i dont know how i feel and how can i help others.

instead, it's the other way round cos most people is helping me most of the time. non-applicable to camp mates though.

sometimes, i'm glad i'm 'emotionless' but it is not good cos no matter how hard i try, i can feel the same as the rest.

good night. hope tmr is a new start for everyone surrounding me.

god please bless everyone and help save me to not waste my time in camp waiting for time to pass everyday trying hard not to fall asleep and get reprimanded everyday.

i need someone to teach me how to make unit trust or bond investment cos i dont really understand even though i read it on the internet.

erm, my leg is very itchy now. i don't know if it is the effects of brushing against the sea urchins. my whole right feet is like full of mosquitoes bites, 13 of them and some rashes. but i know it's not because i wore socks the whole day. i hope i won't die of the poisoning.

thanks for the treat. i feel excited sitting in the car. as i was in the car, i was feeling calmed and happy for the both of you as i was visionalising both of you in the tgt in future before i fell asleep and drop my phone. hahaha. it's time to sleep and report sick for my itching leg tomorrow.

if anybody wants to go diving or learn diving, i won't mind joining them going for the diving. but i need time to save up first. oh evon is so sexy, xd is so street-smart, jason is so meticulous. you get to know the other side of the rest on such trip.

there's so many things i wanna do. if i have the talent to sing live like sara wee.. wow.

hope i wont die of heart attack one day cos of lack of slp. night!

need to dive more often and practice my buoyancy because i still cant stay underwater, not above water. my mum seems very surprised when i tell her that i have difficulty staying in water rather than floating up.

this trip made me realised i have a long way to go. i've got alot of things to learn. and i'm kinda confused. i need to be more indepedent. so if one day my mum reads my blog, i hope she will stop doing everything and let me suffer alot to learn.

i saw an example of two good friends though both of them seems to quarrel all the time. i feel happy when i see the both of them like that. its so nice and simple. xd was v good, at least to me cos he saved me so many times and i'm not his main responsibility. his buddy is evon. that's what friends are for. jason was very accomodating especially when i was behaving like a girl. thank you.

sorry for knocking and kicking everybody so many times. when they surface up, i dont know if they are angry or tired and i cant seem to relax.

another 101 reason not to get into a r/s now cos i cant even take care of myself. when i try to help, i'm creating more trouble and feel as if i'm an attention whore. wow.

i've got not much to share cos second half the time while the rest was touching the sea animals, i was struggling to sink down. -.-

god bless all.

it's so weird i don't feel excited at all. why?

i just read an article about angelina jolie cutting herself cos she dont feel emotionally connection to anyone. i'm feeling the same way.

i am screwed. watching cruel temptations always leave me feeling very tight in my chest i dont know why. i tear but i cant never seem to cry. sometimes i feel the tears in my eyes are forced out or i still can feel for others. i dont know if i'm fake or real.

god bless all.

wow. justin biber looks kinda cute for his age. i bet girls all over the world is swooning over him. his voice is mesmerising... like a baby. too bad we're of same gender. if not....

it seems like i've lost track of the lastest music since oens, time to keep up with the lastest music.

lazy and tired to read the book which i didnt read for two weeks. hope i can pass the test though i was told it answers can be copied (must copy from right person).

feel like sleeping now but i'm listening to 98.7fm. it feel so good to listen to radio and i'm beginning to like desiree lai though i haven't listen to her dj before.. so cool i wanna be a deejay now.

i respect all the other young stars espcially miley cyrus. so young yet so talented and mature. vocal trainer on american idol. oh miley, will you marry me?
:D

driving tmr, it's kinda depressing i'm stuck at vertical parking and i dunno how to do directional change anymore at lesson 16. sad case. :(

some called me to call them and then try to exaggerate things by making it as if it is so important or difficult but in actual fact it is not..

now i know why am i so stupid but i've lost all the common sense or the ability to think because whatever others said are "common sense" and they try to confuse me and trick me.

dear god, please discharge me from the army soooon and help to relief some pain from my grandma. i hope my parents wont be like her when they're older.

i always agree on something before i realise that i'm being taken advantage of especially duty. this is the army. army mates will say how much they cover my ass just because they talk well while i always keep my mouth shut and do the work. the way they talk to superior is as if they are their friend. i still draw a very clear line between superior, friend and army mate. maybe i shldn't do so to make my life easier.

wake my bloddy idea up and being to vain is of no use. somethings are best to be left natural. i feel too perfect in some areas now. i think my mum is disappointed with me and wonder why she have such a son who doesnt behave like a man.

all i am now is because of what i have done to myself and i wish i can turn back the time.

please dont laugh at me when you see me the next two months. i hope everything will be ok. on a sidenote, even though it looks weird but i'm glad it grew back. please dont treat me like a freak if you see me in trunks.

i hope it doesnt rain heavily this fri to monday.

god bless all.

i want to update seomthing but i gotta go for my driving leson now hopefully i can remmeber what i wanna write in the next entry. i cant wait to get out of the army and i hate it i wish i dont ever step into any military camp anymore after this. sigh.

if i'm going to have chronic ankle pain or arthritis . i'm going to curse and swear at all the doctors who have diagnose me before. i'm going to hate all of them forever especially the army. gdi.

listening to 98.7FM on the computer makes me happy. wow. i feel young like during lower secondary school days which i love. and 98.7fm djs are so cool. i miss jamie yeo and carrie chong.

fearless by taylor swift makes me super happy. yeah.

my moood is being lifted now but i can only use my sis's laptop till 10pm.

i bought something that i kinda regretted and that sum of money can be put to better use like buying a pair of nike cross training shoes on sale now. i always buy things that i kind of regret except for footwear and my green hooded sweater.

it's weird how i can lend double of this amount of money to people and dont feel as sad compared to the thing i bought when they dont bother returning it back to me. but i will never ever trust this person again.

i need to seek help. lots of it. moleskine or not? to write what i feel/think on the bus which i can't recall any single thing now.

this week is kind of a good week because those kids dont have to go school. so bus is less crowded.

bye before i get super tired (which i am already lack of slp)

so much things to say but don't know who will really care abt everything. anyway, it's mostly complains. few more months and life might change. hopefully for the better and i will be able to adapt to it cos i' ma stubborn mule. working from the stratch again. money is f-ing important, so is appearance, fitness and health.

somethings in life, you must try to let things fade and find something new to replace it and bring you to the next level. i think all business think this way, isn't it? i still need to learn to be more flexible. army mates are not colleagues, they can be friend. i'm taking a small step this sat though that is not the life i would want to lead.

the song on grace's blog is very soothing.

why no one have faith in making sports as a career?

i am not a person who diversify, i focus on one thing and this is not enough to ensure survival in this world now. it sucks. everyone is so multi-talented.


god bless all.

Some people have stretch mark on their body, some have chickpox scar,etc some are so brave to wear two piece, some wear skimpy trunks. I still find them sexy and for the guys alright... But I just can't accpet myself to be less than perfect. Or am I too horny that almost every lady 'look attractive'. No offence evon, I don't't mean you're just one of the girls but you're more than an eye-candy. I don't need to be perfect now, I just want to be normal and not ugly but some thins done can't be undone unless I have lots of money to go operation. My legs and thighs which are my only assets are ruined by me. I really hate myself. Who really like me? I'm not handsome neither am I smart or rich. Now you got to have at least 2 of the 3 to survive. It's so difficult to even feel good. Bye.

Writing it down here that evon is kinda of attractive in her wet spag/shorts and dressing today. Kinda like very casual young girl and I like the denim shorts the most cos of the stars design at the back pocket. Xd don't kill me okay.

