i hate it when people doesn't even know how to differentiate their underwear and wears your's.

freakanathan.

it's raining now, yet i can't sleep neither can i go out to find present for ying jia.


oh yes, happy birthday to...
ying jia
zi bin
agnes

i just read yesterday's news paper.
i think education is overrated. it's so expensive now, and what do we really learn from it?
we work just to pay back for it. what's the meaning behind all these? yes, people might do research and accidentally invent something. but will most of them do something like that? just one out of 100,000. i think the rest, they will just continue working, since they can't do something significant.

passion will eventually die off. because no money = no talk in the world. how many people really get to do what they want , their passion? or is the 'passion' slowly built up because there's no other way out? desperation/ a need for money builds their passion.

somehow i feel that we're being manipulated by an unknown someone.
we are killing each other slowly subconsciously without knowing. the process is slow and can't be seen. maybe that's world war III is coming soon. chemical war, so high tech. ease all our pain.

managed to fight off those thoughts yesterday. but my exam revision is progressing real slow. not even half the book yet. i think i broke record by studying straight from 5-3. but i know that i will pass somehow, yet i don' t think i can get an A anymore. and i only had like 5hrs 50mins of slp. i always lose to sleep. i don't know why am i so sensitive to noise?!

nonetheless. thank you, Him.

i think i had a dream but i forgot what it was all about.

i can't seem to differentiate reality and dreams.

i knew i never had a good sleep that's it.

good luck to those taking a levels results today.

i've found another person who share the same birthday as me though i do not know her at all. haha. happy belated birthday atalia. also, have a speedy recovery.

although i might fail or just pass my law. i still want to thank Him. this is my 3rd consecutive day from restraining to further temptations. =)

Thanks, Anmin.

happy birthday to:
Lim Zhi Hao
Loh Nyean Chek
Eileen Kiew

belated birthday to:
Aw Pei Shan
Yeo Pui Sze, Yvonne

went cycling at east coast park with the kelly,peishan, peishan's sister, yvonne,puay tze after econs exam yesterday. i'm getting at least 70+ for it, hopfully an A.

after that, we went marche to have dinner. zhenglong, alex, chong jun, thien hoon joined us.
i saw abel too. he's changed alot, afro hairstyle. ok, i shldn't judge others since i get together with him for so many years. it's just a pity.

i was at civic at 9+pm, maybe i walked past blinkymummy and i didn't know... remembered seeing someone taking the escalator hurriedly on the second level at wisma while walking to far east or it might be my illusion after reading her blog.

i don't know how i felt when they handed me the present at ting bahru before going east coast. it wasn't that surprising that they will remember my birthday and gave me presents. but i didn't think much abt my birthday, so it's a lil surprising that they will bother?

i don't know how to say. nonetheless, i appreciated it alot. it's not much better that it's a must to study for law exam today or drowning in my sorrow alone listening to music last year at this day.

this shirt that they went to changed and caused so much trouble/sianness to the people after dinner. thanks peishan!




a new wallet(which came in super handy since my old and tattered wallet is 5yrs old now) and another new shirt.



thanks alot to those who have wished me.

i'm still struggling.

Melvin. -- [noun]: A level headed person who always makes the wrong decision 'How" will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Melvin. -- [noun]: A person of questionable sanity who starts their own cult 'How" will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Melvin Koo -- [noun]: A deadly strain of projectiile vomit 'How" will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Koo Fu Shun, Melvin -- [noun]: A human transformer (Robot in disguise) 'How" will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

i'm worried for audrea though i only know her online. but there's lust? so it's not really considered as totally care. being in a broken family is no fun, she's like left alone with a 'stranger' whom she totally trust now,who might be good or might have ulterior motive behind him. what should i do?

i want to study, i think i can. but if i don't help (how can i help and how i get about doing that) to solve her problem, i feel guilty. i can't even help myself, and i always want to help others when this world doesn't care much. i can't stop.
freaking screwed thinking again.

i think living in america is not that good afterall. i should be grateful.
this is a www how can i go about asking people. but it should be kept confidential. crazy.

i'm addicted to blinkmummy's blog again. i think i having a crush on her. this is madness. haha. imagine if i'm her colleague... doubt so. by the time i graduate, serve ns, get into uni(unless i don't change my course), come out to work. she's probably married. 12yrs gap, never club before, and screwed up thinking of being a pri sch kid once again.
ah. time to watch LOST. something to get my mind out of all these thoughts i can't solve and that is slowly killing me every year.

my head doesn't hurt that much. i think it's the usage of the computer. ok, i can feel it coming back. anyway, thank god. it's not so hurtful now. my test 2hrs from now. i'll pass it, but getting 100 is quite a a little problem. so no AD for this module.

i'm still sick.
my head hurts like mad yesterday.
sorry, god. i didn't mean to put you down in the previous entry.
all the best to my accounting test tmr.

god likes to play a fool out of me. i'm freaking sick now. this sucks.

i had the worst flu of my life yesterday with it dripping down nonstop like water from the tap and sneezed more than 10+ times in a day in my life..
and just now, i realised that i have a bone pertruding out of my thumb in the middle. it's a red circle print. and i don't know why my hands are suddenly so dry even i washed it after touching the balcony's window grill which is rusty and old.

i do not have a dysfunctional family. it's just me who can't handle minor problems which is major problems to me. i was surprised my brother said sorry first while i was washing my boots. i didn't expect him to do that. anyway, i was comtemplating whether to apologise to him while washing my boots. the next few weeks is going to be worse i guess.

now i do not have the mood to do my work. my mood is always flutuating like fuck.

there's so much work to do that before i get started i just can't stop thinking of the other work especially screwed up plans.

freak it.

i can't fucking be a parent in future.

it's so damn fucking bored to use fuck and i can't fucking do the fucking work now.

my fucking brain is so fucked up that it is so fucking dysfunctional even when i'm doing this fucking entry without a fucking good reason.

it just doesn't fucking help me in any fucking way.

i can't do any fucking thing now since there's nothing fucking nice to do or interest me that will not drain my fucking energy.

it is my fucking fault that i flare up just now. but can't they fucking give way to each other. so what if one is a parent and another is going thru fucking puberty.

I FUCKING HATE TO GROW UP.

fucking bored day.

dysfunctional family.

i'm fucking myself for the past 3 fucking years in a fucking damn course in np with not so fucking environment.

fucking work which is so much to do.

fuck is not a nice word to use. it doesn't mean anyhthing to me now.

FUCK IT.

nothing much this week except it's ver busy. i still remember how i fell down during econs lecture last week in between ngiap yan and june, putting my hands on ny's table balancing myself.

i slept for about 12hrs on wednesday and abt 16hrs just now.

i had a bad dream about the national exam just now.

i don't know how joy and jasmine(yongkai's friend whom i don't know) is in my house [ in this case, it is joy's house in the dream]. it is the day when they had to take their a levels exams. suddenly, joy just rushed out of the house and jasmine followed. i followed them. in the lift, joy told me how she didn't want to take the a levels and how scared she was. upon reaching the ground floor, joy begin to tear. jasmine and i couldn't control and our eyes were red. we begin to run away. i had to throw my black airwalk bag aside and chase to follow up.

halfway through reaching the playground, i being rational , tried to stop them and convinced them to take the a levels. it was chaotic and i saw joy teared like nobody's business. it was after one round of chasing joy around the void deck before help was sought from joy's chaffeur to stop them. he saw us running away from the carpark and chased after us.

it took some time before joy walked back to the carpark and jasmine just followed us. the both cars at the '190' and '191 or 189' parking lot and couldn't start. it was 12.58pm and the exams starts at 1+pm. during that time, i hurrily went around to pick up my stuff which were scattered all around the slope, void deck, carpark [i don't know how my things were scattered around like that].

