that was also the first time in my life that i saw my dad using an umbrella to cane my siblings.

i just can't get the message across to them to leave my dad alone.

it's difficult being the eldest. maybe it's a learning process. but what if this happens to me in future. money is the root of all evil.

i guess i'm not a very strong person who needs someone to be by my side all the time. i'm wondering how am i going to protect my gf in future, that's if i have one.

so many thoughts just going through my mind.

there was a heated argument just now between my bro and sis with my dad. the items in the house were sealed today.

i don't know how to feel. sometimes i force myself to find fault with my own. sometimes, i'm nonchalent about it. sometimes i feel that it's both party fault. sometimes, it' my fault.

confused. i'm wondering it is that i'm forcing myself to self pity myself. i feel nothing much about it, yet i have a habit of blogging it down. i want to cry, but it's like half forcing myself/half willingly on its own.

there's still so much work to be done...

the rashes is not getting better though it's dried up. it's still spreading all over the body. i think i won't be going back to sec sch/pri sch tmr. bcn project to be done in the morning in sch.

last bmf tutorial for me to ask wong yok na qns tmr, but i haven't even started revision for the test on friday.

today's autocad session tells me there's so so so much thing i don't know how to do. but i really put in effort already, but not study smart. there's like 3/4 of the icons i never use before. i stick to the few icons i'm comfortable with. that's why i'm so slow in doing my autocad.

but i really think that some of them are sincere in teaching me. thanks lots to xiaode and chinwei for helping me just now. not to forget the female assistant teacher.

i think i feel numb.

courtesy of [photographer] evon's k750i and digi cam.

in the bust just now, all the boys were speaking chinese and i felt that we left out elfie. i didn't speak much though, that's why i could observe what's going on.

during bowling, i can see the elfie was hoping to win me. he was quite quiet and his action tells me so, i mean those 'silence' action. ah. and i was wondering, if both of us are so competitive. i wonder what will happen if both of us fall out one day? and i think i'm closer to him than any guys. ok, at least now i'm better with chin wei. but the mindset is still different. anyway, he won both round. today, i didn't bowl quite right. dunno why. felt weird, esp on my footing.

i've not started neither mes or bmf revision. i wonder how am i going to ask mr. soo qns during lecture tomorrow though i doubt no one will attend the lecture tmr. it's just 'who wants to ask him qns then go lecture'. if no one attend the lecture, i'll be extra.

bmf test is this friday. wed is last lecture of semester, last time to ask her qns. so many things not done.. wed is also teachers' day celebration. i wonder should i go back to sch and pon bmf lecture. how?

i've touch my autocad for an hour or more. finally going to finish ex 8.2, i'm so slow... and i'm stuck already. so going to ask for help tmr.

i keep looking at the bbq pics and smiled. i think i'm getting closer to them. ok, maybe not closer. but at least i enjoyed myself more with my classmates.

ah, today i went to bukit purmei, to my dismay, they were all not there. i smsed/called carlvin kor kor but he didn't pick up. i think he forgot to inform me. i'm a lil disappointed why he didn't pick up my call or anything, at least i will know that i won't be waiting in vain. so ya. i won't really blame him if he picked up that call.

then i want to renault to see car with dad, because of hte free car wash, we waited there for 1.5hr. renault is having a car wash carnival. he didn't have the intention to buy renault car. and he asked so much. he couldn't act. the sale lady was also a lil bored when "serving" him. the way he ate the free food there was horrigible, as if he didn't eat for yrs. yes, he didn't take his breakfast, and i appreciate that he fetch me the destination everyday without fail. but that's not the right way.

ah. i find the sales lady quite not bad. she is just average looking. but i dunno why i suddenly have a thought whether if she was my gf for a few moment... ok, that's not very good. i also dunno why. and ytd i thought of jiayi and evon... sometimes i wonder whether i am lack in love, that's why i always think so much. but my parents are really nice... though the incident have changed my dad drastically. he dun have bad/evil intention.

i still miss friday evening.

time to eat and for go soccer later.

