i can see how my brother took the initiative to ring me up and tell me that my sister is sick and was so worried for her. he's getting more responsible. he loves us, just that he expresses it differently or do not show them for some reason. i would also like to thank him for that if not my mobile phone will be stolen, and i'll curse myself because there's gwen stefani pictures in it. that's why i'm still using it despite the dying symptoms have shown up.

i experienced how someone who is trying to take again my phone just because it slipped out of my pockets trying to be a good friend to me, listening to my conversation with my brother and advices me on how to deal with my sister's fever. as i alighted the bus, one guy who boarded at the same stop with me, mentioned that he saw her taking away my phone when i dropped it. thanks to him, i realised why the lady would do whatever she was doing. like, literally jumping to the seat next to me and asking me how much my blackberry cost after i hung up the call, leaving me so puzzled. how naive i was to tell her so much about myself and felt so stupid afterwards.

as i let my sister hold my hand for support in the lift, i felt that was love. my love for her, it's not like i would let anyone hold me. it's an exception when i am trying to do-what-a-guy-friend-is-supposed-to-do for a female friend, totally different feeling. when i was folding up the jeans of my sister for her to wash her legs while she was putting her hand on my back to balance herself, i wondered if i can do all these for my partner. i'm not ready yet but i know when meet that person, i'll do whatever it takes. so i got to learn from now. starting with my sister. now i know how much effort and energy it takes to take care of someone who fall sick. so i appreciate my mum for doing that all those years.

i guess today is the first time in many years, if not the first that i actually do so much. i feel inferior to my brother but i shouldn't be because we all have different growth at different time.

today was spent getting myself motivated and trying to get something done but it all crashed when i started to stare at facebook and read about genecia luo and then the obsession just went on. it's like what julia mentioned: masturbating in the head. i better start doing something if not all these bubbles will be broken. dreams wont transform into reality if you do not do something about it.

ok, better start to inform people that i will not be contactable on 25-27th feb from 9-7pm before they keep that day free for me. then again, i believe not everyone will. i'm totally fine with that as i realised we cannot wait for others. we have our own life to run for.

there's this quote from dr.seuss: Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

i do not agree on how my mum expressed herself to my sis, but i do know where she is coming from as a mother who is concerned about her daughter who has a 39.4degree fever. i am guilty of that myself like how i sound to my brother when he called me just now. i'm glad he did what he did and wasn't mad at me. i was trying to prove my point before i understand where he was coming from.

time to sleep. my eyes hurts again. i do not want to wear spectacles. someone, get me out so i'll stop staring at the screen the whole day. i'll apperciate you for that. i do hope i do not flare up and accompany my dad if he goes shopping tomorrow since i cannot play soccer or meet ben.

i guess i need to decide quick if i still want to put in time for soccer because it is preventing me from fully exploring other things. i've already started to type the last sentence without 'thinking or feeling', i dont know which but it's going to be a pretense and if i do not stop typing, the cycle will come back. so good night.

i was reading the previous entry i just typed less than 10 mins ago. and i want to say that it's not about the mother but the daughter. because she's so enthusiastic about her writing and music lesson which i supposed is piano. i want to just look at the young girl and be present to everything she do. i kept looking at the mum and daughter and i guess everyone knew i was noticing them. i wanted to express myself by smiling out heartily but i didn't because i was afraid of being judged when inside of me is beaming with joy for this little girl. this reminds me of samantha's daughter now. i passed a note to the mum , and i noticed how the two ladies in front of me were puzzled when did i give a postit note to the mum.

i thought they might think i was going to woo this mum, but i didn't let my assumption take me over. after that, i was filled with happiness. it wasn't easy, i struggled a little to decide if i should give her and paid lots of attention to the mum and she know i was observing her. i want to say she's amazing which i didn't in the note. she looked so tired and all.

anyway, after both of them alighted the bus, i thought to myself. it'll be worth it to go thru all the hassle if it can make a difference in one person's life. i'm inspired to want to help even more people. and this energy gave me the momentum to do what i did for chee heng. not the most expensive or glamourous stuff, no present. but it was with love.