joy's dad came down. i don't know why he came down [i never saw joy's dad before but her dad in the dream is someone i saw before but i don't know him]. he knew nothing about the running away as joy had calmed down after that, expecially when after i talked about her dream being a surgeon. he asked the chaffeur what happened to the cars.

i continued to pick up my things while joy's dad inspected the car. they drove off after that. when i reached that parking lot that they car had park in, picking up my pencil or calculator, i realised i was left alone. i didn't know why i was in sajc uniform. it just struck me that i'm a poly student. i woke up.

this dream is quite relevant. o levels results was just yesterday. i'm still thinking of going to jc. i miss joy. and i know why she could run so fast already, because she's the captain of sajc touch rugby now. i don't know why jasmine is over there but i can roughly know why. because she's in sajc in the 1st 3 mths. i just don't know why my house became's joy's house, it was so neatly packed up in the dream. also, why am i in her hosue when i'm not taking the a levels.

i'm still thinking whether should i transfer to rp to study diploma in sports and health sciences or diploma in sports and leisure management.

i think today is going to be another wasted day of my life since i've alreayd wasted 1000++ days out of the 6000++ days i'm on earth.

i went to choa chu kang gymnasium today. my first time. it's so cool. haha. air-coned. no wonder elfie wanted to go there. not like school though it's quite waste of money $1.50. there's so many different kind of people over there, all shape and sizes , tall or short, female or male.

wahaha. i ran 4.84km in 1/2 hr, my aim was to run 5km. but then oh well, i should be happy. i thought i can't even complete 2.4km at first. i should not look down on myself so much anymore. but then it's air-coned so i'm not surprised if i can perform better.

it's good to know that there's a nearby gym. i shall go there every now and then. there's a track for me to run if i don't want to pay. haha. yeah.

she dressed in a black cotton sweater wearing light brown somehow golden spots white top inside with a matching skirt which was short. she thanked me for holding on the door on the way to law tutorial. she also talked to me somehow. not really talk but ask me to join the guys in debating with mrs lee. she was asked to answer qns 1b and she didn't do her law tutorial. anyway, i'm glad she's not hostile to me. chin wei told me she dressed up like a bank officer yesterday. i wished i could see her in formal clothes. she's quite restless now. i wonder why. or maybe she's too tired? hope she will get better...

today i missed a chance to accompany mich to the bus stop. i think she knows that i'm having a crush on her. when she walk past me, she didn't say hi or smile to me anymore. she didn't talked to me since the project and she saw me looking at her during lectures.

i'm thinking whether should i get involved in a drama or film production. i find it quite fun to be in video cam. or all these are just temporary fun that i seek because of the state i'm in now.

i screwed upself up by folding up my sleeve and wearing striped shirt. i also screwed the rest up because i give them flash cards for presentation. but i'm glad it's over and done with.

i ate about 50 prawns within three days. it is a new record for eating the most number of prawns in my entire life, and eating them in two alternate days. i hope i will die of high cholestrol.

This is scary. Someone just screamed. I supposed it's my sister. I was sorry that i kicked her when i walked up the stairs. I knew she was in pain, but i ignored her. It was to teach her a lesson when she should not interfere in what i was doing just now to my brother. I had some ego problem and i didn't apologised to her. I hope she is alright. I didn't mean to do that...

Anyway, during dinner at aunt jacqueline's house. I observed that my paternal grandfather was so lonely. No one talked to him at all. I could see that he was upset from his expression. Yet he was thinking or anxious about something. I supposed he was thinking why he was sitting alone behind my relatives listening to their conversation. I would not want to be neglected like how he is now. I wanted to talk to him but i was too scared. I feel rather guilty now. It was not anyone's fault if he didn't really brought him my uncles and aunts in the right way. Ordering them to do what he thinks is right, yet not telling them why and caned them. It is how it works in the past. Okay, this shall be an entry on my blog for today.

An entry i did on the dreamweaver for my iwd assignment.

i lend mich my calculator today.
i can't stop stop peeping at her all the time during school.
i hope she will pass els retest.
i wonder does jiayi and evon knows whether i'm into mich now.
these few days are so busy, i shouldn't have stoned.
but it was good, at at i'm doing something productive i hoped though i'm v stressed.
talked to mr ho on monday.
still quite lost actually.

project almost killed me. i'm sorry for delaying my work, screwed up the printing. but it was good. i got to talk to michelle more. she's so adorable that makes me want to accompany her to the busstop everday. yesterday was quite exciting, doing project in the dawn with grp members. but i can't take stress. stress only screw me up even worse. i think i know who is a true friend to me. i want to thank kevin for letting me staying over the whole night to print out the papers even though i informed him last min. i really appreciate it. if not i don't know what to do, maybe just sit down and cry/ apologising profusely to my classmate... if he was chee heng, it would be better.

You scored as Anthropology. You should be an Anthropology major! Anthropology 75% Engineering 75% Psychology 75% Linguistics 58% Sociology 58% Journalism 50% Philosophy 42% Dance 42% Biology 42% Theater 42% English 33% Chemistry 25% Mathematics 25% Art 25% What is your Perfect Major? created with QuizFarm.com

"Hey, ain't life wonderful? Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful... Isn't it wonderful now?"

I close my eyes when I get too sad
I think thoughts that I know are bad
Close my eyes and I count to ten
Hope it's over when I open them

I want the things that I had before
Like a Star Wars poster on my bedroom door
I wish I could count to ten
Make everything be wonderful again

Hope my mom and I hope my dad
Will figure out why they get so mad
Hear them scream, I hear them fight
They say bad words that make me wanna cry
Close my eyes when I go to bed
And I dream of angels who make me smile
I feel better when I hear them say
Everything will be wonderful someday

Promises mean everything when you're little
And the world's so big
I just don't understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
Tell me everything is wonderful now

Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now

I go to school and I run and play
I tell the kids that it's all okay
I laugh aloud so my friends won't know
When the bell rings I just don't wanna go home

Go to my room and I close my eyes
I make believe that I have a new life
I don't believe you when you say
Everything will be wonderful someday

Promises mean everything when you're little
And the world is so big
I just don't understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
When you tell me everything is wonderful now

No
No, I don't wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now
No
No, I don't wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now

I don't wanna hear you say
That I will understand someday
No, no, no, no
I don't wanna hear you say
You both have grown in a different way
No, no, no, no
I don't wanna meet your friends
And I don't wanna start over again
I just want my life to be the same
Just like it used to be
Some days I hate everything
I hate everything
Everyone and everything
Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now

I don't wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now

shopping makes me sleeps soundly at night after reaching house, leaving my com on and people msging me like mad. i totally can't withstand not sleeping after a day's of window shooping with the female classmates. the taxi driver uncle was cool. we had a conversation and i like it. his daughters are so smart and but he still have to work throughout the night like superman. he made my day and make me realised that what i'm learning now will come in handy in future.

but my future seems so bleak still.

i'm tired again.

met up with weiru,kelly,valen,joseph,lee yeung,puay tze for dinner. jason didn't changed at all, except that his body built was better. i thought i can feel better but in the end i felt extra towards the end.

getting all emo or thinking about jc does me no good and it just can't get off my damn head. a friend from teenfx said i should go to see a counsellor. gd morning/night world.

i think i just know yong kai is the captain of the acjc soccer team from information in friendster.
just want to wish him all the best for the coming competition this year. it's a great honour to know such a good person.
tests is starting in four and half hours time. may god bless me even though i just read through the notes.
maybe i ought to fail and drop out of school and just join a soccer club or start working or escape to melbourne if my parents and relatives allowed.

