he's fucking hot!

how he looked like 11 years ago.

why isn't he mine?

i'm beginning to dislike girls who run faster than me. i hope they will get cramp during the race. damn it.

freaking boring day. who would want to sponsor me $200?

ivy lee is still so hot at her age as a mother of two.

the purpose of this post is to tell... i haven't sleep just yet. i just finish my dinner and breakfast but i'm still hungry. not being able to sleep throughout the night though i'm still fucking tired is a secret. i won't tell anyone the whole truth.

in real life, only one person knows why but i doubt she knows she is the only one who knows it too. it's neither grace tan nor gan jia yi. well even if people are interested i will not tell them. some will say so why the fuck do i post it up if i do not want attention. i just want to rant and this is not to entertain anyone but myself. so fuck it. i'm being damn gl now. i can heard the first bus approaching the bus stop now. i shall sleep before it irritates the hell out of me. bye.

PS: to 2/6 peeps... sorry about not writing about us at all. i doubt u all know about any single thing i wrote in here but some things doesn't need to be told to be understood. :)

right now i really have to urget to meet the owner of blackjetta.blogspot: phoon yue chin.

ying jia made me high yesterday when she came over. we managed to have lunch together but not go home together. grace kwan was cute yesterday, but even cuter on wednesday. like she call me! sometimes grace kwan is like so cute. wow. hahahaha.

i'm now regretting staying at home because its boring and i cant continue sleeping if not i will not be able to sleep later. i'm still damn tired. freak. it's so dumb that i stand on the bus for 1.5hrs because the stupid highway jam. piss me off. fuck.

i don't feel like updating anymore. it's kind of meaningless.

fuck.

working sucks. i miss watching my favourite gangster girl! ah, soon . it will be thomas ong. my all time fav actor of all times. the 1st actor i ever liked in my life too. damn damn damng. he's so damn hot for his age. sexy.

screwed up. if work starts at 9am and ends at 5.30pm, how good will that be.

i haven't been watching LOST for a few episodes and now i'm totally lost on what is going on. sigh. internship,log,reports and presentations.... and i realised this is so sweet (look below)...









it's the couple is so sweet and sexy. ah. damn it. i'm jealous.
who wanna buy me the whole collection of the LOST series?

singtel HOT 100! pre-paid card or continue this stupid m1 plan?

the thought of entering the office makes me sad, i hope today will never end. yucks.

work was fun! yeah! :)

but i have a diseased face now. 12 pimples on my left side of neck, 1 at the chin, 3 on the right side of neck, 7 on the left cheek, 5 on the right cheek, 4 on the right jaw. sigh...

erm, i learn not to anyhow download adobe reader updates from any websites other than the offcial one.... and not to click on sexy girl picture unless it's felicia chin or joanne peh or jessica alba. friendster!!!! ahhhhh. 11 threats found but deleted. norton sucks, avg is better.

oh yes, on the way back home. there's this girl with a group of friends looked at me. i have a common look. she asked her friends if i look like one of their friend else. ahhhhh, so sad. but then i should have smile at her when she look at me. maybe can score points.

i secretly notice that she keep trying to peep at me. i think i look like the guy she's fond of. hahahha. luckily, its at night and she cant see how ugly i am if not it will be a super turn off. and i'm so sure they're from hip hop by the way they dress and stuff they talking about. damn cool. like since 5 years ago, no girls ever look at me like that. woohoo. high. ok, not very high but yes contented.

ratatouille is a very nice movie. must watch. the mouse is so damn cute. but it always scare me when the imaginary chef suddenly with that scary noise effect. i so pai seh when my seat shook. i guess the couple esp the girl i must be a freaking chicken gay coward.

i did not play soccer or run this week but disgusting spent lots of money. health and wealth going down. yucks.

I can log into my account but when i go jiayi's one. then i can't send her testimonial. and see the pic properly. why is is not http://friendster.com but http://alotofvagina.friendster.com. does friendster have virus too?!





proness. winner. now it piss me off a little cos i can't do what i want although i face the computer for more than 6hrs a day without internet access. boring. and i'm tired. less than 6hrs of sleep again. sigh. it sucks but today i did learn something. it's so scary. even meeting nathan is not as frightening. i miss my sec sch friends and classmates!

jy, your testimonial: the word is not nathan. it's nice. and i meant it, but i just want to play. anyway, i can't wait for weekends too. it's two more days! like after tmr is one day!!!!!! so cool. but then sat, i'm like meeting my sec sch friends in the evening. =x


good night world.

i regretted not buying the brown and navy blue pull and bear polo tee during the sale. ahhhhhhh. like so damn cheap. $19.90. sigh. and it's the color i want if i need to wear one to work/ go out. nathan. now that i showered i can't sleep just yet. ahhhh. freaking. no more gel on the hair.

i miss studying. crap. internship really sucks like shit. waste time, money and health only. i couldn't think properly and almost fell asleep. i'm feeling so freaking fat yet tired now. how to play soccer on wednesday anymore. sigh.

woohoo. that sms from evon was a very sweet gesture. what a good start to the day! :)

i'm a freaking lousy useless mummy's boy/son. please let nothing happen tonight and let me sleep in peace.

postsecret rocks my socks.