at first the bbq created lots of problem. anger, quarrels, shouts were just part of the problems in the morning.
in the end, it turned out fine. even agnes, joreen helped to bbq the food. it turned out good. jiayi always said i'm so quiet. but i'm actually admiring all of them. they seeemed happy, so i did somehow. the stars, sea breeze, sound of the waves is so soothing.

ah, i tend to like try to pick an arguement with jiayi or evon nowadays, though i'm playing a fool. but they always try to 'shoot' me. so when i become quiet, they say... 'are u alright? why are u so quiet?'.. it feels weird.

i find that evon doesn't really like to play sports or want to learn new sports, but she's a photo freak. she is like the photographer during the bbq. takes photos of herself and people. candid shot, posed, etc... and i find that it's not that bad to have a gf like evon when having bbq. she's quiet, and i can see she enjoy the breeze... jiayi is more sporty, she plays lot of volleyball today.

ah. i'm tired. but i feel happy, and i think this might the first bbq with friends i felt so happy, as far as i can remember. =) i wished i can go gaze at the stars with someone close and talk to them during a weekend once a month or weekly.

i hope i can pass the test tmr. ok, i think i might pass. cos i put in about the same amount of effort as the rest i supposed. listening during lecture is important. the things u learnt and absorb when there's someone to guide u along is different from what u do when u self-study. there's doubts and alot of pple don't really bother to clarify it and just continue to study along with ur gut feeling.

i was initally very high and happy, excited about the class bbq tmr, cos i can finally play volleyball. but i cut myself in the bathroom just now using a rusty scissors. i hope it wun get any infection if not that's the worse thing that can happen to the body. i told my mum, she said i'm not normal or sth. cos normal human will have hair. but i just hate hair. i dunno why too.

i din go for the soccer training today, cos no one go. and i wanted to study for my test.

thinking of it, i doubt there will be alot of pple at east coast park. it's not the hols. but it's a friday. so i shld expect one or two pits with teens or sth. hope so.

and. haha. i will be wearing the nike shoes my uncle send over here from china, it looks weird. cos it's like 3/4 nike dunk design , and there's an "air" word at the side of the shoes like the nike air force 1. but it's written there on the shoes as nike air force I, maybe it's the air force I in china. ah. and the sole is also totally different from nike air force I or nike dunk.

wahhaha. i can't wait to wear my shoes! i dun mind using it to play soccer or dirty it. it's just like S$15. cheaper than sch shoes.

i just ate less tahn 4hrs ago and my stomach is hungry again.

sigh.

there isn't any mes lecture today, so we had 2 hour break. not exact 2hrs, but 1.5hrs cos i was doing my autocad. felt some sense of achievement when i finished ex8.1[last week's work] in the room today all by myself. it's sometimes good not to compare. at long as i can finish it within the deadline, it's good enough.

after that, bcn. the tutorial questions was relatively easy. everything was just a breeze. went to the d&t room to do our door model. i saw the wood, and relieve my sec1 and 2 days. i wanted to take a picture with some of my classmates together, but everybody was busy. and i doubt no one wants to do that maybe for angela and shijun. the only two girls who went to the room. it is really dusty. ah, i want to take lots of photos nowadays. i just dunno why. wahaha.

chin wei and i decided to use the d&t room as the venue for our ergonomics report. i think it's a good idea.

grala didn't reply in friendster, i doubt she will anyway. since she doesn't know me, and it's very scary when someone who u do not know, knows so much about u...

i really envy those in the singapore netball team/sch netball team girls. their friendship, team bonding...

i don't know why i'm suddenly so pissed with the msn messenger even though the thing has been stuck there for quite some time. knowing that the computer is lagging, he still anyhow check the box "sign in automatically". i feel like punching him now. my mood is spoilt by him, there's still so much homework to do. and i've not been wasting any time today. just that i was too tired and i slept during the evening from 7-11 just now, and he's still on the com when i woke up. this laptop is not his own personal pc. being hungry right now is making everything worse.

i'm glad IT test is alright today, and i can happily say i will get 80marks. that's my prediction. =)

oh, this to add on, tomorrow is his maths prelims, and he doesn't even touch a single piece of paper when he reached home, all he did was to touch the com. not too sure what he was doing when i was slping though i doubt he is just too engrossed into his game.

