i was wondering what will happen if i get prostate cancer?

drinking whole milk increases the risk of getting it. oh man. i've have already drunk almost more than 10x5x 4x 12 cups of milk in my entire life. crap.

this family let me learn alot, but also make my faith waver. it will be good if i can truly learn from all this, and i might be on my way to becoming someone famous like those sucessful people. but i can't really be bothered or get vexed about it from the bottom of my heart. that's something weird. maybe i'm already 'numb' to it. if i were to really learn from it, it must be from the bottom of my heart. i need more of such experience. human are interesting.

michelle wie and maria sharapova makes me happy and sad. they're so young yet so rich. and they are so much taller than me. sexy.

oh yes, elvin ng is damn hot too.

singtel broadband is pissing me off. it tells you to reboot your system almost every single day when IE doesn't display anything. wth is that? freaking nathan. i'm not what you as good as what all of you think.

i was looking at the mum but the daughter caught my attention immediately.



so cute, but i have bad camera. i was wondering why the mum dress so nice, but the dad....



some anonymous guy wearing nice bathing ape shoes when i was waiting for bus opposite chinatown point



boring. i was playing with my pimples.



woohoo! nice. i think i should go to operating theatre to see how they operate on humans. might be fun. like jack shephard! but sawyer gets to hug kate.

reading felicia chin's blog made me realised i take my parents for granted in everything they do for us. i do not cherish my time with them. sometimes i find them irritating. i don't know. i think they should take a little break, don't be to hard on themselves and provide everything for us. i don't know, it's just my brain. but my heart doesn't ache. weird.

i think i need an ipod.

i'm so not tired. but i'm super high high high. ann siao is so cool!

avril lavigne rocks my socks.
it's so beautiful it makes me wanna cry.
this moment is perfect, pls don't go away.
i need you now.

hahaha. shit this is making me emo. not high already. yeah FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT song alr!

wow. all american rejects songs are nice nice nice. fight fight fight! cool. i get to see my classmates tmr. woohoo. after test tmr might be fun like nathan i think. but i not sure whether the rest have test on thurs or fri. crazy. ann siao! i can't even run 100m in 13secs. omg. wooooohoooo. please read blackjetta everyone. omg. she's so cool. hahahaha. byebye.

i was watching the postsecret video and i realised it's been almost two years since i wanted to owe that first published postsecret book but it's $30+. wow. and stargirl. i wonder when am i going to own them.

i took a bottle of coke light to drink without realising it contains caffeine and it makes me hungry now. i'm already have some difficulty with sleeping because of tmr test. it only makes it worse. argh. anyway, this picture is kind of hot i think.

i'm talking to grace tan now. it's so cool and i like talking to her because she can make me laugh and smile like crazy. she is funny, thrifty, patience and have nice skin that makes me so jealous. but she is still my friend.

but but but, i keep bullying her. that's why she is my 'good friend'. if i stop bullying her and then if she is still my good friend means she's really a good friend to me. ok. sorry, there's something wrong with me. bye bye. time to watch lost. and i hate my head now, but i can't get to sleep. i don't want to sleep. sigh.

oh yes, i prefer jesseca liu to felicia chin now. oh no!

taking bus rides to kap was fun. the bus inspector was in the bus but he was busy doing something else. wow. i was thinking when was he going to do spot check but he didn't. and i saw one damn handsome caucasian. he's so hot. nice hair, nice eyelashes, nice cute body though not muscular. i don't know what tee he wore but it was dirty green, a black shorts with orange socks and red adidas track shoes with deuter bagpack(i like). caucasian doesn't have to wear nice clothes to stand out because they are already so outstanding.

the cold storage in kap was so busy and there's so many people to see. good place to do experiment. wow. cool. going there today reminds me of yesterday. so fun. ok, not fun but it kinds of cheer me up. i mean make me smile. hahahaha.

ok, i'm getting tired. ahhh. dinner with malaysian aunt later. then then then tests and exams can be so boring.

happy belated birthday to jia yi and jia wang.

wow. firstly, i just realised that two of my female friends live in the same block and they do not know each other. secondly, i went to the same block twice today because of the two friends. so cool!

i kind of secretly like jiayi knocking my head(but not so hard la). so cute. hahahaha. (ok, now it's not a secret anymore.) sorry for making you walk and walk and walk with your heels. i know how much it really hurts, ouch. like wearing soccer boots which will make your heels bleed after the entire match. but yes, i really need to get a drink on the way because i was thirsty and i scare my stinking breath will turn you off.

argh. like always i do not know what to do and stunned when she is always the one taking initiative. i feel bad/rude cos 'reject' her, but how? i cannot like anyhow, if not it's kind of inappropriate/rude also? but birthday girl leh, it's ok right? but why i never? well almost almost. why i 10000000 years never hug the opposite gender alr. but it's also good in another way, cos if i hug anyone then later anyhow think also die. ah, but i feel kind of regretful.

jia wang, thanks alot for offering to pay up first; but that's if you willing to accept our payment. sorry, i think u expected the belt right. i'm still not creative or romantic enough. still have lots to learn.

i feel sad yet happy. wow, sajc/acjc and soon to be universities. and they do know what they want in life. what about me? i feel like i'm forever stagnant at stage.

it also sucks to be a guy because u get horny easily. well, this sucks. be a girl is better. when you're a guy u need to do so many things. well, girls are gettting more indepedent but they still have a choice. ok, actually not. girls have to do so many household chores and that sucks too. ah, nature, damn it. defy nature. well, gay is kind of cool, but not when you're doing sports or in the bedroom though.

i'm so almost sure that i doubt i can/will take care of my parents when they're old. they are not sparing a thought for me by doing things for us. they think it's for our own good by making us comfortable. but the fact is they are making things worse. they will increase their chances of being ill faster as they age.

by not doing anything for us, we also get to learn. if not we will not be forced to learn, always being spoon fed and suffer when i get out to this society. when i freaking work, i will suffer and when i suffer the pay will be less. when the pay will be less, i will be les healthy and grow fatter. when i'm fatter, everything will screw upside down inside out. it's a vicious cycle. but by not having money, i can't even support myself. how to support them? what about my siblings.