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_a7jkcMVp5Vg/RtC9etTLnZI/AAAAAAAABgk/kvcc__cBT5E/s1600-h/losing.jpg

ah. i dislike attachment. it's making me irritated. stupid. i think i will be so tired tommorrow and i might be late. i feel like freaking someone upside down inside out like banana, papaya, alibaba and aninak. sigh. i still dunno what to wear/iron the clothes. so uncool like nathan.

now i seriously need to get freaking drunk so that i can get to sleep.
human are selfish. no one is noble, not even your partner. fairytales doesn't come true, kiss korean videoclip is produced just to cater to the audience.
money is so evil. if barter trade were to exist again. sigh.
dysfunctional.

ann siao is so cool because she can put me to sleep. 100m in 13sec. so pro. oh yes, but i doubt i can sleep. something bad is going to happen again. god bless.

alcohol is bad. hahaha. i'm so freaking hungry after i drink alcohol. i wonder why. oh man, abit screw up my regime i just started on tuesday. it was kind of an eye opener. i didn't know club was so small. and i can't dance for nuts. my first time with poly classmates. it doesn't really excite me at all , i think cos i don't know how to dance. that's why.

oh yes, i'm sorry. i didn't mean to make you fall. i swear i wasn't drunk at that time. i just didn't know that will happen. hope you're alright. very sorry! i just wonder what will happen if milk mix with alcohol. will it slow down the absorbtion rate of alcohol. ahhhh. still so freaking hungry. oh ya, please tell me when i was drunk/going to get drunk. i want to know. i need to know how it feels to be drunk. so i can be better. :)

and also, i realised we didn't take many pictures. like i never talk picture with everyone there individually. so sad. :(

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x0Y1Wk2wr74

this video makes me high. maldini speaking in english!!!!!!! omg! so damn charming. and kaka is so friggin cute when he smiles. he's such a cutie. it's like felicia chin together with joanne peh. wow.

joanne peh is my favourite gangster girl!
she can hit me, stab me, kick me. damn cool. i won't mind. hahahahaha. :)

soccer was good today. i realised i'm not as good as i think. i still have alot to learn. but i was pissed off with the 132 bus. i waited for 23mins for it to come at 7.40, which i didn't expect because this is the freaking bus i always take. there's no difference whether i left the house at 7pm or 7.25pm, still reach there at 8. argh. lucky there were other teams, if not i feel bad.

screw singtel broadband.

i have the sudden urge to meet the owner of blackjetta.blogspot.com; miss phoon yue chin.

i'm so tired right now but i can't get to sleep, i feel like drinking vodka or alcohol and get fucking drunk. get a hangover for the entire day tommorow since i do not know what to do and when i've recovered in the evening, i'll just go play soccer with my cousin. this feeling sucks.

i'm sorry for dissing anyone of you just now. i was just tired. pardon me. please don't treat me so well because i will take anyone for granted. i don't really feel comfortable when people treat me so well except my mum. i admit i like being treated well it's is kind of scary at the same time. i dunno.

i think i was trying to find an excuse to convince myself that it's alright that if i don't do well for this module. god bless.

oh yes, great. i guess that's it. someone flared up. but i guess the other party is trying to keep it down because of me. but don't they know i've already woke up and i can't think properly now? i need some drug to make me high.

i'm already so screwed up. i totally can't absorb things into my head alr, just trying to get 2hrs sleep yet they still want to discuss so loudly. this discuss shouldn't have taken place because whatever being said is invalid. there is no point in talking so damn loudly when nothing has been done for the past year. it affects me. or i should be glad they aren't shoutly like nobody's business? now i am wondering how is catalina. they've quietened down, i don't know if i should go back to sleep. so damn tired, but if i overslept. that's it. god bless me.

i watch channelnewsasia primetime morning because of suzanne jung. her face is so cute! :)

sat evening was fun. finally got to see chee heng and gang after 1 month. soccer wasn't that good cos it was raining. a few of my friends got ligament injury. it's scary because i'm feeling something wrong with my knees too. i don't want to not play soccer before i reach 35.

sat night was super fun. but i think i might be spoilsport throughout the entire night. ahhhhh. crazy nathan. i dunno why i did what i do.