i'll be kidding if i say i'm not addicted to blogging again. i've been reading random entries of my blog tonight after i changed my template using the basic design that was available from blogger. i just realised i take 5 years to get a little less stuck, or 7years if you were to consider when all the 'low' of my life starts to happen.

there's so many things that i thought i understand but didn't and i want to thank jean for staying by me these few years despite not seeing me before. i appreciate that. but a thought came to my head, was she pitying me because i'm going through the hard time because it seems she doesn't change about me anymore. then again, it's my assumption because i havent ask her. relationships can be so vulnerable and fragile. the thought of being happily married for 20 or even 30 years seem so far.

i felt i was filled with love just now when i was doing something for chee heng. i also did a spontaneous act of courage on the bus just now. i hope it didn't ruin it or make it worse because i forgot to express my appreciation but i did appreciate this mother. i think she's pretty but amazingly i do not have a crush on her until now as i'm typing this. then this crush thought is gone again, and comes back as i type about her again. a pattern of myself to take note of.

my sister seems sad. i haven't buy a cake for her yet but i'm going to do it tomorrow. then again, i wish her well and i feel that she's doing something that she wants and believe in strongly on her big day, so i'm glad for her though i'm not in it. may this gives her the courage and strength to be fulfilled.

even before i type this entry, i know it isnt causing me any major problem but i just cant get to sleep. no more pretense. as i take a step back to observe myself, i guess i'm doing this to attract attention. because i have no one to talk to now. should i restrain or let everything out? ok, i cannot observe myself properly because i'm too stuck. good bye before it becomes the unhealthy habit again. typing an entry is supposed to relief some tension but it isnt helping now. good night.

saw Y online on facebook. i hope to talk to her but she didn't reply. the need is still there but then i'm not as needy as before or get very disappointed if she didn't talk to me. i'd be happy as long she's happy. i just want to know if she is happy, though i do not know what to talk about and still think i'm not on par to talk to her. perhaps, i'm having a glimpse of what is love. friendship love. as i am typing this, my pattern is beginning to show up, how will i cope with it later? let's see how it will affect me.

ps: if you're curious who Y is, you can ask me. if i decide you're allowed to know. i'll tell you. don't be afraid that i think you're busybody even if i do not know you well.

i wonder if i am allowed to destroy it myself and seek the truth, because i still wanna invite her to my wedding, and design my house if my wife agrees. what if the truth doesn't need to contain her anymore. i'll be scared because i do not want this memory to be gone.

i want to understand her better.

read this article and perhaps you might understand what i mean.

http://theangrytherapist.tumblr.com/post/998965250/are-you-addicted-to-love

happy birthday lian jie and jiaming. :)

i see an old me in my brother, the way he talks and reacts and all. not that i'm good or totally changed but i'm thankful for that because it will remind me to work on myself. not that it's effective. but it makes me tick in a certain way. i am glad i didn't lash out at him because i stayed calm. it was only now that i realised when i was having a conversation with my sister that i didn't managed to catch myself but luckily i stayed calm and not reacted if not...

oh, i am just wondering when will i be able to reach the level beatrice tan and ang wei ni is. their personality are bigger than their appearance. and by this typing this. it means something. i never mention any guy but girls. perhaps u can tell me about myself that i haven't understand? :)

right now, i know i cannot do much to my appearance but can work on myself. the inner peace within me that contains the truth in my heart and not let other things affect me. reading theangrytherapist.tumblr.com for the past few days after benjamin intro-ed me to his website. i guess i should "just do it" for now, rather than focus on thinking or "why".

and i wanna write that i am suppressing myself all along. i say that maybe i will not get married and all because i am afraid of of going through commitments, failure and putting myself down be of worth to someone as i've seen how many break up and then can never become friends again. i have been wondering how wonderful it is to go to the supermarket with the girl to do grocery shopping (pushing the trolley and holding her hand), have fun preparing our dinner and laugh at each other when there's flour or some other food stuff on our faces, and a dinner at home. not in singapore, but some other country (europe or usa) whereby we have to drive an hour to walmart and houses that have a chimney and garage, with a beautiful sea view.

