Been away on tumbler for slightly more than half a decade. I might be back to using this platform. The internet is very scary. It doesn't feel safe anymore.

By ASHTON KUTCHER

I was shooting a scene in my new film, No Strings Attached, in which I say to Natalie Portman, "If you miss me ... you can't text, you can't e-mail, you can't post it on my [Facebook] wall. If you really miss me, you come and see me." I began to think of all of the billions of intimate exchanges sent daily via fingers and screens, bouncing between satellites and servers. With all this texting, e-mailing, and social networking, I started wondering, are we all becoming so in touch with one another that we are in danger of losing touch?

It used to be that boy met girl and they exchanged phone numbers. Anticipation built. They imagined the entire relationship before a call ever happened. The phone rang. Hearts pounded. "Hello?" Followed by a conversation that lasted two hours but felt like two minutes and would be examined with friends for two weeks. If all went well, a date was arranged. That was then.

Now we exchange numbers but text instead of calling because it mitigates the risks of early failure and eliminates those deafening moments of silence. Now anticipation builds. Bdoop. "It was NICE meeting u." Both sides overanalyze every word. We talk to a friend, an impromptu Cyrano: "He wrote nice in all caps. What does that mean? What do I write back?" Then we write a response and delete it 10 times before sending a message that will appear 2 care, but not 2 much. If all goes well, a date will be arranged.

Whether you like it or not, the digital age has produced a new format for modern romance, and natural selection may be favoring the quick-thumbed quip peddler over the confident, ice-breaking alpha male. Or maybe we are hiding behind the cloak of digital text and spell-check to present superior versions of ourselves while using these less intimate forms of communication to accelerate the courting process. So what's it really good for?

There is some argument about who actually invented text messaging, but I think it's safe to say it was a man. Multiple studies have shown that the average man uses about half as many words per day as women, thus text messaging. It eliminates hellos and goodbyes and cuts right to the chase. Now, if that's not male behavior, I don't know what is. It's also great for passing notes. There is something fun about sharing secrets with your date while in the company of others. Think of texting as a modern whisper in your lover's ear.

Sending sweet nothings on Twitter or Facebook is also fun. In some ways, it's no different than sending flowers to the office: You are declaring your love for everyone to see. Who doesn't like to be publicly adored? Just remember that what you post is out there and there's some stuff you can't unsee.

But the reality is that we communicate with every part of our being, and there are times when we must use it all. When someone needs us, he or she needs all of us. There's no text that can replace a loving touch when someone we love is hurting.

We haven't lost romance in the digital age, but we may be neglecting it. In doing so, antiquated art forms are taking on new importance. The power of a handwritten letter is greater than ever. It's personal and deliberate and means more than an e-mail or text ever will. It has a unique scent. It requires deciphering. But, most important, it's flawed. There are errors in handwriting, punctuation, grammar, and spelling that show our vulnerability. And vulnerability is the essence of romance. It's the art of being uncalculated, the willingness to look foolish, the courage to say, "This is me, and I'm interested in you enough to show you my flaws with the hope that you may embrace me for all that I am but, more important, all that I am not."

it's sad such a beautiful girl died yesterday evening. i thought that if she have to die, then i should die first before her. she's so pretty and all. life is weird. i am just wondering what happens if i actually dated her. will the outcome be different?

anyway, i want to thank her for making me realised that i need to treasure my life more no matter how bad it is. i read her blog, there were no comments in all other entries. perhaps that was her true feelings and no one connected to her and let her know it is ok to falter. what's important is to get up again. i always wanted to go NUS FASS or NTU humanities. i got rejected the 4th times this year. people think i am dumb and unrealistic, wasting my time. true. but i still dont really know what i want yet, so if i do not apply, i will regret. i really hate being judged by age, success, what's not as how i judge myself and people. fuck.

now i feel a need to post a comment on blogs who do not have any comment if they are sad or something.

i was also reading about the local designers who launched their label at parco millenia. they are amazing and inspiring at the moment. it makes me want to really give it all for what i love and make something out of it. it is fueled by the death of this teenage girl too. i dont want to die of regret. alot of work to be done and i need to push on. i know i will need support but then if there is no support the only person who can support me is myself.