maybe i go joing taliban. i like the way is sounds. ta-li-ban. well, i always have been secretly admiring osama in some ways. he's a genius in some way.

woohoo. most probably going to retake napfa again next sem. happy nathan. i saw the my napfa tester taking napfa today. wow wow wow. colourful converse sling bag, black adidas shoe bag, brown running shoes, pink slippers. i think she took 16.03min for 2.4km. shouldn't wear her watch and listen to ipod, if not can be faster. aiyo. but wow wow wow. like she's the only two girls there.

i wanted to thank her but i don't dare and i guess she must be thinking that both of us are cursing and swearing at her because of our results last week. oh no! but actually, i was secretly admiring her la. pls let me see her in school again... but i don't know her name or height or school or course or anything except that she's in yr3. proness. hahahaha.

so dead for fyp interview tmr. good job. god bless me.

ok, suddenly i vaguely remember that k told me she have a bf? or no? saded.

wow. i realised my english is so screwed up.

i guess i'll get my retribution when i become a parent. i don't feel bad anymore. i'm still so bloody immature. more money = longer working hours = no hot body = not so fit. but having a hot bod doesnt mean you're fit. oh well. screw up.

sleeping and waking up early is not very good. just because i woke up from 4-6+am but i didn't bother to wake my sis up despite knowing she was going to be late for sch can let my mum condemn me. told me to wake her up at 6.30am ltr. to her, there's not a single night that i will not sleep. i'm so short is because of lack of sleep, not the genes. not anyone's fault but mine. i feel like leaving hm now. i will be glad if paris hilton can hire me as a personal slave so that i can fly over to europe/america right now.

today was full of suspense. fyp and sec 2/6 grp of friends i met. wow. like first time in my life i get caught in such a situation. and i saw joy working in mooks. so fast time have past. the last time i met them was 7july on kelly's birthday. ah. dunno if they really have got nothing to do then wait for me. still feel bad but actually not really now because i know they won't mind. =X

well, ok. must make an effort to meet them before kelly flies off on 2 sep. oh no, jia wang and jiayi's birthday clash. great. oh yes, sitting beside evon was kind of cool/exciting/fun/too many random feelings. caramel frap from starbucks was love. like finally i get to drink starbucks since a million years ago.

sth is gonna happen.

having no cca records irks me. i do not know what happened during this 2 years in ngee ann. i can't help regretting but this cannot go on. i have so much less experience compared to others. the only thing i can do now is to seriously consider what career path to take if not i'll be wasting 3years like what ivan kor kor told me. i still haven't see the harsh reality out there and have no right to comment on anyone.

hopefully, everything will be over soon. the workload the school gave is unbearable and it caused unhappiness among people; friendship.

i guess i cant be a good friend to anyone. i just cannot put others before self even if playing soccer now. what happened?

i feel so lost, tired and moody without friends around me especially when i'm at home. think this is not a very good sign. talking to yong kai now, it's been such a long time since i last saw him. a very good trustworhty friend who is also good in soccer.

these few days have been crazy. i never read a single blog. everyone is doing their work and i like this feeling of unity in class. all of us chionging our work, helping each other. i don't like to owe people thing. i'm just afraid i can't help/repay in future. oh well, i guess that's just a stupid excuse to say i'm really selfish ultimately. there's lightning and thunder now i doubt there will be napfa. and if i carry such a big bag to sch, it looks so idiotic. i'm feeling so tired. my energy is being drained off so quickly when i woke up just an hour ago. it sucks to fall sick at the crucial moment. sorry to everyone whom i have spread my sickness. pls let me get well soon.

actually, i was sleeping at 10 but i just can't continue to get to sleep now. so damn tired and i don't know what should i do now. hrf or memorise mqe script and presentation or read about bmd if not i dun know what defects are what , how to do the project. i like my friends but i dislike schoolwork. getting sick soon.

please tell me when should i be sensitive and when should i not? i think i'm too much in a way, but i meant good. all the lifeskills IS modules i took is still not enough. how do i balance it.

although i slept very late yesterday, i had enough sleep and was fresh. i just didnt know why i was so moody today. partially because i missed the quiz and i had to admit i was sad. but when i was going to totally heck care abt it, george yuen gave me another chance when i gave him that stupid face. he was so nice to me and i felt bad/guilty.

i was abt to give up again when both of you helped me out in the quiz. thanks. it was fun/meaningful that i managed to talk to kx,yj and grace kwan a little more. i guess i get to know them a little teeny wenny more after today but i might be wrong.

i realised i judged too much in the past. i'm still doing it now and it sucks. i totally do not know if this change is good or bad, i'm feeling happy at the moment especially in school when i joke or laugh but i'll tend to worry more for my results more than ever. should i keep my mouth shut because i talk without thinking much now and it might have hurt others unintentionally without me knowing.

there's so much more but i can't really think anymore. pls let me fall alseep soon.

all was good until now. it seems that things have gone back to the same but no. once there's scar inflicted, there's just this insecurity/fear that will remain forever. it seemed that he have changed but he should put himself in her shoes. actually both parties should do that (but she's hurt so she don't really have to do that) and then look at it from a 3rd person's point of view so that they can understand each other better. balance is the key. quarrels and jokes happening at the same time confuses me. it's fucking scary. i can't get to sleep again.

dear god, please bless everyone especially my family and friends.

my left toes still hurts now. well, i hope it will be ok soon, if not it's like my right ankle now and i wonder when will it recover. it sucks. but i should be grateful that it didn't break my toes.

i guess all of us have to move on in life at one point of time, it's only just when. it might take some time but you can do it. :)

i'm easily influenced. reading my classmates' blog makes me want to blog just for the sake of it. taking long 963 bus ride alone to vivocity was depressing. i wanted to approach mrs law in vivocity but i need the toilet urgently and then i lost her. she's one of my favourite teacher and the one i let down for o's chem too. sitting by the sea taking an hour long long john silver dinner alone makes people think you're a pervert/lunatic espcially when there are couples everywhere.