Dear Melvin,
Here is your horoscope for Sunday, August 19:
You're having a hard time making up your mind, and that could lead to all sorts of minor, and possibly funny, romantic troubles. Don't force yourself, because you'll end up regretting any hard choices you make.

this might be good to convince me for what i did... i like you guys for being my friends. ok, no love because i never love anyone before but you all know what i mean...

maternal grandma's birthday yesterday. finally i got took a complete family photo for dunno since how many years ago. i also took one photo alone with my grandma and some other pictures with my cousins which i always wanted since eons.

oh man, i'm feeling lethargic again but i slept at 10.30pm yesterday and i didn't watch lost. :(

i got wasted by surfing friendster thru' out the night. friendster is so powerful, it can make people feel bad/useless. just hope what i do now will benefit me in future, unless i go blind or get knocked down by some vehicle or become handicapped. living by faith but not by sight is so difficult.

This is the church beside the vietnam orphanage. It was kind of scary when i want there alone secretly in the evening. It's always so quiet and locked up by 7pm. It's quite big and the 3 buildings were connected and there was only one guy looking after the church. There were dogs too. If i remembered correctly, there was like a tombstone (a stone that was engraved). Near the 'tombstone' was an sheltered open space which was around the size of our school street soccer court.







isn't it weird that there is some buddhist stuff at the left hand corner of the entrace?



oh no, now i can't get to sleep now! i feel creepy. i'm scared. i just keep thinking how i walked around and suddenly that guy approached me. he asked me to walk around myself and left me alone. i need someone to protect me. maybe like paris hilton or evangeline lilly or jesseca liu or kate beckinsale or i dunno.

i was wondering what will happen if i get prostate cancer?

drinking whole milk increases the risk of getting it. oh man. i've have already drunk almost more than 10x5x 4x 12 cups of milk in my entire life. crap.

this family let me learn alot, but also make my faith waver. it will be good if i can truly learn from all this, and i might be on my way to becoming someone famous like those sucessful people. but i can't really be bothered or get vexed about it from the bottom of my heart. that's something weird. maybe i'm already 'numb' to it. if i were to really learn from it, it must be from the bottom of my heart. i need more of such experience. human are interesting.

michelle wie and maria sharapova makes me happy and sad. they're so young yet so rich. and they are so much taller than me. sexy.

oh yes, elvin ng is damn hot too.

singtel broadband is pissing me off. it tells you to reboot your system almost every single day when IE doesn't display anything. wth is that? freaking nathan. i'm not what you as good as what all of you think.

i was looking at the mum but the daughter caught my attention immediately.



so cute, but i have bad camera. i was wondering why the mum dress so nice, but the dad....



some anonymous guy wearing nice bathing ape shoes when i was waiting for bus opposite chinatown point



boring. i was playing with my pimples.



woohoo! nice. i think i should go to operating theatre to see how they operate on humans. might be fun. like jack shephard! but sawyer gets to hug kate.

reading felicia chin's blog made me realised i take my parents for granted in everything they do for us. i do not cherish my time with them. sometimes i find them irritating. i don't know. i think they should take a little break, don't be to hard on themselves and provide everything for us. i don't know, it's just my brain. but my heart doesn't ache. weird.

i think i need an ipod.

i'm so not tired. but i'm super high high high. ann siao is so cool!

avril lavigne rocks my socks.
it's so beautiful it makes me wanna cry.
this moment is perfect, pls don't go away.
i need you now.

hahaha. shit this is making me emo. not high already. yeah FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT song alr!

wow. all american rejects songs are nice nice nice. fight fight fight! cool. i get to see my classmates tmr. woohoo. after test tmr might be fun like nathan i think. but i not sure whether the rest have test on thurs or fri. crazy. ann siao! i can't even run 100m in 13secs. omg. wooooohoooo. please read blackjetta everyone. omg. she's so cool. hahahaha. byebye.

i was watching the postsecret video and i realised it's been almost two years since i wanted to owe that first published postsecret book but it's $30+. wow. and stargirl. i wonder when am i going to own them.

i took a bottle of coke light to drink without realising it contains caffeine and it makes me hungry now. i'm already have some difficulty with sleeping because of tmr test. it only makes it worse. argh. anyway, this picture is kind of hot i think.

i'm talking to grace tan now. it's so cool and i like talking to her because she can make me laugh and smile like crazy. she is funny, thrifty, patience and have nice skin that makes me so jealous. but she is still my friend.

but but but, i keep bullying her. that's why she is my 'good friend'. if i stop bullying her and then if she is still my good friend means she's really a good friend to me. ok. sorry, there's something wrong with me. bye bye. time to watch lost. and i hate my head now, but i can't get to sleep. i don't want to sleep. sigh.