bless the girl, i'd wished i got to know her before she die. maybe she can do something more meaningful to help the world or i can help to do something. i am pissed off at that editor who just wrote she started dating when she was 13 years old and neglected her studies. how you know? do you know her? that is your point of view. dont make your 'truth' as her 'truth' just because she flung her exams.

yucks. this world is disgusting. so am i sometimes.

managed to survived with 3 hours but i slept for awhile until now. still tired but shall sleep later. lost my cool with my brother when i came back. so much for testings my limits. sigh.

what to do tomorrrow other than send resume? should i take up a degree? if so, should i even find a permanent job or? i have no motivation when it is not sports. i need help. i feel empty. i dont want to void those voids. i want to heal those voids. i want to be powerful.

maybe i should start a tumblr account. tumblr seems more interesting, but that means i need to exercise self control because i won't stop once i start reading them.

females models are so brave to go semi nude or something baring their insecurities. utmost respect. i know i'm starting to evolve to another level. physical appearance doesnt attract me much after my hormones react. but i am still insecure. i just thought of something. something powerful and might change my life. just that i cannot say it out here. perhaps i shouldn't care how it's going to affect me in future too much if it prevents me from doing something. going to survive on 5hrs of sleep and then play soccer again. this is a test of my limits because i haven't done it before. if you have done it before, then don't compare. go on to the next level and don't judge me. i might sound insecure, i am and i will get over it.

screw the army. yucks.

happy mothers' day.
happy belated birthday to eileen feng, serene lee, chang xin hao.
happy birthday ing hsien.

there's so many thoughts in my head when i was jogging the other day that i forgotten now. but i know i will not give up running no matter how slow i jog like less than 5 km in 1 hour because it refreshes me. no matter how much pain there is.

i thought of jiayi when i jogged the other day... like how she listens to her mp3 and run during standard chartered and that motivates me. that motivation was not to run faster than her or to prove something. that motivation was just pure bliss to know someone is there to support you. it makes you lighter, makes your heart smile. thank you jia yi even if it was only my own imagination.

having pre-flu symptoms now, good night.

i am going to survive on 3 to 4 hours of sleep and playing soccer in an hours time. something i do the second time, just with more intensity just that i did a 1hr 2.4km (or is it 3+km or 4.8km) jog yesterday night?

good realisation. i am dead. or maybe i am a zombie living now. no matter what, you gonna have your heart broken at some point, you will only have yourself to rely on. be strong. but do the fucking work. quit admiring. why can't i just learn? where is my blindspot? what am i so afraid of?

i wanna make a shout out to kevin chua. i dont know how am i ever going to repay you back and i know it's not about that to you. so i just wanna say a big thank you to you.

i need to meet up with 2/6 people, zhi hao, chee heng, lee yeung. people come and go, some are meant to stay, some are not. i still do not know how to appreciate something and some people. but i will learn. we have our own lives to lead, nothing to be jealous or envious or feel sad about. something i haven't understand.

i got distracted. talk about it more soon. running late, dont want kevin to wait for me again.

love all.

lost my permanent part time job. too paralysed by fear now.

anyway, i just thought of you pei shan when i read this post. i do not know if i should post to you personally because i'm afraid it will break you again. but if you happen to read this, here it is.