but standing on the barricade, feeling the sea breeze while looking at the monorails and cars travelling past the gateway was therapeutic especially when i was so frustrated and getting a headache because i do not know what to get. it was so awkward that one of the pull and bear staff recognised me and must be thinking - "why this stupid boy walk in and out for five times and not buy anything. no money don't enter the shop la. a piece of tee only cost $20++ still take so long decide. customers like him should go and die."

well, i guess soccer and window shopping doesn't relieve my pain anymore, i need to find a new solution. i just have a weird house.

cutest pic.

i need someone to cure me or help me end my misery.

i do not know what should i do now. it's so screwed up cos i slept in the afternoon. anyway, many things happened. sentosa was fun. i'm hope the girls had fun. i like it when everyone enjoys themselves and there's peace and harmony. mum's birthday was screwed again because i quarrelled with my siblings. the incident in the bus make me realised something. i feel inferior when standing beside a girl taller than me but i like tall girls. it's too conflicting. this two weeks term break doesn't rejuvenate me. it was a monday blue for everyone. how difficult can be to wish someone happy birthday in front of the boys. i still can't do it. i'm so tired of everything. but it's paolo maldini birthday today. :)

i realised there's so much to life. sometimes i just feel education takes up too much of our life that we can't even do and enjoy the simplest thing. now i might know why my paternal aunt and her whole family migrated to new zealand for slightly more than a decade ago to live by a sea and open a small convenience shop there. i still haven't got a chance to go visit them yet. sigh.

i need to escape to the countryside of some other country and probably do some social work overseas later. first, i need to find myself again but i doubt i can do it in this environment. i'm still in the process of doing that but i think i'm just weird. i'm like totally lagging and not not in tune with my age. when i'm 12 i do what a 10 year old does. when i'm 16 i do what a 14 year old does. even till now i still get lost in orchard. i should be doing stuff like working part-time, learning driving, partying, socialising, etc. yes? i just can't do what a 19 year old should do when i'm missing out any other "younger phrases" of life. this might explain why i'm such a freaking loner and so anti-social.

this sem might be a flock. tutorials aren't like tutorials. i've this habit of being late for the first lesson everyday at least for half an hour. i don't know why there isnt any motivation anymore. i have this very strong feeling i won't be lucky anymore since god bless me with improving results every sem when i do not put in extra effort.

i've changed. i do not care as much as i do in the past. i do not agree with my friends anymore when i feel it's wrong. i screwed evon, and made some others not so happy especially grace tan when i tried to tease her. it's become a habit for me to be less polite to her. it definitely feels better when i can joke and talk more, but relationships are more fragile.

watching the inter-jc soccer matches make me so nostalgic. i want to experience that too. but i can't anymore. i just keep thinking about it. even if i quit school now, it wouldn't help. how do i fill in this empty void inside me? what can be done? it sucks to live everyday without filling what i really want to do but to do what the society demands of you. i don't want to live with regrets anymore.

working part time doesn't help me to be self sufficient. growing up really sucks. now i know why people don't bother to exercise when they are adults. why you should learn how to be independent. you don't even have time for yourself to sleep yet you can't survive. this world is totaly screwed up.

Does everybody's life revolve around surviving and looking good only to hope that we will have enough money for our retirement? is that our ultimate goal in life? does anyone really give a damn? now the government says even after 65, you can't retire. by that time, you are too old to go backpacking around the world only to know that you wasted your prime years taking care of your children and surviving. think for a moment how many of us are strong enough to do that even if we do not understand how things work in future?

what will the world become? earth will be a haunted and lifeless place sooner or later. so much for the self proclaimed achievements till everyone gets lost. so i prefer the aliens to invade earth right now to save us. god bless.

maybe it's because of the void that i couldn't fill in. i can't feel happy. it's been 3 years. not that i did not do anything, though i have to admit not much was done. but there's some things that id like to try but can't try, to mask this void. it's still empty. even soccer can't help now.

perharps it will be like this forever. is this how a life-time regret is supposed to be?

how can i not try to feel anything and continue to live on with reality? it's just human instinct. i can't control how i feel. it is living dead, worse than being dead.

fuck tertiary educational system.

i fucked my brother up just now when he asked my sister whether she can help him wash his bowl. it's her birthday today and we did not celebrate it. i feel very bad now and i don't know how to apologise to him. i always lose my temper at him. poor brother. youngest and he can't do anything. i'm stuck with schoolwork. damn fucking busy.

i fucking hate projects. i wonder what will happen to my final year project. i realised that guys are lazy but they have a rough idea of what to do for projects. for girls, they're hardworking but they do not know what they have to do. this sucks. i'm feeling trap in this vicious cycle . i totally do not know what i'm studying for anymore, just to survive, to live but not achieving any goals of mine.

i thought my dad changed. but he did not.

i'm trying very hard to like what i'm doing now. but really school sucks, studying sucks too.

i hate school now even though i improve by gpa of 0.3 every single semester. only the second week of school and i have a absent warning email sent to me. i was late, but the lesson was meant to be 2hrs, not 15 mins.

i wonder if i get the job tommorrow, how am i going to cope. i'm so unfit now too.

i feel like a lousy son now. all my parents effort wasted for the past 18 years. i can feel with my heart that my mum is really tired yet i can help but i don't know how to just because i never take initiative too learn. i'm too comfortable with what i have and i take it for granted, not that i don't appreciaite it.

i can't get to sleep and have been lying on the bed for the past 2 hours. In just a few hours time, i'll be in vietnam. i know i make it sound so drama but this is my first time.

god bless me.

i love my family.

it's been quite busy these days. a little not used to having so much stress during the holidays and i think the template i made for the blog is one of the best i have done not to mention spending the most time on it.

i'm not really looking foward towards the trip to vietnam because i'm worried i might die there or something. or make many many enemies when i can't control my temper or get super frustrated as i'm not one who can handle so much stress. one of my concerns is also failing this module. but i hope that once we reach there everything will be fine and i will not be as concerned as to fail or pass because the main objective is to learn and serve.

