excited though it is more for myself than her and i can get her along with me in my small adventures and fulfil her wish even though it might not be completely identical to what she wishes for. there's still many opportunities to fulfil her wish. let me just make this one small step first.

tired and it's so late. i hope i will not be restless tomorrow. i won't be. there's steamboat and soccer. wow. all events clashes together all the time , when there is none, i'm so bored to death and wished i had more friends whom i can hang out with within my pathetic budget. i can't really sleep now. ahhhhhhhhh.......

was randomly surfing and stumbled onto clairecia's and cherie's blog. i did not know why i i have a crush on them and envy them because perhaps they were 'popular and famous' in school. we all have ups and downs. it's just my own assumption of mine on them because i don't really talk to them or know what to talk to, to understand their situation. anyway, i already apologised and tried to clear things up with them but clairecia didn't reply. it's like part of growing up for me for me to cause them distress especially cherie. god bless them.

am i supposed to say this? it feels i'm not sincere enough because i dont talk to them though when i see them or something. i hope they're doing well though i guess we can't really be friends because alot of effort and communication is needed to break that barrier plus there's already a self defense mechanism that will be activated subconsciously. and i might fall back into that cycle again though my values are slightly different now. is it just me or everyone actually feels that?

just like writing this blog. i can't control myself because i need to let it out. but i can control it because i knwo what i read will affect me(and i still decide to bare it out with the consequences in mind).

ah. now i wished i didnt permanently delete away the 2002 and 2003 entries so i can reminisce and look through how much distress i've caused everyone while 'growing up'. some things just stays with us, we can only consciously(control) or subconsciously(thru self defense mechanism) put it away.

ok, i'm talking to myself. and imaginary friend, please comment. thanks. :)

i am pissed. well, i am allowed to feel that. perhaps that will fuel me to be more brave. do more things, gain more experience. and there are some things i know i can do with alacrity. so it's good. i might not be as good as those 'good' people or celebrities or celebrity bloggers or whatever. i will find a way to make it. even with the wrong reason, at least get started. then realise it on the way, or when i get into bankruptcy, i will go into another twist and appreciate things. then again, wait until it happen.

growth after angsty puberty. i am a late bloomer. perhaps people will say why is it inappropriate or why am i already 23 or whatever that i behave like that. if you cant embrace me, then forget it. i have not embrace this world yet, but i am learning how to face disappointments and do better. still damn caught up in my own world, surrender my life and body and soccer. ok, leave this country. meet people with love. embrace them more, kick people out without love or anything and learn how to deal with the society and all.

be ruthless yet gentle, be fearless yet fearful. learn when is the right time. i believe. hopefully. now it's dying down. fuel me. make me angry or piss me off. come on, test my patience. train me up. i will beat you hands down. and i will forgive because its for me, not for you. cos for now, i want it to be for me first, be selfish then you will know what selfish is, be selfless, then u will know what selfless is. i'm both. but i havent experience extremes. i need one, and then bounce back. then i be selfless, then bounce back and find my balance. not yours. i might regret when i am old. but at least i have lived. no?

would you rather lead a monotone life or a life with ups and downs? let me finish...... now let me move on. i will forgive because i know how all of us are different. i hope you will share with me what you have, and i'll share with you. though most of the time, i cannot do that with the family. maybe i need to leave before i can embrace and appreciate them. i'm digressing. i hope we all will share because then we can create a better world then again, ok. fuck. i am fucking stuck. good. i am jealous at times, then again i can be understanding at times. and i hope marilyn monroe can inspire me to create melvin koo. bye. go nude, hug more.

wonder when janet hsieh willl leave singapore and what she is doing now since everywhere is closed. perhaps just practising her violin in the hotel? or maybe not. it doesn't looks it's not her style or tv persona (which i believe she's who she is on the media which makes her so real). she will find something interesting to do.

i guess i will have like 0% probability to be able to see her at the rate i'm being cope at home and just wait for time to go visiting. i supposed there's this inferior complex. i guess she can handle it very well and i wonder how it feels to be her apprentice for a year. maybe i have a different talent and ability.

happy holidays. :)

happy birthday MY.

i can see how my brother took the initiative to ring me up and tell me that my sister is sick and was so worried for her. he's getting more responsible. he loves us, just that he expresses it differently or do not show them for some reason. i would also like to thank him for that if not my mobile phone will be stolen, and i'll curse myself because there's gwen stefani pictures in it. that's why i'm still using it despite the dying symptoms have shown up.

i experienced how someone who is trying to take again my phone just because it slipped out of my pockets trying to be a good friend to me, listening to my conversation with my brother and advices me on how to deal with my sister's fever. as i alighted the bus, one guy who boarded at the same stop with me, mentioned that he saw her taking away my phone when i dropped it. thanks to him, i realised why the lady would do whatever she was doing. like, literally jumping to the seat next to me and asking me how much my blackberry cost after i hung up the call, leaving me so puzzled. how naive i was to tell her so much about myself and felt so stupid afterwards.

as i let my sister hold my hand for support in the lift, i felt that was love. my love for her, it's not like i would let anyone hold me. it's an exception when i am trying to do-what-a-guy-friend-is-supposed-to-do for a female friend, totally different feeling. when i was folding up the jeans of my sister for her to wash her legs while she was putting her hand on my back to balance herself, i wondered if i can do all these for my partner. i'm not ready yet but i know when meet that person, i'll do whatever it takes. so i got to learn from now. starting with my sister. now i know how much effort and energy it takes to take care of someone who fall sick. so i appreciate my mum for doing that all those years.

i guess today is the first time in many years, if not the first that i actually do so much. i feel inferior to my brother but i shouldn't be because we all have different growth at different time.

today was spent getting myself motivated and trying to get something done but it all crashed when i started to stare at facebook and read about genecia luo and then the obsession just went on. it's like what julia mentioned: masturbating in the head. i better start doing something if not all these bubbles will be broken. dreams wont transform into reality if you do not do something about it.

ok, better start to inform people that i will not be contactable on 25-27th feb from 9-7pm before they keep that day free for me. then again, i believe not everyone will. i'm totally fine with that as i realised we cannot wait for others. we have our own life to run for.

there's this quote from dr.seuss: Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

i do not agree on how my mum expressed herself to my sis, but i do know where she is coming from as a mother who is concerned about her daughter who has a 39.4degree fever. i am guilty of that myself like how i sound to my brother when he called me just now. i'm glad he did what he did and wasn't mad at me. i was trying to prove my point before i understand where he was coming from.

time to sleep. my eyes hurts again. i do not want to wear spectacles. someone, get me out so i'll stop staring at the screen the whole day. i'll apperciate you for that. i do hope i do not flare up and accompany my dad if he goes shopping tomorrow since i cannot play soccer or meet ben.

i guess i need to decide quick if i still want to put in time for soccer because it is preventing me from fully exploring other things. i've already started to type the last sentence without 'thinking or feeling', i dont know which but it's going to be a pretense and if i do not stop typing, the cycle will come back. so good night.

i was reading the previous entry i just typed less than 10 mins ago. and i want to say that it's not about the mother but the daughter. because she's so enthusiastic about her writing and music lesson which i supposed is piano. i want to just look at the young girl and be present to everything she do. i kept looking at the mum and daughter and i guess everyone knew i was noticing them. i wanted to express myself by smiling out heartily but i didn't because i was afraid of being judged when inside of me is beaming with joy for this little girl. this reminds me of samantha's daughter now. i passed a note to the mum , and i noticed how the two ladies in front of me were puzzled when did i give a postit note to the mum.

i thought they might think i was going to woo this mum, but i didn't let my assumption take me over. after that, i was filled with happiness. it wasn't easy, i struggled a little to decide if i should give her and paid lots of attention to the mum and she know i was observing her. i want to say she's amazing which i didn't in the note. she looked so tired and all.

anyway, after both of them alighted the bus, i thought to myself. it'll be worth it to go thru all the hassle if it can make a difference in one person's life. i'm inspired to want to help even more people. and this energy gave me the momentum to do what i did for chee heng. not the most expensive or glamourous stuff, no present. but it was with love.