"He broke up with you, right? After telling you he loved you and calling you pet names like baby and cutie? Yeah, I know he lavished you in compliments, only to put himself down so you would stroke his fakely low ego. Did he tell you that you were beautiful? I bet he promised you a personalized song. Or maybe he’d always mention how he was lying in bed and wished you were there. He dragged “I love you” out of you, didn’t he? Yeah, don’t deny it. He would talk to you last thing at night and first thing in the morning. He constantly mentioned losing sleep over you, every night, but we both know he slept like a rock. He made you love pictures that were just sort of “bleh” before. Did you delete those pictures after he broke your heart? Yeah, me too. All of your friends hate him now, don’t they? Remember how happy they were for you? They warned you. Just remember, it’s okay to cry. And referring to him as “asshole” is perfectly expected. Because, trust me, you’ll end up talking about him just as often, if not more, than before the break up. There will be the “one time”s and the “I remember”s, and once you think you’re over him, watch out. You better keep your eyes closed in the hallways, because I promise you, the next time you see him, he’ll be all over some other girl. A little part of you will want to warn her, but nobody will blame you for hating her and for blaming her for your pain. Yeah, you’ll compare all guys to him, because aside from the man-whorish, heart-breaker thing, he was perfect. He was everything you had ever wanted. Or maybe you made that up. Maybe, the second he started to show interest, you made up this perfect guy in your head, and he just happened to be just like him. Listen, you will find the perfect guy for you just like everybody says you will, and it will be soon. Okay, so I didn’t believe it either, but I’m starting to.The most important thing though is don’t let him know he hurt you. Don’t let him know he could have you back in a heartbeat. Don’t give him that satisfaction. Make him think you’re completely happy. When he decides to wave at you like nothing ever happened, wave back, sure. But don’t smile. Make him think he meant as little to you, as you obviously meant to him."

-http://eletheowl.tumblr.com

i dont know what this means, but i supposed this means i care. i still can remember those two nights, not the exact conversation but some parts of it. i hope you are better and stronger now.

it's good to see my sister grow. a constant reminder of how brave she is and how much fear i have towards fear. i believe if physical appearance is not one of the factors we consider in being with someone, she will beat most people hands down.

i hope my brother will grow too.

now what about me?

i just cannot forgo the idea of wanting to be a celebrity or famous or whatever.
power.

should i go for the money or power programme?

ang wei ni, karen wai, so many others.. teach me something.
i still cannot break the notion of finding successful people so pretty and beautiful in their ways.

going to take a sampan and see firefly later. cool.

make it my own today. be selfish, so selfish that it becomes selfless.

i still cant help but still have the habit of destroying myself when i'm in a semi-conscious state. who will now love me and still not judge me because of what i do but why i do.

ok. it was about to going to hurt badly and i thought it can be my true feelings and not my mechanisms when my sister just intruded my space. i cant continue. but i really envy grace and kim wei. and as i saw kim wei's blog entries, i realised how much he grew as compared to me. his are actions and while my are words. i still cant get over the camera incident and i feel guilty yet i do not want to bring myself closer to him fearing that i will end up imitating him or that we are different in life. this is a issue i got to handlle myself. i still cannot accept i cannot the best friend of everybody neither is everybody is my best friend.

i cant wait to bare myself out to anyone but who will not judge me because the truth hurts and will shock all. it changes relationships. it hurts when i do not know who to go to.

the good thing is i believe, we all do our best to be appreciative and good to everyone. god bless the japan victim. i'm going to donate some money to them now.

ps: i feel like a fucktard writing to myself. but i still pity myself that i dont think that is wrong, now that's fucked up. someone please help me.

just thought i would like to share this:

Are things said in anger a truer reflection of someone’s feelings (meaning unflitered) or are things said in happier times the real thing?
I don’t think the question here is IS ANGER TRUER. I think the question is HAS ANGER TAKEN YOUR TRUTH? And the only one that can answer that is you.

- Angry

jiayi just called. i'm not going to curse and swear because it has been happening in my life. i just need to control my reaction. i wish to meet the poly friends too but i've already made arrangements. guess this is just life. no point cursing or being angry. i'm quite sad actually. but there's always next time. now it's to appreciate my meal with them. enjoy yourselves. thanks for taking the initiative to invite me. next week perhaps? kw's bday too. now, i'm starting to think of you now. -.-

i guess it is not about trying to impress someone but to be totally true to ourselves. therefore we can accept ourselves and grow from there. this also means being very vulnerable and honest. i am admit i am not perfect, doesn't mean i'm lousy. i am still struggling to accept myself. i still pretend at times. i have been reading theangrytherapist.tumblr.com i think he's very wise and knowledgeable.