autocad again.. if there's no autocad , i wun be so pissed, it takes a very long time to do, in fact hours [for my pace of doing the work]. and i doubt i will be able to do finish autocad, mechanical system is enough to kill me for now.

the feeling of draggin my work sucks. i seriously hope i won't fail my autocad in two weeks time.

i feel bad for leaving shiling behind studying on her own during the wee hours in the morning and dealing with all those virus. but i need to sleep. sorry... now maybe i can understand why online friends usually drift apart after a certain period of time.

i wonder whether i will do my work tmr also.. after playing soccer, still need to pray maternal grandfather and great grandparents. there's mircosoft access , autocad. ah. all it related stuff. and mes, drawings. ah. freak.

johanna is quite 'not bad' after i saw her friendster. but she's way too tall. 8cm taller than me. wahhaha. i realised most netballers are attractive. that includes her.

ok, madness.

i shld be slping.

nite blog.

for rp_gal...

it was quite fun and fulfilling for the past 2 days.

thurs.
while trying doing the presentation in the canteen 2, i saw daphne khoo. during our cats, we screwed up our presentation, and i have to admint our product is the most unappealing and amateurish among all. but our product has one of the lowest cost among the others i supposed. then after that, i went to play pool. i sdtill don't really dare to play with others. so, i always lose. heh.

went back home, rush to sch. saw daphne khoo again while crossing the bridge to school. and she looks quite pretty, abit skinner compared to the last time i saw her in school. her skin also not bad, but she's short. =X i heard she's still in yr1 cos of singapore idol. i wonder it is a good or bad thing. she wasted her school fees the whole of last year to gain experience and fame during sg idol. if she's from st.margaret's , why don't she go jc. i wonder why silver go to sp's optometry too, when she's from nyghs, and i believe she can cope up with the stress in jc.

the soccer training was pathetic. only the three of us went. there were 9 people all together. i hope there wil be more people the next week. i was comtemplating whether to join them when the rest filled in the consent form on the spot. anyway, i've handed up. peer pressure. i think soccer is not of the utmost important thing in my life now. maybe i'm starting to play for leisure. not too sure.

i lent chin wei my pants cos he fall down so many times, he looked like he just bathed after walking back from the field. hope this will bring us one step closer. and maybe this soccer activity thingy is the start of it. i can't really call it a club training, cos they're not really that good neither it is a proper training.

ok, my english is getting worse. shall end thur's entry.

oh yes, during cats, mr liew left me quite a good last impression, he told us to pick up everything we learn during any modules, whether we liked it or not. it will benefit us. and there's also he's so patient with us. don't have such a fierce look. i don't mind having him as my lecturer/advisor for other modules. he just have that patient fatherly character. actually, i'm quite sad cats has ended. i only dread doing the project, but i enjoy his lessons.

friday.
as usual for a daily routine, was late for lecture. then during bmf presentation, wong yok na was pissed off with us. she said we were not paying attn and making alot of noise. i do agree. but that's not the way to scold us, she was late too. and it's not everyone's fault. at least even if i dont pay attn, i didn't interupt them. she keep staring at me. =(

after class, we went to bowl at bukit panjang plaza. ah. i realised two of them didn't really know how to bowl. elfie is good. he can use both hands, and his method of throwing was correct. ah, i'm right to stick with elfie. hmm, cw still doesn't talk so much, but wk did talk alot as if he was so pro. kw does it the correct way, but he uses his weight most of the time. he can see his body sway. weird. anyway, both wk and cw threw using the correct method towards the end of the game. =)

oh yes, i found wk's ez-link card when i walked into the lecture hall yesterday. i did another good deed. hoho. but i don't want to be that close with him. talks big.

i think i'm getting a little more comfortable with my classmates now, except there's the fear that i will change. i don't want to. i still want to be fit, etc. the different mindsets. like talking big is part of someone's life. but it's hard to join in the conversation. etc. ah. ok, my english is screwed.

a primary school kid can write better than me.

boring rainy lonely sat.