Two of my superiors bday fall on the same day as me. So there's 6 person I know who share e same bday as me. I couldn't fall asleep yesterday and kept waking up every few hours. I thought of mich, evon, yc. I just realised my english grammar sucks becaue I don't know is it wake up every few hour or wake up every few hours. Diving is so tiring. I feel like sleeping now but I scared I can't sleep tonight. I can feel the after effect of staying in the sun and now I'm sunburn. My face is starting to get red. I feel so ugly now even though there is so many people who saw my scars and ugly tan though they didn't talk about it. I think even if I prositute myself for 25dollars, no one will even want to f me. How pathetic a useless male horny slut I can be. Sometimes I wonder how some people can have such nice figure even though they don't have to exercise much like mich and kw. I scared I might get slapped or scolded and might embarrass someone if I said it face to face to her in front of others so I'm writing it down here that u're kinda

Just came back from the market after having shredded chicken porridge. Walked around for abt 20mins. There's such a big crowd. Some of the children are helping out. It's so nice to see that. Being a housewife is not easy. Gotta wake up so early and do marketing before 6.30am. Then I thoguht how nice will it be if I go do marketing with my partner in future, cook together eat together. Just the basic. There's so many essential thing to do in life but I always wanted to achieve more than just marketing, being happy, etc. Cos this is a real wordl. Money counts. Those food sellers are just part of the society, not to be look down upon but they don't earn much. Saw dad at e market too, his grey hair triggered how much he've aged... More than my mum. I want to dabble in stock to earn money. I eed advice on what shld I study in uni. I need to know my passion, but I don't. I love myself too much that I wanna stay in my comfort zone but once my parents leave, I'm worse than anyone who is struggling to earn a living, why is angelina jolie earning so much when she is not that pretty. But she's very charming and so much she's done for the third world country. I'm dfirting out of topic I can't rememeber what I wanna say initially. I know that I hope you're doing fine right now even if u don't want to reply my email. I'm done with my constipation now. Shall try to go back to sllep. Tc all.

Hope you girls enjoy your movie later and have a good heart to heart talk. Tc ps... I've not mood to do my physio exercises today. Perhaps gd night? Anyway, local uni application is on till 21feb. Perhaps I'll update again tmr.

My laptop broke down abt 3weeks ago so I seldom use the net so frequent. There's so many things to say. But... Ok. I'll be happy for u if u passed your driving today or ytd. Evon thx for your comment. I was surprised that someone commented on my blog. Thx annoymous. Whoever u are for the article that I just read. Maybe u can email me and tell me who u are, I'll be v grateful. My heart sank when I read it just now. I always thought I've irritated her so shw don't wanna reply to my emails or messages. My heart sank I didn't know what to do but I know now that it's more of a concern for someone than 'love". I still envy her. I'm not as "worried" or keep thinking abt her. I just hated myself for being selfish and only thinking abt myself. I keep asking yong zhen if he have mild seven cos its the pack that she posted on her blog. Its in my conscious though I never think of her so much. Coincidentally, I wrote her name down during the seminar course just now. But its not love I don't know what. Ok I'm ranting again.

zw. am i the one who pissed you off by the previous post? if i am, i'm sorry.

saw two girls on the bus this morning. thye look like sisters or maybe good friend. nice skin, average looking but i really wont look at them a second time if not for their big bag and clothing.... they shared a bottle of water together, yawn together. probably working together. so sweet when they look out and take care of each other.

keep in mind try to listen to others cause i have forgotten how to do that but only complain and f people through the years.

friends is not easy.

ok, can feel that i'm having fever soon.
night before i faint or shit/fart/die in the parade tmr.

suddenly i'm so scared i will be paralysed and i know i cant be as fit as before plagued by injuries especially when i see zibin and chee keng like that i should be lucky. but i can't. i hate it that i cant perform to my potential. have been playing soccer without thinking for years since i think i am quite good caused me and my friends to be stagnant.

felt like a gigolo few moments back...

no. i dont need a gf but someone who can make me less slutty a better person.

i'm typing too much. bye.

last year:
ankle recovery
join more races
less abdominal fats
more happy (glad that i feel i'm more myself around poly friends)
stop thinking of those two vicious cycle
grow taller
no signing on (comfortable but scary thought when i think of it)
be myself in front of more people (but not irritating them)
give hugs to more people esp kw,evon and 2/6 people (friends and family)
phuket or some other place close to nature overseas
people around me to be happy
love myself
health of parents
maybe stargirl
maybe driving?


only 1 completely done. still fighting the other one unless i ord already for 1-2years. there are two half done. one cancelled last minute but it is okay if not i wouldn't have so much fun during christmas with co3.

people around me to be happy
health and life of family
love myself
build stronger bond among old friendship
healtheir and fitter
be myself in front of others
be happy and less temperamental
be less horny (still dont understand why most of the girls are pretty)
driving?
more savings
ankle recovery;check up on my right ankle (but it is already almost 2 years will it be the same again?)
take care of my back and right knee
go to somewhere close to nature overseas
learn a new sport
gf?
study uni?

hello huiyu. hahahaha. thank you. see you. good night. i am so weird and happy and this is a good start to 2010 hopefully.

i dreamt of ying jia on two consecutive days and i dreamt of president nathan too.

i . omg so much to blog. i am v happy now. i need to sleep. bye bye.

Happy birthday yvonne, connie jie jie and felicia and god bless all. I'm listening to love song by sara ???? Now. So cool. Gonna walk the whole amk hub now. See ya.

I'm at ang mo kio hub now after visit causeway point. Kinda happy when I reach here but the feel is gone. I saw ying jia's friend elaine twice less than 5mins ago. Haha. Too bad I don't have twitter and bolackberry curve 3G sucks.

i am all complain and no action. so i lose most thing.

dangerous world. diffffernt. selfishness. sherlock holmes is so good. smart yet emotionless guy. watson is better but how many of us can be like him. he is jude law.


ok. i am back to my old self. i jsut want to grumble to the royal rumble and tumble all the bummers.

fine young man... hahaha.

http://sg.news.yahoo.com/afp/20091227/tap-yachting-australia-record-5a1703c.html

what a brave girl.



everyday was fun since christmas except for yesterday when i got kind of moody and today.

i cant wait to finish my service and then probably rot and die somewhere else far far away. struggling and alll.

then again i am sure i will be regretting why didnt i spend my time wisely and not give up so easily.

well. screw it.

u can drive illegally , jsut dont get caught. if not cycle.

msn,yahoo news, blog, girls, boys, then the cycle repeat.

swimming, flu, sleep, bored, run, think, irritated, then the cycle repeat.

how do you earn lots of money?

no one will help you if you dont help yourself. no one cares.

even those who care cant really help.

bye.

my sis is helping out as a rep, and i knwo its not easy. but i didnt give up much help yet give her the cant be bothered attitude. still talk to her, but dont care enough because i'm so caught up with myself. it is the thought that counts. sometimes i dislike giving presents or receiving present.

why cant we jsut be happy and dispense with the formality?

can there be still be surprises and fun without monotony?

being too happy and then you feel so alone the next day sucks. i dont want to dampen my sec sch friends later, i still look forward to it but i dont know what i can do or buy or ???? to make it more happening and lively later. i feel so tired now but i want to go swim. but i wont be sleeping much tonight i supposed. i feel wierd my family is not celebrating. and guilty.

what is life?
what shld i do?

i am a happy boy today because xmas is so good just now. i can say i'm truly happy though still bothered (but not as much as before). this is more the real me though it is attention seeking. or if i have offended anyone, i'm sorry.

how i wish i can hang out with chee heng deborah kevin eugene ivan, etc like that and play some card games, etc. it will be fun.

i like yingjia shoes and match with her ali baba bottom. so nice. her shoes is better though. so prettty.