okay, to be continued another day for the after dinner part or perhaps there will never be. my thoughts have been distracted by my colleague who ask me to say 4 good things about myself to another colleague on msn, who plays soccer and represent the female team in deakin uni. to be honest, i like this personality of this colleague because of her frankness and all but there's more to that because i want to become like her and i'm still superficial about appearance. she's proficient in both legs and the way she shoots the ball is faster than me in those tight angles that you wouldn't expect. i'm amazed how she can do it. i respect her for that. i used to be able to do that when i was learning how to play soccer by emulating the beckham's kick, but not now since i did not practice it anymore.

i'm tired i feel like sleeping now. and if i dont think so much, i can. but if i think i'll justify and think what's the point of sleeping so early since i have nothing on tomorrow.

but i should fix something in the morning next time, not sports because i'm playing soccer and i must figure out what to do. i cannot waste time like that.

i hope this is the last time, i'm doing that not to please but just to meet people. right now i feel like justifying but then i guess i'm not. i just want to express my feelings. if the activity have become so social, then i better get some new friends who have the same aim and interest with me. this is not considered neglecting old friends because no one will care, everyone is moving forward in whatever ways. this is something i am being reminded when i recall the conversation with kim wei. i'll be happy for you if u share your success with me. i'll still be there to help you (if it's within my means).

i thought that since we're on this topic on improvement. i am just wondering why everyone is so obsessed with improvement. i know i'm talking about this because i am not 'improving'. and what constitutes improvement? oh, i'm brain dead. i can't think. i probably need to wear spectacles soon, and i don't want that to happen. ciao.

oh a side note, i saw evon's facebook photos. if yingjia had let more people know about her flea, perhaps she will have more business? or if not friends will go there to support her, spend some time with her and promote her items. then again, i have no right to comment because it's her flea, not mine and i''m only think, no action, no talk. so ok. another experience i do not have and i kind of am jealous of it. and it's my own problem because i do not want to try. not a powerful choice, but at least i'm starting to exercise my choices now. so bye. my eyes fucking hurts.

gone and back.

asked a friend to change my password but then now they use google account so i could log on in again.

think i'm more calm now. not that i am perfect but think i am more conscious compared to the past. not that i am totally sure of what i really want because i realised that there's so much more work to work on myself to discover the 'truth'. i eat junk food by choice now (at least most of the time), and not impulse or craving. i am conscious that i am growing fat, and i am not hating myself (yet).

finding out more about who i am. read an article by a life coach saying that perhaps trying to focus on who we want to be rather than what we want to do works out better. after reading tumblr the whole night during work yesterday, i do believe on why we do rather than what we do.

no resolutions for this year but somethings i might want to do. it's a dilemma because i want to write it down. but if i'm going to let most people know about my blog(which i havent decide if i should) i guess it will ruin it for her. yes, her but i am single and not attached. so yeah.

well, no more pretense. i cant say that i am totally not bothered if no reader read, but i am less concern with pleasing people or trying to get gain acceptance from others. live and learn from mistakes. not that some habits have go away, but i am still trying to embrace them and find out why i act the way i do. like now...
i wanna say jennifer lopez is so beautiful and pretty for who she is. you can be skinny, or more voluptous like J.lo, i'll still think you're pretty.

then again, i havent figure out if this is a justification or a mask to hide something else but heck it for now. i'll embrace it. i like almost everyone. cool beans. i like acoustic songs and those songs on weini.blogdrive.com . i do not know what kind of genre they are though. before u go there, let me warn you that she is a pretty lady (to me), if you cannot control your projections or any issues on her (which i initially did, and i'd like to say 'crush on first sight/eyecandy'), then it's not my problem because i warn you. then again, we are all different. good luck. :)