wed.
celebrated chin wei's birthday, it wasn't that successful and i got everyone moody at one point for the first time organising a bday surprise. talked during dinner at pastamania about relationship when shi jun took out her horoscope book, and they've concluded i'm a typical piscean.

after watching 'hai you ming tian' just now, i've begin to wonder whether why i liked older girls, is because i'm lack in love and wants someone to take care of me like my mum. but it's not that i'm lack of motherly love like 'ah hong' in the show.

thurs.
pei shan and gang wanted to go for steamboat for a mini 2/6 gathering. but it was raining, watched flightplan and dine at terra at bugis in the end. made jia wang so pissed off that he didn't pick up our call because we cancelled the steamboat last minute when he rushed down to marina bay after sending priscilla off the airport.

i don't mind watching flightplan again! jodie foster is so attractive in the movie. her motherly love.

i don't feel like blogging anymore. but i felt happy on both days except i still can't really be my real self and jiawang was pissed and we didn't bother to sms him to say sorry. and whenever i'm alone, all the negativity just sinks in straight away.

what's the difference between worldliness and reality?

i wanted to press the 'send' button just one minute back, but she was offline already. wait for almost 1hr also no use. haha.

i must be mad. cos i ask wenhsin whether i can get her permission to use the idea to celebrate chin wei's bday. anyway, i've got a feeling tomorrow won't work out and since it's going to be raining, it will be in the mrt station, and i will be super embarassed.

i've just added her in my msn. i'm mad. i even told her my particulars in the email when she replied me asking who am i. i was trying to be fair since i read her whole blog and roughly know how tall she is, her weight, etc. so i was being fair. i think she thinks that i might be a stalker, since she didn't reply my email back.

i want to go swimming with the girls later, but i will oversleep and most probably be embarassed and tired , which will make things worse cos i'm already so moody abt tomorrow.

current desktop background.

Frente!
Bizarre Love Triangle

Every time i think of you
I feel shot right through with a bolt of blue
It's no problem of mine but it's a problem I find
Living a life that I can't leave behind
There's no sense in telling me
The wisdom of a fool won't set you free
But that's the way that it goes
And it's what nobody knows
While every day my confusion grows
Every time I see you fallingI get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for that final moment
You'll say the words that I can't say

I feel fine and I feel good
I'm feeling like I never should
Whenever I get this way, I just don't know what to say
Why can't we be ourselves like we were yesterday
I'm not sure what this could mean
I don't think you're what you seem
I do admit to myself
That if I hurt someone else
Then I'll never see just what we're meant to be
Every time I see you fallingI get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for that final moment
You'll say the words that I can't say

i'm still scared , didn't go for service and cell grp ended when i reach there. i agreed to go next week for cell and service because malcolm is going to baptise next week.

this one comment made my day even though i'm sad/stone for the whole day. never expected this person to leave a comment.

went to polyclinic to take somemore cream to apply for my fungal infection and went to the library to borrow books on mon. borrowed two books, one titled 'addicted to unhappines' , another a non-fiction murder mystery book. left the self improvement to rot , there's too much words and i'm so not interested after i din really know what it's talking abt. just bits and pieces over there.

played soccer on wed with ivan kor kor, and i called the person, i'm not working anymore.

read blinkmummy's blog. haha. she's so intellectual or i should say read entries that makes me go saying "blinkymummy!" to myself and start smiling/laughing. ah, she's attached liao. haha. if she was my sister... or gf. or even my mummy! btw, i'm not psycho.

i smelt blood when i washed my face one week back, and now it's scarred.

i see and smell blood when i brush my teeth since few days back, and my teeth is so yellow despite brushing my teeth everyday. i feel like rinsing my mouth with listerine twice a day to spare me the agony of brushing my teeth when i enter the batheroom. i used listerine to cure ulcers recently [because lazy to apply cream], but will it weaken my gums?