i'll be kidding if i say i'm not addicted to blogging again. i've been reading random entries of my blog tonight after i changed my template using the basic design that was available from blogger. i just realised i take 5 years to get a little less stuck, or 7years if you were to consider when all the 'low' of my life starts to happen.

there's so many things that i thought i understand but didn't and i want to thank jean for staying by me these few years despite not seeing me before. i appreciate that. but a thought came to my head, was she pitying me because i'm going through the hard time because it seems she doesn't change about me anymore. then again, it's my assumption because i havent ask her. relationships can be so vulnerable and fragile. the thought of being happily married for 20 or even 30 years seem so far.

i felt i was filled with love just now when i was doing something for chee heng. i also did a spontaneous act of courage on the bus just now. i hope it didn't ruin it or make it worse because i forgot to express my appreciation but i did appreciate this mother. i think she's pretty but amazingly i do not have a crush on her until now as i'm typing this. then this crush thought is gone again, and comes back as i type about her again. a pattern of myself to take note of.

my sister seems sad. i haven't buy a cake for her yet but i'm going to do it tomorrow. then again, i wish her well and i feel that she's doing something that she wants and believe in strongly on her big day, so i'm glad for her though i'm not in it. may this gives her the courage and strength to be fulfilled.

even before i type this entry, i know it isnt causing me any major problem but i just cant get to sleep. no more pretense. as i take a step back to observe myself, i guess i'm doing this to attract attention. because i have no one to talk to now. should i restrain or let everything out? ok, i cannot observe myself properly because i'm too stuck. good bye before it becomes the unhealthy habit again. typing an entry is supposed to relief some tension but it isnt helping now. good night.

saw Y online on facebook. i hope to talk to her but she didn't reply. the need is still there but then i'm not as needy as before or get very disappointed if she didn't talk to me. i'd be happy as long she's happy. i just want to know if she is happy, though i do not know what to talk about and still think i'm not on par to talk to her. perhaps, i'm having a glimpse of what is love. friendship love. as i am typing this, my pattern is beginning to show up, how will i cope with it later? let's see how it will affect me.

ps: if you're curious who Y is, you can ask me. if i decide you're allowed to know. i'll tell you. don't be afraid that i think you're busybody even if i do not know you well.

i wonder if i am allowed to destroy it myself and seek the truth, because i still wanna invite her to my wedding, and design my house if my wife agrees. what if the truth doesn't need to contain her anymore. i'll be scared because i do not want this memory to be gone.

i want to understand her better.

read this article and perhaps you might understand what i mean.

http://theangrytherapist.tumblr.com/post/998965250/are-you-addicted-to-love

happy birthday lian jie and jiaming. :)

i see an old me in my brother, the way he talks and reacts and all. not that i'm good or totally changed but i'm thankful for that because it will remind me to work on myself. not that it's effective. but it makes me tick in a certain way. i am glad i didn't lash out at him because i stayed calm. it was only now that i realised when i was having a conversation with my sister that i didn't managed to catch myself but luckily i stayed calm and not reacted if not...

oh, i am just wondering when will i be able to reach the level beatrice tan and ang wei ni is. their personality are bigger than their appearance. and by this typing this. it means something. i never mention any guy but girls. perhaps u can tell me about myself that i haven't understand? :)

right now, i know i cannot do much to my appearance but can work on myself. the inner peace within me that contains the truth in my heart and not let other things affect me. reading theangrytherapist.tumblr.com for the past few days after benjamin intro-ed me to his website. i guess i should "just do it" for now, rather than focus on thinking or "why".

and i wanna write that i am suppressing myself all along. i say that maybe i will not get married and all because i am afraid of of going through commitments, failure and putting myself down be of worth to someone as i've seen how many break up and then can never become friends again. i have been wondering how wonderful it is to go to the supermarket with the girl to do grocery shopping (pushing the trolley and holding her hand), have fun preparing our dinner and laugh at each other when there's flour or some other food stuff on our faces, and a dinner at home. not in singapore, but some other country (europe or usa) whereby we have to drive an hour to walmart and houses that have a chimney and garage, with a beautiful sea view.

okay, to be continued another day for the after dinner part or perhaps there will never be. my thoughts have been distracted by my colleague who ask me to say 4 good things about myself to another colleague on msn, who plays soccer and represent the female team in deakin uni. to be honest, i like this personality of this colleague because of her frankness and all but there's more to that because i want to become like her and i'm still superficial about appearance. she's proficient in both legs and the way she shoots the ball is faster than me in those tight angles that you wouldn't expect. i'm amazed how she can do it. i respect her for that. i used to be able to do that when i was learning how to play soccer by emulating the beckham's kick, but not now since i did not practice it anymore.

i'm tired i feel like sleeping now. and if i dont think so much, i can. but if i think i'll justify and think what's the point of sleeping so early since i have nothing on tomorrow.

but i should fix something in the morning next time, not sports because i'm playing soccer and i must figure out what to do. i cannot waste time like that.

i hope this is the last time, i'm doing that not to please but just to meet people. right now i feel like justifying but then i guess i'm not. i just want to express my feelings. if the activity have become so social, then i better get some new friends who have the same aim and interest with me. this is not considered neglecting old friends because no one will care, everyone is moving forward in whatever ways. this is something i am being reminded when i recall the conversation with kim wei. i'll be happy for you if u share your success with me. i'll still be there to help you (if it's within my means).

i thought that since we're on this topic on improvement. i am just wondering why everyone is so obsessed with improvement. i know i'm talking about this because i am not 'improving'. and what constitutes improvement? oh, i'm brain dead. i can't think. i probably need to wear spectacles soon, and i don't want that to happen. ciao.

oh a side note, i saw evon's facebook photos. if yingjia had let more people know about her flea, perhaps she will have more business? or if not friends will go there to support her, spend some time with her and promote her items. then again, i have no right to comment because it's her flea, not mine and i''m only think, no action, no talk. so ok. another experience i do not have and i kind of am jealous of it. and it's my own problem because i do not want to try. not a powerful choice, but at least i'm starting to exercise my choices now. so bye. my eyes fucking hurts.

gone and back.

asked a friend to change my password but then now they use google account so i could log on in again.

think i'm more calm now. not that i am perfect but think i am more conscious compared to the past. not that i am totally sure of what i really want because i realised that there's so much more work to work on myself to discover the 'truth'. i eat junk food by choice now (at least most of the time), and not impulse or craving. i am conscious that i am growing fat, and i am not hating myself (yet).

finding out more about who i am. read an article by a life coach saying that perhaps trying to focus on who we want to be rather than what we want to do works out better. after reading tumblr the whole night during work yesterday, i do believe on why we do rather than what we do.

no resolutions for this year but somethings i might want to do. it's a dilemma because i want to write it down. but if i'm going to let most people know about my blog(which i havent decide if i should) i guess it will ruin it for her. yes, her but i am single and not attached. so yeah.

well, no more pretense. i cant say that i am totally not bothered if no reader read, but i am less concern with pleasing people or trying to get gain acceptance from others. live and learn from mistakes. not that some habits have go away, but i am still trying to embrace them and find out why i act the way i do. like now...
i wanna say jennifer lopez is so beautiful and pretty for who she is. you can be skinny, or more voluptous like J.lo, i'll still think you're pretty.

then again, i havent figure out if this is a justification or a mask to hide something else but heck it for now. i'll embrace it. i like almost everyone. cool beans. i like acoustic songs and those songs on weini.blogdrive.com . i do not know what kind of genre they are though. before u go there, let me warn you that she is a pretty lady (to me), if you cannot control your projections or any issues on her (which i initially did, and i'd like to say 'crush on first sight/eyecandy'), then it's not my problem because i warn you. then again, we are all different. good luck. :)

i dont mean to be a spoilsport but it's just not me. ok, i think it's mostly my own fault. we're late and going to get scolded later. yeah.

i wonder how a friendship that is so close 10 years ago will become like that. i feel weird telling him so many things right now on msn. i dont wanna disturb him but i can't stop saying things vaguely because he needs to sleep now and i dont think he will understand too. i'm missing you right now. the days we study, eat, play together even though we are in different class.

we still see each other and play soccer together but why it feels so different?

rape me.

good night.

it's rare that these things in my mind won't affect me in sleeping but i'm trying to make myself not to sleep by thinking and thinking even though i can't think.