oh yes, i prefer jesseca liu to felicia chin now. oh no!

taking bus rides to kap was fun. the bus inspector was in the bus but he was busy doing something else. wow. i was thinking when was he going to do spot check but he didn't. and i saw one damn handsome caucasian. he's so hot. nice hair, nice eyelashes, nice cute body though not muscular. i don't know what tee he wore but it was dirty green, a black shorts with orange socks and red adidas track shoes with deuter bagpack(i like). caucasian doesn't have to wear nice clothes to stand out because they are already so outstanding.

the cold storage in kap was so busy and there's so many people to see. good place to do experiment. wow. cool. going there today reminds me of yesterday. so fun. ok, not fun but it kinds of cheer me up. i mean make me smile. hahahaha.

ok, i'm getting tired. ahhh. dinner with malaysian aunt later. then then then tests and exams can be so boring.

happy belated birthday to jia yi and jia wang.

wow. firstly, i just realised that two of my female friends live in the same block and they do not know each other. secondly, i went to the same block twice today because of the two friends. so cool!

i kind of secretly like jiayi knocking my head(but not so hard la). so cute. hahahaha. (ok, now it's not a secret anymore.) sorry for making you walk and walk and walk with your heels. i know how much it really hurts, ouch. like wearing soccer boots which will make your heels bleed after the entire match. but yes, i really need to get a drink on the way because i was thirsty and i scare my stinking breath will turn you off.

argh. like always i do not know what to do and stunned when she is always the one taking initiative. i feel bad/rude cos 'reject' her, but how? i cannot like anyhow, if not it's kind of inappropriate/rude also? but birthday girl leh, it's ok right? but why i never? well almost almost. why i 10000000 years never hug the opposite gender alr. but it's also good in another way, cos if i hug anyone then later anyhow think also die. ah, but i feel kind of regretful.

jia wang, thanks alot for offering to pay up first; but that's if you willing to accept our payment. sorry, i think u expected the belt right. i'm still not creative or romantic enough. still have lots to learn.

i feel sad yet happy. wow, sajc/acjc and soon to be universities. and they do know what they want in life. what about me? i feel like i'm forever stagnant at stage.

it also sucks to be a guy because u get horny easily. well, this sucks. be a girl is better. when you're a guy u need to do so many things. well, girls are gettting more indepedent but they still have a choice. ok, actually not. girls have to do so many household chores and that sucks too. ah, nature, damn it. defy nature. well, gay is kind of cool, but not when you're doing sports or in the bedroom though.

i'm so almost sure that i doubt i can/will take care of my parents when they're old. they are not sparing a thought for me by doing things for us. they think it's for our own good by making us comfortable. but the fact is they are making things worse. they will increase their chances of being ill faster as they age.

by not doing anything for us, we also get to learn. if not we will not be forced to learn, always being spoon fed and suffer when i get out to this society. when i freaking work, i will suffer and when i suffer the pay will be less. when the pay will be less, i will be les healthy and grow fatter. when i'm fatter, everything will screw upside down inside out. it's a vicious cycle. but by not having money, i can't even support myself. how to support them? what about my siblings.

maybe i go joing taliban. i like the way is sounds. ta-li-ban. well, i always have been secretly admiring osama in some ways. he's a genius in some way.

woohoo. most probably going to retake napfa again next sem. happy nathan. i saw the my napfa tester taking napfa today. wow wow wow. colourful converse sling bag, black adidas shoe bag, brown running shoes, pink slippers. i think she took 16.03min for 2.4km. shouldn't wear her watch and listen to ipod, if not can be faster. aiyo. but wow wow wow. like she's the only two girls there.

i wanted to thank her but i don't dare and i guess she must be thinking that both of us are cursing and swearing at her because of our results last week. oh no! but actually, i was secretly admiring her la. pls let me see her in school again... but i don't know her name or height or school or course or anything except that she's in yr3. proness. hahahaha.

so dead for fyp interview tmr. good job. god bless me.

ok, suddenly i vaguely remember that k told me she have a bf? or no? saded.

wow. i realised my english is so screwed up.

i guess i'll get my retribution when i become a parent. i don't feel bad anymore. i'm still so bloody immature. more money = longer working hours = no hot body = not so fit. but having a hot bod doesnt mean you're fit. oh well. screw up.

sleeping and waking up early is not very good. just because i woke up from 4-6+am but i didn't bother to wake my sis up despite knowing she was going to be late for sch can let my mum condemn me. told me to wake her up at 6.30am ltr. to her, there's not a single night that i will not sleep. i'm so short is because of lack of sleep, not the genes. not anyone's fault but mine. i feel like leaving hm now. i will be glad if paris hilton can hire me as a personal slave so that i can fly over to europe/america right now.