nonetheless, mr cher yong en, edmund. happy birthday!

my paternal grandaunt just passed away.
i have never seen her before nor heard my parents mentioned her before.

i've not studied and almost all the blogs talk about their new year resolution, summing up of 2005, i've nothing.
but worse of all, i wonder how this news will affect my dad. i was playing soccer when they received the news.
what a great start to a new year.

made a little changes to the template since it is the last day of the 2005 to have a new fresh look for the new year. i should have done this long ago. i love the colour combination. i <3 myself.

but there's no one to call me out tomorrow, i want to ask people whether i can tag along but i might make them feel that they are extras in my life as when i'm bored then i go find them, and some people won't like me to tag along. so maybe i should just go bugis later to see whether the nike voucher is of use to me since it's of no use to my siblings and i might find some new clothes over there.

i like to screw myself up all the time. spent 3/4 of more of my holidays at home staring at the computer 24/7. it's a miracle my eyesight didn't deteriorate. thank god for that. but when i tried to mix around, something will screw up eventually, which leaves me build that barrier between them agian.

http://changeme.gettyimages.com is the recent website i visit everyday. please do take a look at it, it's very thought provoking and helps to do a good dead at the same time. =)

valentina just smsed me and memories of sitting beside her just floods my mind.
i've wasted the whole of 2005.
i wonder how saturday will be spent. i remember vividly how i walked from clementi road to pandan valley to the corridor of mr. khew's house to cineleisure watching blade trinity to boarding the taxi with him and joy. that was the last time i saw him, and i wonder how is he doing right now.
i miss the feeling of sharing a cab with joy. now she's the captain of sa's touch rug, it will be a honour to share a cab with her.

i hate to see my dad watching the television. he turn on the volume so loud and he still can't heard it. he just went to place his ears on the speakers of the television and couldn't see the screen. what's the use of that? and he just doesn't listen to us, thinking that he's still fit and healthy and all. money can buy happiness. but as long as it exist, no people will be freed from anything even if they believe in anything or everything. and seriously, i wouldn't want to take care of someone who has lots of problems when they're old. there's so much to learn to be a better father from my parents and it scares me right now.

one week has past. wasted another day, my houes environment is totally not for studying or anything. but drama queens' blog is so entertaining. i'm so smitten with her throughout the day. she's so princess. =D

And what they didn't know was that their lives have changed forever.
Because they have been part of something great.
And greatness, no matter how brief...
... stays with a man.
Every athlete dreams of a second chance.
These men lived it.

- The Replacement

i dislike my home. i wished christmas wasn't here. but if not for today, will many people out there not be happy to celebrate this joyous occasion especially khin?

i'm like silver, living in darkness. except she's a child born by chance and probably have a predictable yet unpredictable future that is more exciting than my.

i'm living in a 5 room flat, yet i squeeze with my parents and my sister in a master bedroom. lying on the floor everyday with a matress which is not longer than me. have to wake up now because the clock radio is being blasted so loud everyday by my dad and i wonder how he slp with it. doesn't he spare a thought for others thought he's in depression or feeling bad? don't they know that i'm feeling bad too? maybe i should really do something to attract some attention, and i know i can't really take it anymore, feeling so weary. but it's isn't fair to my mum.

religion is making my family upside down, especially my sister. she find comfort in church and hence being influenced by the preaching of her church friends. i do not object to it, but then which parents aren't concern with their children? now i see why singapore doesn't talk abt religion. it's so sensitive. osama bin laden. saddam hussein. war. there will never be peace as long as religion is concerned. my brother is using vuglarities at the rate of i do now, which is bad. he's going to a new school, and i hope he will not get influenced or anything especially at this age. and i wonder why do i use that damn f word every single day now with the middle finger. it's christmas and i was thinking if i can go to school for a swim since no one is there to laugh at me on how slow i swim and the way i swim. happy birthday jesus christ.

i never really liked christmas or christmas eve since 13.
tsunami. may they rest in peace.

thomas ong is so so so so so so so so so so so so duper freaking handsome!

i'm going gagagagagagagaga over him.

Thomas Ong ROCKS! he's the first actor i liked since young. he's so boyish,handsome,tall. love conceige is a nice show.

although yesterday was a day filled with activities, went to snow city and played soccer after that. it didn't manage to keep me happy today. sentosa on monday wasn't that fun as i thought though i played volleyball (which i sucks) with some yr3 IT students from np/sp and students from nus sci faculty. one of them who has permed hair, wearing a white esprit top with a beige-brown billagbong shorts and pink roxy slippers is so attractive, the way she speaks makes me want to melt. and she's taller than me. haha, talking about her makes me happy now.

i envy the 3 'siew' sisters. their blogs makes me happy and sad. their famil, friends and everything is so good.

fuck is a useful word. it can be a noun or verb or adjective. fuck shit.. fucking hell. fuck you.

i don't know what i want for christmas and who to give present to. if i'm going to do so, this will be my first time.

sometimes i hate people to say thanks to me, it's so formal that i feel i'm not their friend thought i start to believe that i'm motivated by appreciation. it's should be that way, we should help each other and it should be out of concern. but i'm doing it hoping to rekindle that kind of closer relationship 5years ago.

i dread tests, it's so fast, half the semester is gone.

been very tired these few days due to schoolwork. i think i'm being condemn by my advisor just because i don't bother to distort a smile on my face. so much about first impression...
being consistant doesn't help at all, it's the exams that all counts. watched superhost just now. i can only say humans are hypocrites. fake people using feelings to deceive others. damn it. i don't want to see my advisor tommorow or anymore. i just don't realy like her.
school sucks.

been very tired these few days due to schoolwork. i think i'm being condemn by my advisor just because i don't bother to distort a smile on my face. so much about first impression...
being consistant doesn't help at all, it's the exams that all counts. watched superhost just now. i can only say humans are hypocrites. fake people using feelings to deceive others. damn it. i don't want to see my advisor tommorow or anymore. i just don't realy like her.
school sucks.

i was starstrucked today.
i saw 'baluku' on the bus on my way to school.
i saw daphne khoo during lunch. she sat at the next table beside me, just less than 2 metres away. she's quite slim, the tv is supposed to beautify a person, but not for her case. i almost wanted to take the bottle of water chestnut that she drank, but thought it was weird and stupid.
i thought i saw blinkymummy again, but it wasn't her.
i saw an old actress at carrefour just now. she's so tall.
i saw another caucasian. he's so tall that his head is just sweeping the top of the bus. he's gigantic. i want to be his friend!

i thought i saw blinkymummy on the 960 bus on saturday night. but it wasn't her.

Just decided to read through Electrical Systems tutorial questions and call it a day for my schoolwork. Was surfing friendster, i feel happy for my friends who are happy and have moved on in life. Yet i am struggling with my own life. Holding on to this small little faith has this excruciating pain of wondering when it will come true again. I dislike this semester timetable which does not allow us to have regular sleeping time. I slept for 8 hours yesterday, and i'm left with 3hours of sleep now. There's 4 different tutorial tomorrow, also the most tired day of all. I have finished 3 other tutorials, leaving ELS half done.

Reading blogs have become an essential part of my life. It cheers me up or sets me thinking. I think that i've read through lots of emotional stuff, and put myself in that person point of view. I like being a passerby in blogs, and just tag something encouraging or cheering them up. I'm an introvert,sensor,feeler,judger. So means being a psychologist is difficult.

Talked to my Econs tutor for awhile after i stayed back to ask him some question. Being in poly gives me no chance of studying psychology in NUS, unless i go overseas. I'm in this emotional phrase of life, so maybe it's just curiousity and not passion. I'm easily faltered.

