i still cant help but still have the habit of destroying myself when i'm in a semi-conscious state. who will now love me and still not judge me because of what i do but why i do.

ok. it was about to going to hurt badly and i thought it can be my true feelings and not my mechanisms when my sister just intruded my space. i cant continue. but i really envy grace and kim wei. and as i saw kim wei's blog entries, i realised how much he grew as compared to me. his are actions and while my are words. i still cant get over the camera incident and i feel guilty yet i do not want to bring myself closer to him fearing that i will end up imitating him or that we are different in life. this is a issue i got to handlle myself. i still cannot accept i cannot the best friend of everybody neither is everybody is my best friend.

i cant wait to bare myself out to anyone but who will not judge me because the truth hurts and will shock all. it changes relationships. it hurts when i do not know who to go to.

the good thing is i believe, we all do our best to be appreciative and good to everyone. god bless the japan victim. i'm going to donate some money to them now.

ps: i feel like a fucktard writing to myself. but i still pity myself that i dont think that is wrong, now that's fucked up. someone please help me.

just thought i would like to share this:

Are things said in anger a truer reflection of someone’s feelings (meaning unflitered) or are things said in happier times the real thing?
I don’t think the question here is IS ANGER TRUER. I think the question is HAS ANGER TAKEN YOUR TRUTH? And the only one that can answer that is you.

- Angry

jiayi just called. i'm not going to curse and swear because it has been happening in my life. i just need to control my reaction. i wish to meet the poly friends too but i've already made arrangements. guess this is just life. no point cursing or being angry. i'm quite sad actually. but there's always next time. now it's to appreciate my meal with them. enjoy yourselves. thanks for taking the initiative to invite me. next week perhaps? kw's bday too. now, i'm starting to think of you now. -.-

i guess it is not about trying to impress someone but to be totally true to ourselves. therefore we can accept ourselves and grow from there. this also means being very vulnerable and honest. i am admit i am not perfect, doesn't mean i'm lousy. i am still struggling to accept myself. i still pretend at times. i have been reading theangrytherapist.tumblr.com i think he's very wise and knowledgeable.

did quite a bit the past month. one of the more eventful one was really opening up to someone whom i didnt dare to. thank you for listening and just being there. thank you for trusting me. i wish you will be really joyful and fulfilled in whatever you do.

my birthday was a mixture of feelings. felt stupid for not wanting to celebrate with anybody, then again if i did, i wouldn't be able to go for the course and learn something. did i mentioned i treat chee heng to a meal? i neglected zhi hao. i'm sorry zhi hao. thank you for always helping me 'financially'.

got closer to my colleagues. i am not so afraid of my superior anymore. that doesnt mean i dont respect him. played soccer with him too. it's good. it's amazing how the different people in the office get together. i feel amused yet amazed and happy with them, but not really the working part. behaving more of my 'true' self with them now, and not so much in accordance to the working role when not necessary.

excited about having a supper with the whole family later, meal with chee heng and kevin tmr night, buffet lunch with zhi hao next week.

i need to be present and appreciate them.

something for those who read my entry to ponder about:
whose bone will you see?
for me, i guess it's my family, and two other friends. i'm still not very sure. have you got yours? it doesnt matter if you have only got 1 or 100. the question is who really matter to you? what are you going to do now before they die or you die?

reminder to self: pick up and learn from the course, not just attend it for the sake of attending to prove something and not applying what i learnt.

ps: i initiated to hug my neighbour after our conversation outside the lift just now even though i was quite reluctant at first. i made that first step. we hugged.

i did not keep up with the tragedy in japan, i'm not interested in the news. i don't feel really feel sad for them. but still, bless them.

friends who need hug anytime, you can look for me. happy birthday to all march babies.