i'm in school now alone. this is the first time i skipped a lesson on my own in my entire life. well, it's not really a lesson, more like PE. but it's weird. i don't really feel the fear in me now. maybe i'm just concerned what they're discussing about setting up the flag football cca in np. it feels quite good to skip a lesson.

anyway, i have quite a valid reason. it's raining now, so they can't practise. and i don't want my laptop to get spoilt. the field across here the expressway to np is quite far away from a shelter in np.

wahahaha. have to go before anyone sees me blogging.

i was eating my dinner just now while watching the show on channel 8. starrun hosted by jack neo and mark lee. i was thinking jack neo is quite famous now, megan has even won in the 金马奖. then i realised he was working. and i realised , everybody is working. being popular is part of the job of a celebrities, it means they are getting more money in a way or another.

then i remembered what connie jie jie told me yesterday during my maternal grandma's celebration. she asked me how was poly life. and she told me since i have no work or whatsoever, i should even do well in my studies. don't stay at home to surf the net. do something constructive. eg. working. to gain experience.
right now, the scene of her telling me to study hard in the shop few years back reenact in my head.
i'm wondering. everyone is working, to earn a living. but why does everybody have to work. is that called experience? so people come to earth just to experience "life" , and "work" is part of an experience of everybody life.

i don't like to work. i hate to be scolding. especially by strangers or people who are not close to
me. it will linger in my head for awhile before it goes off. then i will be scared out of my wits (scaredy cat) to do anything again. it's an exception for my family, unless it's something i feel that its important.

there's autocad lesson tmr. it's another two more weeks before exams start. there's IT test next week on access.

my attittude has changed. i do not bother to understand what is being taught nowadays, except for the lecture to end as soon as possible.

why is it the opposite from the rest?

people heck when they're young, have dreams when they get older.

i have dreams when i'm young, heck when i'm getting older.

weird.

there's also bcn quiz tmr.

finally, there's soccer. BE society, thurs 5pm at christmas field. i don't know whether i should go, most probably i will. hope they will spot me from training and let me play for BE. at the same time, i can learn more about how soccer training is like for sec sch/poly.

there's still somemore things i want to say. but it just will slip off my mind when i start to blog. and the feeling is not there anymore. not genuine. i feel fake.

went to HL to see dr. hiak. it was a fungal infection.

hmm, was quite contented with my performance today.
it is getting more fun, though i know we will not reach those international stage. we're just too weak to get banged by adults, not to say professional nfl players.

i was in the bus on the way back home just now, less than 1/2 hr ago. i was standing near the door and happen to see a seat behind me[probably the seat of the person who just alighted] so i just sat down.
while looking around, i noticed this rgs girl, probably a sec1 student. she was so small sized and doesnt have a blemish on her face, and i think she barely reach 140. i saw her putting her things down.
and then...
i saw her bag. it was so bigger than her. i was complating whether to give up my seat to her. i did not gave up my seat to her. i was guitly stricken.

so many thoughts went thru my mind. i thought if what i gave up my seat to her. she will not suffer.
others may think that i sympathesize with her.
and she might not like it.
others might think i want to cheat a small girl.
others might want to think i act to be kind.

i would feel awkward standing up again, asking her whether she wants to sit down.
but at the same time, i thought she was from rgs, so she should be determined.
at one moment, i thought "serve her right, who ask her to go to rgs, she shld know it is a nerdy school". i was once jealous of them, but never felt like this before... the first time today.

i usually surf blogs of rgs girls and admire/envy them esp those in the sch team. but for now, it's a good thing that i never felt sad whenever i see students in jc uniform, but more of envy them. anyway, this is the first time i felt proud wearing the np pe attire though.

i didn't want her to not grow tall like me, though i'm not related to that rgs girl.
i have so many thoughts during that journey back home, trying to contradict myself, and not follow my heart. [there's still a few more , but i can't remember it now.]

in the end, i just stopped thinking and close my eyes. because i just felt uncomfortable facing that girl. and i almost fall asleep, but to open my eyes to see her right in front of me again 4 times.

after i got down, she hurried went to my seat. that's the part where i felt i should have let her have the seat long ago. i was wrong, trying to convince myself. selfishness.