so different from what i experience most nights in the past.

alot of thoughts was running through my mind while i was on my way back home on the bus.

great to have people who are concerned about me. i should appreciate it much more but i still feel like i'm forever a small boy to everyone. i got to admit i still don't know alot about how the socialising thing works, what drinks are offered in club, what is spirits, housepour, draught.

what is what? how do you know if you're concern or you are just doing what you should do? when someone go missing, you will want to know where they go at that instant. you will want to contact them. but if you do that, they might think you thought they can't take care of themselves. but if you do that, you will feel more at ease. so what is what? what should you do?

maybe i should take up dancing lessons.

should i just retreat back and try to live and achieve the lifestyle i believe in which doesn't involve socialising. or does this means i'm a coward or loser or failure or stubborn mule who doesn't want to change, afraid of failure? they say there should be a balance in everything. so for instance, should you try sex/smoke?
just like partying late at night, i believe it's not good for the long run. because i can't adapt to changes fast. a loser. but to some others, it's fun or is it the way of socialising, networking, building friendship, enjoyment.

my english is so broken, people might misunderstand what i mean or might be able to know what i am saying. this is actually for myself to read, but i guess it's wont be because it's on the net.

showing my vulnerabilities to the whole wide world is a stupid thing to do but i believe as long i'm willing to admit my weaknesses and change, i won't need to be afraid.

i'm just typing for the sake of typing cos i always do not have the feel once i get of the bus. but there is no use cos ........... it can go on and on... and no one will know what i am talking because most people, my friends or army mate do not understand what i say most of the time cos they cant find any link.

bye bye.

happy bday js.

don't know what to talk about today.

quite some time back, one of my army mate used my account to add him cos he saw giselle's photo.

watching manchester united vs bayern munich match makes me so wanna play soccer again. but i cant do that competitively.

as most of us grow up, i realised all we want are the simpler things in life. how ironic. but i'm still chasing materialism cos it is essential to survive before i can get true happiness.

looking at caiyu's photo cheers me up cos she is so adorable when she is happy. the one with her hugging the robinsons bag with her motuh wide open when kimwei told her he's giving her for no terms and condition.

i don't know what i live for. lost all the zest of life. seriously, when will i ever get 'enlighten' and live life to the fullest.

recently, i unknowingly literally feel my heartbeat pumping. felt like i was going to die anytime today while doing a pathetic 4.5km which i walk-jog. i wonder if i will really die of heart attack.

i don't know why do i feel tired everyday. how can people take things lightly while i take every single thing so seriously. ok, i hope i wont start thinking again and i can't get to sleep.

if i care for myself, sleep at the same time during the weekends, i will not have any friends anymore. but if i stay up till so late at night, my sleeping time will be screwed cos i take so a very long time to adapt. tried to sleep before 11pm for two days and knock out immediately but it still doesnt help.

i hate everything. sometimes i hope i just die. sometimes i think of wei ru and i feel like a failure. bye.

with about 3+months left in my service, i just got to know my pes status is a temperory oneonly yesterday and now i might be pes b. wow. amazing.

surfing facebook makes me feel like i'm missing out so much in life cos everyone is going for overseas trip. i dont feel so envious of them as before. maybe i've grown up a little. got to take things in my stride. then again, i wish i can learn more things from each other but it's so difficult.

i dont know how i feel and how can i help others.

instead, it's the other way round cos most people is helping me most of the time. non-applicable to camp mates though.

sometimes, i'm glad i'm 'emotionless' but it is not good cos no matter how hard i try, i can feel the same as the rest.

good night. hope tmr is a new start for everyone surrounding me.

god please bless everyone and help save me to not waste my time in camp waiting for time to pass everyday trying hard not to fall asleep and get reprimanded everyday.

i need someone to teach me how to make unit trust or bond investment cos i dont really understand even though i read it on the internet.

erm, my leg is very itchy now. i don't know if it is the effects of brushing against the sea urchins. my whole right feet is like full of mosquitoes bites, 13 of them and some rashes. but i know it's not because i wore socks the whole day. i hope i won't die of the poisoning.

thanks for the treat. i feel excited sitting in the car. as i was in the car, i was feeling calmed and happy for the both of you as i was visionalising both of you in the tgt in future before i fell asleep and drop my phone. hahaha. it's time to sleep and report sick for my itching leg tomorrow.

if anybody wants to go diving or learn diving, i won't mind joining them going for the diving. but i need time to save up first. oh evon is so sexy, xd is so street-smart, jason is so meticulous. you get to know the other side of the rest on such trip.

there's so many things i wanna do. if i have the talent to sing live like sara wee.. wow.

hope i wont die of heart attack one day cos of lack of slp. night!

need to dive more often and practice my buoyancy because i still cant stay underwater, not above water. my mum seems very surprised when i tell her that i have difficulty staying in water rather than floating up.

this trip made me realised i have a long way to go. i've got alot of things to learn. and i'm kinda confused. i need to be more indepedent. so if one day my mum reads my blog, i hope she will stop doing everything and let me suffer alot to learn.

i saw an example of two good friends though both of them seems to quarrel all the time. i feel happy when i see the both of them like that. its so nice and simple. xd was v good, at least to me cos he saved me so many times and i'm not his main responsibility. his buddy is evon. that's what friends are for. jason was very accomodating especially when i was behaving like a girl. thank you.

sorry for knocking and kicking everybody so many times. when they surface up, i dont know if they are angry or tired and i cant seem to relax.

another 101 reason not to get into a r/s now cos i cant even take care of myself. when i try to help, i'm creating more trouble and feel as if i'm an attention whore. wow.

i've got not much to share cos second half the time while the rest was touching the sea animals, i was struggling to sink down. -.-

god bless all.

it's so weird i don't feel excited at all. why?

i just read an article about angelina jolie cutting herself cos she dont feel emotionally connection to anyone. i'm feeling the same way.

i am screwed. watching cruel temptations always leave me feeling very tight in my chest i dont know why. i tear but i cant never seem to cry. sometimes i feel the tears in my eyes are forced out or i still can feel for others. i dont know if i'm fake or real.

god bless all.

wow. justin biber looks kinda cute for his age. i bet girls all over the world is swooning over him. his voice is mesmerising... like a baby. too bad we're of same gender. if not....

it seems like i've lost track of the lastest music since oens, time to keep up with the lastest music.

lazy and tired to read the book which i didnt read for two weeks. hope i can pass the test though i was told it answers can be copied (must copy from right person).

feel like sleeping now but i'm listening to 98.7fm. it feel so good to listen to radio and i'm beginning to like desiree lai though i haven't listen to her dj before.. so cool i wanna be a deejay now.

i respect all the other young stars espcially miley cyrus. so young yet so talented and mature. vocal trainer on american idol. oh miley, will you marry me?
:D

driving tmr, it's kinda depressing i'm stuck at vertical parking and i dunno how to do directional change anymore at lesson 16. sad case. :(

some called me to call them and then try to exaggerate things by making it as if it is so important or difficult but in actual fact it is not..

now i know why am i so stupid but i've lost all the common sense or the ability to think because whatever others said are "common sense" and they try to confuse me and trick me.

dear god, please discharge me from the army soooon and help to relief some pain from my grandma. i hope my parents wont be like her when they're older.

i always agree on something before i realise that i'm being taken advantage of especially duty. this is the army. army mates will say how much they cover my ass just because they talk well while i always keep my mouth shut and do the work. the way they talk to superior is as if they are their friend. i still draw a very clear line between superior, friend and army mate. maybe i shldn't do so to make my life easier.

wake my bloddy idea up and being to vain is of no use. somethings are best to be left natural. i feel too perfect in some areas now. i think my mum is disappointed with me and wonder why she have such a son who doesnt behave like a man.

all i am now is because of what i have done to myself and i wish i can turn back the time.

please dont laugh at me when you see me the next two months. i hope everything will be ok. on a sidenote, even though it looks weird but i'm glad it grew back. please dont treat me like a freak if you see me in trunks.

i hope it doesnt rain heavily this fri to monday.

god bless all.

i want to update seomthing but i gotta go for my driving leson now hopefully i can remmeber what i wanna write in the next entry. i cant wait to get out of the army and i hate it i wish i dont ever step into any military camp anymore after this. sigh.