Still have tons of homework for every single module to do, but then i haven't touched it at all. Really starting to lose the motivation of going to school. I've wondered why some people are in the school team, and when they go to another institution, they don't want to continue in that sports. Passion or learning more things is better? Which will lead to success and happiness?

Just a random entry, just to let the 1 or 2 people who reads my blog that i'm still alive.

the past few days was meaningful. got to learn something from church again. saw malcolm baptised, being push down the water and 'resurrect' again. went on city harvest, and there was overseas pastors preaching. both of them are very interesting, esp the guy who sung the song. he's so cool. that was also the first time i offered tithe. played soccer yesterday, and this time i didn't lose my temper, but i know kevin is disappointed with us, because we didn't improve anymore and the whole team is relying on him all the time esp the centre midfield.

i'm still trying my best not to dislike school and being friendly. i don't understand why can't we have the november/december holidays. i still have an hour to slp before going to school. couldn't slp on sat night and just now, i could feel the 'sensation' i felt when i slp very late during upper sec days. and when i was lying down on the bed till 2+, i could feel the 'pain' literally being taken away. is it just my mind or it's god?

wed.
celebrated chin wei's birthday, it wasn't that successful and i got everyone moody at one point for the first time organising a bday surprise. talked during dinner at pastamania about relationship when shi jun took out her horoscope book, and they've concluded i'm a typical piscean.

after watching 'hai you ming tian' just now, i've begin to wonder whether why i liked older girls, is because i'm lack in love and wants someone to take care of me like my mum. but it's not that i'm lack of motherly love like 'ah hong' in the show.

thurs.
pei shan and gang wanted to go for steamboat for a mini 2/6 gathering. but it was raining, watched flightplan and dine at terra at bugis in the end. made jia wang so pissed off that he didn't pick up our call because we cancelled the steamboat last minute when he rushed down to marina bay after sending priscilla off the airport.

i don't mind watching flightplan again! jodie foster is so attractive in the movie. her motherly love.

i don't feel like blogging anymore. but i felt happy on both days except i still can't really be my real self and jiawang was pissed and we didn't bother to sms him to say sorry. and whenever i'm alone, all the negativity just sinks in straight away.

what's the difference between worldliness and reality?

i wanted to press the 'send' button just one minute back, but she was offline already. wait for almost 1hr also no use. haha.

i must be mad. cos i ask wenhsin whether i can get her permission to use the idea to celebrate chin wei's bday. anyway, i've got a feeling tomorrow won't work out and since it's going to be raining, it will be in the mrt station, and i will be super embarassed.

i've just added her in my msn. i'm mad. i even told her my particulars in the email when she replied me asking who am i. i was trying to be fair since i read her whole blog and roughly know how tall she is, her weight, etc. so i was being fair. i think she thinks that i might be a stalker, since she didn't reply my email back.

i want to go swimming with the girls later, but i will oversleep and most probably be embarassed and tired , which will make things worse cos i'm already so moody abt tomorrow.

current desktop background.

Frente!
Bizarre Love Triangle

Every time i think of you
I feel shot right through with a bolt of blue
It's no problem of mine but it's a problem I find
Living a life that I can't leave behind
There's no sense in telling me
The wisdom of a fool won't set you free
But that's the way that it goes
And it's what nobody knows
While every day my confusion grows
Every time I see you fallingI get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for that final moment
You'll say the words that I can't say

I feel fine and I feel good
I'm feeling like I never should
Whenever I get this way, I just don't know what to say
Why can't we be ourselves like we were yesterday
I'm not sure what this could mean
I don't think you're what you seem
I do admit to myself
That if I hurt someone else
Then I'll never see just what we're meant to be
Every time I see you fallingI get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for that final moment
You'll say the words that I can't say

i'm still scared , didn't go for service and cell grp ended when i reach there. i agreed to go next week for cell and service because malcolm is going to baptise next week.

this one comment made my day even though i'm sad/stone for the whole day. never expected this person to leave a comment.

went to polyclinic to take somemore cream to apply for my fungal infection and went to the library to borrow books on mon. borrowed two books, one titled 'addicted to unhappines' , another a non-fiction murder mystery book. left the self improvement to rot , there's too much words and i'm so not interested after i din really know what it's talking abt. just bits and pieces over there.

played soccer on wed with ivan kor kor, and i called the person, i'm not working anymore.

read blinkmummy's blog. haha. she's so intellectual or i should say read entries that makes me go saying "blinkymummy!" to myself and start smiling/laughing. ah, she's attached liao. haha. if she was my sister... or gf. or even my mummy! btw, i'm not psycho.

i smelt blood when i washed my face one week back, and now it's scarred.

i see and smell blood when i brush my teeth since few days back, and my teeth is so yellow despite brushing my teeth everyday. i feel like rinsing my mouth with listerine twice a day to spare me the agony of brushing my teeth when i enter the batheroom. i used listerine to cure ulcers recently [because lazy to apply cream], but will it weaken my gums?

i ate home cook food for the first time this year consecutively since three days back, and i realised that i'm taller than my dad! but he might be shrink, since he's getting old. so i might not even grow at all.

my dad is finally back. the first thing i realised was his stomach [will see why is it so in the later part of entry], it was buldging out like nobody's business. he brought back so many clothes [for himself, since it was given by my uncle] . i know the nike shirts are authenic, but for nautica and lee pants i'm not too sure. the mp3 players in china are not cheap.

this was what my dad told us...

my uncle could afford a condominium in guangzhou, travelled around in a cab all the time, brought my dad to restaurent everyday for meals. the monthly amount for living in the condominium is sgd 3000.

the haircut there was sgd 2 (but my dad's hair doesn't look that good). the real lee jeans was sgd 180, but he bought it in the warehouse for sgd 12.50 . [ i wonder why the lee jeans over there is so expensive... i rather buy two levi's in singapore.]

oh yes, he bought a imitation tag heuger watch when his current one isn't faulty yet. also bought another imitation mount blanc 'look like purse cum sling bag' kind of girly bag for sgd 30+, the real one made of full leather was sgd 100+.

anyway, glad that he is happy after this trip.

=)

didn't go to church, felt a little out of place during service that day when they eat the biscuits and drink.

i spoilt the refrigerator. it was those 30yrs back type, whereby it doesn't defroze and u have to clear the ice every week. i was happily 'carpenting' into the ice and it went into the metal system on the top leaving a 'slit' shaped hole and all the refrigerant escaped. it was very smelly, like the smell of those new shoes we buy and lingered around my finger for few hours.

how am i going to pay for a new fridge? even if i worked for two weeks, it'll be only $400+, and there goes my first pay, so memorable. the worse was my mum just bought lots of frozen food back today, and now it's all in a styreoform box. probably all the 5kg ice i bought have melt by now. haha, so maybe we will get a bigger fridge like the one 6mth back, hope the court pple won't come and seal the items at home again.

feeling that i've done something wrong, i went to start the car engine for 5-10mins, and i stayed in the car for abt an hour [an excuse to escape from home]. looked at the moon, listening to 98.0 or 98.7. everything was same as the other day, except i realised it was only today that i made full use of the dark transparent compartment of the car to look at the sky, after having this car for 3-4yrs. most probably it will be sold off soon, and i will miss the car.
thought of how wonderful it was to go to the beach every week/month to look at the sky with someone close whom i can talk to easily.

thought of how it will feel like to slp in the car without switching on the air-con, thinking if i've tried it, will my mum call me and if i didn't pick up the call, will she come down to the car and save me.i've almost tried it, i was getting rather slpy and my brother just had to call me.