today was full of suspense. fyp and sec 2/6 grp of friends i met. wow. like first time in my life i get caught in such a situation. and i saw joy working in mooks. so fast time have past. the last time i met them was 7july on kelly's birthday. ah. dunno if they really have got nothing to do then wait for me. still feel bad but actually not really now because i know they won't mind. =X

well, ok. must make an effort to meet them before kelly flies off on 2 sep. oh no, jia wang and jiayi's birthday clash. great. oh yes, sitting beside evon was kind of cool/exciting/fun/too many random feelings. caramel frap from starbucks was love. like finally i get to drink starbucks since a million years ago.

sth is gonna happen.

having no cca records irks me. i do not know what happened during this 2 years in ngee ann. i can't help regretting but this cannot go on. i have so much less experience compared to others. the only thing i can do now is to seriously consider what career path to take if not i'll be wasting 3years like what ivan kor kor told me. i still haven't see the harsh reality out there and have no right to comment on anyone.

hopefully, everything will be over soon. the workload the school gave is unbearable and it caused unhappiness among people; friendship.

i guess i cant be a good friend to anyone. i just cannot put others before self even if playing soccer now. what happened?

i feel so lost, tired and moody without friends around me especially when i'm at home. think this is not a very good sign. talking to yong kai now, it's been such a long time since i last saw him. a very good trustworhty friend who is also good in soccer.

these few days have been crazy. i never read a single blog. everyone is doing their work and i like this feeling of unity in class. all of us chionging our work, helping each other. i don't like to owe people thing. i'm just afraid i can't help/repay in future. oh well, i guess that's just a stupid excuse to say i'm really selfish ultimately. there's lightning and thunder now i doubt there will be napfa. and if i carry such a big bag to sch, it looks so idiotic. i'm feeling so tired. my energy is being drained off so quickly when i woke up just an hour ago. it sucks to fall sick at the crucial moment. sorry to everyone whom i have spread my sickness. pls let me get well soon.

actually, i was sleeping at 10 but i just can't continue to get to sleep now. so damn tired and i don't know what should i do now. hrf or memorise mqe script and presentation or read about bmd if not i dun know what defects are what , how to do the project. i like my friends but i dislike schoolwork. getting sick soon.

please tell me when should i be sensitive and when should i not? i think i'm too much in a way, but i meant good. all the lifeskills IS modules i took is still not enough. how do i balance it.

although i slept very late yesterday, i had enough sleep and was fresh. i just didnt know why i was so moody today. partially because i missed the quiz and i had to admit i was sad. but when i was going to totally heck care abt it, george yuen gave me another chance when i gave him that stupid face. he was so nice to me and i felt bad/guilty.

i was abt to give up again when both of you helped me out in the quiz. thanks. it was fun/meaningful that i managed to talk to kx,yj and grace kwan a little more. i guess i get to know them a little teeny wenny more after today but i might be wrong.

i realised i judged too much in the past. i'm still doing it now and it sucks. i totally do not know if this change is good or bad, i'm feeling happy at the moment especially in school when i joke or laugh but i'll tend to worry more for my results more than ever. should i keep my mouth shut because i talk without thinking much now and it might have hurt others unintentionally without me knowing.

there's so much more but i can't really think anymore. pls let me fall alseep soon.

all was good until now. it seems that things have gone back to the same but no. once there's scar inflicted, there's just this insecurity/fear that will remain forever. it seemed that he have changed but he should put himself in her shoes. actually both parties should do that (but she's hurt so she don't really have to do that) and then look at it from a 3rd person's point of view so that they can understand each other better. balance is the key. quarrels and jokes happening at the same time confuses me. it's fucking scary. i can't get to sleep again.

dear god, please bless everyone especially my family and friends.

my left toes still hurts now. well, i hope it will be ok soon, if not it's like my right ankle now and i wonder when will it recover. it sucks. but i should be grateful that it didn't break my toes.

i guess all of us have to move on in life at one point of time, it's only just when. it might take some time but you can do it. :)

i'm easily influenced. reading my classmates' blog makes me want to blog just for the sake of it. taking long 963 bus ride alone to vivocity was depressing. i wanted to approach mrs law in vivocity but i need the toilet urgently and then i lost her. she's one of my favourite teacher and the one i let down for o's chem too. sitting by the sea taking an hour long long john silver dinner alone makes people think you're a pervert/lunatic espcially when there are couples everywhere.

