i didn't dare to express myself just now in front of chee keng. i kinda feel stuck and then blamed it on the drinking yesterday. loser. i felt happy when he said he wanted to give me his clothing if i like them. who wouldn't be happy? levis, armani exchange, etc. i wouldn't bear to buy all these my own. i dont care if it was worn before... i wish you can see how my heart is feeling and acting inside. thank you chee keng!

i feel that sometimes he is an elder brother to me even though we didnt even hang out once before other than soccer.

okay. good night. i'm tired. soccer again tomorrow with felicia. i guess i might get something for her before she leaves because i'm not sure if i will ever see her again. same goes for caiyu(as an advance birthday present too).

ps: i saw how zi bin has recovered so well and become so fit now, his abs are super amazing. its good to play soccer with him again. it's been more than a year since we played together.

whenever i see jiayi(or poly classmates) is like going overseas, or at least seems to be. i have a tinge of jealousy. and suddenly, i just feel that no one really cares about me. i am all left to be alone. but it is not true. i need to understand why did i feel that. and xiao de is right, i'm always neutral so i am not close to any group. that is the danger. but being in a group is also dangerous, but the dynamics are much bigger and this will pull you towards a certain direction. what i do affect others, and what i not do still affect them. it isnt always just about me in this world. i still do not understand the meaning of 'i am others and others are me'. i guess no matter what i do or not do affect others, so i might as well do something that can help forward me as long there is mutual consent.

being overconcern is not good, because i am impatient and i do not like to communicate. everyone seems to want it to be their way, thinking that it is the best solution for everyone. but is that true? i dont know. perhaps, it is ego. perhaps it's real genuine concern. i am guilty of that.

i always think and hope that i will die in my mid thirties, provided that i can leave a legacy or have a certain achievement like bruce lee or marilyn monroe or athena. i kinda like the idea of death. i hope to survive the moment when i am in the realm outside this world yet you are not yet dead. i haven't really survive any major accident except that i was almost being knocked down by a car once at river valley road and down the hill at outram secondary and i wasn't that conscious as a person at that time.

i am thankful for my secondary school friends because they are so concern about me. i do not think i deserve their friendship. then again, we seem to understand each other yet we do not. we do not talk about our private life. then again, what is it so different from my poly friends then? then again, i'm not in any group so i'm outcast. even if i do join a group, i still feel like an outcast. i do not think our activities are very healthy too compared to poly ones. then again, it's just me. i hope all of you are working towards your dreams/wants because i can feel most of my poly mates are already doing that.

in fact, i think ying jia have already fulfilled one of her 'dreams', but found out for some reason that she cannot continue to hold the job or maybe put it on hold first because there's something more important to be done or maybe that isn't the way she thought it was or maybe that isnt the job she wanted anymore.

i dislike to type what i type sometimes because it doesnt mean anything anymore. it seems like no one cares. even if they do care, i dont think they can help unless they know how to bring out the best in me. i am not pretending. it is of no use i start to realise, but i just cannot let go out it. and i am sure how many people do realise it is kind of a 'waste of time' therefore they rather do something in the real life than to get caught up in this virtual world. when is mine? why do i feel the need to get attention yet i made a unconscious vow when i was 4 or 5 that i need to be independent and that i can be alone. i need to reframe.

happy birthday cliff ang. you got the same birthday as cindy crawford, kurt cobain and rihanna. i think you behave more like athena more because u seem change people's live (by making them laugh) but then you dont talk about your life. it seems you have that perfect life, no one can see through you except that you are 'happy'. are you really happy? have you found joy already? god bless.

PS: i just realised i behave so different from athena. i hope to meet her one day or walk her path but she is already dead.

had dinner with chee heng and zhi hao. it's nice to see how two friends that i care mingle around each other even though our conversations are not deep. just casual. but it's a good start. both of them are so different. i'd hope you will try the escargot, because i hope you would see something different with trying new stuff out. but i'm glad i didn't force you to do something you didn't want to, or not ready to do yet. and i hope you don't feel obliged to treat me something again just because i treat you to dinner or you feel pai seh. i'm not rich or anything but it's something that i want to do for us. because if i ever leave one day, i hope you will be happy for me and know that whatever i do is to compete with myself and break barriers. but i will not forget you. and i hope it always will be.

friends are those who disagree, but still hold hands together - quoted from weini.blogdrive.com


i need to focus. there's so many things i wanna do. need to dig into the core. i'm still all talk or complain and no action yet. call me selfish but i really need to feel/find/be myself and then contribute back to the society. for now, i am glad i still care about people who matters to me.

the singapore women everest team is so cool. they set their minds to do what they want when they are 21,22. and i am 23. ok, reframe. bye.

i am sad that michelle is flying off. not that she will not come back, but then. the feeling sucks not knowing she is in singapore even though i seldom talk to her or anything. i'm cluttered now. then again, as long as i get to see females in the bus. they can take her off my mind. not that i always think of her. it is only like a day like that that it happens. well, nothing can happen. at least, know i need someone as sweet as her, then also someone who is sporty. i am a fussy person though i am not handsome nor tall nor smart nor anything.

i have reframed and want to thank her for being in my life though i had thoughts of what if i didnt know her at all. she is like chasing for what she wants i supposed, her dream, her ideal life, etc. this fuels me. i need to love myself more. thank you michelle/giselle. i'll be happy for you as long you're happy. guess it's friendship love. and then there's also a crush on you. not that we are close or i am close to anyone. perhaps zhi hao is the closest to me right now as i assumed closeness to be doing things together. i will also leave to find my place in this world. hopefully soon. i read nat ho's blog. security and freedom are mutually exclusive.