also thought of how people committed suicide breathing cardon monoxide in the car [i still can't figure out till now]. haha, i like one of the techno song playing just now, it just make me grooze to the music and the car was shaking as if something meant not to be seen was going on. makes me want to go clubbing.

yeah, my dad is coming back tomorrow night. finally! and he has got me a lee jeans, which cost only S$12 over there. he seemed so concern abt the family when he's there. i really hope this trip will change him, and he's on his way to become a successful man!

just came back from raffles place. we took 4hrs+ to decide where to go after joseph quarelled with his parents at 11+am. went marina to bowl, then the marina's food junction there eat, raffles place's food junction and had free barley[because yi wei work there part time] and herbal chicken, then drinks at the burger king downstairs.. yi wei has grow up quite alot. the experience he learnt from working at ntuc and food junction. his ngee ann sci course camp, badminton camp, lecturemates, classmates, etc. he told me so much.

it's good to see him really enjoying yet studying. he has open up alot. haha. =) but i knew joseph was bored all the while, he din talk [he became me, who can shut up thru out whole day without uttering less than 10 sentences] . i tried to ask him what happened and he didn't tell me. most of the what yi wei said, he knew almost everything. i've learnt alot from yi wei, yet i didn't manage to make joseph happy.

took the bus back, and there's a girl who sat beside me directly under the air-con. she was so polite, said sorry when she wanted to take a seat. i feel uneasy. she wore a white flowery design skirt and white slippers, carries a white cloth bag. i took a peek at her from the corner of my eyes and she saw wore a black jacket.

coincidentally, when she hang up on the phone, my sister called me. she's so sweet on the phone, so polite and everything. she tried to slp, and curled up, it was obvious she was cold. i wonder whether was i being a gentleman. i wonder if i asked her if she wanted to change place, then i can see her face properly. i knew it was lust.

i was scared to do so, and i had to go to the toilet urgenly, i can't sit under the air-con, it will be worse. so in the end i didn't. i thought she might be older than me, because seldom will female teen willingly to see with a boy she didn't know. if she did, it shows that she don't mind, and most probably she's mature. if at that time, she was my gf. i would gladly exchange place with her. but i guess she has a bf already. i was thinking of the pros and cons of why i had to sit at my place or exchange seats with her, what position shld i sit, what should i be doing, where my eyes will be looking. then it was reaching my stop, i wanted to say sorry to her when i alight the bus, but i didn't. i tried to look in from outside the box, and i think she look quite ok. although i've forgotten how she look like.

i'm mad.

the company still hasn't contact me yet.

and girls are getting taller and taller, my face is so scarred already, pls pls pls let me grow till 173cm.

surfing the websites of overseas universities makes me go mad. hahahahaha. there's so many thing to be learnt and some many things to see and feel and touch in this world. just too many things that i can do and read up on the books to keep me occupied than to get upset and think about what's over in the past.

finding peace with myself shall not be an obstacle anymore.

=)

i envy and feel happy for my outram friends, that they're enjoying their life now. not literally not studying, but the times spent together happily with friends.

too haunted by the past.

my biological clock is still upside down. and the company hasn't email me the information about the date, attire, venue of my job. i don't know why i agreed to meet up with the flagfootball boys when i'm not interested in it anymore.

i'm reading blogs of people of my age studying overseas and realised my dad has went to guangzhou since yesterday morning. and i forgot to say i love him.
now i dun even know whether i miss him or not. but he sure does miss us. he called more than 5 times since he arrived over there. i shouldn't have been so hostile to him. he even asked me what i want to get from china.

maybe i should go overseas to study, then i will really learn how to treasure the people around me. the feeling of not being able to grow up fast and being stuck in between this society makes me not to know what i'm doing.

it is weird not to hear my dad's snore.
i hate myself sometimes.

the first good few songs [25minutues and sleeping child] i've listen when i was 7-8yrs old and memorised part of it are from this band.

Michael Learns To Rock

You Took My Heart Away
(Music and words: Jascha Richter)

Staring at the moon so blue
Turning all my thoughts to you I was without hopes or dreams
I tried to dull an inner scream but you
saw me through
Walking on a path of air
See your faces everywhere
As you melt this heart of stone you take my hand to guide me home and now
I'm in love

Chorus: You took my heart away
when my whole world was gray
You gave me everything and a little bit more
And when it's cold at night and you sleep by my side
you become the meaning of my life

Living in a world so cold
you are there to warm my soul
You came to mend a broken heart
You gave my life a brand new start and now
I'm in love

Chorus: You took...

Holding your hand
I won't fear tomorrow
Here were we stand
we'll never be alone

went faith community baptist church yesterday. was more comfortable because the cell group is all boys and there's malcolm. there's so many teachers there. from nj and nus high school. i like the solemn environment, but not the way how the pastor gave the sermon. maybe i should learn how to like lively environment, then city harvest will be good for me. anyway, it has make me happy scared but happy till now. but it's like hidden agenda to go church. bad, and sinful? and my heart is still unwilling to commit to him?

went to see my grandma yesterday, she was looks alright. hope she can walk as soon as possible, then she'll be able to go out whereever she wants.)

hope it's a good day for everyone today.

played soccer just now again.

before that i helped an old uncle crossed the overhead bridge from my bus stop to the 4th storey of the opposite block which is his house. he raised his voice at me when he asked me for help when i was walking to the bus stop and whenever i didn't have enough strength to support him when he hold my wrist, i didn't quite like it because i'm trying my best. i mean yes, if he's angry or anything because his left leg is bent and he still has to collect cans or his child is unfilial, but how much he can expect from me when one of my hand is carrying his three bag of cans, and the other carrying my hp, shoebag and wallet. i'm carrying a bag also.

he was telling me how good that person was, gave him money to take taxi back home before he asked me for help.

the after effect : thought of being a volunteer, to pity him or me, perspired so much for the first time by just walking a overhead bridge, wasted 38mins , donated $2, my left hand ache so much that i can even hardly lift up or bent it backwards. i'm still angry, thinking of him scolding me as if i owe him a living, and everybody stared at me at the bus stop and on the overhead bridge as if i was his grandson. or i'm acting to be a kind soul.


i realised there's people worse off than me. i seriously hope that it will be better for them. i want to help them, but i still can't help myself. however, all of them are girls. now, i respect jc students even more.

i like talking to my mum nowadays. she's such a funny and interesting person but still doesn't like technology.

love you.

my maternal grandma just had a operation. i hope she will recover as soon as possible. thank god for the successful operation.

it's still so difficult to let people know the real me.

i've passed all the modules. there's isn't any A. all B except bcn and cats , i got a C. wahahahaha. i'm so happy. cos i din study much and didn't really expect to pass. it's good not to compare. i hope no one ask me or tell me their results cos i know theirs are bound to be better than me.

had a talk with malcolm yesterday. should i go touch or chc. touch is nearer and more convenient, opposite my grandma's house. somemore the cell grp consists of all boys. i want to go touch community, but how am i going to tell yingying that i won't be going chc anymore.