i can't wait for tomorrow 2/6 peeps. hotel stay, cool. it is like something i always wanted. how i wish all of my friends know each other and i own a 5000sqft 3 storey bungalow with a fireplace heater and lots of snow outside. and a few organiser to help me cos i dont know how to organiser and it is super tired to do so.

but i wish i can spend more such time with my family. mum is so i dont know what to say. i scare i will be unfilial. female are so powerful being, their love transcend everything. i hope i wont screw up if i get married some day.

i cant really get to sleep because i dont know who i can really share my joy with right now and i really need to get it out of my chest. i know mum is happy for me, but she is different. now i know how it sucks to be lonely, you dont need to be in love but you need a v good friend whom u know you can tell everything and it comfortable with you plus the feel/chemistry.

hope i dont fall sick. i seems to have recover but i can feel fever is coming.

i wanna make my eyebrow, i wanna wax my legs because its becoming like a monster, so ugly, so unsightly stubble. lucky i'm a guy. but my mum says that is not manly and gayish so no girl will like me. so many regrets and mistake.

i hope everyone had fun just now.

gd night.

hope i wont fall any sicker during this season. god bless all.

merry xmas! :)

shopping is fun and nostalgia, but not alone or in a big group. i realised i will only buy things while shopping on my own, not in a big group.

hope someday i will get acquainted to rachel tan. i saw someone like her just now but i didnt know if it was her. you can imagine how freaking scary it is when someone approach you(you're not a celebrity) and know so much abt you when you know nothing about him. i'm glad i didnt do that. i became a muddlehead after that such that i didnt know how to get out of ngee ann city to the bus stop. i can visualise watching netball matches with her till old. ok, i digressed.

kids are cute. i still like the 1.5yr old caucasian boy whom i saw yesterday. kim wei can witness that. isnt he cute? so big and adorable.

ok. shout out to chee heng though you dont know that my blog exists. i love you. i hope i dont scare you by being so enthusiastic just now. patient,melvin. baby steps are needed to forge back the old r/s.

sorry, i recognise you because you look like gwen stefani with red lipstick on, not cos of your acting talent. you are one of the few ladies who look so good with red lipstick. i feel like watching girl interrupted again and take more notice on you. rip brittany murphy.

second day, way to go. :)

i am glad that * confided in me though i have no experience at all or is giving some bullshit advice. i'm thankful that u trust me so much even though we seldom talk or meet up. i wont judge you, at least for now because i know who you are.

matters of heart are so complicated. i'm glad i am not totally into it. i still prefer soccer, alot of ME time, want ot learn scuba diving, do bungee jump, travel alone, but of cos i yearn to find the other significant half.

am i just selfish or socially awkward when i dont ask people to try my food first. is that a social etiquette or i am real screwed up? perhaps i still havent learn how to share my love. perhaps i need to learn to love myself much more first.

ok. the last paragraph was redundant cos it is crap and unncessary. i just need to type it out. at least i recognise what is truthful and what is not.

i want to get to know p better for it is something... i recognise i shldnt be typing here as it will be redudant and not truthful but back to my old self.

it is tiring to initiate a convo and i think iwas given many chances. need to learn how to sustain a topic. i got to try harder... esp with the boys cos i just cant do anything when i see them. i envy a sometimes. cos he can liven up the atmosphere and not scare to make a fool out of himself. is it my ego or i just dont want others to look at the 'bad' side of me?

ok. bye. i am being back to my oldself again so i shall stop here and end my conversation with z on msn and go to sleep. hope tmr will be a better day. i am so dead now that i am left with less than 7hrs of slp, hope i wun be shag later. no excuses not to try harder even if i dont succeed. shall slp not later than 12am tmr night.

it was that day that i spent it with chee heng, kevin, deborah and ivan made me feel the need to change. to be closer to friends and all.

i restrained myself on weds but it just came back on thurs. i guess i'll take it slowly but steadily one thing at a time.

probably thursday is the 'last workday' of the year, i went to camp happily(one of the very rare times) despite having to wake up earlier waiting in the rain to pass yong zhen his camp pass though he was slightly late. it just happeneed that all the older songs that i like was playing when i was on the bus and it lived up my mood. i didnt have to act and enjoyed the music then i started to think of my life, friends. chee heng/deborah, kevin, ivan, eugene, jiayi, grace , kim wei, mich, evon, xiaode, chin wei, 2/6 pple as a whole, what i wanna do, etc.

i dreamt of rosanne on weds night. it is kind of silly how i try to go to espirit just to hope to see her there during poly days and when i tried to get julian hee signature for her when he was there in the shop. we seldom talk now. i think she is still atteched now.

there is this blog i wanan share though there is this saga abt her going on. she is very attractive and her character really shines out. i have been reading it since yesterday.
http://daphneiking.blogspot.com

i hope xmas is good and i can spend lots of time with my friends and family and still get to do what i like best. hopefully life will be better for family when i finish ns.

god bless all.

i need change. to do something. slowly but surely. hopefully.

been receiving inspirational quotes everyday (free service by M1).

the difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of strength, not lack of knowldege, but rather a lack in will - vince lombardi

was happy yesterday. the feeling with chee heng , kevin, deborah and ivan is totally different. its so fun but i still think and feel that i am extra. they make me feel welcomed but...... perhaps i'm thinking too much.

i need a restraining order from blogging or msn messenger and i wonder who can help me.

what she said made sense but i do always ignore what she said and dont put it into action. and she started to ask me to be honest with myself. am i really honestlying willing to change or am i just bluffing myself? now she knows part of the reason is to get away from camp. so what's next? how do i forgo everything and start afresh? feels like a loser though i am already am at the losing end for the past 6 yrs.

beatrice tan seems so nice and perfect. i wonder how can she be her when there is so many distractions. admire her.

bye before i talk shit again. ok, i did amend a few sentences and talked shit.

couples retreat was good. i always dig such romance movies.
i'll definitely want to watch valentines' day cos there is julia roberts, jennifer garner, jessica alba, ashton kutcher, topher grace and many more.

aspire to be like jennifer garner and ben affleck, gwen stefani and gavin rossdale. or perhaps i will never be.


i think acting shld be fun, but i'm not trained in it and i think i view it different from those hollywood actors/actresses. i respect them.

outfield with reservists was fun/sucky/etc.
they freaking camo super fast, do everything super fast.
i cant imagine gg thru that for another 10yrs.
reading kw's blog but too stone to really fully understand or doubt i will ever understand.
xd reminded me of stargirl.
and then it reminds me of yc not replying to my emails anymore.

went shopping with sis and am glad she is beginning to learn how to dress up and all. how excited she was when she like that fox dress thingy. but it is just too exp. glad for her. and when i see the shirts, it reminded me of yc.

havent read sec sch friendsb lolg yet. it seeems that i dont read blog often anymore neither do i update. good or bad.

moleskine but i dont know if it helps me or my penned up feelings will not work after few months becuase there isn o one to talk to.

disappear seems good becuase i dont feel that i have anyone even if they say till will be there for me cos i dont think i will even be there for myself. crazy.

starting afresh is best. sonija kwok is so pretty. i like her character in walk on the beat. i like doesnt mean that i can get. cos it is a preference. everything will be different if i am not competent.

oh well, i jsut wanna do what i want.. as in enjoy what i am doing, have enough to survive. then start to earn abit more. and hope everything will go smoothly. first step is hard. enjoy what i do. be happy.

ok. gotta stop cos i jsut realised pple will be reading and so i am going to start my shit. bye. sleep now to replenish the lsot of sleep the past 4 days.

oh yes, some reservists guy are hot and cute and nice. like wow esp that young lieutanant. i got his number when he called me to run errand but i havent save. wow. ok, i sound super gay now.

bye.