tomorrow is the day i'm going to take the plane without any relatives. i'm tired. i'm a little worried about my family. i'm paranoid. i hope i won't break down.

i'm tired and sleepy now.

i made rosanne bored again. i really dislike it when i converse with girls online or face to face. it scares me and 90% of the time, i bored them. sigh.

i'm getting worried for my brother. i just don't know why there's this feeling that he might smoke or turn bad. i hope not. as an elder brother, i need to spend more time with him. but it's always going out and i do not know where to go, shop, eat or play. we can't afford to do so. but at the same time, i'm slightly more enthusiastic about working. i feel guilty and unhappy whenever i spend my money when i'm with my friends. i realised i spend more money with others (reluctanntly or not) than on my family. i feel so damn bad now.

although my left wrist still hurts from friday, talking to rosanne made my day. i think i'm having a crush on her again. i wished i can talk to her all day. i need to hone up my conversation skills, it's always bore people when i keep asking questions. but what else can i do when i don't know much about other stuff?

although the probability of me failing the exam later is 50% (lateness probability is also 50%) , but seeing the smile on my mum's face while watching guess guess guess on channel u is worth it. so pure, so innocent like a child.

i love my mum.

happy birthday to my brother and lee yi wei.

i think i'm screwed for exams and god might not help me again since i deserve it.
i realised sadness can turn into obsession and then into hatred.
i just can't get down to study for 10 mins. hope i won't fail my exams.

i hope i won't get emo and destroyed everything they planned for jiayi later. it's always me and me although it's not my birthday.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hwwx2kfSa6Q&NR

although this is nothing really related to me, but it never fails to make me tear and sometimes think back of the past. i feel like such a anti social failure. i want to live in it, not memories. but how?

i was horny but not now because of the last post..

maybe i'm not open-minded or traditional or whatever you call that. but after the last post yue chin put up. it drives me nuts and left me thinking about something for a while. i want to be her younger brother or cousin or boyfriend. hahaha.
why am i born so short and ulgy and stupid and unfit?

i'm so pathetic that i talk to myself.

i totally dislike my father's attitude. he sucks. after peeling his dead skin on his feet, he doesn't wash his hands and went to touch the switches all over the house. the worse was he didn't showered (definitely) or changed(maybe) for 3 days since he didn't come home. he even tried to deny what he did and went to use wet tissue paper to clean all over the switch. i think there's something very fucking wrong with him. he just had another fucking accident outside knocking don't know what freaking car.

I REALLY DOESN'T WANT HIM TO COME BACK HOME EVERYNIGHT, COME BACK WHENEVER I'M IN SCHOOL OR OUTSIDE.

i've been waiting for him to say he doesn't want to provide for this family so that i will be forced to work and earn my own living.

happy birthday audrea lan. i hope you're alright and do not do anything silly at the other end of the world. god bless.

i skipped two different lessons in three days, landscape managment lecture and property management tutorial, a total of 3 hours. i'm scared i will fail propert management exam.

i saw the same girl at the balik kapmpong bazaard today. she was wearing a navy blue cotton knitted sweater and a bright green billabong or ripcurl( i can't remember) mini skirt. she is not that tall but is attractive and most probably from mass comm. smart. also tanned skin.

today, elfie and i jogged (4km) and went to the gym for a while to do 'upside down' situps (i don't know what you call that).

my right knee hurts and is still hurting now. it's starting to screw up everytime i run or play soccer recently. i was wondering whether the dislocation/bulging bone in my left knee is a blessing in disguise since it doesn't hurts except that i can't kneel down on it.

i surfed some sites related to soccer and forgot the time till now. haven't started on my work and is having 9am lesson tomorrow. and i think i have to redo tutorial 7 since there's no time to do so tomorrow as it's torn when i lent kim wei.

i so feel like not doing any work but go to sleep right now.

there's so much work to do, i don't know where to start. i want to run, swim, play soccer and grow taller yet i can't afford to fail my modules.

suddenly i don't really know what i really want or i never did.
getty image's pictures are just breathtaking.

i can't finish my work and feel like sleeping now. do not have the motivation to do anything as i'm having a stomach pain since 9pm and it's not the kind i experience frequently. it just hurts inside, not gastric or bloated or anything. maybe it's the pear i ate. anyway, i wished my dad didn't come home. i'm so used to him not coming home. in fact, when he comes home, i can't really get to sleep.

i am late and i can't be bothered. i dislike projects. i have no friends. when there is proejcts, i want to do the things i want to do. but when there is no more project for the week, i feel so empty because i'm already so used to doing project to occupy my time even though i get frustrated because i think all of the content is what i did and i don't know how to explain. i'm already to used to doing something that i can't do what i want to do. i'm feeling so lonely today. what shall i do after school? it sucks. i don't want to work/do tutorials/study all my life as i think i won't be in this industry.

went to watch pirates of carribean: dead's man chest at jurong point with my siblings today. it was good to see that they are growing up and learning. how i felt at that moment cannot be described. it was the first time they ate in subway and after i taught jeremy how to order. i made him teach jasmine how to order, choose whatever topping, sauce, etc that they want.

i seriously wish they will not follow my footsteps of being antisocial and insisting on doing what they like when they know they don't have the training/or groups of friends/willpower to do what they want solely by themselves. they have to choose another alternative unless they want to suffer like me. i can't explain to them but can only see them go through the somewhat similar process that i went through. this makes me feel useless.

i seriously hope neither of them are having an affair outside or anything. i had moodswing yesterday and suddenly i didn't feel like doing any work. i didn't even swim for two weeks already neither did i went to jog. unable to curb myself, i sinned not too long ago.... i also started to wonder if i was walking by faith and it takes such a long time because i know something will happen. i am like bluffing myself to be happy and i know that will not last as it is a deception.

i'm officially shorter and lighter now. 163cm and 54.9kg. i wonder why.