if i'm going to have chronic ankle pain or arthritis . i'm going to curse and swear at all the doctors who have diagnose me before. i'm going to hate all of them forever especially the army. gdi.

listening to 98.7FM on the computer makes me happy. wow. i feel young like during lower secondary school days which i love. and 98.7fm djs are so cool. i miss jamie yeo and carrie chong.

fearless by taylor swift makes me super happy. yeah.

my moood is being lifted now but i can only use my sis's laptop till 10pm.

i bought something that i kinda regretted and that sum of money can be put to better use like buying a pair of nike cross training shoes on sale now. i always buy things that i kind of regret except for footwear and my green hooded sweater.

it's weird how i can lend double of this amount of money to people and dont feel as sad compared to the thing i bought when they dont bother returning it back to me. but i will never ever trust this person again.

i need to seek help. lots of it. moleskine or not? to write what i feel/think on the bus which i can't recall any single thing now.

this week is kind of a good week because those kids dont have to go school. so bus is less crowded.

bye before i get super tired (which i am already lack of slp)

so much things to say but don't know who will really care abt everything. anyway, it's mostly complains. few more months and life might change. hopefully for the better and i will be able to adapt to it cos i' ma stubborn mule. working from the stratch again. money is f-ing important, so is appearance, fitness and health.

somethings in life, you must try to let things fade and find something new to replace it and bring you to the next level. i think all business think this way, isn't it? i still need to learn to be more flexible. army mates are not colleagues, they can be friend. i'm taking a small step this sat though that is not the life i would want to lead.

the song on grace's blog is very soothing.

why no one have faith in making sports as a career?

i am not a person who diversify, i focus on one thing and this is not enough to ensure survival in this world now. it sucks. everyone is so multi-talented.


god bless all.

Some people have stretch mark on their body, some have chickpox scar,etc some are so brave to wear two piece, some wear skimpy trunks. I still find them sexy and for the guys alright... But I just can't accpet myself to be less than perfect. Or am I too horny that almost every lady 'look attractive'. No offence evon, I don't't mean you're just one of the girls but you're more than an eye-candy. I don't need to be perfect now, I just want to be normal and not ugly but some thins done can't be undone unless I have lots of money to go operation. My legs and thighs which are my only assets are ruined by me. I really hate myself. Who really like me? I'm not handsome neither am I smart or rich. Now you got to have at least 2 of the 3 to survive. It's so difficult to even feel good. Bye.

Writing it down here that evon is kinda of attractive in her wet spag/shorts and dressing today. Kinda like very casual young girl and I like the denim shorts the most cos of the stars design at the back pocket. Xd don't kill me okay.

Two of my superiors bday fall on the same day as me. So there's 6 person I know who share e same bday as me. I couldn't fall asleep yesterday and kept waking up every few hours. I thought of mich, evon, yc. I just realised my english grammar sucks becaue I don't know is it wake up every few hour or wake up every few hours. Diving is so tiring. I feel like sleeping now but I scared I can't sleep tonight. I can feel the after effect of staying in the sun and now I'm sunburn. My face is starting to get red. I feel so ugly now even though there is so many people who saw my scars and ugly tan though they didn't talk about it. I think even if I prositute myself for 25dollars, no one will even want to f me. How pathetic a useless male horny slut I can be. Sometimes I wonder how some people can have such nice figure even though they don't have to exercise much like mich and kw. I scared I might get slapped or scolded and might embarrass someone if I said it face to face to her in front of others so I'm writing it down here that u're kinda

Just came back from the market after having shredded chicken porridge. Walked around for abt 20mins. There's such a big crowd. Some of the children are helping out. It's so nice to see that. Being a housewife is not easy. Gotta wake up so early and do marketing before 6.30am. Then I thoguht how nice will it be if I go do marketing with my partner in future, cook together eat together. Just the basic. There's so many essential thing to do in life but I always wanted to achieve more than just marketing, being happy, etc. Cos this is a real wordl. Money counts. Those food sellers are just part of the society, not to be look down upon but they don't earn much. Saw dad at e market too, his grey hair triggered how much he've aged... More than my mum. I want to dabble in stock to earn money. I eed advice on what shld I study in uni. I need to know my passion, but I don't. I love myself too much that I wanna stay in my comfort zone but once my parents leave, I'm worse than anyone who is struggling to earn a living, why is angelina jolie earning so much when she is not that pretty. But she's very charming and so much she's done for the third world country. I'm dfirting out of topic I can't rememeber what I wanna say initially. I know that I hope you're doing fine right now even if u don't want to reply my email. I'm done with my constipation now. Shall try to go back to sllep. Tc all.

Hope you girls enjoy your movie later and have a good heart to heart talk. Tc ps... I've not mood to do my physio exercises today. Perhaps gd night? Anyway, local uni application is on till 21feb. Perhaps I'll update again tmr.

My laptop broke down abt 3weeks ago so I seldom use the net so frequent. There's so many things to say. But... Ok. I'll be happy for u if u passed your driving today or ytd. Evon thx for your comment. I was surprised that someone commented on my blog. Thx annoymous. Whoever u are for the article that I just read. Maybe u can email me and tell me who u are, I'll be v grateful. My heart sank when I read it just now. I always thought I've irritated her so shw don't wanna reply to my emails or messages. My heart sank I didn't know what to do but I know now that it's more of a concern for someone than 'love". I still envy her. I'm not as "worried" or keep thinking abt her. I just hated myself for being selfish and only thinking abt myself. I keep asking yong zhen if he have mild seven cos its the pack that she posted on her blog. Its in my conscious though I never think of her so much. Coincidentally, I wrote her name down during the seminar course just now. But its not love I don't know what. Ok I'm ranting again.

zw. am i the one who pissed you off by the previous post? if i am, i'm sorry.

saw two girls on the bus this morning. thye look like sisters or maybe good friend. nice skin, average looking but i really wont look at them a second time if not for their big bag and clothing.... they shared a bottle of water together, yawn together. probably working together. so sweet when they look out and take care of each other.

keep in mind try to listen to others cause i have forgotten how to do that but only complain and f people through the years.

friends is not easy.

ok, can feel that i'm having fever soon.
night before i faint or shit/fart/die in the parade tmr.

suddenly i'm so scared i will be paralysed and i know i cant be as fit as before plagued by injuries especially when i see zibin and chee keng like that i should be lucky. but i can't. i hate it that i cant perform to my potential. have been playing soccer without thinking for years since i think i am quite good caused me and my friends to be stagnant.

felt like a gigolo few moments back...

no. i dont need a gf but someone who can make me less slutty a better person.

i'm typing too much. bye.

last year:
ankle recovery
join more races
less abdominal fats
more happy (glad that i feel i'm more myself around poly friends)
stop thinking of those two vicious cycle
grow taller
no signing on (comfortable but scary thought when i think of it)
be myself in front of more people (but not irritating them)
give hugs to more people esp kw,evon and 2/6 people (friends and family)
phuket or some other place close to nature overseas
people around me to be happy
love myself
health of parents
maybe stargirl
maybe driving?


only 1 completely done. still fighting the other one unless i ord already for 1-2years. there are two half done. one cancelled last minute but it is okay if not i wouldn't have so much fun during christmas with co3.

people around me to be happy
health and life of family
love myself
build stronger bond among old friendship
healtheir and fitter
be myself in front of others
be happy and less temperamental
be less horny (still dont understand why most of the girls are pretty)
driving?
more savings
ankle recovery;check up on my right ankle (but it is already almost 2 years will it be the same again?)
take care of my back and right knee
go to somewhere close to nature overseas
learn a new sport
gf?
study uni?

hello huiyu. hahahaha. thank you. see you. good night. i am so weird and happy and this is a good start to 2010 hopefully.

i dreamt of ying jia on two consecutive days and i dreamt of president nathan too.

i . omg so much to blog. i am v happy now. i need to sleep. bye bye.

Happy birthday yvonne, connie jie jie and felicia and god bless all. I'm listening to love song by sara ???? Now. So cool. Gonna walk the whole amk hub now. See ya.

