suddenly i don't really know what i really want or i never did.
getty image's pictures are just breathtaking.

i can't finish my work and feel like sleeping now. do not have the motivation to do anything as i'm having a stomach pain since 9pm and it's not the kind i experience frequently. it just hurts inside, not gastric or bloated or anything. maybe it's the pear i ate. anyway, i wished my dad didn't come home. i'm so used to him not coming home. in fact, when he comes home, i can't really get to sleep.

i am late and i can't be bothered. i dislike projects. i have no friends. when there is proejcts, i want to do the things i want to do. but when there is no more project for the week, i feel so empty because i'm already so used to doing project to occupy my time even though i get frustrated because i think all of the content is what i did and i don't know how to explain. i'm already to used to doing something that i can't do what i want to do. i'm feeling so lonely today. what shall i do after school? it sucks. i don't want to work/do tutorials/study all my life as i think i won't be in this industry.

went to watch pirates of carribean: dead's man chest at jurong point with my siblings today. it was good to see that they are growing up and learning. how i felt at that moment cannot be described. it was the first time they ate in subway and after i taught jeremy how to order. i made him teach jasmine how to order, choose whatever topping, sauce, etc that they want.

i seriously wish they will not follow my footsteps of being antisocial and insisting on doing what they like when they know they don't have the training/or groups of friends/willpower to do what they want solely by themselves. they have to choose another alternative unless they want to suffer like me. i can't explain to them but can only see them go through the somewhat similar process that i went through. this makes me feel useless.

i seriously hope neither of them are having an affair outside or anything. i had moodswing yesterday and suddenly i didn't feel like doing any work. i didn't even swim for two weeks already neither did i went to jog. unable to curb myself, i sinned not too long ago.... i also started to wonder if i was walking by faith and it takes such a long time because i know something will happen. i am like bluffing myself to be happy and i know that will not last as it is a deception.

i'm officially shorter and lighter now. 163cm and 54.9kg. i wonder why.

god have been kind to me. i have been reading the book and my thoughts are not so negative these few days. started to go swimming and jogging two weeks ago. intending to make it my weekly routine if time and schdules allow. swimming does makes me feel satisfied although some elderly and kids swim so many more laps yet much faster than me and my hair is totally dried out/spoilt (i don't know), not smooth and silky anymore.

i have begin to feel the pain in my right knee rencetly even if i don't walk much. the workload from school is getting so much heavier day by day. i can't decide whether to join a cca. the awkwardness of being a yr2 together with yr1, projects, time management, friendships and really being happy in that cca... but the rest of my schoolmates are getting so many cca points, experiences, friendships and resume built up. but my pride and being not contented. 2 wrongs.

i'm starting to worry again. the third wrong.

oh yes, i saw a lady/female young adult on the bus today when i get back from ttsh. talking about this. let me digress a little, i went ttsh twice and i wasted my time and money travelling there. i have to make an appointment to go there again with at least another two classmates/tripmates so i will get to save about $35 on consultation fees. it's so expensive and troublesome to get a travel pre evaluation because everyone have different timetable/schdule, which is the main reason(that i forgotten) why i wrote an entry today.

coming back to the lady, i think she stays in the condominium just beside raffles town club. she's like slightly taller than me and wearing a black flowery designed dress and flats. she have long hair, nice skin, pretty(i don't know what is pretty) and good figure(i supposed) and there is a charisma about her. she just attracts me and melts me heart. i was feeling as if jessica alba/keira knightley was standing beside me. she was not dressing skimpily though she did stretch her dress down a bit and she uses a samsung phone of an old model. only after she left the bus that i thought i should smile at her when she looked at me and tell her she is very sweet looking and attractive. maybe this might start to become a good social psychology experiment in the bus. maybe if i dressed in jeans and carry a crumpler that makes me looks more mature she would have a deeper impression and i would stand a chance to know her. maybe she's already married but i assume she's 22. but seriously, i can't even remember how she looks the minute after she alighted from the bus. i can only remember her dress, her footwear colour, her purse, her phone, a mole on her face, the colour of her bag, her toe nail colour and where she stays. i might want to take 190 every tuesday opposite far east plaza around 5.30pm.
one word.
lust.