the only reason why i'm on msn cos of xiaode and not xiang sheng. it's irritating me. now i know why yue chin doesnt talk to me after awhile. i am so fucked up, now i realise. i dont know if he still envy me or what. or if he sense me being hotsile to him. i reall hope he dont do that to others cos it will irrittate the shit out of them. i havent email yue chin for close to 2mths, its getting kind of alright not to talk (read:irritate) her. still think of her soemtimes, and it can be sweet to see her wide smile on facebook. i hope she is doing well. i dont mean it now not cos i'm bnlgogging and people is reading but in my heart when i'm on the bus or walking alone or just have thoughts of her, i hope she is happy eating properly.

ok, i need to slp before i fuck up further.

bintan, i dont know ifi 'm lookng forward towards it but still. i hope it wont screw up. pls dont judge my scars on my back, face, ass, thigh. i am happy to be with them even though i dont talk much or play soccer or not understanding half of what they say half the time.

sometimse i htink the organisation is screwed up. sometimes i think i am screwed up. now i'm feeling abit fucked up. and because of what was said yesterday and during sunday's night dinner for ye ye's bday.

i get irritated easily. i hate to lose to feel lousy. i hate to be imperfect not like this girl i saw in the bus where she had a nice body i supposed with flawless skin and no scar. my skin is getting worse. i shld not complain and what fuck or not i dont care. this is my blog. i am solo, selifsh, bastard , whatever i dont care.

join the osama clan perhaps.

i hate my back. i hate being dirty everyday with grease,oil, hurting back. i cant have good sex. i cant please my partner. i cant turn properly or bring the ball over smoothly without straining my back. i can do well in sprots industry. i dont have money. i need to plan. i dont know hwo to start, where to save and when i want to start other things fuck me up mentally. i cant do a sit up without feeling painful. megan fox can rape me anyday.

F.

i need to focus. bye.

i hate god sometimes.

donated blood for the first time last friday. wasnt as scary as i thought though it hurts a little and felt so weirdly uncomfortable when the blood is draw into the packet for that few minutes.iiits coming to the end of the year, and its christmas. siloso beach party. i shld have let jy and evon dunk me half naked into pool thingy last year. wasnt spontaneous enoguh was too self conscious now i dont think i can ever let them do it anymore.

what can i do from now till 10am?

call up driving instructors?
exercise?
my entire arm and chest hurts for 3days after 2 sets of 30. result of not doing any push ups for 2-3mths. how weak can i be.

ok.bye.

when you are 13 and 3cm shorter, u can do it in 10.30
when you are 21 and 3cm taller, u barely make it thru with 11.50
when most people did it in sub 2hr, and you cant even do half that length.

could have normal skin like others but due to my perfectionist nature, i ruined it and made it worse. maybe if i slept more and not do my homework religiously even though i dont know what i was doing hoping that miracle will happen, i might have grew taller.

maybe maybe maybe. maybe i shld be a femalel. dreaming. why this why that? why get defineed by a piece of paper? why? what will happen if i becoem a parent? how can i help my children to find their strength asap? enrol them into millions of programmes? let them do what they want and figure it themselves?

since it's been screwed why still think of it? why not improve or other thigns and everything will fall in nicely in time to come.

i think both of them will put some people to shame.

gwen stefani: singer, mother of two, 40, starts work like almost immediately after pregnancy, amazing abs, $26mil in 2007.





natalia vodianova: supermodel, mother of three, 27, had a difficult childhood, blessed with amazing body, almost $5mil in 2007, founder of charity foundation.



since i cant be extraodrinary, i shld try to learn how to enjoy the simple pleasure of life. so what people say, i shld fuck it unless it makes sense? then again, nothing makes sense because everything is grey.

i hope i can roller blading later though the last time i did was still around the 'training area'. weird. tanning sessioon at the pool now?

this taiwanese show is pissing people off. it is very endearing but no one in this world will let this happen cos most of us will be doing something about it before this happens. it has to be like total coincidence for it to happen. but for me to become as fucked up as guocongmin is easy. so soemtimes watching this show is bad for me.

meet up with zhi hao on fri. it's been years since we sit down and have a properl meal together. played soccer with him too. i'm glad that chee heng, zhi hao and i was in a team just now. soccer dont mean as much as before now, being a the same team feels better. cliff and zhi hao are police colleagues. such a small world.

i feel like moving out. i find it kind of messy. my apretns and our slping time and our hoseu environment. at the same time, i can be real indepedent, wash clothing, settles meals, doing housekeeping, paying bills all on my own = less meeting out, less budget for bdays. i feel like leaving sg. i hate my scars. i feel so ashamed of it but it is my fault. i cant play soccer half naked like the rest. there is nothing much left for me now that can or will keep in this country. no one will love me. even so , i dont feel it. i need to achieve something to feel good.

time to slp. lie on bed 10pm every ngith since thursday but i am always waking up almsot every hour thru the night. this sucks.

pls click the close button on the right if you feel uncomfortable with me discussing abt topics related to sex or think that i'm horny right now but i am not.

i jsut wonder how it feels to be a female pornstar. their life and all. i would want to experience it before passing remarks on them. being topless and washing cars is not degrading in my opinion as long you dont get the wrong idea or just keep thinking of getting the pants of those models because it is natural to be naked. we shldn't be ashame of our body but feel very comfortable in our skin.

scubadive.
skydive.
bungee.

love self before you can love others.

wonder yc came here to club or work. i didnt stop by orchard since fri till now. supposed she might fly back already.

good night.

using a blackberry that was found and unregistered sucks.

10pm. I was lying on bed. Things on my mind run wild. I couldn't sleep till now. But I'm really very tired after today's swim. Perharps I didn't exercise enough till the extent such that I can KO immediately. Those kids especially the girl in blue and the boy with ronaldo world cup hairstyle swam so well I felt ashamed of myself.
Ece



D









I


I
Trf

10pm. I was lying on bed. Things on my mind run wild. I couldn't sleep till now. But I'm really very tired after today's swim. Perharps I didn't exercise enough till the extent such that I can KO immediately. Those kids especially the girl in blue and the boy with ronaldo world cup hairstyle swam so well I felt ashamed of myself.
Ece

D









I


I
Trf

hopefully when i write this entry. i will not revert back to who i am who type all those crap....

i've realised how such a procastinator and how much i pissed peopel off when i complain, justify myself, etc. i need to thank this army friend who kind of keeps thinking i'm very good and made me realised i was (amybe still am) such a person to phoon yc. now i know how irritating i can be. some things cant be forced. soem things you dont have to try too hard.

it was great to see poly friends yesterday. i thought it would be very awkward but it was still a fun bunch. i still didn't take initiative.

i still adore beatrice tan, claire jedrek and annoymously check out the profile of others whom i adore.... hopefully, someday, oneday, soon i will not need to do that again. when the tiem comes, this will mean that i've become a more secure person.

god bless all.

puay tze, thanks for the steamboat treat. :)

happy 40th birthday gwen stefani.

and also the other oct babies: pt, alex, xd, grace, cw, yy.

you know you're screwed when ms singapore can run 10km in 67mins.

sometimes i wonder how they can go thru life after the pagant or whatever competition and lead a normal life yet again. how can they be so down to earth i wanna know. i need to learn from them. but then again, they're so beautiful and they know that only more opportunities will come. they wont starve. not saying they're bimbos cos i know they're all graduates from uni. prolly 2X smarter than me.

its so sunny and by the time i reach the pool the sun will set and i cant tan anymore.

wtf if i can run faster than her. she's so beautiful and have so much more to offer to the world or whatever thing than me.

sometimes i wonder what will happen if u put a long scar across the face or body of beautiful people. or what if they aren't born with the looks. how their life will change. worse than mine or ?