I'm at ang mo kio hub now after visit causeway point. Kinda happy when I reach here but the feel is gone. I saw ying jia's friend elaine twice less than 5mins ago. Haha. Too bad I don't have twitter and bolackberry curve 3G sucks.

i am all complain and no action. so i lose most thing.

dangerous world. diffffernt. selfishness. sherlock holmes is so good. smart yet emotionless guy. watson is better but how many of us can be like him. he is jude law.


ok. i am back to my old self. i jsut want to grumble to the royal rumble and tumble all the bummers.

fine young man... hahaha.

http://sg.news.yahoo.com/afp/20091227/tap-yachting-australia-record-5a1703c.html

what a brave girl.



everyday was fun since christmas except for yesterday when i got kind of moody and today.

i cant wait to finish my service and then probably rot and die somewhere else far far away. struggling and alll.

then again i am sure i will be regretting why didnt i spend my time wisely and not give up so easily.

well. screw it.

u can drive illegally , jsut dont get caught. if not cycle.

msn,yahoo news, blog, girls, boys, then the cycle repeat.

swimming, flu, sleep, bored, run, think, irritated, then the cycle repeat.

how do you earn lots of money?

no one will help you if you dont help yourself. no one cares.

even those who care cant really help.

bye.

my sis is helping out as a rep, and i knwo its not easy. but i didnt give up much help yet give her the cant be bothered attitude. still talk to her, but dont care enough because i'm so caught up with myself. it is the thought that counts. sometimes i dislike giving presents or receiving present.

why cant we jsut be happy and dispense with the formality?

can there be still be surprises and fun without monotony?

being too happy and then you feel so alone the next day sucks. i dont want to dampen my sec sch friends later, i still look forward to it but i dont know what i can do or buy or ???? to make it more happening and lively later. i feel so tired now but i want to go swim. but i wont be sleeping much tonight i supposed. i feel wierd my family is not celebrating. and guilty.

what is life?
what shld i do?

i am a happy boy today because xmas is so good just now. i can say i'm truly happy though still bothered (but not as much as before). this is more the real me though it is attention seeking. or if i have offended anyone, i'm sorry.

how i wish i can hang out with chee heng deborah kevin eugene ivan, etc like that and play some card games, etc. it will be fun.

i like yingjia shoes and match with her ali baba bottom. so nice. her shoes is better though. so prettty.

i can't wait for tomorrow 2/6 peeps. hotel stay, cool. it is like something i always wanted. how i wish all of my friends know each other and i own a 5000sqft 3 storey bungalow with a fireplace heater and lots of snow outside. and a few organiser to help me cos i dont know how to organiser and it is super tired to do so.

but i wish i can spend more such time with my family. mum is so i dont know what to say. i scare i will be unfilial. female are so powerful being, their love transcend everything. i hope i wont screw up if i get married some day.

i cant really get to sleep because i dont know who i can really share my joy with right now and i really need to get it out of my chest. i know mum is happy for me, but she is different. now i know how it sucks to be lonely, you dont need to be in love but you need a v good friend whom u know you can tell everything and it comfortable with you plus the feel/chemistry.

hope i dont fall sick. i seems to have recover but i can feel fever is coming.

i wanna make my eyebrow, i wanna wax my legs because its becoming like a monster, so ugly, so unsightly stubble. lucky i'm a guy. but my mum says that is not manly and gayish so no girl will like me. so many regrets and mistake.

i hope everyone had fun just now.

gd night.

hope i wont fall any sicker during this season. god bless all.

merry xmas! :)

shopping is fun and nostalgia, but not alone or in a big group. i realised i will only buy things while shopping on my own, not in a big group.

hope someday i will get acquainted to rachel tan. i saw someone like her just now but i didnt know if it was her. you can imagine how freaking scary it is when someone approach you(you're not a celebrity) and know so much abt you when you know nothing about him. i'm glad i didnt do that. i became a muddlehead after that such that i didnt know how to get out of ngee ann city to the bus stop. i can visualise watching netball matches with her till old. ok, i digressed.

kids are cute. i still like the 1.5yr old caucasian boy whom i saw yesterday. kim wei can witness that. isnt he cute? so big and adorable.

ok. shout out to chee heng though you dont know that my blog exists. i love you. i hope i dont scare you by being so enthusiastic just now. patient,melvin. baby steps are needed to forge back the old r/s.

sorry, i recognise you because you look like gwen stefani with red lipstick on, not cos of your acting talent. you are one of the few ladies who look so good with red lipstick. i feel like watching girl interrupted again and take more notice on you. rip brittany murphy.

second day, way to go. :)

i am glad that * confided in me though i have no experience at all or is giving some bullshit advice. i'm thankful that u trust me so much even though we seldom talk or meet up. i wont judge you, at least for now because i know who you are.

matters of heart are so complicated. i'm glad i am not totally into it. i still prefer soccer, alot of ME time, want ot learn scuba diving, do bungee jump, travel alone, but of cos i yearn to find the other significant half.

am i just selfish or socially awkward when i dont ask people to try my food first. is that a social etiquette or i am real screwed up? perhaps i still havent learn how to share my love. perhaps i need to learn to love myself much more first.

ok. the last paragraph was redundant cos it is crap and unncessary. i just need to type it out. at least i recognise what is truthful and what is not.

i want to get to know p better for it is something... i recognise i shldnt be typing here as it will be redudant and not truthful but back to my old self.

it is tiring to initiate a convo and i think iwas given many chances. need to learn how to sustain a topic. i got to try harder... esp with the boys cos i just cant do anything when i see them. i envy a sometimes. cos he can liven up the atmosphere and not scare to make a fool out of himself. is it my ego or i just dont want others to look at the 'bad' side of me?

ok. bye. i am being back to my oldself again so i shall stop here and end my conversation with z on msn and go to sleep. hope tmr will be a better day. i am so dead now that i am left with less than 7hrs of slp, hope i wun be shag later. no excuses not to try harder even if i dont succeed. shall slp not later than 12am tmr night.

it was that day that i spent it with chee heng, kevin, deborah and ivan made me feel the need to change. to be closer to friends and all.

i restrained myself on weds but it just came back on thurs. i guess i'll take it slowly but steadily one thing at a time.

probably thursday is the 'last workday' of the year, i went to camp happily(one of the very rare times) despite having to wake up earlier waiting in the rain to pass yong zhen his camp pass though he was slightly late. it just happeneed that all the older songs that i like was playing when i was on the bus and it lived up my mood. i didnt have to act and enjoyed the music then i started to think of my life, friends. chee heng/deborah, kevin, ivan, eugene, jiayi, grace , kim wei, mich, evon, xiaode, chin wei, 2/6 pple as a whole, what i wanna do, etc.

i dreamt of rosanne on weds night. it is kind of silly how i try to go to espirit just to hope to see her there during poly days and when i tried to get julian hee signature for her when he was there in the shop. we seldom talk now. i think she is still atteched now.

there is this blog i wanan share though there is this saga abt her going on. she is very attractive and her character really shines out. i have been reading it since yesterday.
http://daphneiking.blogspot.com

i hope xmas is good and i can spend lots of time with my friends and family and still get to do what i like best. hopefully life will be better for family when i finish ns.

god bless all.

i need change. to do something. slowly but surely. hopefully.

been receiving inspirational quotes everyday (free service by M1).

the difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of strength, not lack of knowldege, but rather a lack in will - vince lombardi

was happy yesterday. the feeling with chee heng , kevin, deborah and ivan is totally different. its so fun but i still think and feel that i am extra. they make me feel welcomed but...... perhaps i'm thinking too much.

i need a restraining order from blogging or msn messenger and i wonder who can help me.

what she said made sense but i do always ignore what she said and dont put it into action. and she started to ask me to be honest with myself. am i really honestlying willing to change or am i just bluffing myself? now she knows part of the reason is to get away from camp. so what's next? how do i forgo everything and start afresh? feels like a loser though i am already am at the losing end for the past 6 yrs.

beatrice tan seems so nice and perfect. i wonder how can she be her when there is so many distractions. admire her.

bye before i talk shit again. ok, i did amend a few sentences and talked shit.

couples retreat was good. i always dig such romance movies.
i'll definitely want to watch valentines' day cos there is julia roberts, jennifer garner, jessica alba, ashton kutcher, topher grace and many more.