ah. my head has that burning sensation again like how i felt last year. must be not enough sleep.
i'm lazy to skip , do sit ups and push up. but i have only just started to do this only for 3 days.

monday.
stayed back in sch to do proj. but nothing much was achieved.

tuesday.
went to watch charlie and the chocolate factory at northpoint with joy, puay tze, yvonne, andeline and her friend su. after that, we went to watch the ndp at the yishun parade. we got so near at the side of the stage and wanted to try our luck entering the backstage. but we were hesitating and got chased out.

managed to get the front row when watching the post-party performance. there was twins, tanya, nicholas tse. i wasn't really interested. it was hot and my legs were numbed/cramp [ ants biting feeling]. only want to accompany andeline and her friend. ok, more of see her friend. =X her friend likes nicholas tse and lin jun jie.

everytime i see joy, i always think what will happen if she's my close friend or even my gf. that time where the both of us share cab home. anyway, her skin is still as nice as ever even though she's in touch rugby.

weds.
managed to finish the powerpoint, the report is due next week. =)
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i was smiling for few minutes when i saw the comment. the replacement is a funny show, realised keanu reeves is quite handsome.

ah. i just can't contain my excitement and there's no one who sees me most of the time to share my joy. my online buddies are not around. anyway, we're drifted quite alot.

my rashes is just killing me. it's spreading and so itchy. why must it be at that area? sigh. going to see a doctor later. hope my cats proj can be made finished asap or maybe we shall just get the materials. being a leader is no fun.


btw, i don't think i'm that matured. my uncle says i act as if i know alot of things, but the fact is i don't. i've never really worked also, except to give brochures house to house unlike the other polymates who works part time.

time to slp, the car is under repair, no car for this week... boohoo.

thursday.
after flag football, shimin and i waited for the rain to subside. was late for cats class for an hour. think our lecturer was fuming inside, though he didn't give much expression. came back home after that.

friday.
went for the observance day. it was fun. and this is the first time i really sing along, enjoyed the performance [since sec sch] and felt like i was proud to be in singapore. i love old songs. the atmosphere in sec sch and poly is totally different. the pple enjoy themselves and went mad. but as usual, there are some pple who left halfway through the performance.

sat.
talked to jane on msn for a while in the late morning. went for jog in zhenghua park with sis and . it was not really a jog, i think i jogged for about 2.4km[consider that i've deproved] if i'm not wrong they didn't state the distance, but i keep jogging for 20mins. was supposed to train myself, but sis was unwell.

sun.
went to play soccer at hong lim park. went chee heng's house after that. took dinner over there. when i was eating halfway thru, i realised i never had a meal over there for few months. think back a little about our days when we're in p6. after our soccer training/match, we would always do our work together. play playstation and sleep together. that was peak of our lives.

i wonder how i can handle relationships so well in the past. everybody liked me even though i was a prefect. i was also quite popular in sch. everything went so smoothly, except for my psle results. but i was making a fuss out of it. i was contented yet i keep improving.

borrowed 6 music cds from chee heng. came back home with parents. nontheless, i've never forget edmund though he irriated me at times. he was with me all along, during p5. he helped me when i dislocated my knee. i will never forgot... "dinosaur".
but it seems like i was quite close with chee heng during p5 too.

i also will not forget zhi hao. how we were together in sec 1 and 2. do projects together; "wilbur the pig" -> charlotte's web... how we played soccer together. how we celebrated our birthdays together during sec 1 while doing projects: by eating gummy bear candies.


memories....

but i wonder why is it that all this good things happen to some pple all the time throughout their lives... it's not fair. i tried hard... but still to falter in the end.

m2m rocks. the first english cd album i bought when i was in primary 5 or 6. i love all their songs in the shades of purple album.
alex to's 99' 情人 is the first album i bought in p5 too. and i love all the songs in that album.

time to slp.. shld have not blog and slept. now not mood to slp though tired.

i blog like a small child... not like sarah, or rachel, or xiaxue. but anyhow, i'm not here to entertain pple.

gd nite, blog.

oh yes, i din know this till wong yok na told us after the lecture.