fing off from the com to do something outdoors amd save myself b4 its too late.

i'm so pissed off with the trojan horse thingy cos i cant solve it.

i cant meet kelly,andeline and all cos it'll be 9+pm once i reach there and it makes no sense for me to see them for 15mins and all the rush i need to go through. i want to see them but i havent shwoered or eat or anything.

i havent had my dinner.

i havent hydrated myself properly today.

i'm so bored.

i'm so tired yet i cant sleep.

i feel liek going for a run but it's a exercise day tmr.

i dislike what my mum cooked for dinenr today.

i dun know if i pissed her off again or something. i jsut cant stop complaining. hopefully she's just a busy wonderwoman these few days.

i didnt sleep well yesterday.

i feel very itchy and dirty but its a waste of water if i'm gg to shwoer b4 i run.

my muscle cant heal and i'm not imporving if i do not have inadequate rest due to lack of slp and adding mroe stress to it tmr.

now i think i shld have ignore all my homework in the past and jsut go to slp because i'm not a scholar . hard work doesnt pay.

i'm so screwed. i feel like buying a new computer/laotop now and use this one as a punching bag now.

i need someone special to save me.
i need salvation.
i need to change my life.
i cant type much because right now i'm typing to atract attention and this sucks.

there was this girl in the bus who was talking to her friend and it makes perfect sense and i realised i've been so fake.

or denstined to lead a lonely path?

no i'm not emoing. definitely. i cant apprecaite pple who care cos i dun feel special, jsut someone a fridn to them.

everything is getting meaningless.

ok, i'm f ing it up again. bye.

ok, sidetrack. i was looking at my back in the mirror durign showers and it reminds me of yj spine. idk why. but i like her spine. its really sexy.

hk was fun. might post pictures when i get hem and sought the permission from my friends. sorry peishan i didnt reply ur sms cos i didnt know what to reply afraid that it will trigger u to be more sad.

k, i cant be bothered but only to attract people attention to know how different i am in real and behind the com but i dunno what the hell is it beneficial to me. more like helping others to know my weakpoint, the more f up/scary/horny/disillusional/whatever f side of me .

i shldnt even start typing becos i cant stop now.





























































































































f up.

today's miss sng's bday.
today's stefanis sun's concert.
today's exactly 10mths before most of my friends ....
today's 1yr and 10+ days before i can f off frm e org.
i cant wait for stefanie's sun bday next year.

it taught me not to dream but to live for others and get slapped back on the face.
it taught me how to feed the ego/pride of others.
it taught me to treasure time.
it makes me feel worse than usual.
i totally do not have respect for e org.

if possible, e birthplace of my sons, anywhere else but not here.

happy belated kelly and joanne.

lifes f up.

suck it in and give 2years to them. yc said. still trying. i havent talk to her in awhile.

not eanring money on a sat, neither am i 'enjoying' myself but wasting life at home cos i got to suck it in.

i cant control my anger management. i secretly think that i can pick up fighting fast and have thoughts of taking up so i can vent my anger. i miss punching the everlast in the hotel.

spore is so $%^&*(.

there's alot to learn from Padma Lakshmi. i think she's really beautiful.... and sexy.

wasted my sunday. wait and wait. fucked up weather. wasting my time. perhaps its time to consider doing things that doesnt involved anyone. no more team sports? needa think of how to earn big money. every man for himself. but still gotta get help from others. socialisation. whatever.

sometimes love ain't enough. it will never be.

i can't control the urge to type. hence, there's this entry.

i can't differentiate what is feel and think. 'm

and no, it's not emo. i still can't imagine what's going to happen next if i do change. and in some ways i'm comfortable with what i have now though i claim its not enough cos i want more. i want to try many things. i wanna hit rock bottom but afraid that i cant get up. or neither do i want to be 'traumatised' my whole life. awnt to be there for everyone, but i knwo i'm not that selfless enough to die for anyone. ok, running late. gtg before i get punished.

perhaps i have been always looking for a surrogate elder sister or mother. that's why i never find love. that aside.... i'm so glad and felt so lucky that yue chin replied my email. i just read it for the second time because i cant really fully process everything right now. i'm feeling very tired and even though i'm not i might not understand it fully too. this shows she's so much more mature than me? i am tearing and i dont know what is the exact reason.

Dillon said that by reading blackjetta.blogspot.com, it makes me feel that i have a connection with her. a false one. it hit me right on the spot and kept me thinking. it have been a rough week. i succeeded in making myself high by listening to ipod every moring on the way to work only to feel all empty again once i reach the workplace.

i hope she sleeps tonight. it's just harming her health. i wonder if i reply tomorrow will she reply back? on a happier note, tomorrow is friday.

i wanted to write about how a lady working for prudential apporach me at lot 1 and rave about her but i guess i will not do that today. i saw g and k too, but they didnt see me. oh haha. this is what love birds do to you.

god bless all.
night.

felt v sad again when i read phoon yc's entry.
talking to jiayi now, but i'm more of like stoning.
syncing my ipod...
and i dont know if i should just tell her, like it might add on more to her problem?
i so wanted to talk about myself, but i was suppressing it. now i just dont know what ot talk. the conversation is getting awkward and i think i'm being a spoilsport and i cant advise her on any job offers.
i am typing this right now assuming she doesnt read my blog. and if she does, i dont know. i just got a feeling she might read this.

ok, i lost my plot.

it's still all about me afterall.

i just hope blackjetta.blogspot.com will never close down. i wanted to copy and paste the entries in MS word so i can read through them again in future. but there's too much to do, and i dont have the heart to do so. reading the archive gives me a better understanding. she is the coolest/most beautiful/most unpretentious female blogger ever. through her blog, i know what is moleskine and begin to have interest in shoes. i idolise her in many ways and just wanna follow her. perhaps its really time for her to move on for herself, just wanna wish her all the best in whatever she do.

pictures from her blog..



isn't she pretty?

m1 bills doesnt show the talktime usage and it always irritates me. it is getting more and more expensive again... ahhh. kinda regret getting the rebate which spreads over 2yrs which i signed last july. i cant wait to change to another line. i cant remember the reason why i chose m1 but ok... i'm happy for now. i needa get out of the house soon before the feeling comes back. and i do feel more and more lost whenever i am alone on days like this. if only i could exercise right now!

orchard to buy stuff to protect my new gadget,
go borders to visit ps and read a good book?
watch a movie?
and i dont know who to ask out thought i have someone in mind... but...

just read yj's blog and for the first time in a long time, i feel happy for her rather than being envious. yeah!

she's away on msn and i wanna talk but i dont know how to start. ok, i dunno, still scared. i shall stop using the com. dont rain pls.

i was lucky and so later is a free day for me! yeah.

i think having optimism is a good way to start. ah, just starting to 'debate' with my mum about keep a blog and providing too much personal info.

ah, i've try to think of the positive side the past few days and i was happy and then good things happen though we got lectured. hope to continue to do so, hoping to change to a better person. does it work this way? being happy will bring all the good things? but i'm still scared i will grow so fat and unhealthy and i fear for the future again. i need to hurry recover and go exercise. but staying in the office is also very cool except....

oh, GT! i just read your blog and it reminded me of sat night when i smile to you and you smile back because u know what i was thinking/doing..... now i get so excited i can't slp! i supposed its a good thing better than emoing now.

to sec sch friends: if you saw the photos on the facebook, i didn't mean to hide anything. i was seriously thinking what should i get because i could only get one and was undecided. i didn't expected or knew beforehand that both wishes were fulfilled by poly mates. i think this is the power of blog? macs was good, just that i had to work the next day. i think i need h2h talk with u all another time soon. i still love you all.

i really had a wonderful bday and i dont know what to say. i need to learn to stop finding which i have been doing all these years because i have a grps of friends who love me for who i am.