=)

oh my.... all the best to those having exams!

i've begin to regret taking up the job which is starting next week till the end of my holidays. no more mixing around with my sec sch friends. somemore next week, it will be free for everybody in school, except those taking a's and o's. everybody will be going out, be together, etc. while i'll be stuck at work.

went to a poly clinic the first time. the doctor was so fierce. her appearance reminds me of the small pri6 girl who buys things from my mum. i shall be as fussy and clean as how i was in pri sch. 1more month to stop doing vigorous sports.

it was the first time i bought something from pacific plaza today. a black reef slippers. i hope it last. usually people will buy those with design to show it's from which company, but weird me only bought the one with no design except a small logo less than 1cm at the bottom of the slippers. and i like it. in fact, i like to buy branded stuff that people can't notice the brand, unless they scrutinise the whole thing. i'm wondering why i like to spend money like that.

met up with lee yeung, paul wai, joseph and yi wei to catch 'the myth' in ps gv. talked for a while, played pool and arcade. felt so much more relaxed and happier with them. =)

hope all the j1/pri sch/sec1-3 students will not be stressed out by the exams. all the best to them, esp my sis, brother, shu zhen, shiling, wei ru, york san, joy.

meet yingying for the 1st time after knowing her online since 4yrs ago.

went city harvest church for the 1st time. the building is nice. learnt something from the service today.

talked to rosanne, chee heng online. i didn't know what i suddenly had the courage to say i still have crush on her on and off. told chee heng something about our friendship, wishing it to be like how it was when we're p6. something so random that i think he didn't know what to reply. but i was too selfish anyway. just hope that he's really happy with his new friends.

reading a jc student's blog. and just did the quiz from the link of her blog.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who have a split personality - cold as ice on the outside but hot as fire in the heart. In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored. You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change. You would be forced to break up with someone who was arrogant, acting like the dictator of your life. Your ideal relationship is comforting. You crave a relationship where you always feel warmth and love. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage. In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

i've got the admin job at tuas warehouse , most likely will start work in mid october and will last for two weeks. 8.30-5.30pm. wow, the time spent there will be worse than when we're preparing for the o levels. hope i can survive, i know nothing about admin. i still prefer giving brochures house to house, can earn more and exercise. most probably, i will join nti and learn things from them; the mlm system, how to speak with more confident and make more friends. but i will try not to pull people in... maybe, by then, when i join, my mentality will totally change? can i go chijmes church to pray?

had a two hours long talk with my mum about life and cheating since 12+ to 2+am yesterday night. i said the whole world was cheating but it's not considered cheating cos majority of the world is doing that. it's human nature to 'cheat' or be 'greedy', including me.

for example, if there isn't any water. then someone found a way to recyle water, selling at $1 per bottle. at the same time, the government brought water back to the country, selling at $0.30. who would u buy from? most people, in fact all will buy from the government. but then no one will buy from the person who 'invented' new water, so it's like 'cheating' on him. because we're not helping him, and credits should go to him since he found a way to help human survive. there are still many reasons to that questions. and my mum kept giving so many other examples.

i realised i've always contradict myself and i was quite convinced that there's not 'cheating' in business world, excluding rob, steal, etc. since everybody has the same nature, but it's because of greed. i'm not as generous as mother teresa, like how much she had contributed to the world. hmm, but if i can't even help myself, how can i help others? if i can't love myself, how can i love others? that's what people always say. so we must fight for what we want, and when we become rich, then we're able to help others?

everything has a good and bad reason, even from taking drugs to drinking plain water.

never went sentosa yesterday, was raining. so rot around harbourfront centre and went cineleisure. watched 'the red shoes'. didn't know what's all about and made me screamed once. i was getting very stressed watching that show wondering when the scary part will appear and hungry and a little something wrong with my head. dropped my phone the first time in the cinema theatre. almost lost it, lucky the staff answer chin wei's phone call.

told kim wei about network marketing, and like most of the people, he told me to think again. and i didn't know how to go on talking, after that , we didn't talk through the whole day anymore even though we took the same bus back home. anyway, hope his toes is alright cos he fell down from the escalator.

came back and i ask my brother when he used the com in a not-so-nice manner, and he screwed me. i used the 'f' one the first time on him. shut down the com. and had a good night slp.

i seem to keep on using the 'f' word nowadays even though i'm not angry. something is wrong.

feel like sleeping again. hope next week will be a better one, cos i supposed all poly students are having their holidays.

i just love the night. it's so quiet and peaceful. =)

i just read sandra ng's lastest entry. though i don't really understand it. but i know it's sort of 'xin shi'. she's learning and growing up at the same time through all these experiences. everyone does. but i just dunno why i like such posts. and i'm not a saddist. anyway, my parents are back. it's 3.24am now. that's why i hope that don't break down any sooner. working so hard.

anyway, i want to say. i love my mum and dad. hope god will bless them, not to forget my siblings. time to go eat my supper which is rice. wahahah. the cruches i do just now will be gone to waste. then slp. i dun want to die on the beach. lol. all the best to those who is mugging for exams, a's , promos, o's, eoy. cheers. =)

i wondered whether it's a dream or not. it looks like a dream, yet when towards the end of the story, i knew what was going on around me, the chirps of the birds, the raindrops, i scratched myself, etc. this is how the story goes:

it was out of the sudden, jie wei and i was in the swimming pool, and we wanted to rescue the people in there because something bad is going to happen [like a big wave is going to kill them all]. so we wanted to enter the office building[well established] that operates the swimming pool. we swam thru the swimming pool into the office building, crept in secretly without letting the camara tracking us down. entered a few lift, emergency exits, had some narrow escape when disguising as one of the staff in the building.

when we reached the top story, there were so many camaras that we have to walk sticking towards the wall. we were tired and took a seat at the other end of the building. in front of it, it's a office with transparent glass[looks like police station/security station of the building].

~by this time i was awake as i was scratching myself and i knew what was happening around me at home, the birds chirps, raindrops, cars motor,etc~

the three of us, jie wei, me and alex (i dunno how he appear) were seating around when a guy from the office came out. it was jie yong, he was in casual wear. *but i think he's a CID* he talked to us for awhile and we sense something was wrong. since jie yong is jie wei's brother, he let us go. there was only another guy in the office behind the seats, so it was ok.

[shall stop my story over here. ROSANNE talking to me now on msn! =D]

we walked by the side, sticking onto the wall and just went off to the carpark for awhile to hide. and i saw alex started to play and look around at the cars. i sort of got crazy, and said "let's steal a car and play with it."

it was too scary to carrying on dreaming. i woke up.

am i from bad to worse?

alixues also just smsed me. i wonder if they ask me not to be too harsh on myself. then why keep pressing me. ah. i dunno. they say everything we do that is to learn. to be more confident in talking and mentality, how to stand up when u fall down again, etc. and everything is based on recruitment, not products. how? i'm so stressed now. though i'm a newbie, but whatever they explained looks logical and everything. how the director of the company gets his income, etc. from his other companies and products sold [which we needn't do anything abt it]. will someone please give me an answer?

to join or not to join? it will be difficult to convince people to join, unless they see the results. which might be few months from now if i join. talked to my mum on the phone just now. i got a feeling that she's crying or sobbing in her heart. her voice is so unlike her. everything is last minute. my dad;i've got nothing to say. it's lucky my mum is strong.

i'm worried if i join, then i give up halfway, then the few hundred dollar will be wasted. the results will only been seen in few months time, or even a year. i'll also be very busy. flag football[that's if i join, not feeling like joining already but i initiated to open that as cca], befc soccer, sch work, soccer with carlvin/ivan kor kor, socialising/going out with friends. so many many thing. i wonder why everything just come crushing on me , and when it doesn't, i'm real bored as if i'm wasting my life. i'm not good at juggling my life. and now i'm just got closer to my classmate, i don't want to lose them.

the people there are also so mature, the way they dress and talk. i don't want to grow up so soon. though i saw another guy in causal wear just now. but he's in long pants. i just don't like to wear formal. even if i wear jeans and polo tee [my most formal clothes i have], it seems out of place there.

the only motivation is money, and i hope my mum will not be so stressed out anymore, and my dad to be more sane. and it's like your own free time job. but then if i'm not hardworking, then how will people look at me. i'm worried they will not be too happy with me. cos i'll affect their income.