but standing on the barricade, feeling the sea breeze while looking at the monorails and cars travelling past the gateway was therapeutic especially when i was so frustrated and getting a headache because i do not know what to get. it was so awkward that one of the pull and bear staff recognised me and must be thinking - "why this stupid boy walk in and out for five times and not buy anything. no money don't enter the shop la. a piece of tee only cost $20++ still take so long decide. customers like him should go and die."

well, i guess soccer and window shopping doesn't relieve my pain anymore, i need to find a new solution. i just have a weird house.

cutest pic.

i need someone to cure me or help me end my misery.

i do not know what should i do now. it's so screwed up cos i slept in the afternoon. anyway, many things happened. sentosa was fun. i'm hope the girls had fun. i like it when everyone enjoys themselves and there's peace and harmony. mum's birthday was screwed again because i quarrelled with my siblings. the incident in the bus make me realised something. i feel inferior when standing beside a girl taller than me but i like tall girls. it's too conflicting. this two weeks term break doesn't rejuvenate me. it was a monday blue for everyone. how difficult can be to wish someone happy birthday in front of the boys. i still can't do it. i'm so tired of everything. but it's paolo maldini birthday today. :)

i realised there's so much to life. sometimes i just feel education takes up too much of our life that we can't even do and enjoy the simplest thing. now i might know why my paternal aunt and her whole family migrated to new zealand for slightly more than a decade ago to live by a sea and open a small convenience shop there. i still haven't got a chance to go visit them yet. sigh.

i need to escape to the countryside of some other country and probably do some social work overseas later. first, i need to find myself again but i doubt i can do it in this environment. i'm still in the process of doing that but i think i'm just weird. i'm like totally lagging and not not in tune with my age. when i'm 12 i do what a 10 year old does. when i'm 16 i do what a 14 year old does. even till now i still get lost in orchard. i should be doing stuff like working part-time, learning driving, partying, socialising, etc. yes? i just can't do what a 19 year old should do when i'm missing out any other "younger phrases" of life. this might explain why i'm such a freaking loner and so anti-social.

this sem might be a flock. tutorials aren't like tutorials. i've this habit of being late for the first lesson everyday at least for half an hour. i don't know why there isnt any motivation anymore. i have this very strong feeling i won't be lucky anymore since god bless me with improving results every sem when i do not put in extra effort.

i've changed. i do not care as much as i do in the past. i do not agree with my friends anymore when i feel it's wrong. i screwed evon, and made some others not so happy especially grace tan when i tried to tease her. it's become a habit for me to be less polite to her. it definitely feels better when i can joke and talk more, but relationships are more fragile.

watching the inter-jc soccer matches make me so nostalgic. i want to experience that too. but i can't anymore. i just keep thinking about it. even if i quit school now, it wouldn't help. how do i fill in this empty void inside me? what can be done? it sucks to live everyday without filling what i really want to do but to do what the society demands of you. i don't want to live with regrets anymore.

working part time doesn't help me to be self sufficient. growing up really sucks. now i know why people don't bother to exercise when they are adults. why you should learn how to be independent. you don't even have time for yourself to sleep yet you can't survive. this world is totaly screwed up.

Does everybody's life revolve around surviving and looking good only to hope that we will have enough money for our retirement? is that our ultimate goal in life? does anyone really give a damn? now the government says even after 65, you can't retire. by that time, you are too old to go backpacking around the world only to know that you wasted your prime years taking care of your children and surviving. think for a moment how many of us are strong enough to do that even if we do not understand how things work in future?

what will the world become? earth will be a haunted and lifeless place sooner or later. so much for the self proclaimed achievements till everyone gets lost. so i prefer the aliens to invade earth right now to save us. god bless.

maybe it's because of the void that i couldn't fill in. i can't feel happy. it's been 3 years. not that i did not do anything, though i have to admit not much was done. but there's some things that id like to try but can't try, to mask this void. it's still empty. even soccer can't help now.

perharps it will be like this forever. is this how a life-time regret is supposed to be?

how can i not try to feel anything and continue to live on with reality? it's just human instinct. i can't control how i feel. it is living dead, worse than being dead.

fuck tertiary educational system.

i fucked my brother up just now when he asked my sister whether she can help him wash his bowl. it's her birthday today and we did not celebrate it. i feel very bad now and i don't know how to apologise to him. i always lose my temper at him. poor brother. youngest and he can't do anything. i'm stuck with schoolwork. damn fucking busy.

i fucking hate projects. i wonder what will happen to my final year project. i realised that guys are lazy but they have a rough idea of what to do for projects. for girls, they're hardworking but they do not know what they have to do. this sucks. i'm feeling trap in this vicious cycle . i totally do not know what i'm studying for anymore, just to survive, to live but not achieving any goals of mine.

i thought my dad changed. but he did not.