aspire to be like jennifer garner and ben affleck, gwen stefani and gavin rossdale. or perhaps i will never be.


i think acting shld be fun, but i'm not trained in it and i think i view it different from those hollywood actors/actresses. i respect them.

outfield with reservists was fun/sucky/etc.
they freaking camo super fast, do everything super fast.
i cant imagine gg thru that for another 10yrs.
reading kw's blog but too stone to really fully understand or doubt i will ever understand.
xd reminded me of stargirl.
and then it reminds me of yc not replying to my emails anymore.

went shopping with sis and am glad she is beginning to learn how to dress up and all. how excited she was when she like that fox dress thingy. but it is just too exp. glad for her. and when i see the shirts, it reminded me of yc.

havent read sec sch friendsb lolg yet. it seeems that i dont read blog often anymore neither do i update. good or bad.

moleskine but i dont know if it helps me or my penned up feelings will not work after few months becuase there isn o one to talk to.

disappear seems good becuase i dont feel that i have anyone even if they say till will be there for me cos i dont think i will even be there for myself. crazy.

starting afresh is best. sonija kwok is so pretty. i like her character in walk on the beat. i like doesnt mean that i can get. cos it is a preference. everything will be different if i am not competent.

oh well, i jsut wanna do what i want.. as in enjoy what i am doing, have enough to survive. then start to earn abit more. and hope everything will go smoothly. first step is hard. enjoy what i do. be happy.

ok. gotta stop cos i jsut realised pple will be reading and so i am going to start my shit. bye. sleep now to replenish the lsot of sleep the past 4 days.

oh yes, some reservists guy are hot and cute and nice. like wow esp that young lieutanant. i got his number when he called me to run errand but i havent save. wow. ok, i sound super gay now.

bye.

the only reason why i'm on msn cos of xiaode and not xiang sheng. it's irritating me. now i know why yue chin doesnt talk to me after awhile. i am so fucked up, now i realise. i dont know if he still envy me or what. or if he sense me being hotsile to him. i reall hope he dont do that to others cos it will irrittate the shit out of them. i havent email yue chin for close to 2mths, its getting kind of alright not to talk (read:irritate) her. still think of her soemtimes, and it can be sweet to see her wide smile on facebook. i hope she is doing well. i dont mean it now not cos i'm bnlgogging and people is reading but in my heart when i'm on the bus or walking alone or just have thoughts of her, i hope she is happy eating properly.

ok, i need to slp before i fuck up further.

bintan, i dont know ifi 'm lookng forward towards it but still. i hope it wont screw up. pls dont judge my scars on my back, face, ass, thigh. i am happy to be with them even though i dont talk much or play soccer or not understanding half of what they say half the time.

sometimse i htink the organisation is screwed up. sometimes i think i am screwed up. now i'm feeling abit fucked up. and because of what was said yesterday and during sunday's night dinner for ye ye's bday.

i get irritated easily. i hate to lose to feel lousy. i hate to be imperfect not like this girl i saw in the bus where she had a nice body i supposed with flawless skin and no scar. my skin is getting worse. i shld not complain and what fuck or not i dont care. this is my blog. i am solo, selifsh, bastard , whatever i dont care.

join the osama clan perhaps.

i hate my back. i hate being dirty everyday with grease,oil, hurting back. i cant have good sex. i cant please my partner. i cant turn properly or bring the ball over smoothly without straining my back. i can do well in sprots industry. i dont have money. i need to plan. i dont know hwo to start, where to save and when i want to start other things fuck me up mentally. i cant do a sit up without feeling painful. megan fox can rape me anyday.

F.

i need to focus. bye.

i hate god sometimes.

donated blood for the first time last friday. wasnt as scary as i thought though it hurts a little and felt so weirdly uncomfortable when the blood is draw into the packet for that few minutes.iiits coming to the end of the year, and its christmas. siloso beach party. i shld have let jy and evon dunk me half naked into pool thingy last year. wasnt spontaneous enoguh was too self conscious now i dont think i can ever let them do it anymore.

what can i do from now till 10am?

call up driving instructors?
exercise?
my entire arm and chest hurts for 3days after 2 sets of 30. result of not doing any push ups for 2-3mths. how weak can i be.

ok.bye.

when you are 13 and 3cm shorter, u can do it in 10.30
when you are 21 and 3cm taller, u barely make it thru with 11.50
when most people did it in sub 2hr, and you cant even do half that length.

could have normal skin like others but due to my perfectionist nature, i ruined it and made it worse. maybe if i slept more and not do my homework religiously even though i dont know what i was doing hoping that miracle will happen, i might have grew taller.

maybe maybe maybe. maybe i shld be a femalel. dreaming. why this why that? why get defineed by a piece of paper? why? what will happen if i becoem a parent? how can i help my children to find their strength asap? enrol them into millions of programmes? let them do what they want and figure it themselves?

since it's been screwed why still think of it? why not improve or other thigns and everything will fall in nicely in time to come.

i think both of them will put some people to shame.

gwen stefani: singer, mother of two, 40, starts work like almost immediately after pregnancy, amazing abs, $26mil in 2007.





natalia vodianova: supermodel, mother of three, 27, had a difficult childhood, blessed with amazing body, almost $5mil in 2007, founder of charity foundation.



since i cant be extraodrinary, i shld try to learn how to enjoy the simple pleasure of life. so what people say, i shld fuck it unless it makes sense? then again, nothing makes sense because everything is grey.

i hope i can roller blading later though the last time i did was still around the 'training area'. weird. tanning sessioon at the pool now?

this taiwanese show is pissing people off. it is very endearing but no one in this world will let this happen cos most of us will be doing something about it before this happens. it has to be like total coincidence for it to happen. but for me to become as fucked up as guocongmin is easy. so soemtimes watching this show is bad for me.

meet up with zhi hao on fri. it's been years since we sit down and have a properl meal together. played soccer with him too. i'm glad that chee heng, zhi hao and i was in a team just now. soccer dont mean as much as before now, being a the same team feels better. cliff and zhi hao are police colleagues. such a small world.

i feel like moving out. i find it kind of messy. my apretns and our slping time and our hoseu environment. at the same time, i can be real indepedent, wash clothing, settles meals, doing housekeeping, paying bills all on my own = less meeting out, less budget for bdays. i feel like leaving sg. i hate my scars. i feel so ashamed of it but it is my fault. i cant play soccer half naked like the rest. there is nothing much left for me now that can or will keep in this country. no one will love me. even so , i dont feel it. i need to achieve something to feel good.

time to slp. lie on bed 10pm every ngith since thursday but i am always waking up almsot every hour thru the night. this sucks.

pls click the close button on the right if you feel uncomfortable with me discussing abt topics related to sex or think that i'm horny right now but i am not.

i jsut wonder how it feels to be a female pornstar. their life and all. i would want to experience it before passing remarks on them. being topless and washing cars is not degrading in my opinion as long you dont get the wrong idea or just keep thinking of getting the pants of those models because it is natural to be naked. we shldn't be ashame of our body but feel very comfortable in our skin.

scubadive.
skydive.
bungee.

love self before you can love others.

wonder yc came here to club or work. i didnt stop by orchard since fri till now. supposed she might fly back already.

good night.

using a blackberry that was found and unregistered sucks.