did quite a bit the past month. one of the more eventful one was really opening up to someone whom i didnt dare to. thank you for listening and just being there. thank you for trusting me. i wish you will be really joyful and fulfilled in whatever you do.

my birthday was a mixture of feelings. felt stupid for not wanting to celebrate with anybody, then again if i did, i wouldn't be able to go for the course and learn something. did i mentioned i treat chee heng to a meal? i neglected zhi hao. i'm sorry zhi hao. thank you for always helping me 'financially'.

got closer to my colleagues. i am not so afraid of my superior anymore. that doesnt mean i dont respect him. played soccer with him too. it's good. it's amazing how the different people in the office get together. i feel amused yet amazed and happy with them, but not really the working part. behaving more of my 'true' self with them now, and not so much in accordance to the working role when not necessary.

excited about having a supper with the whole family later, meal with chee heng and kevin tmr night, buffet lunch with zhi hao next week.

i need to be present and appreciate them.

something for those who read my entry to ponder about:
whose bone will you see?
for me, i guess it's my family, and two other friends. i'm still not very sure. have you got yours? it doesnt matter if you have only got 1 or 100. the question is who really matter to you? what are you going to do now before they die or you die?

reminder to self: pick up and learn from the course, not just attend it for the sake of attending to prove something and not applying what i learnt.

ps: i initiated to hug my neighbour after our conversation outside the lift just now even though i was quite reluctant at first. i made that first step. we hugged.

i did not keep up with the tragedy in japan, i'm not interested in the news. i don't feel really feel sad for them. but still, bless them.

friends who need hug anytime, you can look for me. happy birthday to all march babies.

i didn't dare to express myself just now in front of chee keng. i kinda feel stuck and then blamed it on the drinking yesterday. loser. i felt happy when he said he wanted to give me his clothing if i like them. who wouldn't be happy? levis, armani exchange, etc. i wouldn't bear to buy all these my own. i dont care if it was worn before... i wish you can see how my heart is feeling and acting inside. thank you chee keng!

i feel that sometimes he is an elder brother to me even though we didnt even hang out once before other than soccer.

okay. good night. i'm tired. soccer again tomorrow with felicia. i guess i might get something for her before she leaves because i'm not sure if i will ever see her again. same goes for caiyu(as an advance birthday present too).

ps: i saw how zi bin has recovered so well and become so fit now, his abs are super amazing. its good to play soccer with him again. it's been more than a year since we played together.

whenever i see jiayi(or poly classmates) is like going overseas, or at least seems to be. i have a tinge of jealousy. and suddenly, i just feel that no one really cares about me. i am all left to be alone. but it is not true. i need to understand why did i feel that. and xiao de is right, i'm always neutral so i am not close to any group. that is the danger. but being in a group is also dangerous, but the dynamics are much bigger and this will pull you towards a certain direction. what i do affect others, and what i not do still affect them. it isnt always just about me in this world. i still do not understand the meaning of 'i am others and others are me'. i guess no matter what i do or not do affect others, so i might as well do something that can help forward me as long there is mutual consent.

being overconcern is not good, because i am impatient and i do not like to communicate. everyone seems to want it to be their way, thinking that it is the best solution for everyone. but is that true? i dont know. perhaps, it is ego. perhaps it's real genuine concern. i am guilty of that.

i always think and hope that i will die in my mid thirties, provided that i can leave a legacy or have a certain achievement like bruce lee or marilyn monroe or athena. i kinda like the idea of death. i hope to survive the moment when i am in the realm outside this world yet you are not yet dead. i haven't really survive any major accident except that i was almost being knocked down by a car once at river valley road and down the hill at outram secondary and i wasn't that conscious as a person at that time.

i am thankful for my secondary school friends because they are so concern about me. i do not think i deserve their friendship. then again, we seem to understand each other yet we do not. we do not talk about our private life. then again, what is it so different from my poly friends then? then again, i'm not in any group so i'm outcast. even if i do join a group, i still feel like an outcast. i do not think our activities are very healthy too compared to poly ones. then again, it's just me. i hope all of you are working towards your dreams/wants because i can feel most of my poly mates are already doing that.