going down to help my parent tmr. hope my mum doesn't break down any sooner. i want to join nti, yet i scared i cannot make it and waste even more money. what if i lose all my friends? so so many things on my mind now....

out of sheer concern, i asked my brother what happened when he come home. he just was so agitated. moving his hands here and there. so ya. damn it. it sort of makes me angry.
going to bathe and meet alixues. i wonder how to reject them , if it involves products. i want to go sentosa real soon with my poly classmates. but then the fungal infection. can't do anything at all. no shopping, no sports. rot at home.

i'm saddened and a little pissed and bored and everything. i hate holidays. since upper sec. always alone.

ok, i've cooled down. and he's coming out. shall go eat something and bathe.

half pose half candid.


red face.


another red face.


uhuh.. who's smoking?


setan kim wei? or satan? =x


super me!


beggars. =x


flying on titanic. opps, i mean escalator.


tired beggars who didn't got a single cent.



our photo taking session on thursday bumming arnd orchard after movie.

i've begin to like taking photos.

i think i saw ruoci. wearing a white chung cheng high (main) volleyball tshirt, carrying a quiksilver[ if i'm not wrong] slingbag she boarded the 196 at the bus stop opposite bukit merah central at 6.28pm just now. wahahaha.

i was so excited and looking forward to join NTI. until i told my ivan kor kor about it. he told me it's not that simple. we must sell products or something like that. but i told him we're concentrating on recruitments only.
my enthusiasm dropped to 0 immediately. ah. i'm not too sure yet also. later i don't even get a single sales how? then how my colleagues will look at me? how to reject their approach on tuesday if they ask me to join immediately. how how how? i sure get so lost and confused again that i dare not ask questions.
ah, at least i know something about network marketing now. hmm, reading the aladdin factor doesn't really help much, only to remind me of 'asking is good, but be afraid to ask.'

what am i supposed to do tomorrow ah? rot at home again? i've wasted 1/2 of this year doing that.
HATE the fungal infection. i'm fine if i look like a freak, since my acne scars will be there for a few years at least. by that time, i enter the army. and my whole face will be rotten. *touchwood* BUT i hate it when i can't do sports espcially soccer. damn it.

hope someone call me out tomorrow doing something i never do before and it's meaningful but i want to get back home by 6.45pm. i want watch shui ling long. she's so cute. not to mention, the pretty mother, ivy lee. wahahaha.

it's the holidays.

after exam on thurs, the boys went seoul garden. i didn't eat much as expected, cos i just not used to eating so much of the same thing at one shot, will make me go to the toilet. but at the same time still hungry and feeling like vomit. wasted lots of money. weird digestive system i have. we went to watch 'the cave' after that. i admire jack who sacrifices his own life to save his fellow friends. i find it quite a nice show.

went to meet alixues yesterday night and got to know more about the job. but it involves money. and then u really must have the determination to do it, then u will be successful. i'm in a dilemma. i just don't really want to work everyday. then what impression i will give my other colleagues if i join them. but it's a kind of investment whereby i 'pump' in money first. and the result will be seen after some time.
is it time for me to grow up? i don't want to work. but what they told me yesterday makes sense. but if i i take a very long time to succeed, by the time, everything will come to naught. i just want a simple life for now.


another boring day. sigh.

i seriously think i going to fail bcn though i spend about 5 hours studying, no is read through the whole book and go to mel read thru some powerpoint slides, tutorial qns and exam paper. i want to sleep but i can't sleep now. dont really feel like sleep but i scared i can't wake up or become too tired later. i'm physcially awake but mentally exhausted. oh, contradicting. shall go try slping.


i've studied more than what i did for mes.

wake me up when tmr ends.

i'm so happy that rosanne talked to me on msn. but the excitement just died when i dunno how to continue the conversation. my 'not yet revise 1/10 chapters' for my exams tmr and the channel 8 show... now i'm stuck and keep staring at her window... hoping she will type something again.

put a title jusdt to see what fonts and color will appear.

i was just surfing friendster. and i saw john liu's profile. he has a gf now, in the same sch. most probably classmates. then i was thinking back how much he liked stacy in pri sch for 3 years. i think he's still faithful as in the past. i hope so.
then i was wondering....
what is life so funny and contradicting?

anyway, i thought i could get an B or A for the paper today. to my disappointment, i realised i didn't answer what the qns wants when my classmates discuss about the answers. but i know i will pass the paper. argh, they should have give me some hints. then i can explain everything to them. i lose more than 20marks on diagram cos i dunno how to draw. i hate drawings! yucks. i hope he will give me some marks cos i wrote down and explain all the components, i just dunno how to draw only.
anyhow, i shld thank god. cos everything was really so last min.
time to slp.

i keep typing redundant post. i left with one chapter but it's all understanding and not memorising. haha. i'm so proud that i came up with the blog's title all by myself. and she just went offline. i need to close my eyes and take a rest after i finish the last chapter.
it's so fun blogging. like talking to someone.
but seriously, i'm not mad. maybe just some pre exam excitment that makes me do what i'm doing now. wahahaha.

i want to thank myself for listening during lectures. and god for giving me this nature of if i slp in lecture, it's a kind of disrespect to the teachers/lecturers. i realised i've quite a few common characteristics as umay. but i've no originality.

I'M SO SCARED NOW! TILL I CAN'T STUDY! THIS SHALL BE THE FIRST AND LAST TIME I DO LAST MINUTE REVEISION. SOMEMORE LEFT WITH 3/4 OF THE BOOK. I WONDER HOW TO SURVIVE FOR BCN WHICH NEEDS EVEN MORE REVISION TIME. I DON'T WANT TO GO THROUGH THIS SCARY FEELING ON THURSDAY MORNING AGAIN.

god save me.

i didn't know allan wu graduated with a degree in biology at University of California, Berkeley till i randomly read the sunday's straits time. One of the top univerisities in the world! OMG! and he's so muscular! Though he's abit haolian, but he's both brawn and brains. WWWOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOO!

i'm so dead. it's like i did read thru another chapter only. i can understand what's about. but i just can't bother memorising all thing things. if only there's some clues for tmr's exam.

yanzi always never fail to cheer me up with her actions and her songs! i just wish she was my sister. i'll be the world's happiest boy!

i want to attract alot of people to read my blog nowadays. i dunno why. attention!

i'm still not scared. this is weird.

i was sad when i can't maintain a conversation with rosanne since like about a year ago. i still can remember the last time i talked to her, i pissed her off. i think i did the same thing again, as in she doesn't want to talk to me.
i'm such a boring person who can't start or end a conversation with a girl properly. i sms her just now but she didn't reply. i'm sure she didn't change her hp number. i think she's still online now though she's offline in my contact.
i just felt awkward just now. there's nothing much to talk since we're in different school all along, and i dunno much abt her already, except what she typed in the blog. it was elva that we have a common topic to talk about, but now i don't bother to find out abt her, so there's really nth to talk anymore. hope she will be truly happy like who she was when i knew her in irc.

though i felt she's not as pretty as the last time i saw her pic[alright, i don't have the right to comment cos i'm ugly]. i don't really mind. i still read her blog every now and then. the feeling is different from the rest of the other girls' blog i read. it's like i will be more 'worried' abt her and there's like no lust. unlike from the rest, cos i find them attractive or smart or in s'pore netball team or anythng like that. but i always do that for my online buddies, who's all girls. and she's one of them. also the one that i have crush on and off for the past 3 yrs.

i have to admit i've attracted to joey man/meng [the female actress who act as 'ma xiao ling' in 'my date with vampire' series] . she's very attractive though there's a birthmark above her left lips. and i realised she has very nice legs in the show.