i need to focus on my mental well-being for now. sorry if i seem rude on the net when i say good night and go offline immediately as i needa rid of hiding behind the com so often.

i know knwos about gadgets and i have been on the com since 9+pm figuring out how to use itunes. stupid i know. hahahaha. i'm learning. take it slow and steady.

i think i was seeking attention all along. sorry. ignore my entries because they are not my 100% true feelings . i dont even know what i am doing. i hope i wont wake up to be so tired because i know i cant wake up feeling refreshinig. i didnt have this feeling for year(s).

stupid but i dont know if this shld be the last entry.

my hands are always so itchy that i'll try to put a mark to almost every pimple on my face. and i really look horrible when i see the mirror. now i wonder how stefanie sun get all her motivation,strength and willpower from.

reading blackjetta.blogspot.com makes me have mixed feelings again though i dont understand today's entry.

i wanna thank all my poly friends and sec sch friends... i had a wonderful time with all of u. i really loved the hugs. i'm flawed and.... i just cant think properly now.

i had quite a good day at work and thought that this might be a good start. looks like i can't get through the second day. the self absorb feeling is slowly engulfing me. i didn't watch survivor even though i intended to. i dont even know who to talk to be and make sure i wouldn't screw up their life. ok, i'm not as emo as i though i am or feeling now. i'm typing nonsense again. i dont want to spoil anybodys mood tmr and i'm falling sick.

i dont even know what is the real purpose of blogging anymore. its weird. perhaps when blackjetta.blogspot.com close down, i should stop blogging too? i really wish to meet her and know her life. anyone who reads can just comment to me. i feel like an idoit now. i wish someone can just scold me now. so i can stop typing. i cannot control myself. i wish to experience the life of phoon yue chin.

the feeling is on and off. it sucks. when i'm about to come back home, i feel happy. now when i reach home, i feel devestated and think about the next day. i am tired perhaps i shouldn't use the com. perhaps i should stop watching movies/show. to be honest, these shows give me more disappointment than hope. scarlett johansson is so hot when i watched he's just not that into you. i am the same height as her. how pathetic. seth green gives me hope. but he is the only one in 1000000000 people in the world who make it big. making it big doesnt have to be in the media. ok, i'm losing the plot again... phoon yue chin is so beautiful. i'm making myself overexhaust as i'm feeling sleepy right now yet i use the com. ok, i'll try to slp now. good night..

i think in time to come, all i want is to have a partner who is like my mum.....or i wanan try being a girl. i cant live without my mum. how screwed can i be... i always tell her to take care of herself but at the end of the day she is always taking care of the family sacrifacing everything. it hurts but i always cant do anything and sink in deeper and deeper. ok i just teared.

happy birthday pei shan if i didnt sms you at night. sorry. i do not want to spoil the mood of anyones bday. hopefully, i wont.

happy birthday yvonne yeo.

i just cant stop typing.. pardon me. what will happen to rui en and elvin ng. will that happen in real life?

night.

knowing that blackjetta.blogspot.com is closing down makes me feel empty and sad now.

1. i bought my first levis jeans.

2. i thought i was handsome and popular,too complacent and proud in the past thinking that people who couldn't do well in their studies are bound to fail in anything they do in life.

3. i think i got my retribution now that i have to live with it forever. short, ugly and self-centred.

4. intend to start a new blog and leave everything behind once i reach 21.

5. hopefully i can do that and it i know it will be hard because all i did was procastinate and act like a stupid boy who is so superficial and shallow.

6. having the hottest body doesn't mean that you are healthy. fit does not equate to healthy.

7.





i had a pleasant experience in SGH. my mum said i am weird because i wishws that i could stay there longer. these pictures were taken last week and it is healing well. and no, it not as painful as it seems because that caucasian surgeon injected morphine into me. but the itch is killing me. i miss that female surgeon.

8. i doubt that once i start a new blog i will stop raving about the female species.

9. being a doctor is very noble and its not about earning big bucks. kudos and respect them.

10. i'm trying to think properly now but i keep thinking of that female surgeon. ok, time to get ready to go back for appointment. i do not know if i want to see her later because i want to enquire about embarassing question that make me seem stupid.

11. happy birthday cliff! ok, i sound gay but.. i miss you and your antics. like seriously. you're a nice boy. damn! i wanna hug you now.

its very sweet to get nice smses. and i nvr see evon for like a long time. now i feel i'm missing out something when i 'cant' go.

i cant wait for mid 2010 to come and get away from this org.

i wanna be a girl at times.

can anybody tell me or motivate me to do something productive? if only i have the brains of phoon yue chin...

i've got a feeling that 2or 3 or 4 years later i will be still the same as the person i am now. wtf.

ok, i'm so bored i wanna conk off and die.

maybe i'm thinking too much, this org might not be as bad as it seems to be. i'm pessmisitic again, ok bye.

sucks. i hate it but i enjoy talking to the com. wtf. i think i've brain damaged.

a good time to chiong all the tv serial and the books i wanna read these few days since i can't do anything.

good night world. slp early xd,kim and grace.

i wanna buy many pairs of shoes.

onitsuka tiger corsair blue/red/white
adidas vespa white/white
adidas harvard black/white
new balance 1500 white/beige
that pig lining puma shoes i saw beside ngee ann city stadium shop
nike air trainer III blue/white!
nike air yeezy!
nike lunar trainer

and many more! but i cant remmeber them for now or totally cannot afford to buy.
gotta research for formal shoes and running shoes.


oh so high. imagine i wear different shoes on every saturday. it's like for about 1/6 of the year i will be wearing differnet pair of shoes. how cool is that?! wow. time to sleep. i'm totally have a girly side. i love shoes.

shit! i have accidentally click and read part of the unread email xiaode send me regarding the request to felicia chin from him to wish me on my bday two years ago. now i cannot undo the email to unread status! i'm so so so ... first time in the entire two years i have never had the intention to read that email. it was meant to be a surprise forever! how can it happen now.. argh. i am so dumbfounded. ok, time to sleep. i have been offline on msn for an hour reading postsecret and bloggig again.

postsecret




-----Email Message-----
Sent: Sunday, January 25, 2009 8:28 PM
Subject: I feel like you don't want me to know anything about you.

He didn't want to know anything about me because it changed the perfect image he had in his mind of what i should be. so I left him and found someone who likes the flaws.

you know you are not very down to earth person when you do not want to do such job but still get triggered by:

female sales assistant in far east plaza

male assistant in left foot

perm staffs in giordano


i respect them. life is totally not easy.
when i'm worried about being stagnant, fat, or what's not. i'm sure others will also feel the same way. they still take things in their stride. i wonder where do they get such confidence or is it only on the surface?

ok, i'm only on the surface with no substance. i'm f-ed.

i ran yesterday evening. it didn't help me to sleep better. how weird. i slept from 11-3+am and i couldn't fall asleep anymore. now i'm feeling so tired. there is run again later. i know i'm going to be pek cek. should i let it happen? whenever i want to start something good. something always screw up. i can't get enough rest anymore if i can't come back home on thursday.

i wanna blast some loud music now. ok, i'm kind of late. bye.

god bless all.

i am like so high now cos i'm looking at miss selfridge website. hohoho. the clothes are so nice. i wanna be a girl!

changeling
seven pounds
passengers
the reader
the curious case of benjamin button
underworld: rise of the lycans
the wrestler
the woman


i bet anne hatahway is super rich now. she is like starring in every movie.

today's weather is very good to spend it outdoors wiht your love ones. but i dunno what to do.

and i really like ying jia. her 'ah lian of a kind' photo inside facebook. oh so pretty and cool, if i'm her bf i will feel so good. tatoo and sheesha! double combo!but i dunno how to sustain a conversation with for long. ah. ok, she just signed out. want also cannot talk already.