i ate home cook food for the first time this year consecutively since three days back, and i realised that i'm taller than my dad! but he might be shrink, since he's getting old. so i might not even grow at all.

my dad is finally back. the first thing i realised was his stomach [will see why is it so in the later part of entry], it was buldging out like nobody's business. he brought back so many clothes [for himself, since it was given by my uncle] . i know the nike shirts are authenic, but for nautica and lee pants i'm not too sure. the mp3 players in china are not cheap.

this was what my dad told us...

my uncle could afford a condominium in guangzhou, travelled around in a cab all the time, brought my dad to restaurent everyday for meals. the monthly amount for living in the condominium is sgd 3000.

the haircut there was sgd 2 (but my dad's hair doesn't look that good). the real lee jeans was sgd 180, but he bought it in the warehouse for sgd 12.50 . [ i wonder why the lee jeans over there is so expensive... i rather buy two levi's in singapore.]

oh yes, he bought a imitation tag heuger watch when his current one isn't faulty yet. also bought another imitation mount blanc 'look like purse cum sling bag' kind of girly bag for sgd 30+, the real one made of full leather was sgd 100+.

anyway, glad that he is happy after this trip.

=)

didn't go to church, felt a little out of place during service that day when they eat the biscuits and drink.

i spoilt the refrigerator. it was those 30yrs back type, whereby it doesn't defroze and u have to clear the ice every week. i was happily 'carpenting' into the ice and it went into the metal system on the top leaving a 'slit' shaped hole and all the refrigerant escaped. it was very smelly, like the smell of those new shoes we buy and lingered around my finger for few hours.

how am i going to pay for a new fridge? even if i worked for two weeks, it'll be only $400+, and there goes my first pay, so memorable. the worse was my mum just bought lots of frozen food back today, and now it's all in a styreoform box. probably all the 5kg ice i bought have melt by now. haha, so maybe we will get a bigger fridge like the one 6mth back, hope the court pple won't come and seal the items at home again.

feeling that i've done something wrong, i went to start the car engine for 5-10mins, and i stayed in the car for abt an hour [an excuse to escape from home]. looked at the moon, listening to 98.0 or 98.7. everything was same as the other day, except i realised it was only today that i made full use of the dark transparent compartment of the car to look at the sky, after having this car for 3-4yrs. most probably it will be sold off soon, and i will miss the car.
thought of how wonderful it was to go to the beach every week/month to look at the sky with someone close whom i can talk to easily.

thought of how it will feel like to slp in the car without switching on the air-con, thinking if i've tried it, will my mum call me and if i didn't pick up the call, will she come down to the car and save me.i've almost tried it, i was getting rather slpy and my brother just had to call me.

also thought of how people committed suicide breathing cardon monoxide in the car [i still can't figure out till now]. haha, i like one of the techno song playing just now, it just make me grooze to the music and the car was shaking as if something meant not to be seen was going on. makes me want to go clubbing.

yeah, my dad is coming back tomorrow night. finally! and he has got me a lee jeans, which cost only S$12 over there. he seemed so concern abt the family when he's there. i really hope this trip will change him, and he's on his way to become a successful man!

just came back from raffles place. we took 4hrs+ to decide where to go after joseph quarelled with his parents at 11+am. went marina to bowl, then the marina's food junction there eat, raffles place's food junction and had free barley[because yi wei work there part time] and herbal chicken, then drinks at the burger king downstairs.. yi wei has grow up quite alot. the experience he learnt from working at ntuc and food junction. his ngee ann sci course camp, badminton camp, lecturemates, classmates, etc. he told me so much.

it's good to see him really enjoying yet studying. he has open up alot. haha. =) but i knew joseph was bored all the while, he din talk [he became me, who can shut up thru out whole day without uttering less than 10 sentences] . i tried to ask him what happened and he didn't tell me. most of the what yi wei said, he knew almost everything. i've learnt alot from yi wei, yet i didn't manage to make joseph happy.