10pm. I was lying on bed. Things on my mind run wild. I couldn't sleep till now. But I'm really very tired after today's swim. Perharps I didn't exercise enough till the extent such that I can KO immediately. Those kids especially the girl in blue and the boy with ronaldo world cup hairstyle swam so well I felt ashamed of myself.
Ece



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I


I
Trf

10pm. I was lying on bed. Things on my mind run wild. I couldn't sleep till now. But I'm really very tired after today's swim. Perharps I didn't exercise enough till the extent such that I can KO immediately. Those kids especially the girl in blue and the boy with ronaldo world cup hairstyle swam so well I felt ashamed of myself.
Ece

D









I


I
Trf

hopefully when i write this entry. i will not revert back to who i am who type all those crap....

i've realised how such a procastinator and how much i pissed peopel off when i complain, justify myself, etc. i need to thank this army friend who kind of keeps thinking i'm very good and made me realised i was (amybe still am) such a person to phoon yc. now i know how irritating i can be. some things cant be forced. soem things you dont have to try too hard.

it was great to see poly friends yesterday. i thought it would be very awkward but it was still a fun bunch. i still didn't take initiative.

i still adore beatrice tan, claire jedrek and annoymously check out the profile of others whom i adore.... hopefully, someday, oneday, soon i will not need to do that again. when the tiem comes, this will mean that i've become a more secure person.

god bless all.

puay tze, thanks for the steamboat treat. :)

happy 40th birthday gwen stefani.

and also the other oct babies: pt, alex, xd, grace, cw, yy.

you know you're screwed when ms singapore can run 10km in 67mins.

sometimes i wonder how they can go thru life after the pagant or whatever competition and lead a normal life yet again. how can they be so down to earth i wanna know. i need to learn from them. but then again, they're so beautiful and they know that only more opportunities will come. they wont starve. not saying they're bimbos cos i know they're all graduates from uni. prolly 2X smarter than me.

its so sunny and by the time i reach the pool the sun will set and i cant tan anymore.

wtf if i can run faster than her. she's so beautiful and have so much more to offer to the world or whatever thing than me.

sometimes i wonder what will happen if u put a long scar across the face or body of beautiful people. or what if they aren't born with the looks. how their life will change. worse than mine or ?

fing off from the com to do something outdoors amd save myself b4 its too late.

i'm so pissed off with the trojan horse thingy cos i cant solve it.

i cant meet kelly,andeline and all cos it'll be 9+pm once i reach there and it makes no sense for me to see them for 15mins and all the rush i need to go through. i want to see them but i havent shwoered or eat or anything.

i havent had my dinner.

i havent hydrated myself properly today.

i'm so bored.

i'm so tired yet i cant sleep.

i feel liek going for a run but it's a exercise day tmr.

i dislike what my mum cooked for dinenr today.

i dun know if i pissed her off again or something. i jsut cant stop complaining. hopefully she's just a busy wonderwoman these few days.

i didnt sleep well yesterday.

i feel very itchy and dirty but its a waste of water if i'm gg to shwoer b4 i run.

my muscle cant heal and i'm not imporving if i do not have inadequate rest due to lack of slp and adding mroe stress to it tmr.

now i think i shld have ignore all my homework in the past and jsut go to slp because i'm not a scholar . hard work doesnt pay.

i'm so screwed. i feel like buying a new computer/laotop now and use this one as a punching bag now.

i need someone special to save me.
i need salvation.
i need to change my life.
i cant type much because right now i'm typing to atract attention and this sucks.

there was this girl in the bus who was talking to her friend and it makes perfect sense and i realised i've been so fake.

or denstined to lead a lonely path?

no i'm not emoing. definitely. i cant apprecaite pple who care cos i dun feel special, jsut someone a fridn to them.

everything is getting meaningless.

ok, i'm f ing it up again. bye.

ok, sidetrack. i was looking at my back in the mirror durign showers and it reminds me of yj spine. idk why. but i like her spine. its really sexy.

hk was fun. might post pictures when i get hem and sought the permission from my friends. sorry peishan i didnt reply ur sms cos i didnt know what to reply afraid that it will trigger u to be more sad.

k, i cant be bothered but only to attract people attention to know how different i am in real and behind the com but i dunno what the hell is it beneficial to me. more like helping others to know my weakpoint, the more f up/scary/horny/disillusional/whatever f side of me .

i shldnt even start typing becos i cant stop now.





























































































































f up.

today's miss sng's bday.
today's stefanis sun's concert.
today's exactly 10mths before most of my friends ....
today's 1yr and 10+ days before i can f off frm e org.
i cant wait for stefanie's sun bday next year.

it taught me not to dream but to live for others and get slapped back on the face.
it taught me how to feed the ego/pride of others.
it taught me to treasure time.
it makes me feel worse than usual.
i totally do not have respect for e org.

if possible, e birthplace of my sons, anywhere else but not here.

happy belated kelly and joanne.

lifes f up.

suck it in and give 2years to them. yc said. still trying. i havent talk to her in awhile.

not eanring money on a sat, neither am i 'enjoying' myself but wasting life at home cos i got to suck it in.

i cant control my anger management. i secretly think that i can pick up fighting fast and have thoughts of taking up so i can vent my anger. i miss punching the everlast in the hotel.

spore is so $%^&*(.

there's alot to learn from Padma Lakshmi. i think she's really beautiful.... and sexy.

wasted my sunday. wait and wait. fucked up weather. wasting my time. perhaps its time to consider doing things that doesnt involved anyone. no more team sports? needa think of how to earn big money. every man for himself. but still gotta get help from others. socialisation. whatever.

sometimes love ain't enough. it will never be.

i can't control the urge to type. hence, there's this entry.

i can't differentiate what is feel and think. 'm

and no, it's not emo. i still can't imagine what's going to happen next if i do change. and in some ways i'm comfortable with what i have now though i claim its not enough cos i want more. i want to try many things. i wanna hit rock bottom but afraid that i cant get up. or neither do i want to be 'traumatised' my whole life. awnt to be there for everyone, but i knwo i'm not that selfless enough to die for anyone. ok, running late. gtg before i get punished.

perhaps i have been always looking for a surrogate elder sister or mother. that's why i never find love. that aside.... i'm so glad and felt so lucky that yue chin replied my email. i just read it for the second time because i cant really fully process everything right now. i'm feeling very tired and even though i'm not i might not understand it fully too. this shows she's so much more mature than me? i am tearing and i dont know what is the exact reason.

Dillon said that by reading blackjetta.blogspot.com, it makes me feel that i have a connection with her. a false one. it hit me right on the spot and kept me thinking. it have been a rough week. i succeeded in making myself high by listening to ipod every moring on the way to work only to feel all empty again once i reach the workplace.

i hope she sleeps tonight. it's just harming her health. i wonder if i reply tomorrow will she reply back? on a happier note, tomorrow is friday.

i wanted to write about how a lady working for prudential apporach me at lot 1 and rave about her but i guess i will not do that today. i saw g and k too, but they didnt see me. oh haha. this is what love birds do to you.

god bless all.
night.

felt v sad again when i read phoon yc's entry.
talking to jiayi now, but i'm more of like stoning.
syncing my ipod...
and i dont know if i should just tell her, like it might add on more to her problem?
i so wanted to talk about myself, but i was suppressing it. now i just dont know what ot talk. the conversation is getting awkward and i think i'm being a spoilsport and i cant advise her on any job offers.
i am typing this right now assuming she doesnt read my blog. and if she does, i dont know. i just got a feeling she might read this.

ok, i lost my plot.

it's still all about me afterall.

i just hope blackjetta.blogspot.com will never close down. i wanted to copy and paste the entries in MS word so i can read through them again in future. but there's too much to do, and i dont have the heart to do so. reading the archive gives me a better understanding. she is the coolest/most beautiful/most unpretentious female blogger ever. through her blog, i know what is moleskine and begin to have interest in shoes. i idolise her in many ways and just wanna follow her. perhaps its really time for her to move on for herself, just wanna wish her all the best in whatever she do.

pictures from her blog..



isn't she pretty?

m1 bills doesnt show the talktime usage and it always irritates me. it is getting more and more expensive again... ahhh. kinda regret getting the rebate which spreads over 2yrs which i signed last july. i cant wait to change to another line. i cant remember the reason why i chose m1 but ok... i'm happy for now. i needa get out of the house soon before the feeling comes back. and i do feel more and more lost whenever i am alone on days like this. if only i could exercise right now!

orchard to buy stuff to protect my new gadget,
go borders to visit ps and read a good book?
watch a movie?
and i dont know who to ask out thought i have someone in mind... but...

just read yj's blog and for the first time in a long time, i feel happy for her rather than being envious. yeah!

she's away on msn and i wanna talk but i dont know how to start. ok, i dunno, still scared. i shall stop using the com. dont rain pls.

i was lucky and so later is a free day for me! yeah.

i think having optimism is a good way to start. ah, just starting to 'debate' with my mum about keep a blog and providing too much personal info.

ah, i've try to think of the positive side the past few days and i was happy and then good things happen though we got lectured. hope to continue to do so, hoping to change to a better person. does it work this way? being happy will bring all the good things? but i'm still scared i will grow so fat and unhealthy and i fear for the future again. i need to hurry recover and go exercise. but staying in the office is also very cool except....