how weird i thought of yj and mich the last two days too. new zealand. wow. so cool.

ok i know nothing and act as if i know everything sometimes. so now i know its my 'retribution' when people laugh at me. its so sad when you are lousy/ugly/or whatever. trying to learn is always not easy. crap. i dont have innate talent.

i'm feeling so disappointed with myself right now! i send bday greetings to yc at the wrong day. i'm so sad. i think i made a fool out of myself but she still appreciate it. she's such a nice person/blogger.

i think my only resolution now is to be less vuglar and not throw tantrum at my mum. less than 5 vulgar words from my mouth when i'm not working. how weird i do not sprout any vuglarity during work. maybe is my skeleton in the closet. kind of f up. i wonder if my future partner is like my mum... ah. anyway, it doesnt matter cos sooner or later she will leave me if i continue to f up. i jsut read phoon yue chin blog and i really like her work especially the chinese entry. she is so cooool.

oh yes, i just talked to evon on msn. it was cool too. i need to stop hiding behind the screen and do all these in real life. ok, i just feel like giving her a hug now. no lust involved.

good night. now, i think of xd and subsequently the rest of theclass. weird...

ok, i just realised i used like many fs in this entry. bye.

was sitting down and i felt my chest was uncomfortable. i dont really know what is going on but they diagnosed me with nothing wrong though i have slow heartbeat like 1-2mth back. i think something must really happen before they will take action. its just so freaking weird. this is .........

on the other hand, i just knew that my ligament is not torn. so i'm very thankful for that. however, i do not know how true is it. because my mate had his ligament torn, but nothing was done. no op. no nothing. so ironic.

went to mustafa. made me very high and i didn't know how to go around shopping. i want to buy that casio watch. hahahah. seldom i see non digital casio watch. damn cheap and classic and nice. like wow. too bad i've got a digital one already.

i've very happy with my buy. hahahahah. i like it alot. boxer shorts. that is the one and only design left. ok, maybe i should start a underwear collection of the different brands soon. hohoho.

one lady in blue or black satin dress with denim shorts was smoking while jaywalking across the pedestrain. luckily the malay motorist slow down. i wonder what will happen if his bike hit her. ok, the main thing is. she still smiled at him and smoking away. she was so cool. i seriously salute her and her smile was so mesmerising. for a moment, i wished i was her bf/cousin/younger brother. i dont know what. ok, i dont know what i'm talking right now but i like her already. i'm starting to think she is about the same age as zhang zi yi. hahahahha.

i think there is nothing wrong with sunbathing. i would want to sunbath if i can to get a even tan. she makes me feel that i'm normal because if she's so pretty and she has a 'slight bulge' at the tummy area, then i'm normal too. all along i though i was freaky fat because of that bulge. kinda dumb. i hope she won't get defeated by these paparazzi. way to go zhang zi yi!

nowadays my pain threshold is getting lower and lower. somehow i'm starting to bleed more as i rid the hair. i'm starting to feel that my immune is getting worse and worse as i grow older. but the peak of health of a normal healthy person is 24. i wonder if i get any diesease/illness or something.

i seriosuly hate waking up every 2-3hours every night and look at the clock. it just happen. hate to be so tensed.. luckily my cough medicine have been working well for me these few nights.

i also gotta make it a point that i wont go botak anymore because people will discriminate u no matter where u are. public or org.

seriously, i wish to be a girl sometime because guessx3 is on and these girls are so powerful. i want the power of a girl. it can make a guy go crazy. so cool with tattoo.

ok, i'm starting to write for others to see again. shall stop here.

god bless all

ok, i decided i like natalie portman too. she' so so so so so so so X1000000 smart! psychology. 5 langauges. oh so attractive.

dont worry about growing old. grow up.

men make love to woman to seek revenge. (ok, dont get traumatise, not all males are like that)

emptiness kills slowly.

ok, i sound like a 12 year old kid. byebye.

how to become closer to everyone. what happens when you become closer but cannot help to solve the problem, you will feel useless or irritated or don't feel like bothering at all. disappointed with yourself, and then the friendship wont be as stable anymore cos when people tell you something they expect (at least most of them) help... unless really connected, then emotional support can help. ah, then gotta learn how to be good at everything now. wow. scary.

elegy is nice. but some parts i still dont understand. gotta learn how to watch more of such movies. so artistic. salute penelope cruz. i have a crush on her already.

http://sg.news.yahoo.com/afp/20090101/tls-newyear-britain-health-aeafa1b.html

i suppose i cannot make any resolutions since after reading this article. but still;

ankle recovery
join more races
less abdominal fats
more happy (glad that i feel i'm more myself around poly friends)
stop thinking of those two vicious cycle
grow taller
no signing on (comfortable but scary thought when i think of it)
be myself in front of more people (but not irritating them)
give hugs to more people esp kw,evon and 2/6 people (friends and family)
phuket or some other place close to nature overseas
people around me to be happy
love myself
health of parents
maybe stargirl?
maybe driving?

ok, too greedy and none will come true. time to try to slp.
just received kw's sms. wished he can my smile right now after reading it. and one more last thing to add in to the wish list for now: more spontaneous. if not , my mum will say so fierce and serious.... no girl like.

god bless.

the beach party crowd was not as crowded as i expected. overall, it was still quite an enjoyable experience.

i did it again. i controlled myself. i should have been more spontaneous.
dunking tank. foam pool.
i am not like that by natural. i am quite a slut yet i dont act like one because i keep doubting my own body or think how people will judge me. i like my body one day and dislike it the next day. everybody have flaws but i just don't want to have any which is impossible.

salute those girls who bare it off. even those who have clothing on also expose some other parts of their body. they have those confidence that i don't have. think i should go out more so that i will become less lustful. is it 'unfair' that males are clothed and females are exposed to so much danger? they should put it mandartory that guys should be topless.

i am starting to dislike my body especially my legs. i know i'm not but i just cant stop. wonder who will accept me for this. if i can reverse time, there is two things i definitely won't do because it is gone forever. my spouse will be not be able to get the best out of it. though i most people say they wont mind but deep inside i know somehow it matters to a certain degree to sustain a r/s.

ok, i just keep going on. this is not exactly what i wanted to type before i shower.
no regrets on getting the tattoo but wished it could be lower to the hipbone so it teases and looks more sexy.

thx evon, jiayi, xiaode, chinwei, ben.

life's been rough but i hope everyone's morale and mood will be up and welcome the new year with a smile. hope later will be good. sorry about not celebrating it with my other friends but i know they will be glad for me because i'm going to do what i feel/want/think like doing. sleep well all.

seriously cant wait to get sacked this org.

allison stokke
melanie adams
stephanie rice
rafael nadal
lebron james
liu xiang
usain bolt
ryan babel
maria sharapova
dana torres

reading the sundays times top few beautiful athlete makes me feel sad.

and 22 to start is real old. wish i can restart life again.

saw myself in the mirror for a good whole minute and for a moment i really hate my cheeks and chin.

help me get pass this stage please. so many others are feeling the same as me but why?

please save me or any one them who needs help.

god bless.

sometimes i jsut want to restart life again. but then again, i will not get to know all my friends now. how ironic. some things are just irreversible and you just got to live with it which will makes u more down to earth but it will hurt as always.

wonder what will happen if i didnt declared any injury. maybe i might be chee heng's buddy.

ok, time to slp. good night all.

i just hope everyone have fun this new year's eve even if i'm not physically with any of them. i hope the way i type or reply stuff won't offence anyone with or without those singlish. i didn't mean anything.

torn between siloso or 2/6 pple. ok , more of joy actually. but yes, siloso please. just hope i won't die of heart attack. i want to be more my naughty self in a way, but hope i wont go around doing the wrong things.