i'm trying very hard to like what i'm doing now. but really school sucks, studying sucks too.

i hate school now even though i improve by gpa of 0.3 every single semester. only the second week of school and i have a absent warning email sent to me. i was late, but the lesson was meant to be 2hrs, not 15 mins.

i wonder if i get the job tommorrow, how am i going to cope. i'm so unfit now too.

i feel like a lousy son now. all my parents effort wasted for the past 18 years. i can feel with my heart that my mum is really tired yet i can help but i don't know how to just because i never take initiative too learn. i'm too comfortable with what i have and i take it for granted, not that i don't appreciaite it.

i can't get to sleep and have been lying on the bed for the past 2 hours. In just a few hours time, i'll be in vietnam. i know i make it sound so drama but this is my first time.

god bless me.

i love my family.

it's been quite busy these days. a little not used to having so much stress during the holidays and i think the template i made for the blog is one of the best i have done not to mention spending the most time on it.

i'm not really looking foward towards the trip to vietnam because i'm worried i might die there or something. or make many many enemies when i can't control my temper or get super frustrated as i'm not one who can handle so much stress. one of my concerns is also failing this module. but i hope that once we reach there everything will be fine and i will not be as concerned as to fail or pass because the main objective is to learn and serve.

tomorrow is the day i'm going to take the plane without any relatives. i'm tired. i'm a little worried about my family. i'm paranoid. i hope i won't break down.

i'm tired and sleepy now.

i made rosanne bored again. i really dislike it when i converse with girls online or face to face. it scares me and 90% of the time, i bored them. sigh.

i'm getting worried for my brother. i just don't know why there's this feeling that he might smoke or turn bad. i hope not. as an elder brother, i need to spend more time with him. but it's always going out and i do not know where to go, shop, eat or play. we can't afford to do so. but at the same time, i'm slightly more enthusiastic about working. i feel guilty and unhappy whenever i spend my money when i'm with my friends. i realised i spend more money with others (reluctanntly or not) than on my family. i feel so damn bad now.

although my left wrist still hurts from friday, talking to rosanne made my day. i think i'm having a crush on her again. i wished i can talk to her all day. i need to hone up my conversation skills, it's always bore people when i keep asking questions. but what else can i do when i don't know much about other stuff?

although the probability of me failing the exam later is 50% (lateness probability is also 50%) , but seeing the smile on my mum's face while watching guess guess guess on channel u is worth it. so pure, so innocent like a child.

i love my mum.

happy birthday to my brother and lee yi wei.

i think i'm screwed for exams and god might not help me again since i deserve it.
i realised sadness can turn into obsession and then into hatred.
i just can't get down to study for 10 mins. hope i won't fail my exams.

i hope i won't get emo and destroyed everything they planned for jiayi later. it's always me and me although it's not my birthday.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hwwx2kfSa6Q&NR

although this is nothing really related to me, but it never fails to make me tear and sometimes think back of the past. i feel like such a anti social failure. i want to live in it, not memories. but how?

i was horny but not now because of the last post..

maybe i'm not open-minded or traditional or whatever you call that. but after the last post yue chin put up. it drives me nuts and left me thinking about something for a while. i want to be her younger brother or cousin or boyfriend. hahaha.
why am i born so short and ulgy and stupid and unfit?

i'm so pathetic that i talk to myself.

i totally dislike my father's attitude. he sucks. after peeling his dead skin on his feet, he doesn't wash his hands and went to touch the switches all over the house. the worse was he didn't showered (definitely) or changed(maybe) for 3 days since he didn't come home. he even tried to deny what he did and went to use wet tissue paper to clean all over the switch. i think there's something very fucking wrong with him. he just had another fucking accident outside knocking don't know what freaking car.

I REALLY DOESN'T WANT HIM TO COME BACK HOME EVERYNIGHT, COME BACK WHENEVER I'M IN SCHOOL OR OUTSIDE.

i've been waiting for him to say he doesn't want to provide for this family so that i will be forced to work and earn my own living.

happy birthday audrea lan. i hope you're alright and do not do anything silly at the other end of the world. god bless.

i skipped two different lessons in three days, landscape managment lecture and property management tutorial, a total of 3 hours. i'm scared i will fail propert management exam.

i saw the same girl at the balik kapmpong bazaard today. she was wearing a navy blue cotton knitted sweater and a bright green billabong or ripcurl( i can't remember) mini skirt. she is not that tall but is attractive and most probably from mass comm. smart. also tanned skin.

today, elfie and i jogged (4km) and went to the gym for a while to do 'upside down' situps (i don't know what you call that).