in fact, i think ying jia have already fulfilled one of her 'dreams', but found out for some reason that she cannot continue to hold the job or maybe put it on hold first because there's something more important to be done or maybe that isn't the way she thought it was or maybe that isnt the job she wanted anymore.

i dislike to type what i type sometimes because it doesnt mean anything anymore. it seems like no one cares. even if they do care, i dont think they can help unless they know how to bring out the best in me. i am not pretending. it is of no use i start to realise, but i just cannot let go out it. and i am sure how many people do realise it is kind of a 'waste of time' therefore they rather do something in the real life than to get caught up in this virtual world. when is mine? why do i feel the need to get attention yet i made a unconscious vow when i was 4 or 5 that i need to be independent and that i can be alone. i need to reframe.

happy birthday cliff ang. you got the same birthday as cindy crawford, kurt cobain and rihanna. i think you behave more like athena more because u seem change people's live (by making them laugh) but then you dont talk about your life. it seems you have that perfect life, no one can see through you except that you are 'happy'. are you really happy? have you found joy already? god bless.

PS: i just realised i behave so different from athena. i hope to meet her one day or walk her path but she is already dead.

had dinner with chee heng and zhi hao. it's nice to see how two friends that i care mingle around each other even though our conversations are not deep. just casual. but it's a good start. both of them are so different. i'd hope you will try the escargot, because i hope you would see something different with trying new stuff out. but i'm glad i didn't force you to do something you didn't want to, or not ready to do yet. and i hope you don't feel obliged to treat me something again just because i treat you to dinner or you feel pai seh. i'm not rich or anything but it's something that i want to do for us. because if i ever leave one day, i hope you will be happy for me and know that whatever i do is to compete with myself and break barriers. but i will not forget you. and i hope it always will be.

friends are those who disagree, but still hold hands together - quoted from weini.blogdrive.com


i need to focus. there's so many things i wanna do. need to dig into the core. i'm still all talk or complain and no action yet. call me selfish but i really need to feel/find/be myself and then contribute back to the society. for now, i am glad i still care about people who matters to me.

the singapore women everest team is so cool. they set their minds to do what they want when they are 21,22. and i am 23. ok, reframe. bye.

i am sad that michelle is flying off. not that she will not come back, but then. the feeling sucks not knowing she is in singapore even though i seldom talk to her or anything. i'm cluttered now. then again, as long as i get to see females in the bus. they can take her off my mind. not that i always think of her. it is only like a day like that that it happens. well, nothing can happen. at least, know i need someone as sweet as her, then also someone who is sporty. i am a fussy person though i am not handsome nor tall nor smart nor anything.

i have reframed and want to thank her for being in my life though i had thoughts of what if i didnt know her at all. she is like chasing for what she wants i supposed, her dream, her ideal life, etc. this fuels me. i need to love myself more. thank you michelle/giselle. i'll be happy for you as long you're happy. guess it's friendship love. and then there's also a crush on you. not that we are close or i am close to anyone. perhaps zhi hao is the closest to me right now as i assumed closeness to be doing things together. i will also leave to find my place in this world. hopefully soon. i read nat ho's blog. security and freedom are mutually exclusive.

for to anyone in this world, even if i might not know them or become a couple or friends or whatever, i will be happy for them in general when they get what they want. i believe our hearts are good.
for most people will understand me even though we do not talk.
for when i do it, i will serve as an inspiration.
for i will have to go through my own journey myself and no one else can do it for me, all i can do is lend a helping hand along the way to people:friends,family or strangers whom i do not know when it is within my ability.
for no one is responsible for my life.
for i want to suffer pain and sadness, and experience happpiness, joy and fulfilment.
for if i see her in the airport, i hope i will have the courage to hug her.
for i cannot hide my emotions anymore because it is 'hurting' me.
for i do not want to be bothered by what others think of me (even though i still do)
for i wanna hug many others too (not because i'm horny though sometimes i am but u get my drift)

good night. i need to slp now. i'm tired. i'm slowly letting go of soccer... and i do hope i can sleep.