i always have this thinking that i might die of heart attack one day. i do not know why.

i thought today is 27th december and i sms grace kwan. ok, only when she called i realised it is 28th. ok, i'm so so so dead. wanted to ask her and yj where are they but i just got defensive and kept saying i mixed up the date. i ought to be shot.

ok, i got to sleep now. bye. evon just sms me. going to read the sms now. hehe.

i feel most of us keep working to fill up the void in our hearts.

it applies the same to dressing up.

the song in yj's blog is nice. and i envy her. so pro. but maybe i should find out more of the sufferings first before i decide if i really envy her. but still..... cool.

weird i don't know why i can't get high nowadays. maybe maybe i might hit menopause when i'm 30. still can't figure out why almost everyone is nice.

happy boxing day all.

with wishes,
melvin

bought food for my brother and saw a girl who is helping out her family(if i'm correct). she's wearing a yusof ishak tee. she's taller than me. she's does not induce lust in me initially but she's pretty. helping out on christmas day is one good virtue. attractive. makes me feel i'm so superficial and f up. oh, i should be her friend and learn from her.

on the other note, i like avril lavigne. she's on tv1 now. after that going to shower. sorry xd.

ok, just ended. hahahha. just wished i'm avril lavigne's. she is just so attractive, i dont care what others say if she's angsty or look like a 12yr old.

ok, time to go out and face the world now.

the intense feeling is here again but it's almost impossible. sometimes i feel that i cannot live with blackejetta.blogspot.com another year is coming to an end soon without realising it. i just went back to read her entry about shanghai and i thought i just read it like recently. how time flies...

how far have i gone to pursue my dreams? i don't know. there's always other circumstances that makes my will very weak... i just wonder what will happen if she closes her blog. she's just a very nice girl/lady and i've got full of admirations for her. smarty, witty, sews, rich.

merry christmas all.

joining the safari zoo run 2009 with zheng wei. hope i can make it in time to train. i'm just going for the distance now, no more timing for now in case i worsen my ankle injury.

and i hope zhenzhu will burn and rot in hell. she's such a f up character. piss me off so much. feel like slaping her till her face bleed. yucks.

sometimes i think how good it will be if i'm not born in singapore.

or maybe i'm rather f up as a person who can't cope with changes and not willing to be realistic and still being very adamant on competitive timing, health and everyone but i just cannot/don't know how to handle situations.

ok, i'm f up.

time to slp and shower soon.

i really feel like slapping zhenzhu and robert zhang in the little nyonya and hope they will burn in hell. no offence elynn kok and the other guy.

f up how this world works.

'we just care about those we we care most.. we didnt realli go care about others... '

true...

we may have judge/condemn each other too much, but deep down under we all want each other to be happy i suppose so. it's just how the world works that we have to show our survival instinct to sustain our fragile life. just read joreen blog and ok, i don't know why but i just feel good for her. as in good she is doing well, right now i don't know how to define happy.

another new phrase of life. much tougher as i heard, but i will pull thru it.

feel that i'm starting to type for others to see again. all these trivial matters seem so aggerated when i type them down. it feels liek i'm complain but i'm not. ok, maybe i shld get moleskine soon if i stay in.

there's no need to explain further. glad that i'm learning not to get defensive in e org. f. ok, shall go slp now. later.

yes man is a very nice movie. everyone should catch it.

i saw joanne peh at cineleisure on the second level(World of Sports). she's so beautiful and tall. it's kinda weird i don't get very high as i type right now perhaps i know i can't get her. but i really want to go up to her and say she's so attractive and smart to me and shake her hands if possible. she was with a caucasian.

went to st regis to 'visit' k. sorry didn't have chicken foldover. hope you didn't starve the 10+hrs. we went to the rooms and took photographs. the suite is really very very nice. how i wish my 2/6 people and polymates hold a christmas gathering in the room with christmas trees, boardgames, heart to heart talks, poker, food, etc. i wanna to do that with my family too, but i don't know what ot talk or do something that can get everyone involved and interested, just smile on their faces.

ok. i don't know if i should type this. but evon is attractive when she works because it's like so professional.

everyday, i learn new thing. chee heng asked me to go his house sat night but it's all his poly friends whom i don't know. i want to go because it's been a long time i hang out with him and kevin. but i'm afraid to meet new people though i really want to do so. it's awkward. what should i do?

ok, gotta sleep. i'm so deprived of sleep and water. i'm of 3 color tones now from swimming and soccer today. save me god.

god bless.

my body is already conditioned to wake up at 5+ even on weekends. this is bad... i can't really get to slp again.

reading xd's blog now make me realised that there's something i haven't try or might not be able to do it. his care/love for lien... at least for now, i know i cannot have a long distance relationship. most probably will screw it up.

jeanette aw acting is v good in little nyonya. i was surprised she's 29 now. she don't look like 29. wow wow wow. amazing. hope i will look like 23 when i'm 30 too. i just don't know why ying jia's image will jsut flash through my mind when i jeanette aw. i really dislike eelyn kok's character in the show. i wanna slap her the minute i see her! ah, ok. but it's just a show.

jeanette aw is really sweet and i really like her dao looks (very attractive but i don't know why). i find her kinda cute.

gotta have more trust in others. image change. i can foresee the vicious cycle again.
if it rains, i won't swim. if it doesn't rain, i will swim.
swim already then get a slice of cake for dad.
come back home, then will feel tired and sleep.
but i can't get to sleep because it's too noisy.
ok, he's back home now.

then meet ps and pt.
wanna go the nike @ wisma atria. i wanna buy airmax 90 white/white shoes. got an obsession with shoes now.
watch twilight @ 9+pm.
perhaps i might get to see andeline. and this reminds me of joy. ok, thinking of her is good and bad.

maybe they will stay overnight and i will struggle with myself to decide if i should stay with them. i will be so tired, but i enjoy the company of friends (though i always have dao/loner instincts). and if it rains tmr, i will be so moody because i can't play soccer.

gotta start to do thigns first before others if not there will not be meaning.

$50+$50+$50+clothing i wanna buy($100++) + mp3 = ?

santa...

hope my sins will be forgiven.
i wonder how many people can really understand one another and not judge other? still learning.

i dislike the stubbly feeling because i always think it cannot please the other partner. is it true?

still cannot face the fact that it's a irreversible process. shld have made the appointment for today. just thought i mgiht not be able to make it and it's just any vicious cycle. yeah, go eyebrow shaping, treading, i dunno what. be a gay! woohoo.

take care all my friends, all the best for postings.
enjoy your weekend.

god bless all.

ps: didn't see the nurse on the bus for abt 2 weeks.

gotta visit nike singapore wisma atria soon.

had a deja vu just now. found the girl i was admiring very familiar. more to type but yes. i've feeling f-ed up and it seems like it affects everyone. ok. bye.

i am not hip
i'm not cool
i'm not the most handsome
i'm not the tallest
i'm not the most muscular

i feel liek going zouk out after elfie mentioned it. so many people i can see. can make me very high. but after that i'll hit the lowest point again because it's not real. it's just fantasy. so many distractions in ths world..... ahhhhhhh. if only i didn't want to be 'perfect', i might be much better off now. too old to try many things now.

ok. bye.

jsut wanna get high on someting.
jeanetteawalike=yingji
jennifer garner
audrina patridge is like so damn hot.
every female celebrity is v hot. i could marry anyone of them.
christmas mood on and off.
hope it doesnt rain today.
time to do something and not dream.
byebye.

i wanna meet elva hsiao now. just like in 2002 when she shook my hands and signed my album. i miss her. she's still as beautiful as ever and so much stronger than before. she's a nice lady.