god have been kind to me. i have been reading the book and my thoughts are not so negative these few days. started to go swimming and jogging two weeks ago. intending to make it my weekly routine if time and schdules allow. swimming does makes me feel satisfied although some elderly and kids swim so many more laps yet much faster than me and my hair is totally dried out/spoilt (i don't know), not smooth and silky anymore.

i have begin to feel the pain in my right knee rencetly even if i don't walk much. the workload from school is getting so much heavier day by day. i can't decide whether to join a cca. the awkwardness of being a yr2 together with yr1, projects, time management, friendships and really being happy in that cca... but the rest of my schoolmates are getting so many cca points, experiences, friendships and resume built up. but my pride and being not contented. 2 wrongs.

i'm starting to worry again. the third wrong.

oh yes, i saw a lady/female young adult on the bus today when i get back from ttsh. talking about this. let me digress a little, i went ttsh twice and i wasted my time and money travelling there. i have to make an appointment to go there again with at least another two classmates/tripmates so i will get to save about $35 on consultation fees. it's so expensive and troublesome to get a travel pre evaluation because everyone have different timetable/schdule, which is the main reason(that i forgotten) why i wrote an entry today.

coming back to the lady, i think she stays in the condominium just beside raffles town club. she's like slightly taller than me and wearing a black flowery designed dress and flats. she have long hair, nice skin, pretty(i don't know what is pretty) and good figure(i supposed) and there is a charisma about her. she just attracts me and melts me heart. i was feeling as if jessica alba/keira knightley was standing beside me. she was not dressing skimpily though she did stretch her dress down a bit and she uses a samsung phone of an old model. only after she left the bus that i thought i should smile at her when she looked at me and tell her she is very sweet looking and attractive. maybe this might start to become a good social psychology experiment in the bus. maybe if i dressed in jeans and carry a crumpler that makes me looks more mature she would have a deeper impression and i would stand a chance to know her. maybe she's already married but i assume she's 22. but seriously, i can't even remember how she looks the minute after she alighted from the bus. i can only remember her dress, her footwear colour, her purse, her phone, a mole on her face, the colour of her bag, her toe nail colour and where she stays. i might want to take 190 every tuesday opposite far east plaza around 5.30pm.
one word.
lust.

i wish i can attend my cousin's wedding tea ceremony later in the morning but there is freaking property management test at a freaking 9am. it sucks because i just started studying not too long ago and i might just fail it if i forget all the calculations tomorrow as i can only have about <5 hours of sleep, and i can't memorise for nuts. stupid course that requires so much memory work.
thank goodness financial management has many calculations, but i forget all those theory part i memorised so i hoping to get >75. girls who don't look like they play soccer yet they do, are getting more and more attractive.

screw financial management. F it.

i don't really like those who are better than me (born smart or hardworking) and talks so much or being sarcastic. especially if you are born rich and think that you can survive without going through all those shit (though you really might, but by then your freaking ego is burst) ... if you are born poor and that you are not improving anymore and you think you're so good because there is people better than you... quit acting if you can't act well anytime of the day of this whole social game in your life. i'm a bastard. are you?

sitting on the bus on the way to botanic gardens last monday made me recalled

how my primary school soccer team sung in the bus...

i think we either draw 1-1 or won 1-0 for our first match.

mr donald tan bought rose syrup for us to drink during half time on the way to queenstown field...

i didn't guard the post properly because someone was unmarked and i thought it was my job and left the post, lose 2-1. albert being the goalkeeper scolded me. i teared in the bus sitting at the inner seat while others noticed. albert apologised to me. i learnt never to leave the post no matter what after mr donald tan told me off my mistake...

the moulmein no.7 striker took me down after the goal kicked was taken.. they carrying on playing and thomas scored but i didn't see how he scored... i was taken out and malcolm played. i wasn't that badly injured but the next morning, the whole morning session knew i was the player and is a prefect who was taken down, 'dedicating' my life to school...

our highest scoring game 6-0 played in bukit ho swee primary school (now gan eng seng primary school)

we lost to st. micheals 4-0 and got 2nd in south zone. half of their team was at least half a head taller than us and they were physically fit, they deserved to win.

we lost 2-1 our last match in boon lay secondary school, the muddy field. knocked out off the first round of nationals.. i remembered how nicholas headed out the ball unitentionally if not we could have draw... how the whole goal post tumbled down before the corner kicked was taken becaused wilson pesik guarded the post and grabbed/pulled it down.. how mr donald tan rotated the squad and try to let everyone play... but say thuan did not play for the last match as i played his position while the 6H guy( i forgot his name) took my position as he didn't play before... how we sat there after the match and went back dissapointed.

my short stint of this competition has made/break me to become who i am now and i can't forget it ever in my whole life. friendships, trainings, going through everything as a team. the only thing i know i want more than other thing i want. i want to live in it, i don't really want memories... participating in competitions is important to me... i guess if shi ling sees this blog she will understand so much more especially when vjc soccer girls won this year competition and was last in last year's.

somehow losing hope in soccer, the only constant i have... after i realised how i played today...
i can't seem to improve anymore even though i haven't get to the top yet. stagnant for 6 years with cca i don't really like (but still do have memories) in sec sch and ccaless in poly.

self fulfiling prohecy. pass the 5 credit tests or have retest? i really begin to lose interest in studies.

it's been more than a month since i blogged. this semester, i feel that the lecturers do not really teach that well or maybe it's just me that can't absorb what's going on though i pay attention in class. the only lesson i enjoyed is the social psychology module taught by desmond wee. i think i'm doomed for the individual presentation on tuesday.

common test is this week and next but i haven't started studyinig. i've got totally almost no interest. i think i might fail some modules. no more a or b or c. life has not been bringing me to anywhere. i still can't take the intiative to do something first, afraid that it might offend/affect others. i've got to know recognise the face of more people knowing their names in school, but that doesn't help. some others i know online did a better job though.