80 and above = A
70-79 = B
60-69 = C
50-59 = D
below 50 = F

and there's no E.

to get into the university, it is best to get B and above. Chee Keng told me C and above.

top 3 person will get AD in the course. i doubt i can be one of them.

i got a fcbb.

erm. i think i should let more people know about this blog. so i won't feel that i seek attention of only one person. some of them are just my thoughts and feeling, and some of the post are just out to seek attention. but i dunno why i will just do that out of the blue sometimes, like just can't control. i'm very sorry.. hmm, anyway, i don't think that i've been the childish stage once unless u're talking about being in lower primary or younger. i always do my work, pay attention in class, never skip a lesson before, i've never laugh at people, gossip about them, backstab them before too. but recently i just learn how to laugh at people though i dunno what's happening. cos everybody is doing that, if not i will feel extra... i din mean to be rude in this post also.

i think i'm always defending myself right? and it's very bad not to admit my mistake? i dunno, i think i was borned stuborn. maybe i'm on my way to lose another friend who wants to really help me get out of this trap....

sigh.

went for the innovation and entreprise talk yesterday evening. it was because it was compulsory and cca point would be awarded [but i think it's just some bullshit]. i would have somehow regretted it if i decided to leave during the break. i learnt something from them. the difficult part is how u are going to apply it to your life.

"thinking is important, doing is everything." - alvin lee.

ah. why don't n organise talks on sports and fitness; how to cope with yourself mentally and physically?
i would definitely go for that talk.

i've been wondering. how long would my passion last? it seems like i don't really care much about soccer despite knowing that i can't make it big. neither would i want to venture out to business. and i still don;t know what i want to do 5yrs down the road when i wake up everymorning. i want to learn many new sports. but afraid that people will do better than me.

i thought i can make it for flag football team. it seems not. eugene is doing so well. he runs fast and knows the way/method to get past opponents. i must really start to begin training so as to become what i used to be when i was in primary 6, or become even better. though i doubt it would take alot of work , and i need mr donald tan to become my coach again.

talking about flag football, it's is thursday again. sigh.

i'm not wallowing in self pity. just devastated and need some encouragement and companion who wants to jog with me.

oh yes, damn it. i decided not to play soccer with carlvin korkor last min. and when i come back home, i was so tired that i slept for 2/3hrs. i din go jogging with my sister. i felt bad making her wait and wasted her time.

i hope my dad will realise that we're not all against him. and i know that the past have really affect him adversely. hope he will pick himself up again though i dunno how he thinks or feels now. he's totally unpredictable. if he continues, something bad might happen one day [touchwood].

i don't know what's my main aim of bloogging..


everything is upside down. not really that bad. must i really change myself? to suit the environment? what about keeping fit? school team? gd results?

pretentious.



i miss sec school. damn myself being so anti in upper sec.

if i go to work. then i will miss poly life. but then that's not the best i want for myself. if changing myself to a gamer so that i can talk to them, then i will die in ns.



jane sounds so friendly now.... but i bet i'm just a minute character in her life. or maybe not, i shouldn't judge her by my feelings. it will not be fair to her.

anyway, i should thank her for being there, talking to me during sec 3.


ms lau wedding was alright.


i dunno how to blog. i wish i can just play soccer now with chee heng they all. and then go to slp in the morning. pon sch tmr. and every other day except weds and maybe thurs.

i almost did it today, just that my mother have got the stomache pill, if not i wil not go to sch...

i'm not complaining why this happens to me. and i have no right to say anyone.
self pity myself.

i dunno what the hell i'm writing now, except knowing that i have not bathe and is so freaking itchy now and not doing the report which is due by wed as what chin wei requested.


can i come back stronger than before? [ok, this sentence is copied from another blogger.]

it seems not.

pri 1-3 climbing, pri 4 - sec 2 peak, sec 3-4 falling, poly 1 fallen.


雪天使...


that is a very nice show.

and is there really snow angel?




i don't blog what i feel now. just being whiney.

freak you melvin, bloody 1st time idiotic newbie attention seeker... don't even know how to go about doing it.


i'm just typing wihtout feeling anything. really seek attention.