ps: i cant feel the same raw emotions and feelings as i felt when i was at jiayi's house and on the bus. girls on the bus are good distractions but it only fills the void. temporary but not lasting.

i'm glad i'm going to make it happen. it's halfway through. but i do not want to rest on my laurels because only when you are 90% done, then you can consider it to be halfway through.... this 'context' can be found in paulo coelho's like a flowing river. i hope it will somehow impact her life even if it's like 0.1%. god, please continue to bless me. thank you. i'm not complacent, i'm just excited though it is more for myself than her and i can get her along with me in my small adventures and fulfil her wish even though it might not be completely identical to what she wishes for. there's still many opportunities to fulfil her wish. let me just make this one small step first.

tired and it's so late. i hope i will not be restless tomorrow. i won't be. there's steamboat and soccer. wow. all events clashes together all the time , when there is none, i'm so bored to death and wished i had more friends whom i can hang out with within my pathetic budget. i can't really sleep now. ahhhhhhhhh.......

was randomly surfing and stumbled onto clairecia's and cherie's blog. i did not know why i i have a crush on them and envy them because perhaps they were 'popular and famous' in school. we all have ups and downs. it's just my own assumption of mine on them because i don't really talk to them or know what to talk to, to understand their situation. anyway, i already apologised and tried to clear things up with them but clairecia didn't reply. it's like part of growing up for me for me to cause them distress especially cherie. god bless them.

am i supposed to say this? it feels i'm not sincere enough because i dont talk to them though when i see them or something. i hope they're doing well though i guess we can't really be friends because alot of effort and communication is needed to break that barrier plus there's already a self defense mechanism that will be activated subconsciously. and i might fall back into that cycle again though my values are slightly different now. is it just me or everyone actually feels that?

just like writing this blog. i can't control myself because i need to let it out. but i can control it because i knwo what i read will affect me(and i still decide to bare it out with the consequences in mind).

ah. now i wished i didnt permanently delete away the 2002 and 2003 entries so i can reminisce and look through how much distress i've caused everyone while 'growing up'. some things just stays with us, we can only consciously(control) or subconsciously(thru self defense mechanism) put it away.

ok, i'm talking to myself. and imaginary friend, please comment. thanks. :)

i am pissed. well, i am allowed to feel that. perhaps that will fuel me to be more brave. do more things, gain more experience. and there are some things i know i can do with alacrity. so it's good. i might not be as good as those 'good' people or celebrities or celebrity bloggers or whatever. i will find a way to make it. even with the wrong reason, at least get started. then realise it on the way, or when i get into bankruptcy, i will go into another twist and appreciate things. then again, wait until it happen.

growth after angsty puberty. i am a late bloomer. perhaps people will say why is it inappropriate or why am i already 23 or whatever that i behave like that. if you cant embrace me, then forget it. i have not embrace this world yet, but i am learning how to face disappointments and do better. still damn caught up in my own world, surrender my life and body and soccer. ok, leave this country. meet people with love. embrace them more, kick people out without love or anything and learn how to deal with the society and all.

be ruthless yet gentle, be fearless yet fearful. learn when is the right time. i believe. hopefully. now it's dying down. fuel me. make me angry or piss me off. come on, test my patience. train me up. i will beat you hands down. and i will forgive because its for me, not for you. cos for now, i want it to be for me first, be selfish then you will know what selfish is, be selfless, then u will know what selfless is. i'm both. but i havent experience extremes. i need one, and then bounce back. then i be selfless, then bounce back and find my balance. not yours. i might regret when i am old. but at least i have lived. no?

would you rather lead a monotone life or a life with ups and downs? let me finish...... now let me move on. i will forgive because i know how all of us are different. i hope you will share with me what you have, and i'll share with you. though most of the time, i cannot do that with the family. maybe i need to leave before i can embrace and appreciate them. i'm digressing. i hope we all will share because then we can create a better world then again, ok. fuck. i am fucking stuck. good. i am jealous at times, then again i can be understanding at times. and i hope marilyn monroe can inspire me to create melvin koo. bye. go nude, hug more.