the inter jc competitions of soccer, hockey,netball,basketball, badminton has ended. this time round, i never never saw a match being played. tears of joy and sadness. some people didn't make it to their wish of having 8 years of gold medals on this last competition. some came back and fought for gold, that they reigned for many years. some never gave up despite knowing that their opponent is going to win. some was torn apart when they had to play against their friends from secondary school. it's only just been a week or two... some are already healed, some are not. some are having mid year exams, some are having their after the june holidays.

and i never had a chance to feel like any one of them since 6 years ago. i'm still as lifeless as ever. totally numb living in self fulling prophecy. just like my dad whom i don't even know whether he's improving or not.

i've signed up for the vietnam community service trip in september hoping that it will help me to realise that leading a simple life is nothing bad but good, look at the kids over there. but that will definetely burn a hole in my parents' pocket.

yeah. i think i did a super duper small contribution... but my words was full of mistakes.
jessica alba wrote an entry too.

hahaha. my dream is to hold the hands of jessica alba or keira knightley or kate beckinsale or jennifer aniston walking down the beach.

i can't get my eyes off you... hahahhahahahaha. i'm stupid, dumb, spoilt, short, ugly boy.

i hurt the feelings of an online friend whom has been a great friend to me for 2 months since before the exams start. we talked everything under the sun revealing my darkest secret no one ever knew. i shouldn't have said anything at first. i'm still so fucking judgemental and immature bastard. things will never ever be the same again. i think being hang to death will be my death sentence in future. i have no feelings as i type this entry and i know something is very wrong.
i ought to be shot to death.

it's just two hours back when...

ufo tofu. says:
hey mate, just want to let you know i got into the music course in SP.

ufo tofu. says:
thank God.

ufo tofu. says:
see ya. =)

i'm glad for him although we seldom talk and just classmates for a few weeks. he's on his way to being successful in what he wants. what about me?

i wonder how is lee yeung doing now. i miss him... it's been a long time since i met or talk to him. he's another person on his way to being one famous artist since 2005.

from postsecret.blogspot.com
http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/994/593/1600/memory.jpg

this is similar to how i felt all these years and will follow me all my life.

i did a stupid thing by scratching myself out of suddenly impulse yesterday night while bathing. now it's so painful and there will be two scars on my body. haha.

and WHO IS THE ONE WHO HUGGED ME SO MANY TIMES? OWN UP PLEASE. ANYWAY, THANKS ALOT WHOEVER YOU ARE.

it was so obvious from 11 to 148. you somehow made my day. =)

i think cassandra ng is so cute and feminine.. maybe she can be my sister. then i can go travelling with her too. lol. and i will get to know sandra ng also. wahaha. ok, i'm day dreaming. but i really wished i have an elder sister.

You Have a Melancholic Temperament

Introspective and reflective, you think about everything and anything. You are a soft-hearted daydreamer. You long for your ideal life.You love silence and solitude. Everyday life is usually too chaotic for you. Given enough time alone, it's easy for you to find inner peace. You tend to be spiritual, having found your own meaning of life. Wise and patient, you can help people through difficult times. At your worst, you brood and sulk. Your negative thoughts can trap you. You are reserved and withdrawn. This makes it hard to connect to others.You tend to over think small things, making decisions difficult.

What Temperment Are You?

Your Inner Child Is Sad

You're a very sensitive soul. You haven't grown that thick skin that most adults have. Easily hurt, you tend to retreat to your comfort zone. You don't let many people in - unless you've trusted them for a long time.

How Is Your Inner Child?

Slow and Steady

Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It'd really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment. They expect you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then usually decide against it.

How Do People See You?

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have low extroversion. Y ou are quiet and reserved in most social situations. A low key, laid back lifestyle is important to you. You tend to bond slowly, over time, with one or two people. Conscientiousness: You have high conscientiousness. Intelligent and reliable, you tend to succeed in life. Most things in your life are organized and planned well. But you borderline on being a total perfectionist. Agreeableness: You have high agreeableness. You are easy to get along with, and you value harmony highly. Helpful and generous, you are willing to compromise with almost anyone. You give people the benefit of the doubt and don't mind giving someone a second chance. Neuroticism: You have medium neuroticism. You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic. Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy. Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is medium. You are generally broad minded when it come to new things. But if something crosses a moral line, there's no way you'll approve of it. You are suspicious of anything too wacky, though you do still consider creativity a virtue.

The Five Factor Personality Test

Your Love Life Secrets Are

Looking back on your life, you will have a few true loves. You've been deeply wounded in the past, and you're still recovering from that hurt. You expect a lot from your lover - you want the full package. You tend to be very picky. In fights, you love to debate and defend yourself. You logic prevails - or at least you'd like to think so. Getting over a break-up doesn't take long. Easy come, easy go.

Your Love Life Secrets, Revealed

Your Seduction Style: Au Natural

You rank up there with your seduction skills, though you might not know it. That's because you're a natural at seduction. You don't realize your power! The root of your natural seduction power: your innocence and optimism. You're the type of person who happily plays around and creates a unique little world. Little do you know that your personal paradise is so appealing that it sucks people in. You find joy in everything - so is it any surprise that people find joy in you? You bring back the inner child in everyone you meet with your sincere and spontaneous ways. Your childlike (but not childish) behavior also inspires others to care for you. As a result, those who you befriend and date tend to be incredibly loyal to you.