oh, GT! i just read your blog and it reminded me of sat night when i smile to you and you smile back because u know what i was thinking/doing..... now i get so excited i can't slp! i supposed its a good thing better than emoing now.

to sec sch friends: if you saw the photos on the facebook, i didn't mean to hide anything. i was seriously thinking what should i get because i could only get one and was undecided. i didn't expected or knew beforehand that both wishes were fulfilled by poly mates. i think this is the power of blog? macs was good, just that i had to work the next day. i think i need h2h talk with u all another time soon. i still love you all.

i really had a wonderful bday and i dont know what to say. i need to learn to stop finding which i have been doing all these years because i have a grps of friends who love me for who i am.

i need to focus on my mental well-being for now. sorry if i seem rude on the net when i say good night and go offline immediately as i needa rid of hiding behind the com so often.

i know knwos about gadgets and i have been on the com since 9+pm figuring out how to use itunes. stupid i know. hahahaha. i'm learning. take it slow and steady.

i think i was seeking attention all along. sorry. ignore my entries because they are not my 100% true feelings . i dont even know what i am doing. i hope i wont wake up to be so tired because i know i cant wake up feeling refreshinig. i didnt have this feeling for year(s).

stupid but i dont know if this shld be the last entry.

my hands are always so itchy that i'll try to put a mark to almost every pimple on my face. and i really look horrible when i see the mirror. now i wonder how stefanie sun get all her motivation,strength and willpower from.

reading blackjetta.blogspot.com makes me have mixed feelings again though i dont understand today's entry.

i wanna thank all my poly friends and sec sch friends... i had a wonderful time with all of u. i really loved the hugs. i'm flawed and.... i just cant think properly now.

i had quite a good day at work and thought that this might be a good start. looks like i can't get through the second day. the self absorb feeling is slowly engulfing me. i didn't watch survivor even though i intended to. i dont even know who to talk to be and make sure i wouldn't screw up their life. ok, i'm not as emo as i though i am or feeling now. i'm typing nonsense again. i dont want to spoil anybodys mood tmr and i'm falling sick.

i dont even know what is the real purpose of blogging anymore. its weird. perhaps when blackjetta.blogspot.com close down, i should stop blogging too? i really wish to meet her and know her life. anyone who reads can just comment to me. i feel like an idoit now. i wish someone can just scold me now. so i can stop typing. i cannot control myself. i wish to experience the life of phoon yue chin.

the feeling is on and off. it sucks. when i'm about to come back home, i feel happy. now when i reach home, i feel devestated and think about the next day. i am tired perhaps i shouldn't use the com. perhaps i should stop watching movies/show. to be honest, these shows give me more disappointment than hope. scarlett johansson is so hot when i watched he's just not that into you. i am the same height as her. how pathetic. seth green gives me hope. but he is the only one in 1000000000 people in the world who make it big. making it big doesnt have to be in the media. ok, i'm losing the plot again... phoon yue chin is so beautiful. i'm making myself overexhaust as i'm feeling sleepy right now yet i use the com. ok, i'll try to slp now. good night..

i think in time to come, all i want is to have a partner who is like my mum.....or i wanan try being a girl. i cant live without my mum. how screwed can i be... i always tell her to take care of herself but at the end of the day she is always taking care of the family sacrifacing everything. it hurts but i always cant do anything and sink in deeper and deeper. ok i just teared.

happy birthday pei shan if i didnt sms you at night. sorry. i do not want to spoil the mood of anyones bday. hopefully, i wont.

happy birthday yvonne yeo.

i just cant stop typing.. pardon me. what will happen to rui en and elvin ng. will that happen in real life?

night.

knowing that blackjetta.blogspot.com is closing down makes me feel empty and sad now.

1. i bought my first levis jeans.

2. i thought i was handsome and popular,too complacent and proud in the past thinking that people who couldn't do well in their studies are bound to fail in anything they do in life.

3. i think i got my retribution now that i have to live with it forever. short, ugly and self-centred.

4. intend to start a new blog and leave everything behind once i reach 21.

5. hopefully i can do that and it i know it will be hard because all i did was procastinate and act like a stupid boy who is so superficial and shallow.

6. having the hottest body doesn't mean that you are healthy. fit does not equate to healthy.

7.





i had a pleasant experience in SGH. my mum said i am weird because i wishws that i could stay there longer. these pictures were taken last week and it is healing well. and no, it not as painful as it seems because that caucasian surgeon injected morphine into me. but the itch is killing me. i miss that female surgeon.

8. i doubt that once i start a new blog i will stop raving about the female species.

9. being a doctor is very noble and its not about earning big bucks. kudos and respect them.

10. i'm trying to think properly now but i keep thinking of that female surgeon. ok, time to get ready to go back for appointment. i do not know if i want to see her later because i want to enquire about embarassing question that make me seem stupid.

11. happy birthday cliff! ok, i sound gay but.. i miss you and your antics. like seriously. you're a nice boy. damn! i wanna hug you now.

its very sweet to get nice smses. and i nvr see evon for like a long time. now i feel i'm missing out something when i 'cant' go.

i cant wait for mid 2010 to come and get away from this org.

i wanna be a girl at times.

can anybody tell me or motivate me to do something productive? if only i have the brains of phoon yue chin...

i've got a feeling that 2or 3 or 4 years later i will be still the same as the person i am now. wtf.

ok, i'm so bored i wanna conk off and die.

maybe i'm thinking too much, this org might not be as bad as it seems to be. i'm pessmisitic again, ok bye.

sucks. i hate it but i enjoy talking to the com. wtf. i think i've brain damaged.

a good time to chiong all the tv serial and the books i wanna read these few days since i can't do anything.

good night world. slp early xd,kim and grace.

i wanna buy many pairs of shoes.

onitsuka tiger corsair blue/red/white
adidas vespa white/white
adidas harvard black/white
new balance 1500 white/beige
that pig lining puma shoes i saw beside ngee ann city stadium shop
nike air trainer III blue/white!
nike air yeezy!
nike lunar trainer

and many more! but i cant remmeber them for now or totally cannot afford to buy.
gotta research for formal shoes and running shoes.


oh so high. imagine i wear different shoes on every saturday. it's like for about 1/6 of the year i will be wearing differnet pair of shoes. how cool is that?! wow. time to sleep. i'm totally have a girly side. i love shoes.

shit! i have accidentally click and read part of the unread email xiaode send me regarding the request to felicia chin from him to wish me on my bday two years ago. now i cannot undo the email to unread status! i'm so so so ... first time in the entire two years i have never had the intention to read that email. it was meant to be a surprise forever! how can it happen now.. argh. i am so dumbfounded. ok, time to sleep. i have been offline on msn for an hour reading postsecret and bloggig again.

postsecret




-----Email Message-----
Sent: Sunday, January 25, 2009 8:28 PM
Subject: I feel like you don't want me to know anything about you.

He didn't want to know anything about me because it changed the perfect image he had in his mind of what i should be. so I left him and found someone who likes the flaws.

you know you are not very down to earth person when you do not want to do such job but still get triggered by:

female sales assistant in far east plaza

male assistant in left foot

perm staffs in giordano


i respect them. life is totally not easy.
when i'm worried about being stagnant, fat, or what's not. i'm sure others will also feel the same way. they still take things in their stride. i wonder where do they get such confidence or is it only on the surface?

ok, i'm only on the surface with no substance. i'm f-ed.

i ran yesterday evening. it didn't help me to sleep better. how weird. i slept from 11-3+am and i couldn't fall asleep anymore. now i'm feeling so tired. there is run again later. i know i'm going to be pek cek. should i let it happen? whenever i want to start something good. something always screw up. i can't get enough rest anymore if i can't come back home on thursday.

i wanna blast some loud music now. ok, i'm kind of late. bye.

god bless all.

i am like so high now cos i'm looking at miss selfridge website. hohoho. the clothes are so nice. i wanna be a girl!

changeling
seven pounds
passengers
the reader
the curious case of benjamin button
underworld: rise of the lycans
the wrestler
the woman


i bet anne hatahway is super rich now. she is like starring in every movie.