kelly chen is another celebrity i find attractive though they have birthmark that is so visible on the face. maybe it's the confidence they have that's attractive. or it's me who doesn't know how to define what's pretty. i never use pretty to describe a girl before for quite a long time. and i dunno why i lost my sense of how to define 'pretty'. it's the influence of the media, though i have some different preferences.

i think in the end its ultimately me. i only care for myself. cos it seems like i'm not really into bothering much about pple anymore. i just want to enter other people's life[esp girls] so i can gain from them. to feel that friendship bonding, that joy, fun and laughter. of cos i would want boys, so i can play soccer with them and learn volleyball from them. i'm waiting for someone to teach me how to play tennis volunterily with paying them. lol. preferbably, a female. oh yes, i admire tony leung. he's so charming though i find him average looking. he acts so well!

i've studied 2 out of 10 MES chapters. and it's not done at home, but at my grandma's house.

joseph rejected me to study with him in sch library tmr. =(

all the best to those who's taking their prelims and exams tomorrow.

i was furious when i learnt my dad wore the wrong undergarment. and it was one of the only two i feel comfortable wearing it. he has been doing that since so long time ago, maybe even 2 yrs back. i just wonder why. don't know how how to recognise just a simple piece of clothing.
and now i'm getting more and more immuned to it. that i can share any piece of clothing that is being wore by others but washed.

i think i will be working this hols. so to get the things i want. x japan cd, yanzi's new album, a sling bag, somemore new clothes esp boardshorts, and maybe a shoes. and the rest to keep so to pay my sch fees or to 'feed' myself. ya, i still have mentality of those people who just come out to work. unlike those who have been working for quite some time, who thinks working is to feed themselves, no need to reply on parents. i'm a child and i want to be a child forever.

i feel nothing to exams, this is worse than o levels. i feel like i'm ready to retain another 1/2 yr though my relatives and parents will nag/scold/ get disappointed at me. though i know by tuesday morning, i will start studying for mes. i hope i will pass the exam. there's bcn too.

i've wasted 5 days again.

celebrated angela's bday by going kbox yesterday. it was the first time i went bbox and also the first time i try to keep people occupied so that they others can get ready the things to surprise her. i feel quite achieved until they walked the wrong walk. and angela saw them. but i guess she pretended to be surprised, so not to waste the effort of the 3 other girls. shijun was in the dark. she didn't knew anything about it. i think i was a spiler somehow in kbox, though i felt happy for them cos off of them enjoying, maybe except for jiayi who felt the same way as i do. cos it will be awkward for us to sing english songs.

though i read the blog of vanessa tan everyday since this tues, and made me feel i was fortunate than her for a moment. i felt like running away from home yesterday. i hate to be at home. but i hate to be alone outside or to be with those people i'm not comfortable with. my brother and sister is always at home during the hols, and i think they're going to feel the same way as me too sooner or later.

i miss 4/9...

















and a little bit of 2/6. though i've forgotten much about 2/6, i was friendly and getting along with everyone.

i'm excited about project superstar, just after watching the competition on thurday.
i want to see kelly, candyce, chanel, ai ling, wei lian and wei jian in person.
more poly students are becoming singers. too bad i can't sing.
i shouldn't have stereotype poly students. more and more people doesn't want to go jc anymore. majority of the poly students are equally good. maybe they're just lazy during o levels?
but jc students are also not totally nerd. they know social skills too.
i'm neither gd in studies nor have gd social/communication skills.
where am i?
now i'm quite sure that beleving in yourself and ur attitude is so important. but how're being taught affects u.
and i wonder whether i'm being too greedy or gives up too easily that caused me to become what i'm now. my only hope, which is soccer was diminished as i grow up. i wanted to be a professional soccer player. but why do people mature so fast? freddy adu is only 16 or 17 only. cristiano ronaldo is also so young.
ah. i shouldn't compare.
i'm thinking too much and babbling nonsense.

i will pass my bmf test, but it will not of a good grade.

i didn't went to meet up with them again, the bcn project had some problem. everyone was pissed off over the project. when i called weiru, jason had to leave plaza sing. i'm glad that at least i talked to him over wei ru's phone, but it felt weird. i didn't know how to start talking to him.

it's already in me to try to help people without any motive since young. i used to donate alot of money thinking it will help people when i was a little boy. now i know why my parents always tell me not to donate $10 one shot. but as i grow up, i try not to offend anyone. maybe i'm the person who wants to stay out of trouble since i can't handle the problems in the "adult world". i will try to be neutral. i don't do that because i want to be popular among friends. but i want to be known for my sports, as in for my soccer or something like that.

i sound like i'm trying to argue to defend myself. sorry.

i feel that i'm slowly changing to become like my dad now, or to a procastinating hypocrite.

i'm excited to meet my secondary school friends later in the evening. but i doubt i will talk much, become a scardy cat again. ah. i can't really study right now, not really absorbing the info/facts and my head feels weird. last min study. feels like the last day of my o levels, chemistry paper. woke up in the morning to study till the early afternoon. chem rox though i got a c6, i wonder why.

i haven't started revision yet, i hope i will pass bmf test tmr... anyway, project superstar is a nice show. it's quite touching. i teared abit when kelvin won. and i hope to see kelly, candyce and xin huay in person. i was angry/sad intially, esp abt my fungal infection. but luckily not now. if not i can't get to study later. ah, i shouldn't have mention it. now it comes back again.




that's me. a candid shot taken by evon when i just came back playing with the water. i was wet. so had to pull up the shorts abit. actually, i feel this picture is not bad. wahahaha.

quarrels at home again right now.

i still think my poly classmates doesn't really like me somehow esp one girl.

i finally finished my autocad sample test 2 paper just now.

sometimes i dunno whether to thank god. this will make me stronger, but then won't i be more heartless? though this society is heartless.

finally, everybody is eating. no more quarrels.

i think i know why i didn't quarrel with my parents, becos i'm too dependent on my dad to drive me around. therefore i keep my mouth shut though i still tell my dad his fault in the car. i think he doesn't seek what i say though. my sis says i always act in front of him. i'm not. but now i'm wondering whether am i?

that was also the first time in my life that i saw my dad using an umbrella to cane my siblings.

i just can't get the message across to them to leave my dad alone.

it's difficult being the eldest. maybe it's a learning process. but what if this happens to me in future. money is the root of all evil.

i guess i'm not a very strong person who needs someone to be by my side all the time. i'm wondering how am i going to protect my gf in future, that's if i have one.

so many thoughts just going through my mind.

there was a heated argument just now between my bro and sis with my dad. the items in the house were sealed today.

i don't know how to feel. sometimes i force myself to find fault with my own. sometimes, i'm nonchalent about it. sometimes i feel that it's both party fault. sometimes, it' my fault.

confused. i'm wondering it is that i'm forcing myself to self pity myself. i feel nothing much about it, yet i have a habit of blogging it down. i want to cry, but it's like half forcing myself/half willingly on its own.

there's still so much work to be done...

the rashes is not getting better though it's dried up. it's still spreading all over the body. i think i won't be going back to sec sch/pri sch tmr. bcn project to be done in the morning in sch.

last bmf tutorial for me to ask wong yok na qns tmr, but i haven't even started revision for the test on friday.

today's autocad session tells me there's so so so much thing i don't know how to do. but i really put in effort already, but not study smart. there's like 3/4 of the icons i never use before. i stick to the few icons i'm comfortable with. that's why i'm so slow in doing my autocad.

but i really think that some of them are sincere in teaching me. thanks lots to xiaode and chinwei for helping me just now. not to forget the female assistant teacher.

i think i feel numb.