What Kind of Seducer Are You?

i just scolded my sister because she was practising for her presentation which irritates me. i know i almost fell alseep just now. jasmine, i'm sorry. i just hope she will read this one day. it's highly impossible and improbable.

fuck. i just sucks as an elder brother.

i hate it when people doesn't even know how to differentiate their underwear and wears your's.

freakanathan.

it's raining now, yet i can't sleep neither can i go out to find present for ying jia.


oh yes, happy birthday to...
ying jia
zi bin
agnes

i just read yesterday's news paper.
i think education is overrated. it's so expensive now, and what do we really learn from it?
we work just to pay back for it. what's the meaning behind all these? yes, people might do research and accidentally invent something. but will most of them do something like that? just one out of 100,000. i think the rest, they will just continue working, since they can't do something significant.

passion will eventually die off. because no money = no talk in the world. how many people really get to do what they want , their passion? or is the 'passion' slowly built up because there's no other way out? desperation/ a need for money builds their passion.

somehow i feel that we're being manipulated by an unknown someone.
we are killing each other slowly subconsciously without knowing. the process is slow and can't be seen. maybe that's world war III is coming soon. chemical war, so high tech. ease all our pain.

managed to fight off those thoughts yesterday. but my exam revision is progressing real slow. not even half the book yet. i think i broke record by studying straight from 5-3. but i know that i will pass somehow, yet i don' t think i can get an A anymore. and i only had like 5hrs 50mins of slp. i always lose to sleep. i don't know why am i so sensitive to noise?!

nonetheless. thank you, Him.

i think i had a dream but i forgot what it was all about.

i can't seem to differentiate reality and dreams.

i knew i never had a good sleep that's it.

good luck to those taking a levels results today.

i've found another person who share the same birthday as me though i do not know her at all. haha. happy belated birthday atalia. also, have a speedy recovery.

although i might fail or just pass my law. i still want to thank Him. this is my 3rd consecutive day from restraining to further temptations. =)

Thanks, Anmin.

happy birthday to:
Lim Zhi Hao
Loh Nyean Chek
Eileen Kiew

belated birthday to:
Aw Pei Shan
Yeo Pui Sze, Yvonne

went cycling at east coast park with the kelly,peishan, peishan's sister, yvonne,puay tze after econs exam yesterday. i'm getting at least 70+ for it, hopfully an A.

after that, we went marche to have dinner. zhenglong, alex, chong jun, thien hoon joined us.
i saw abel too. he's changed alot, afro hairstyle. ok, i shldn't judge others since i get together with him for so many years. it's just a pity.

i was at civic at 9+pm, maybe i walked past blinkymummy and i didn't know... remembered seeing someone taking the escalator hurriedly on the second level at wisma while walking to far east or it might be my illusion after reading her blog.

i don't know how i felt when they handed me the present at ting bahru before going east coast. it wasn't that surprising that they will remember my birthday and gave me presents. but i didn't think much abt my birthday, so it's a lil surprising that they will bother?

i don't know how to say. nonetheless, i appreciated it alot. it's not much better that it's a must to study for law exam today or drowning in my sorrow alone listening to music last year at this day.

this shirt that they went to changed and caused so much trouble/sianness to the people after dinner. thanks peishan!




a new wallet(which came in super handy since my old and tattered wallet is 5yrs old now) and another new shirt.



thanks alot to those who have wished me.

i'm still struggling.

Melvin. -- [noun]: A level headed person who always makes the wrong decision 'How" will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Melvin. -- [noun]: A person of questionable sanity who starts their own cult 'How" will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Melvin Koo -- [noun]: A deadly strain of projectiile vomit 'How" will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Koo Fu Shun, Melvin -- [noun]: A human transformer (Robot in disguise) 'How" will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

i'm worried for audrea though i only know her online. but there's lust? so it's not really considered as totally care. being in a broken family is no fun, she's like left alone with a 'stranger' whom she totally trust now,who might be good or might have ulterior motive behind him. what should i do?

i want to study, i think i can. but if i don't help (how can i help and how i get about doing that) to solve her problem, i feel guilty. i can't even help myself, and i always want to help others when this world doesn't care much. i can't stop.
freaking screwed thinking again.

i think living in america is not that good afterall. i should be grateful.
this is a www how can i go about asking people. but it should be kept confidential. crazy.

i'm addicted to blinkmummy's blog again. i think i having a crush on her. this is madness. haha. imagine if i'm her colleague... doubt so. by the time i graduate, serve ns, get into uni(unless i don't change my course), come out to work. she's probably married. 12yrs gap, never club before, and screwed up thinking of being a pri sch kid once again.
ah. time to watch LOST. something to get my mind out of all these thoughts i can't solve and that is slowly killing me every year.

my head doesn't hurt that much. i think it's the usage of the computer. ok, i can feel it coming back. anyway, thank god. it's not so hurtful now. my test 2hrs from now. i'll pass it, but getting 100 is quite a a little problem. so no AD for this module.

i'm still sick.
my head hurts like mad yesterday.
sorry, god. i didn't mean to put you down in the previous entry.
all the best to my accounting test tmr.

god likes to play a fool out of me. i'm freaking sick now. this sucks.

i had the worst flu of my life yesterday with it dripping down nonstop like water from the tap and sneezed more than 10+ times in a day in my life..
and just now, i realised that i have a bone pertruding out of my thumb in the middle. it's a red circle print. and i don't know why my hands are suddenly so dry even i washed it after touching the balcony's window grill which is rusty and old.

i do not have a dysfunctional family. it's just me who can't handle minor problems which is major problems to me. i was surprised my brother said sorry first while i was washing my boots. i didn't expect him to do that. anyway, i was comtemplating whether to apologise to him while washing my boots. the next few weeks is going to be worse i guess.

now i do not have the mood to do my work. my mood is always flutuating like fuck.

there's so much work to do that before i get started i just can't stop thinking of the other work especially screwed up plans.

freak it.

i can't fucking be a parent in future.

it's so damn fucking bored to use fuck and i can't fucking do the fucking work now.

my fucking brain is so fucked up that it is so fucking dysfunctional even when i'm doing this fucking entry without a fucking good reason.

it just doesn't fucking help me in any fucking way.

i can't do any fucking thing now since there's nothing fucking nice to do or interest me that will not drain my fucking energy.

it is my fucking fault that i flare up just now. but can't they fucking give way to each other. so what if one is a parent and another is going thru fucking puberty.

I FUCKING HATE TO GROW UP.

fucking bored day.

dysfunctional family.

i'm fucking myself for the past 3 fucking years in a fucking damn course in np with not so fucking environment.

fucking work which is so much to do.

fuck is not a nice word to use. it doesn't mean anyhthing to me now.