took the bus back, and there's a girl who sat beside me directly under the air-con. she was so polite, said sorry when she wanted to take a seat. i feel uneasy. she wore a white flowery design skirt and white slippers, carries a white cloth bag. i took a peek at her from the corner of my eyes and she saw wore a black jacket.

coincidentally, when she hang up on the phone, my sister called me. she's so sweet on the phone, so polite and everything. she tried to slp, and curled up, it was obvious she was cold. i wonder whether was i being a gentleman. i wonder if i asked her if she wanted to change place, then i can see her face properly. i knew it was lust.

i was scared to do so, and i had to go to the toilet urgenly, i can't sit under the air-con, it will be worse. so in the end i didn't. i thought she might be older than me, because seldom will female teen willingly to see with a boy she didn't know. if she did, it shows that she don't mind, and most probably she's mature. if at that time, she was my gf. i would gladly exchange place with her. but i guess she has a bf already. i was thinking of the pros and cons of why i had to sit at my place or exchange seats with her, what position shld i sit, what should i be doing, where my eyes will be looking. then it was reaching my stop, i wanted to say sorry to her when i alight the bus, but i didn't. i tried to look in from outside the box, and i think she look quite ok. although i've forgotten how she look like.

i'm mad.

the company still hasn't contact me yet.

and girls are getting taller and taller, my face is so scarred already, pls pls pls let me grow till 173cm.

surfing the websites of overseas universities makes me go mad. hahahahaha. there's so many thing to be learnt and some many things to see and feel and touch in this world. just too many things that i can do and read up on the books to keep me occupied than to get upset and think about what's over in the past.

finding peace with myself shall not be an obstacle anymore.

=)

i envy and feel happy for my outram friends, that they're enjoying their life now. not literally not studying, but the times spent together happily with friends.

too haunted by the past.

my biological clock is still upside down. and the company hasn't email me the information about the date, attire, venue of my job. i don't know why i agreed to meet up with the flagfootball boys when i'm not interested in it anymore.

i'm reading blogs of people of my age studying overseas and realised my dad has went to guangzhou since yesterday morning. and i forgot to say i love him.
now i dun even know whether i miss him or not. but he sure does miss us. he called more than 5 times since he arrived over there. i shouldn't have been so hostile to him. he even asked me what i want to get from china.

maybe i should go overseas to study, then i will really learn how to treasure the people around me. the feeling of not being able to grow up fast and being stuck in between this society makes me not to know what i'm doing.

it is weird not to hear my dad's snore.
i hate myself sometimes.

the first good few songs [25minutues and sleeping child] i've listen when i was 7-8yrs old and memorised part of it are from this band.

Michael Learns To Rock

You Took My Heart Away
(Music and words: Jascha Richter)

Staring at the moon so blue
Turning all my thoughts to you I was without hopes or dreams
I tried to dull an inner scream but you
saw me through
Walking on a path of air
See your faces everywhere
As you melt this heart of stone you take my hand to guide me home and now
I'm in love

Chorus: You took my heart away
when my whole world was gray
You gave me everything and a little bit more
And when it's cold at night and you sleep by my side
you become the meaning of my life

Living in a world so cold
you are there to warm my soul
You came to mend a broken heart
You gave my life a brand new start and now
I'm in love

Chorus: You took...

Holding your hand
I won't fear tomorrow
Here were we stand
we'll never be alone

went faith community baptist church yesterday. was more comfortable because the cell group is all boys and there's malcolm. there's so many teachers there. from nj and nus high school. i like the solemn environment, but not the way how the pastor gave the sermon. maybe i should learn how to like lively environment, then city harvest will be good for me. anyway, it has make me happy scared but happy till now. but it's like hidden agenda to go church. bad, and sinful? and my heart is still unwilling to commit to him?

went to see my grandma yesterday, she was looks alright. hope she can walk as soon as possible, then she'll be able to go out whereever she wants.)