for to anyone in this world, even if i might not know them or become a couple or friends or whatever, i will be happy for them in general when they get what they want. i believe our hearts are good.
for most people will understand me even though we do not talk.
for when i do it, i will serve as an inspiration.
for i will have to go through my own journey myself and no one else can do it for me, all i can do is lend a helping hand along the way to people:friends,family or strangers whom i do not know when it is within my ability.
for no one is responsible for my life.
for i want to suffer pain and sadness, and experience happpiness, joy and fulfilment.
for if i see her in the airport, i hope i will have the courage to hug her.
for i cannot hide my emotions anymore because it is 'hurting' me.
for i do not want to be bothered by what others think of me (even though i still do)
for i wanna hug many others too (not because i'm horny though sometimes i am but u get my drift)

good night. i need to slp now. i'm tired. i'm slowly letting go of soccer... and i do hope i can sleep.

ps: i cant feel the same raw emotions and feelings as i felt when i was at jiayi's house and on the bus. girls on the bus are good distractions but it only fills the void. temporary but not lasting.

i'm glad i'm going to make it happen. it's halfway through. but i do not want to rest on my laurels because only when you are 90% done, then you can consider it to be halfway through.... this 'context' can be found in paulo coelho's like a flowing river. i hope it will somehow impact her life even if it's like 0.1%. god, please continue to bless me. thank you. i'm not complacent, i'm just excited though it is more for myself than her and i can get her along with me in my small adventures and fulfil her wish even though it might not be completely identical to what she wishes for. there's still many opportunities to fulfil her wish. let me just make this one small step first.

tired and it's so late. i hope i will not be restless tomorrow. i won't be. there's steamboat and soccer. wow. all events clashes together all the time , when there is none, i'm so bored to death and wished i had more friends whom i can hang out with within my pathetic budget. i can't really sleep now. ahhhhhhhhh.......

was randomly surfing and stumbled onto clairecia's and cherie's blog. i did not know why i i have a crush on them and envy them because perhaps they were 'popular and famous' in school. we all have ups and downs. it's just my own assumption of mine on them because i don't really talk to them or know what to talk to, to understand their situation. anyway, i already apologised and tried to clear things up with them but clairecia didn't reply. it's like part of growing up for me for me to cause them distress especially cherie. god bless them.

am i supposed to say this? it feels i'm not sincere enough because i dont talk to them though when i see them or something. i hope they're doing well though i guess we can't really be friends because alot of effort and communication is needed to break that barrier plus there's already a self defense mechanism that will be activated subconsciously. and i might fall back into that cycle again though my values are slightly different now. is it just me or everyone actually feels that?

just like writing this blog. i can't control myself because i need to let it out. but i can control it because i knwo what i read will affect me(and i still decide to bare it out with the consequences in mind).

ah. now i wished i didnt permanently delete away the 2002 and 2003 entries so i can reminisce and look through how much distress i've caused everyone while 'growing up'. some things just stays with us, we can only consciously(control) or subconsciously(thru self defense mechanism) put it away.

ok, i'm talking to myself. and imaginary friend, please comment. thanks. :)

i am pissed. well, i am allowed to feel that. perhaps that will fuel me to be more brave. do more things, gain more experience. and there are some things i know i can do with alacrity. so it's good. i might not be as good as those 'good' people or celebrities or celebrity bloggers or whatever. i will find a way to make it. even with the wrong reason, at least get started. then realise it on the way, or when i get into bankruptcy, i will go into another twist and appreciate things. then again, wait until it happen.

growth after angsty puberty. i am a late bloomer. perhaps people will say why is it inappropriate or why am i already 23 or whatever that i behave like that. if you cant embrace me, then forget it. i have not embrace this world yet, but i am learning how to face disappointments and do better. still damn caught up in my own world, surrender my life and body and soccer. ok, leave this country. meet people with love. embrace them more, kick people out without love or anything and learn how to deal with the society and all.

be ruthless yet gentle, be fearless yet fearful. learn when is the right time. i believe. hopefully. now it's dying down. fuel me. make me angry or piss me off. come on, test my patience. train me up. i will beat you hands down. and i will forgive because its for me, not for you. cos for now, i want it to be for me first, be selfish then you will know what selfish is, be selfless, then u will know what selfless is. i'm both. but i havent experience extremes. i need one, and then bounce back. then i be selfless, then bounce back and find my balance. not yours. i might regret when i am old. but at least i have lived. no?

would you rather lead a monotone life or a life with ups and downs? let me finish...... now let me move on. i will forgive because i know how all of us are different. i hope you will share with me what you have, and i'll share with you. though most of the time, i cannot do that with the family. maybe i need to leave before i can embrace and appreciate them. i'm digressing. i hope we all will share because then we can create a better world then again, ok. fuck. i am fucking stuck. good. i am jealous at times, then again i can be understanding at times. and i hope marilyn monroe can inspire me to create melvin koo. bye. go nude, hug more.

wonder when janet hsieh willl leave singapore and what she is doing now since everywhere is closed. perhaps just practising her violin in the hotel? or maybe not. it doesn't looks it's not her style or tv persona (which i believe she's who she is on the media which makes her so real). she will find something interesting to do.

i guess i will have like 0% probability to be able to see her at the rate i'm being cope at home and just wait for time to go visiting. i supposed there's this inferior complex. i guess she can handle it very well and i wonder how it feels to be her apprentice for a year. maybe i have a different talent and ability.

happy holidays. :)

happy birthday MY.