FUCK IT.

nothing much this week except it's ver busy. i still remember how i fell down during econs lecture last week in between ngiap yan and june, putting my hands on ny's table balancing myself.

i slept for about 12hrs on wednesday and abt 16hrs just now.

i had a bad dream about the national exam just now.

i don't know how joy and jasmine(yongkai's friend whom i don't know) is in my house [ in this case, it is joy's house in the dream]. it is the day when they had to take their a levels exams. suddenly, joy just rushed out of the house and jasmine followed. i followed them. in the lift, joy told me how she didn't want to take the a levels and how scared she was. upon reaching the ground floor, joy begin to tear. jasmine and i couldn't control and our eyes were red. we begin to run away. i had to throw my black airwalk bag aside and chase to follow up.

halfway through reaching the playground, i being rational , tried to stop them and convinced them to take the a levels. it was chaotic and i saw joy teared like nobody's business. it was after one round of chasing joy around the void deck before help was sought from joy's chaffeur to stop them. he saw us running away from the carpark and chased after us.

it took some time before joy walked back to the carpark and jasmine just followed us. the both cars at the '190' and '191 or 189' parking lot and couldn't start. it was 12.58pm and the exams starts at 1+pm. during that time, i hurrily went around to pick up my stuff which were scattered all around the slope, void deck, carpark [i don't know how my things were scattered around like that].

joy's dad came down. i don't know why he came down [i never saw joy's dad before but her dad in the dream is someone i saw before but i don't know him]. he knew nothing about the running away as joy had calmed down after that, expecially when after i talked about her dream being a surgeon. he asked the chaffeur what happened to the cars.

i continued to pick up my things while joy's dad inspected the car. they drove off after that. when i reached that parking lot that they car had park in, picking up my pencil or calculator, i realised i was left alone. i didn't know why i was in sajc uniform. it just struck me that i'm a poly student. i woke up.

this dream is quite relevant. o levels results was just yesterday. i'm still thinking of going to jc. i miss joy. and i know why she could run so fast already, because she's the captain of sajc touch rugby now. i don't know why jasmine is over there but i can roughly know why. because she's in sajc in the 1st 3 mths. i just don't know why my house became's joy's house, it was so neatly packed up in the dream. also, why am i in her hosue when i'm not taking the a levels.

i'm still thinking whether should i transfer to rp to study diploma in sports and health sciences or diploma in sports and leisure management.

i think today is going to be another wasted day of my life since i've alreayd wasted 1000++ days out of the 6000++ days i'm on earth.

i went to choa chu kang gymnasium today. my first time. it's so cool. haha. air-coned. no wonder elfie wanted to go there. not like school though it's quite waste of money $1.50. there's so many different kind of people over there, all shape and sizes , tall or short, female or male.

wahaha. i ran 4.84km in 1/2 hr, my aim was to run 5km. but then oh well, i should be happy. i thought i can't even complete 2.4km at first. i should not look down on myself so much anymore. but then it's air-coned so i'm not surprised if i can perform better.

it's good to know that there's a nearby gym. i shall go there every now and then. there's a track for me to run if i don't want to pay. haha. yeah.

she dressed in a black cotton sweater wearing light brown somehow golden spots white top inside with a matching skirt which was short. she thanked me for holding on the door on the way to law tutorial. she also talked to me somehow. not really talk but ask me to join the guys in debating with mrs lee. she was asked to answer qns 1b and she didn't do her law tutorial. anyway, i'm glad she's not hostile to me. chin wei told me she dressed up like a bank officer yesterday. i wished i could see her in formal clothes. she's quite restless now. i wonder why. or maybe she's too tired? hope she will get better...

today i missed a chance to accompany mich to the bus stop. i think she knows that i'm having a crush on her. when she walk past me, she didn't say hi or smile to me anymore. she didn't talked to me since the project and she saw me looking at her during lectures.

i'm thinking whether should i get involved in a drama or film production. i find it quite fun to be in video cam. or all these are just temporary fun that i seek because of the state i'm in now.

i screwed upself up by folding up my sleeve and wearing striped shirt. i also screwed the rest up because i give them flash cards for presentation. but i'm glad it's over and done with.

i ate about 50 prawns within three days. it is a new record for eating the most number of prawns in my entire life, and eating them in two alternate days. i hope i will die of high cholestrol.

This is scary. Someone just screamed. I supposed it's my sister. I was sorry that i kicked her when i walked up the stairs. I knew she was in pain, but i ignored her. It was to teach her a lesson when she should not interfere in what i was doing just now to my brother. I had some ego problem and i didn't apologised to her. I hope she is alright. I didn't mean to do that...

Anyway, during dinner at aunt jacqueline's house. I observed that my paternal grandfather was so lonely. No one talked to him at all. I could see that he was upset from his expression. Yet he was thinking or anxious about something. I supposed he was thinking why he was sitting alone behind my relatives listening to their conversation. I would not want to be neglected like how he is now. I wanted to talk to him but i was too scared. I feel rather guilty now. It was not anyone's fault if he didn't really brought him my uncles and aunts in the right way. Ordering them to do what he thinks is right, yet not telling them why and caned them. It is how it works in the past. Okay, this shall be an entry on my blog for today.

An entry i did on the dreamweaver for my iwd assignment.

i lend mich my calculator today.
i can't stop stop peeping at her all the time during school.
i hope she will pass els retest.
i wonder does jiayi and evon knows whether i'm into mich now.
these few days are so busy, i shouldn't have stoned.
but it was good, at at i'm doing something productive i hoped though i'm v stressed.
talked to mr ho on monday.
still quite lost actually.

project almost killed me. i'm sorry for delaying my work, screwed up the printing. but it was good. i got to talk to michelle more. she's so adorable that makes me want to accompany her to the busstop everday. yesterday was quite exciting, doing project in the dawn with grp members. but i can't take stress. stress only screw me up even worse. i think i know who is a true friend to me. i want to thank kevin for letting me staying over the whole night to print out the papers even though i informed him last min. i really appreciate it. if not i don't know what to do, maybe just sit down and cry/ apologising profusely to my classmate... if he was chee heng, it would be better.