hope it's a good day for everyone today.

played soccer just now again.

before that i helped an old uncle crossed the overhead bridge from my bus stop to the 4th storey of the opposite block which is his house. he raised his voice at me when he asked me for help when i was walking to the bus stop and whenever i didn't have enough strength to support him when he hold my wrist, i didn't quite like it because i'm trying my best. i mean yes, if he's angry or anything because his left leg is bent and he still has to collect cans or his child is unfilial, but how much he can expect from me when one of my hand is carrying his three bag of cans, and the other carrying my hp, shoebag and wallet. i'm carrying a bag also.

he was telling me how good that person was, gave him money to take taxi back home before he asked me for help.

the after effect : thought of being a volunteer, to pity him or me, perspired so much for the first time by just walking a overhead bridge, wasted 38mins , donated $2, my left hand ache so much that i can even hardly lift up or bent it backwards. i'm still angry, thinking of him scolding me as if i owe him a living, and everybody stared at me at the bus stop and on the overhead bridge as if i was his grandson. or i'm acting to be a kind soul.


i realised there's people worse off than me. i seriously hope that it will be better for them. i want to help them, but i still can't help myself. however, all of them are girls. now, i respect jc students even more.

i like talking to my mum nowadays. she's such a funny and interesting person but still doesn't like technology.

love you.

my maternal grandma just had a operation. i hope she will recover as soon as possible. thank god for the successful operation.

it's still so difficult to let people know the real me.

i've passed all the modules. there's isn't any A. all B except bcn and cats , i got a C. wahahahaha. i'm so happy. cos i din study much and didn't really expect to pass. it's good not to compare. i hope no one ask me or tell me their results cos i know theirs are bound to be better than me.

had a talk with malcolm yesterday. should i go touch or chc. touch is nearer and more convenient, opposite my grandma's house. somemore the cell grp consists of all boys. i want to go touch community, but how am i going to tell yingying that i won't be going chc anymore.

=)

oh my.... all the best to those having exams!

i've begin to regret taking up the job which is starting next week till the end of my holidays. no more mixing around with my sec sch friends. somemore next week, it will be free for everybody in school, except those taking a's and o's. everybody will be going out, be together, etc. while i'll be stuck at work.

went to a poly clinic the first time. the doctor was so fierce. her appearance reminds me of the small pri6 girl who buys things from my mum. i shall be as fussy and clean as how i was in pri sch. 1more month to stop doing vigorous sports.

it was the first time i bought something from pacific plaza today. a black reef slippers. i hope it last. usually people will buy those with design to show it's from which company, but weird me only bought the one with no design except a small logo less than 1cm at the bottom of the slippers. and i like it. in fact, i like to buy branded stuff that people can't notice the brand, unless they scrutinise the whole thing. i'm wondering why i like to spend money like that.

met up with lee yeung, paul wai, joseph and yi wei to catch 'the myth' in ps gv. talked for a while, played pool and arcade. felt so much more relaxed and happier with them. =)

hope all the j1/pri sch/sec1-3 students will not be stressed out by the exams. all the best to them, esp my sis, brother, shu zhen, shiling, wei ru, york san, joy.

meet yingying for the 1st time after knowing her online since 4yrs ago.

went city harvest church for the 1st time. the building is nice. learnt something from the service today.

talked to rosanne, chee heng online. i didn't know what i suddenly had the courage to say i still have crush on her on and off. told chee heng something about our friendship, wishing it to be like how it was when we're p6. something so random that i think he didn't know what to reply. but i was too selfish anyway. just hope that he's really happy with his new friends.

reading a jc student's blog. and just did the quiz from the link of her blog.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who have a split personality - cold as ice on the outside but hot as fire in the heart. In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored. You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change. You would be forced to break up with someone who was arrogant, acting like the dictator of your life. Your ideal relationship is comforting. You crave a relationship where you always feel warmth and love. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage. In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?