my right knee hurts and is still hurting now. it's starting to screw up everytime i run or play soccer recently. i was wondering whether the dislocation/bulging bone in my left knee is a blessing in disguise since it doesn't hurts except that i can't kneel down on it.

i surfed some sites related to soccer and forgot the time till now. haven't started on my work and is having 9am lesson tomorrow. and i think i have to redo tutorial 7 since there's no time to do so tomorrow as it's torn when i lent kim wei.

i so feel like not doing any work but go to sleep right now.

there's so much work to do, i don't know where to start. i want to run, swim, play soccer and grow taller yet i can't afford to fail my modules.

suddenly i don't really know what i really want or i never did.
getty image's pictures are just breathtaking.

i can't finish my work and feel like sleeping now. do not have the motivation to do anything as i'm having a stomach pain since 9pm and it's not the kind i experience frequently. it just hurts inside, not gastric or bloated or anything. maybe it's the pear i ate. anyway, i wished my dad didn't come home. i'm so used to him not coming home. in fact, when he comes home, i can't really get to sleep.

i am late and i can't be bothered. i dislike projects. i have no friends. when there is proejcts, i want to do the things i want to do. but when there is no more project for the week, i feel so empty because i'm already so used to doing project to occupy my time even though i get frustrated because i think all of the content is what i did and i don't know how to explain. i'm already to used to doing something that i can't do what i want to do. i'm feeling so lonely today. what shall i do after school? it sucks. i don't want to work/do tutorials/study all my life as i think i won't be in this industry.

went to watch pirates of carribean: dead's man chest at jurong point with my siblings today. it was good to see that they are growing up and learning. how i felt at that moment cannot be described. it was the first time they ate in subway and after i taught jeremy how to order. i made him teach jasmine how to order, choose whatever topping, sauce, etc that they want.

i seriously wish they will not follow my footsteps of being antisocial and insisting on doing what they like when they know they don't have the training/or groups of friends/willpower to do what they want solely by themselves. they have to choose another alternative unless they want to suffer like me. i can't explain to them but can only see them go through the somewhat similar process that i went through. this makes me feel useless.

i seriously hope neither of them are having an affair outside or anything. i had moodswing yesterday and suddenly i didn't feel like doing any work. i didn't even swim for two weeks already neither did i went to jog. unable to curb myself, i sinned not too long ago.... i also started to wonder if i was walking by faith and it takes such a long time because i know something will happen. i am like bluffing myself to be happy and i know that will not last as it is a deception.

i'm officially shorter and lighter now. 163cm and 54.9kg. i wonder why.

god have been kind to me. i have been reading the book and my thoughts are not so negative these few days. started to go swimming and jogging two weeks ago. intending to make it my weekly routine if time and schdules allow. swimming does makes me feel satisfied although some elderly and kids swim so many more laps yet much faster than me and my hair is totally dried out/spoilt (i don't know), not smooth and silky anymore.

i have begin to feel the pain in my right knee rencetly even if i don't walk much. the workload from school is getting so much heavier day by day. i can't decide whether to join a cca. the awkwardness of being a yr2 together with yr1, projects, time management, friendships and really being happy in that cca... but the rest of my schoolmates are getting so many cca points, experiences, friendships and resume built up. but my pride and being not contented. 2 wrongs.

i'm starting to worry again. the third wrong.

oh yes, i saw a lady/female young adult on the bus today when i get back from ttsh. talking about this. let me digress a little, i went ttsh twice and i wasted my time and money travelling there. i have to make an appointment to go there again with at least another two classmates/tripmates so i will get to save about $35 on consultation fees. it's so expensive and troublesome to get a travel pre evaluation because everyone have different timetable/schdule, which is the main reason(that i forgotten) why i wrote an entry today.

coming back to the lady, i think she stays in the condominium just beside raffles town club. she's like slightly taller than me and wearing a black flowery designed dress and flats. she have long hair, nice skin, pretty(i don't know what is pretty) and good figure(i supposed) and there is a charisma about her. she just attracts me and melts me heart. i was feeling as if jessica alba/keira knightley was standing beside me. she was not dressing skimpily though she did stretch her dress down a bit and she uses a samsung phone of an old model. only after she left the bus that i thought i should smile at her when she looked at me and tell her she is very sweet looking and attractive. maybe this might start to become a good social psychology experiment in the bus. maybe if i dressed in jeans and carry a crumpler that makes me looks more mature she would have a deeper impression and i would stand a chance to know her. maybe she's already married but i assume she's 22. but seriously, i can't even remember how she looks the minute after she alighted from the bus. i can only remember her dress, her footwear colour, her purse, her phone, a mole on her face, the colour of her bag, her toe nail colour and where she stays. i might want to take 190 every tuesday opposite far east plaza around 5.30pm.
one word.
lust.